Spiritual Headship was Spiritual Abuse in My Family

Well, hello friends! It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Just a quick recap: it’s been nearly 4 years since my divorce. Those of you who followed this blog for years probably remember when I was in school getting my degree in cybersecurity. I have now been working in the field for four years. I don’t have the bandwidth to blog much anymore, but sometimes I feel the itch. Like tonight. . .

It started last night when my sons came over for dinner and we started talking about spirituality and a particular prophecy.

But since the topic of this post is about spiritual headship and this is a personal story, it’s important that I share some spiritual background of our family and how spiritual headship played itself out in our 35-year marriage.

When we first got married, my husband were on the same page spiritually. We met at a Foursquare church. Focus on the Family was one of my primary influencers back then. Let’s see what they have to say about “spiritual head.”

What does it mean to be the “spiritual head” of a family? Is this primarily a man’s responsibility?

While the Bible clearly affirms the equality of men and women (see Galatians 3:28), it also tells us plainly that God has assigned the responsibility of spiritual leadership in the home to husbands: “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:18-19).

Naturally, there is a great deal of controversy in the church today surrounding the precise meaning of these words. Some husbands wonder, “What am I supposed to do – act like a preacher?” Some wives ask, “Why is he supposed to be the only spiritual leader? Why can’t we both do it?” In the end, it all comes down to a very simple and fundamental truth: families need leaders. The buck has to stop somewhere if the household is to function smoothly and efficiently.

It’s important to remember here that a difference in roles doesn’t mean “unequal.” God doesn’t consider wives inferior, inadequate, less important, or less responsible than husbands. Besides, only an unwise man would reject his wife’s opinions and assistance. After all, the Lord has created her to be his best earthly resource.

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-qa/spiritual-leadership-in-the-home/

While I remember this teaching, I don’t ever remember talking about the spiritual headship concept as a couple. After all, we met at a Foursquare church where women were pastors, so women were very much respected for what they brought to the table spiritually.

We continued going to charismatic churches from 1985 until we were uncomfortable with some charismatic churches at our new locale in 1994. We finally settled at a non-charismatic community chapel. It was a lovely community church and I am still friends with over a couple of dozen folks from that church after all these years. However, this church also began a turning point for us. From this point on, we only attended churches with male pastors.

Fast forward two decades, my husband changed his doctrinal beliefs over the years (many long stories there to unpack, but not now). But towards the end of our marriage, something else changed. For the first time ever, if I questioned or challenged him about a doctrinal belief that had changed, he started to pull rank saying he was the spiritual head of the home. That had never occurred before.

Now my own spiritual discernment had no value to him. That was a stark contrast to early in our marriage when my contribution to spiritual matters were welcomed, encouraged, and even respected. I remember a time when I challenged his parents’ beliefs on a specific topic. He listened carefully to me, began studying, and then came to the same conclusion as me.

In early 2017, I began to overhear him mention a specific date to the kids: September 23, 2017, not just once, but a number of times.

One by one, my kids spontaneously talked to me about this date and about some end-time prophesy. I had been through this kind of stuff early in our marriage with his relatives, and I was surprised that he was going down that path. But, I brushed it off. I didn’t have time for it. I was in school full-time and writing a lot of blog posts. I had to focus, and this new prophecy talk was a distraction to me, interfering with my homework.

We went on one of our last family vacations to Loon Lake, Washington, and this prophecy conversation came up again. Our cabin was small, so I couldn’t escape from the conversation. When I shared my concerns about this prophecy and how it was inappropriate to use fear-mongering to our kids, that some of our kids were having nightmares, my words were rejected. I was in the wrong for even suggesting such a thing.

September 23, 2017 came and went. Do you recall anything significant thing that happened that day? You don’t, because nothing happened. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. H.A.P.P.E.N.E.D. It was all a ridiculous farce.

So, now we’re in 2024, and my boys were sitting in my living room last night when I mentioned about a prophecy that was to have occurred several years ago in September. One of my sons not only recalled the prophecy, but also blurted out the precise date of the failed fiasco. He also recalled details of the prophecy which I found here:

On this date, the sun will be in the constellation Virgo (the virgin), along with the moon near Virgo’s feet. Additionally, Jupiter will be in Virgo, while the planets Venus, Mars, and Mercury will be above and to the right of Virgo in the constellation Leo. Some people claim that this is a very rare event (allegedly only once in 7,000 years) and that it supposedly is a fulfillment of a sign in Revelation 12.Revelation 12:1–2 (ESV) reads:

And a great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars. She was pregnant and was crying out in birth pains and the agony of giving birth.

So we have here a woman (Virgo) in the sky (heaven), along with the sun, and the moon at her feet. What about the 12 stars?…there are nine stars in Leo, but with the addition of the three planets (which appear as bright stars), there are 12 stars. Since Leo is to the upper right of Virgo’s head, one might see this as a crown of 12 stars, though these 12 stars will be far above Virgo’s head. (Emphasis Mine.)

https://www.faithwriters.com/article-details.php?id=190679

My adult sons shook their heads as they recalled that non-event which was to be the big event to usher in the official end times. The fact that my sons could tell me in great detail what it was about and what was to occur some 6-1/2 years later only underscored how much they were told about it. They recalled how their father, the self-proclaimed spiritual head, was so animated as he ingrained into them the end was coming.

Another son previously described how scared he was, that he had to “get right with God” spiritually. Nightmares!!! My kids had nightmares because of a made-up event Christian leaders used to spiritually manipulate people!

My ex spent hours upon hours studying spiritual topics. I have no doubt that he spent tens of hours studying this topic so that he could articulate it with the knowledge of an instructor as he shared with our kids (or co-workers, or anyone else who would listen). He took his spiritual headship role seriously. But his spiritual content was nonsense!

All of that nonsense has backfired. First he dragged his family to a harmful cult in 2006-2008, then he led his family into unnecessary emotional and spiritual trauma with this whackadoo prophecy in 2017.

Do you see why I got roused up 6-1/2 years later, in 2024? As I sat in the living room, I watched my intelligent sons shaking their heads about that failed prophecy. I thought about the emotional and spiritual drama they had to face.

I also realized that this spiritual headship ideology allows fathers to have unchecked spiritual authority in which they are the only ones who get to determine what doctrine or prophecy is right and true for their families. Their wives and kids do not get to discern for themselves. (Shhhhh, this kinda sounds like a cult, right?)

Spiritual headship places fathers in the role of mediator just like the Holy Spirit. This is idolatry.

This brand of Christianity left a bitter taste for our family. Spiritual headship did not allow for questioning, for challenging, for critical thinking. If we did not align with his spiritual beliefs, we were disobedient.

Now, thankfully, my adult children are using their independent and critical thinking skills. They are seeing things clearly. I am so glad.