Christian Marriage, divorce, domestic violence, abuse, marital counseling, extramarital affairs
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My friend, Valerie Jacobsen posted this statement on her Facebook page and I asked permission to share it. I found it powerful, and yet, so contrary to the way marriage is handled in the church – especially when abuse is involved. I’m sick and tired of women being forced by their pastors/elders to bear the brunt of evil in their marriages by staying in their evil and harmful marriages.
I do not believe for a second that it is godly advice for pastors tell abused wives to remain married to their chronically evil and reviling spouses. If marriage is supposed to be representative of Christ and the church, an abusive marriage is a mockery to Christ. It seems that pastors would want to help rid the church of the blot of evil when there is an abuser clinging to his marriage and refusing to change his evil ways.
Women who leave their chronically cheating and/or abusive husbands are saying NO to evil. It is their husbands who abandoned the marriage long ago when they started their evil ways.
We need to stand beside these women and tell them they are free to go when pastors tell them otherwise. Pastors who give this bad advice are not living with this evil. And I’ll bet that they would not say this kind of thing if it were their daughter living with an abuser. Let’s stop this crazy business!
The Power of a Transformed Wife, Lori Alexander, Sex in Marriage, Submission
Screenshot from The Transformed Wife Facebook Page – 6/15/17
-by Kathi
This is a book review series of The Power of a Transformed Wife by Lori Alexander. If you are just joining us, you may click on previous chapter reviews to catch up.
Oh, goody…the sex chapter! Before I started reading this chapter I thought to myself: “Self, I wonder what wise words Lori will give women about sex? Let me guess…It will be about how husbands want sex all the time, and how wives are to give it to them anytime.”
Lori’s opening sentence:
Men like sex…a lot.
Oh, self, I am not disappointed in you. P.S. Lori, women like sex…a lot…too!
Again, Lori has changed her nagging target from Ken to her women readers:
Since God commanded older women to teach younger women to love their husbands (Titus 2:4), I’m reminding you that one of the most important ways a wife can express love to her husband is by satisfying him on the marital bed.
There you go, younger women. Lori is here to tell you that you need to give sex to your man anytime he wants it! Tell me, Lori, how well did that work for Josh Duggar or Doug Phillips? I’m sure that their wives were very submissive and worked to satisfy their husband’s sexual appetites, but they needed more. A wife can do all that she can to try and satisfy her husband’s sexual appetite, but sadly it may never be enough.
Lori then spends three pages quoting a reader’s comments to a man who states he has authority to tell his wife that she needs to have sex with him three times a week. Said reader made up her mind when she got married that she would never say “no” to her husband when he wanted sex. Her argument is that it is no different than saying “no” to a child who is hungry or wants cuddling. The problem with this logic is that, yes, there is a big difference between the needs of a grown man and a young child. A grown man should be able to hear “no” to sex and be understanding.
If your husband is having an affair or addicted to porn, wives are still required to give sex anytime and anywhere:
I have mentored women whose husbands were addicted to porn and had affairs. Naturally, these women had grown bitter and angry toward their husbands who had betrayed them, but this resentment is against God’s clear command to them. I must stick to the Word of God and teach them their responsibility is to love their husbands in spite of his behavior. If he has had an affair, asked for forgiveness, gone through counseling, and been checked for STDs, then I believe the aggrieved spouse should be willing to forgive her husband for any offense against her.
Part of me understands this. I have seen marriages in which one partner has an affair and they are able to work it out. I would say that is not the norm. If you have a spouse who has had multiple affairs or has viewed pornography for a long time, he most likely is not going to change. However, Lori also tells us that a wife forgiving her husband and offering herself sexually to him may help bring him to the Lord. Telling a wife that she needs to stay in a lie of a marriage is not helpful.
Lori rounds out this chapter with an old blog post about how most men want to go on vacation to have lots of sex. There’s too much discussion from readers about how to discreetly snatch a quickie – now I need to wash my eyes out. Lori ends with 1 Corinthians 7:5 which talks about not depriving one another of sex and highlights that this verse does not use vacation as an excuse to not have sex. Right…because the Corinthians must have had lots of sex while they were on vacation.
Allow me to sum up this chapter:
Lori states that God instructs her to tell younger women to have lots of sex with their husband.
Lori uses other people’s words to back up her statement.
Lori has nothing new to say.
Plowing onward to Chapter 8, “Win Him Without a Word.” I’m guessing wives are out of words because they’re too busy having sex.
The Power of a Transformed Wife, Lori Alexander, Marriage, Submission
-by Kathi
This is a book review series of The Power of a Transformed Wife by Lori Alexander. If you are just joining us, you may click on previous chapter reviews to catch up.
