Need to talk now? Safe Sharing Spot

blog pic from ken

Feel free to post urgent needs or if you just need to get something off your chest and want to share your story and could use some support.  Please feel free to use pseudonyms.

This place is open for all to share or encourage and support.

 

Moderator note: This place will remain safe. I will freely remove any comments that might make this place uncomfortable for survivors.

 

23 thoughts on “Need to talk now? Safe Sharing Spot”

  1. I’m kind of obsessed with The Keepers at the moment, and reading many articles on it and this article brought some things up for me that I’ve always wondered about related to being a child of a mother who was abused. My experience is different from the one expressed, but that’s not something I think I’ve seen many articles or studies about. How that affects a relationship between particularly mother and daughter.

    http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/opinion/oped/bs-ed-keepers-children-20170527-story.html

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  2. Lea, I just started watching the series and finished the 3rd episode last night. It is heart-wrenching to watch. – unbelievable abuse that is difficult to even imagine.

    I think the key to the relationship with abused parent and child is, where is the parent now? Have they dealt with the issues resulting from the abuse? Have they been to therapy?

    In the movie, it seems that Jean was able to compartmentalize the abuse as she raised her children, and then once confronted with it, was pretty much forced to deal with it.

    I’ve read before that if you are abused, your life can get stuck emotionally. Many people today are functioning adults, but when it comes to vulnerability, intimacy (both sexually and relationally), there are holes – they are broken, until they are able to put the pieces together again. This would obviously have an affect on children and they will have difficulty sharing with others on that kind of level if they are not seeing it modeled from their parent.

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  3. Lea, I just started watching the series and finished the 3rd episode last night. It is heart-wrenching to watch. – unbelievable abuse that is difficult to even imagine.

    So many parallels with spotlight and things discussed here! Awful, but in a now sadly familiar way. I have some thoughts about later in the series but I won’t comment now.

    they are broken, until they are able to put the pieces together again

    But even with a lot of healing, maybe the pieces never fit exactly. There are just a lot of things I wonder about now that I didn’t really as a kid.

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  4. I’ve just finished episode 4 of The Keepers. What struck me at the end was just how long it’s taken for this story to finally be told. Decades. I think there are multiple reasons for this beyond the intimidation of the Church’s authority and power. But one of the women said something about people finally beginning to process this in their 40s and 50s now that they’re parents and even grandparents. It struck a chord with me, since I only really began to delve into my own dysfunctional family dynamics (not sexual abuse, but physical and emotional) since my 40s. The Statute of Limitations for sexual abuse really needs to be revisited in many states. I mean, just as the SGM lawsuit was dismissed on a technicality, so was Jane Roe’s and Jane Doe’s lawsuit. The parallel was glaring.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. BTDT, yes, the statute of limitations is definitely problematic. I knew about my own child abuse all along, but I didn’t see the full impact of it until my daughter was about the same age I was (this was about 30 years ago). So, I can see how awareness about one’s abuse can take a while for a survivor.

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  6. Julie Anne, I hate to pry but did your kids know as a kid about the abuse?

    My mom talked about hers when I was a kid, so I knew, but we have never discussed it as an adult, so I think I’m sort of hazy on what actually happened.

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  7. Thanks.

    BTDT, I agree about the SoLs but knowing this, I wonder why they didn’t search for other victims who might still be within the legal time frame when Maskell was still living. It seems like they only focused on their school.

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  8. Hello. My name is L W Brook. It is not my real name. In Bloomington, IN, there is a very abusive church called Clearnote Church. It is Neo-Calvinist. The senior pastor, Tim Bayly, is the founder. He is very infamous here in the religious community. I attended Clearnote for 10 months from 2014 to 2015. After the typical new membership class, I was forced to do an interview and fill out a paper application. During the interview, I was forced to confess secret sins. A week after my interview, I learned that my membership application was rejected because they claimed I recanted my secret sin.

    Basically, they wanted me to get rid of books and dvds of a specific subject in order to join. They wanted to get rid of them the night of my interview. I told my friend/handler that I need to wait and process what they wanted me to do. My handler took it upon herself to pass my “refusal” along to the elder who did my interview without my knowledge or consent which resulted in the rejection. I was enraged to learn that confidential information was passed along without my permission.

