Book Review Series – Lori Alexander’s “The Power of a Transformed Wife” – Birth Control and a “Funny Story”

The Power of a Transformed Wife, Lori Alexander, Birth Control, Submission

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-by Kathi

This is a book review series of The Power of a Transformed Wife by Lori Alexander. If you are just joining us, you may click on previous chapter reviews if you’d like to catch up.

Introduction & Chapter 1   Chapter 2   Chapter 3   Chapter 4   Chapter 5   Chapter 6  Chapter 7   Chapter 8 – Part 1   Chapter 8 – Part 2    Chapter 9


Chapter 10 – Birth Control and Having Children

This short chapter is essentially this blog post disguised as a book chapter. I would like to ask that we not debate whether or not women and families should use birth control. That is a decision that should be made individually and between couples. With that, are you ready?

Lori starts off the chapter with:

The possibility of conceiving and bearing children can happen early and often in a loving marital relationship because men are almost always ready for sex.

It’s a good thing men are always ready to get things going because:

Women usually love sex when they are ovulating and their body is preparing to become pregnant.

Again, men are nothing but walking sex machines where women seem to enjoy it once a month. You poor women with high sex drives are not doing it right! Let’s not get into how sex may change as you age. We’re talking about making babies here!

Lori moves on to talk about different birth control options and chooses to only look at the negative side effects (which are not accurate, in my opinion). There are some positive benefits to using birth control, but since Lori is all about making sure you have all of the children God wants you to, obviously there is nothing positive about birth control.

Even though Lori has strong thoughts about birth control, she tells readers that it is up to each couple to decide what to do about birth control and to stay out of couple’s decisions about how many children to have. If it’s nobody’s business about a couple’s choice of birth control and number of children they want, then why is this chapter in the book?

I am assuming that this chapter is in the book because she admonishes women that the husband has the final decision about birth control, stating,

“A woman who goes against her husband in this decision will suffer the consequences.”

What in the world does “suffer the consequences” mean?! How does Lori have any authority to make a statement such as this? My concern with this thought is that there are husbands who are adamantly opposed to birth control even if pregnancy, labor, and delivery is harmful to the wife.

Don’t worry women if your husband wants you to use birth control even if you don’t want to. You are off the hook because:

Husbands will be the ones to stand before the Lord to account for the decisions they made in their homes. We will only have to give account for the way we lived our lives and our submission, or lack of it, to our husbands authority.

Exactly where is this in the Bible?

I don’t know about you, but I happen to notice one very obvious issue left out of this chapter: the fact that there are many women who are unable to conceive children. Did this even cross her mind when she wrote this chapter? I can’t even begin to think of one empathetic or compassionate response that Lori can offer women who are unable to have children so it’s probably best that she not mention it.

Lori ends this chapter with a blog post that is a “funny story.” Lori was working when she had her first baby and Ken told her she could stay home when they had their second. Lori decided she was ready to stay home so she poked a hole in her diaphragm. She was so happy when she got pregnant and was able to stay home again. Lori tells readers not to do this, however, she is able to get away with turning being deceptive into a “funny story” because she was not a submissive wife at the time.

In the end Lori did get what she wanted. Isn’t that what it’s really all about?

Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

170 comments on “Book Review Series – Lori Alexander’s “The Power of a Transformed Wife” – Birth Control and a “Funny Story”

  1. Rachel, You are very smart and lots of people would want you. You have a sharp wit. The problem is not your looks or how sexy you are; it is your depression. I don’t know how many rooms are in your apartment but if there are two bedrooms, you could get a roommate. If there is only one bedroom that option is not feasible. In that case, if you absolutely cannot pay your rent, you can put your stuff in storage (not esp expensive) and then become a roommate for someone advertising for one. Once you get yourself stabilized, you can orchestrate your own roommate situation i.e. you and another person, of your choosing, find a two-bedroom apartment. Two living together can share expenses and money goes further in terms of rent.

    There is no reason why someone would not want you. You are very likeable. You just need to convince yourself of that fact and conquer this awful depression which has been plaguing you. If you must choose a church, choose a nice one where the people are nice – that would largely rule out most evangelical churches. Could you not be happy in say a Unitarian or Universal church were the people are much nicer? If I were you with your current problems, I would not touch a fundamentalist church with a 10 foot pole. That would be like throwing gasoline onto the fire. You don’t need any more aggravation and stress in your life right now. Even a Catholic church would be better for you than a fundamentalist one. I grew up in a Catholic church and they are really not bad at all. There is none of the stuff ongoing which people have described here. It is much more laid-back and far less judgemental.

    If someone put a gun to my head and forced me to join a church, it would Unitarian for sure. You are a good person, Rachel. You simply have been burden with an awful disease called depression.

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  2. Thank you. I think depression stems from emotional pain rather than evil genes–though genes probably do make me emotionally hypersensitive. Church abuse never helped this (oddly enough.) Imagine having a Sunday school teacher assure you that you were headed for Hell at age 4. 🙂

    Oddly, believing I’m biologically diseased makes Christians hate me more than if they merely viewed me as sinful. Like I’m some spawn of an incubus rather than truly human. My argument is that believing “mental illness is a biological disease” does not make churches or anyone else kinder. It increases discrimination and makes most people view you as an evolutionary throwback–even if your church rejects evolution.