The Power of a Transformed Wife, Lori Alexander, Control, Submission
-by Kathi
This is a book review series of The Power of a Transformed Wife by Lori Alexander. If you are just joining us, you may click on previous chapter reviews to catch up.
The Power of a Transformed Wife, Lori Alexander, Control, Submission
-by Kathi
This is a book review series of The Power of a Transformed Wife by Lori Alexander. If you are just joining us, you may click on previous chapter reviews to catch up.
“Trey’s” review of The Power of a Transformed Wife on Amazon
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Chapter 4 – Allow Him to Lead
I have been warned about the poor editing job of this book. It is starting to show in this chapter. Lori jumps around from topic to topic which starts to make this book seem more like a mismatch of ideas. The reality is, there are no new ideas from Lori in this book. You can read either of her blogs, or Debi Pearl’s book, and find the same ideas. That being said, I’ll try to keep to the main points and not drag you through the rabbit trail. Continue reading →
Lori Alexander, Emotional Abuse, Headship, Submission
-by Kathi
I’ve been reading Lori Alexander’s blogs for quite a while now. Just when I think her writing is the same old boring rhetoric she always blathers on about, she ups her game. Her recent post, “How Not to Get Married” is one that actually should be titled, “Five Easy Steps to Ensure You Stay In an Abusive Relationship.” Continue reading →
The Power of a Transformed Wife, Lori Alexander, Control, Submission
This is a book review series of The Power of a Transformed Wife by Lori Alexander. If you are just joining us, you may click on previous chapter reviews to catch up.
The eldest son of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of TLC’s popular TV show, 19 Kids and Counting is in the news again. Josh and his wife Anna Duggar made an announcement on their family’s website. This announcement comes two years after accusations of:
alleged sexual abuse against his sisters and another young minor as a teen
The Watch Dog may not be a sheep dog, but he’s fluffy like a sheep.
-by Kathi
This series is a review of God’s Design, a children’s book which teaches children about complementarity. For an introduction of the book, click here. All of the underlined subtitles below are chapters from the book.
This is a very sad day, children. This is our last day to talk about God’s Design. I know, I know….we’ll get through this together. Today, we will talk about work and summarizing everything we’ve learned. Continue reading →
Complementarianism, Women in the Church, Gender Roles, Proper Church and Family Roles
-by Kathi
This series is a review of God’s Design, a children’s book which teaches children about complementarity. For an introduction of the book, click here. All of the underlined subtitles below are chapters from the book.
Today, children, we will talk about God’s design for the church and how to learn God’s ways (as if this hasn’t already been said enough). Continue reading →
Complementarian, Gender Roles, Being Married, Being Single, Desiring God’s Influence
-by Kathi
This series is a review of God’s Design, a children’s book which teaches children about complementarity. For an introduction of the book, click here. All of the underlined subtitles below are chapters from the book.
Today, children, we will talk about marriage and singleness, husbands and fathers, and wives and mothers. Continue reading →
This series is a review of God’s Design, a children’s book which teaches children about complementarity. For an introduction of the book, click here. All of the underlined subtitles below are chapters from the book.
Today, children, we will talk about purity and honoring. It had to be covered at some point, why not now? Continue reading →
Ruth, Mary, Sarah and Proverbs 31: Examples of Complementarian Women
-by Kathi
This series is a review of God’s Design, a children’s book which teaches children about complementarity. For an introduction of the book, click here. All of the underlined subtitles below are chapters from the book.
Today, young girls have the chance to learn what makes a godly woman. I know you all were thinking hard about who the examples might possibly be. Now’s the time to find out! Continue reading →
God’s Design, Homosexuality, Complementarianism, John Piper & Wayne Grudem’s Influence
-by Kathi
This series is a review of God’s Design, a children’s book which teaches children about complementarity. For an introduction of the book, click here. All of the titles below are chapters in the book.
This week children, we will talk about homosexuality. This topic may potentially become heated. I ask that discussion please be civil and hope that we can acknowledge that as fellow Christians (better yet, as fellow human beings), we recognize that we may come to different conclusions. I ask that in our discussion we always maintain that it is the person that God created that is most valued and not our ideas or theology. Continue reading →
God’s Design, Headship, Complementarianism, Biblical Gender Roles, The Fall
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Who started this whole mess?
-by Kathi
This series is a review of God’s Design, a children’s book which teaches children about complementarity. For an introduction of the book, click here. All of the titles below are chapters in the book.
Today, children, we are going to learn about how man and woman rebelled against God’s design. Spoiler alert!…We’ll talk about one more than the other. Continue reading →
This series is a review of God’s Design, a children’s book which teaches children about complementarity. For an introduction of the book, click here. All of the titles below (except for The Answer We Already Knew) are chapters in the book.