    The church uses gossip to keep tabs on the members. I left Clearnote broken and traumatized. My so called friends at the church abandoned me when I left. They cut off contact with me. As a result, I am very skittish around churches and Christianity. I was raised as a Christian. I am currently trying to find a church that I feel safe at. It is very difficult. I want to warn people about Clearnote Church and stop the spiritual abuse there, but I don’t know how to go about it. From what I hear, there are other Clearnote victims.

    Please pray for me and the other Clearnote victims. We didn’t deserve what was done to us by the corrupt church leadership. Thanks for listening.

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  9. Hi L.W.,

    I am familiar with the Bayly brothers and have done posts on them before. I’m glad that you have left that toxic environment. The control tactics you describe do not surprise me at all. It fits the pattern I’ve seen in them in other areas as well. If you know of others who would be willing to share their story about their experience at Clearnote, I’d love to hear from them. The more people who come forward, the more stories sound credible to the naysayers. Don’t worry – I believe you!!! I’m sorry you had to experience that, and hope you find a new healthy church.

    Thank you for sharing here! Please feel free to share more as you feel comfortable. Many will be able to relate with you.

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  10. Julie Anne, can we reconnect? I’m considering blogging again. But, I’m in a horrible place with Christian community and I am wondering if you would one pray, two, give any and all advice that you have?

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  11. I grew up as a conservative homeschooled, Gothard influenced, reformed Christian who kissed dating goodbye and married at 18 to an older guy I thought was a solid Godly man. Those 26 years of marriage are now known as one big deceitful lie and filled with the most heart breaking trauma, some of which I knew and have been trying to process for years and others I’ve been blindsided and destroyed by. It’s been a surreal journey to work though so many years and memories that are remembered as one thing and yet known now as another. I feel trapped in a splintered mirror only able to look out into the real world and no matter how hard I rage and pound against it, this fractured reality keeps insisting that IT’S the ‘real world’ and has been all along. And through it all is the crushing guilt and self loathing for loving someone who turned out to be a monster, for not protecting my child better, for trusting and believing the best of people, especially the church, and for letting this shatter my faith in God. This faith is slowly finding it’s feet again, but on new ground, as I watch it grow back and study it from all angles trying to understand and make sense of it. One of the areas of faith that has been weighing on me recently that I’m feeling unsettled about is that while I have a true gratefulness and belief in God’s forgiveness for me and place my hope and trust in that truth, there is also a separate part of myself that cannot forgive myself for my failures nor do I have the slightest idea on how I’d begin that process. I see these two truths coexist inside me and they don’t exactly feel at conflict with each other- just exist parallel to each other, if that makes sense. My former reformed theology tells me that it’s my pride that cannot fully embrace God’s forgiveness for me and that I need to confess this in order to move on, find true freedom and peace. Problem is, I don’t feel prideful, just broken and the whole thing is really depressing as I still believe that trust in the saving grace of Jesus is necessary for salvation and to reject this or disbelieve it is an act not in keeping with the salvation He offers. I want Jesus. I want to belong to Him and be safe in Him and this nagging doubt terrifies me. Anyway, I’d appreciate prayer about this and that I’d be able to find my way clearly.