    Most people would rather have a registered felon for a next door neighbor than a “mentally ill monster.” The rational is that a convict can change. Since mental illness is hardwired into your genes you must always remain a menace to society. Biological pre-determinism. It made me wonder why they wasted therapy on us. Though all the therapists did was point out the hopelessness of our condition.

    At one time I went through an existential angst and questioned whether I had a soul like normal people. Oddly no one has ever thought to ask this question but me, to my knowledge.

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  3. Rachel,
    You are making my point exactly as to why you do not need to join a fundamentalist church. The first comment, says it all – having a Sunday school teacher who tells a 4 year old that they are going to hell. This is classic fundamentalism. Other sects of Christianity do not do this sort of thing with as much frequency. They are known for it. You can get this sort of a Church official – of one sort or another – in any sect but if you play the odds, you are most likely to find them in fundamentalist and evangelical sects. They are famous for them. Remember I told you that I run my life by playing the odds. If you can’t find a Protestant sect to your liking, I can assure you that you will not find this sort of nonsense in most Catholic churches. They have their own faults, for sure, but it is a much more friendly and laid-back environment.

    Also, I am not sure why it is anyone’s business as to your mental health status. You should not even be telling them about it. It is between you and your healthcare provider. When you select a church, if that is what you feel you need, chose a more open minded one. If I were picking churches, I would go Unitarian/Universalist, Presbyterian and Catholic – in that order. They will afford you the highest likelihood of finding persons who will not be judgemental of you. These kinds of churches have the least “baggage” which is not to say you could not find one which is bad. It is just that the odds of doing so are less than if you pick a fundamentalist one. The very last thing you need is a Baptist minister with a coterie of elders at his side. That dynamic is absolutely lethal. Worse, these sorts of leaders attract congregants who are of like mind.

    If someone were to pay you money specifically to go out and find hypocrites with a holier-than-thou attitude and then pay you money for each one you could bring in, your absolutely best bet for finding them would be to go to one such church – fundamentalist/evangelical minister with elders. You could find such people anywhere but the highest likelihood of success, in that regard, would be these types of churches. They are breeding grounds for such persons and you need people like this in your life like you need a hole in the head. Again, Rachel, you are a good and smart person but you have had the misfortune to be raised in the worst kind of church for your particular persona. Add to that biological depression and now you have a lethal stew guaranteed to bring about misery. My own feelings is that you need to do affirmations and meditations every single day which focus on the concept that you ARE a good person.

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  4. In spite of my bipolar diagnosis I would rather have been tortured to death than tell a preschooler that God hated them and would send them to Hell. Jesus had a special place in His heart for little ones. Btw, most of the kids I taught liked the class I taught. Too bad about their parents!

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  5. Rachel, This is exactly what I mean by “breeding ground” for the undesirable. You can find these sorts in any church but when it comes down to playing the odds, you highest likelihood of coming across them are in evangelical, fundamentalist churches. Sadly, as luck would have it, this is the very type of church in which you were brought up so you don’t know anything different. I went to catechism classes when I was growing up and we got absolutely none of that stuff.

    It is kind of like the kids who had the misfortune to be born into and grow up in really rough neighborhoods like the worst of Detroit, Chicago, Philly, etc. They grow up surrounded by violence and misery. They get abused by the people surrounding them. They have absolutely no concept of what it is like to live in a nice suburban neighborhood where one is not living in fear of life or limb every minute. I grew up in a Catholic Church. My best friend went to a Presbyterian church. Later, in high school I met people my own age who grew up in Unitarian churches. There was absolutely none of the stuff in these various environments which people have described here. They are as different from an fundamentalist church as is quiet mainstream suburban town from the south side of Chicago. There is absolutely no comparison between the two – they are like night and day.

    You simply cannot thrive and grow if you are under the thumb of an abusive minister and his minions of elders. The bipolar? Well, that is a much tougher hurdle to conquer. You simply cannot walk away from biological disease they way you can from an abusive church. It is a much more difficult challenge but it can be conquered, as well. It just takes more work.

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  6. I think the church’s preoccupation with marriage is a huge failure. Both Jesus and Paul said it’s better not to marry, and I don’t think they were making an absolute statement, but at least it should make pastors and churches strongly consider how hard they push marriage.

    Growing up, there was this implication that life began at marriage, which is why the senior year at college was seen as the last chance to join the human race. Interestingly, my single years were some of the happiest of my life. Many of the darkest days were when I was maintaining a hopeless situation just so my wife could be near her family and go to the same abusive church.

    As with many areas, we mix personal experience and our culture and then try to baptize it in scripture to come up with a set of relationship rules and regulations. What worked for me is almost certainly not going to work for someone else, and I think the worst are the ones who fell madly in love with the man/woman of their dreams (while somehow guarding their hearts, of course) and that is the yardstick by which all relationships are to be measured.