Today, children, we learn about God’s perfect design for man and woman. Oh, and remember how men and women are equal, but different? We’re totally equal. (sigh) Continue reading →
God and Adam having a serious talk about who’s in charge.
-by Kathi
This series is a review of God’s Design, a children’s book which teaches children about complementarity. For an introduction of the book, click here. All of the titles below are chapters in the book.
Today we are gathering children around to discuss the first three chapters of God’s Design. Herewe will learn that we have a creator and we are his creatures. Continue reading →
Complementarian, Egalitarian, Teaching Children, Children Desiring God, John Piper
Series Introduction
Vaccinating Children with Complementarianism
by Kathi
The SSB Watch Dog gives “4 Paws Down” for this book.
I spent many years reading books to my children. Homeschooling families know all too well the importance of reading. However, I can say that I never read a book like this to my kids.
God’s Designis a children’s books which teaches about the importance of gender roles.
Ligon Duncan stresses that if pastors do not regularly teach complementarity, then “we lose on this issue.”
Feel free to play along while you watch the video. You are guaranteed a black out!
In April, Ligon Duncan addressed pastors at the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (CBMW) pre-conference of the 2016 T4G conference regarding how to address complementarianism.
Duncan offered eight guidelines for pastors when teaching complementarianism. Three celebrate complementarianism, and five realizations as you practice this “Biblical” view.
You have to teach and preach complementarianism.
Duncan stresses that if pastors do not regularly address complementarianism, then congregations will be won over to the teachings of culture and “we will lose on this issue.” Duncan also stresses that pastors need to make sure that leaders in the church are equipped in this teaching as well.
This leads me to wonder: how often is he talking about addressing this issue from the pulpit? Every other Sunday? Every Sunday? Should it be taught in Sunday school classes and small groups? How about in children’s and youth ministries? If he is calling for equipping leaders, then it sounds like he wants the church to be infiltrated to follow complementarianism on all fronts.
The church needs to become a culture that honors women and loves people who struggle with same sex attraction.
Duncan states that when pastors teach on complementarity they will be labeled as misogynistic and homophobic. Yes, very true. So how is a pastor to combat that view? By publicly honoring women and loving people with same sex attraction.
It is this part of the talk where I get the feeling that Duncan is stressing that complementarianism requires an image make-over. Is he sincere about honoring and loving? I really hope so. However, he goes on to say that he hopes that women’s and gay’s testimony to complementarianism is that “we’re not treated like that.” So really, it seems more of concern about how complementarianism is portrayed than anything else.
As you celebrate “beautiful complementarianism” make sure men know that headship is a service and not a “tool for self-interest.”
Doesn’t this make you wonder why Duncan must tell pastors to address that women should be honored and men cannot use complementarianism as a tool of abuse? In relationships where each partner is treated as an equal, men do not need to be reminded that they are given a “unique responsibility.”
And, for good measure, I’ll throw this quote out to stand on its own:
When women realize that the Bible’s teaching on men being godly spiritual leaders in the home is something that is in their best interest, they are the people in local congregations that are loudly most for it.
Sigh. I haven’t realized what is in my “best interest.”
Moving on to the realizations…
Don’t assume the next generation agrees with complementarianism.
Gasp! And if they don’t?! What is a pastor to do?
Don’t panic!
A pastor must show the next generation the beauty of complementarianism by living it out in marriages and preaching it from the pulpit.
Polity is theology.
This is what it all comes down to. It’s not the death, burial and resurrection of Christ that dictates theology, but church policy and governance on complementarianism. A secondary issue becomes a primary theological issue.
Don’t overreact.
The goal here is to stay calm and carry on. Don’t restrict women’s ministries in the church and make sure that people understand that preaching/teaching of the church is to be done by “qualified men.” Apparently this is not a male/female issue, but an issue of making sure that a qualified man does the job.
Be firm in your conviction and winsome in your persuasion.
Make sure ardent feminists and gays are offended by your teaching yet are overwhelmed by the respect and love you show them.
None of this information is new. Duncan has been teaching about complementarianism for years. But I get the feeling that there has been a bit more push back toward CBMW in regard to their teaching. More women are telling their stories about suffering through abusive marriages that resulted from following strict gender role teaching. Aimee Byrd recently wrote a fantastic post about how CBMW has left complementarian women feeling betrayed by their silence.
CBMW needs to learn that showing respect and love to people, no matter their gender or sexual orientation, is what should be preached from the pulpit because it is how God commands us to live. That should be the primary issue on a pastor’s heart. Any public display of honoring a woman or loving a gay person will only be seen as a facade if all you are doing is attempting to show that complementarianism is “not like that.”