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  12. Recently my mom apologized to me for “indoctrinating” me. I thought that was really strong and kind of her to admit, and I thought I was lucky to have heard her say that. As I go through therapy and healing, as I grow up, I am forced to grapple with the truth–that my mom lied to me a lot. When I was 23 or 24, my cousin told me that she was at my house when I was 2 or 3, and my cousin was about 8. She said I was throwing a fit like a normal toddler and that my ultra religious grandmother from the other side of my family showed up to help my mom out with me. Sometime after that, and I had not stopped crying, my cousin told me that my mom and grandma stripped me down and threw me into the shower while they performed what my cousin called a type of “exorcism”. She got really scared and called her dad to pick her up immediately. This actually did not surprise me. I knew something had happened to me at age 2 or 3, I had that feeling when I took Child Psychology in college and at the time my cousin told me, I was raising my own daughter, who was about 3. It all made a lot of sense. Now, at 27, I have only brought this up a few times sense then, and almost never in therapy. I am too afraid to confront my mom about it directly, and I know she will deny it. My grandma probably doesn’t remember at this point, but as I get older I think about it more and more, and the longer my mom guilt trips me for unrelated things or expects too much out of me, I can’t help but see her for who she is and what she did. It’s not that hurting your children makes you a bad person. Parents screw up their kids every day. Parents are only human. Yet there’s a fine line. It was the secret, that turned out to be me, that was buried under a rug until I was too big to fit. “You can’t bury live people,” I wish I could say to my mom. But she would probably call me schizo if I did. My heart is so broken to know that I have spent years and years trying to piece together a mystery when the answer was right in front of me the whole time. My mother was holding the key to my freedom, and she watched me squirm and suffer for 25 years, benefiting and profiting, and only when she got burned did she speak up–to scold me, to blame me, to crap on what I had left. Now I will walk away from her and she won’t say a thing or shed a tear. She has been waiting for this moment, and wonders out loud why I have stuck around for so long. Despite what we have been through, I still have true faith. That will never die. I still love my mom, but now I know that what we had is not a relationship, and I won’t be so disillusioned to refer to it as such in the future.

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  13. That sounds like such a painful experience. It sounds like your mom has had regrets. Maybe if you feel comfortable, you can discuss this with her and how it affected you. Since she already apologized to you, do you think her heart may be open to you sharing? I hope so.

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  14. Please help. My daughter was sexually assaulted by her youth pastor intern 2 years ago. 3 leaders warned the lead pastor of “concerns” but he did nothing and the intern left. Then she came forward and told police. The lead pastor claims he never knew it was that bad. The intern plead guilty of all charges. Crickets. Nada. Silence from our church. Only a message stating they don’t have money to pay for her therapy anymore. Am I wrong to think the church should take some responsibility in all this? I’m urged by my friend and therapist to let the church issue go. How can I? What can I do?

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  15. Roxyanne, thanks for your comment. I’m very sorry to hear about your daughter’s abuse. Awful! Just to be clear – did they pay for some therapy already? I do think they have an obligation to pay for therapy. I don’t understand why your friend and therapist are telling you to let it go.

    Where is the intern now?

    My first thought is you could file a civil lawsuit to have them pay for the therapy. (Let me know if you would like to go this route, and I can ask around for attorneys in your area.) Actually, it would be a lot easier for them to pay for therapy than attorney fees AND therapy. Maybe you can suggest that if they are not willing to pay for it on their own, you will be forced to take them to court.

    Sex abuse cases are usually in the top one or two highest claims for church insurance companies, so I think the insurance company would also rather pay for therapy than have to deal with a lawsuit!

    I’ve let Brenda and Anon3 know about your comment and hopefully one of them will also comment.

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  16. It means so much to be heard thank you! Yes they were paying for her therapy after she made police report but they stopped after they hired an attorney to investigate, we were never contacted by them so strange. The perpetrator moved out of state. He comes from a very wealthy high profile family they sold all their properties once he was arrested. We do not have attorneys thank you for referring.

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  17. I am the survivor of domestic abuse and praise God for His hand over my life. I come from India and became a Christian according to the Lord’s will and design for my life in 1986. I was already being abused from the day of my wedding. Now that I was going to a local church I felt that the pastor could intervene and help me. I was at the Church for about 8 years before I mustered the courage to ask for help. Living already in a culture where women are treated like chattels I thought that the Church would be different. It wasn’t so. I was told by the pastor that I must submit to the point of death.
    That being said, I never went back to that Church but it did give my abuser then my husband more control and validation to continue to harm me and my children with more zeal.
    I now live in the United States. I am so glad for Pastor Jeff Crippen. I found this site by, “accident”, and now it seems like I was right all this while where I felt that this is an issue that has to be dealt with as Pastor Jeff and others who agree with him, are doing.
    My emotions are stirred within me when I think how many of the victims and their children could be saved if these issues were dealt with in the right way by the Church at large.
    We are always made to feel lesser than and of course completely deserving of the unjust treatment meted out to us.
    Sarah

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