    Mental illness… where to begin. If you read the Nashville declaration, what you see underneath it is a completely flawed understanding of human nature. That is, that the “mind” is somehow untainted by sin. Even though it flies in the face of “Total Depravity”, churches (even those holding Total Depravity) still seem to think that every sin is a result of an untainted mind choosing between sin and righteousness. Yes, the mind that has made choices becomes tainted, but there is always this thought that unwinding the choices can restore the mind (aka “Biblical Counseling”). I think that is the root of a whole bunch of evil. For example, victim blaming, where the church denies that the mind of an abused wife could be manipulated to the point where she accepts and internalizes the blame for the abuse, They use her mind, as if it were somehow untainted, to judge her. They think that homosexual desires and transgenderism come from a mind that has chosen to be that way rather than something that is by nature. Then it becomes easy for them to judge. They’re judging a choice rather than mourning the results of sin and brokenness. In the same way, when someone is diagnosed with mental illness, there is not this mourning of our broken world, but instead this idea that the mental illness is a result of deliberate sinful choices (e.g. Romans 1).

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  7. Mark, Why did Jesus (and Paul) think it better not to marry? My own personal views are that Jesus was, in fact married. Living when he did and growing up in the culture he did, I believe it was rather a remote possibility that he did not marry. His father would have already have arranged a marriage for him. I think the churches have traditionally covered it up so as to avoid the distraction it would bring about as it pertains to Jesus. They had an agenda and reality did not fit well with it.

    I think the reason the various churches push marriage is because they view it as a preferable alternative to the free sex within our society today. People are having relationships, bearing children and raising them, all without any thought to marriage and now such has become rather acceptable. Perhaps church authorities do not favor such practices. They are desperately hoping to marry off the faithful to spare them from what they perceive as debauchery. My own views are that children are best raised in a stable (married) two-parent dynamic where both parents are of the opposite gender.

    Anyone who today in the 21st Century believes that mental illness is the result of sinful choices ,truly, is not too bright. There is overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I have long come to the conclusion that having a high IQ or, frankly even a moderately above average one, is not at all a prerequisite to being a church authority or leader. In fact, likely, it would hamper one’s success in that regard.

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  8. All the churches I attended believed firmly in psychiatry. That “bad genes” made me a soulless monster. They did their best to drive me out of the church. So being pro-psychiatry does not guarantee kindness and compassion. To this day there are no known pathological markers for mental illness, btw. A lot of people have a third theory.

    Psychosis and depression don’t have to be caused by sin or being an evolutionary throwback. (Mainstream psychiatry is rooted in eugenics and social Darwinism. A lot of churches would clutch their pearls if you told them this because their mainstream members and church pillars are CEOs of pharmaceutical companies or prominent psychiatrists. Trace the money trail.) Another belief is that emotional pain causes some people to seek refuge in psychosis and depression. It can even cause what William Glassner calls creative symptoming–hallucinations and really bizarre delusions.

    In my case, believing in my innate ensoulment or humanity helped a lot. It even ended a lot of my weird behaviors and depression.

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  9. Rachel, I still remain at a loss to understand why you would have even discussed your medical condition – and depression is a medical condition – with the church officials or, even with the members. Why is it any of their business? Seems to me that if the congregants or church officials drove you out of your former church, they did you a huge favor. Schizophrenia, for example, is highly treatable with medication. It can completely eliminate the disordered thinking but the various medications have extreme side effects so it is HUGE trade off. The “cure” comes at a great price.

    Anyone can become transiently very depressed given sufficient trauma or other circumstances, in their life. A person with endogenous depression becomes depressed even without adverse stimuli and they have a very difficult time shaking it off. If there was not a biochemical basis to all of these disorders, how would chemical agents – such as approved medications – help. The change is absolutely dramatic with schizophrenia; it is less dramatic with antidepressants. Bipolar is also difficult to treat. The depressive part is treatable but then the treatment for this phase can throw the person into mania.

    Frankly, Rachel, these church people with whom you were involved sound like absolute reprobates. It is good they did not want you. To the degree that “birds of a feather” applies or “water seeks its own level” applies, perhaps you were not of that feather. Sounds like such is a compliment to me. Sounds like what you are really saying is that “I tried to affiliate with a band of degenerates and genuinely nasty people but they, somehow, did not want me; I just couldn’t fit in.” Well, maybe that is a good thing! Frankly, I’d be more concerned if these folks DID like you and found you to be compatible with their organization. Seems to me that being rejected by these folks is a badge of honor. How did you find this particular church in the first place and how can you be sure you wont wonder into another just like it?

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  10. Lois, “Mark, Why did Jesus (and Paul) think it better not to marry?”

    I think both Jesus and Paul used shock and hyperbole to make people ask the deeper questions and not fall into traditionalist thinking. When you look at Christian ritual – marriage, funerals teachings on relationships, it is very common for people to do things how they’ve always been done and not really step back and understand what they are doing. So, I think Jesus and Paul are putting out a simple counterargument, not to be taken as the absolute truth that marriage is less (i.e. clerical celibacy) or to be simply ignored as it is in Evangelicalism, but to allow people to take a deep breath and really ask themselves what is best for them.

    “Anyone who today in the 21st Century believes that mental illness is the result of sinful choices, truly, is not too bright.”

    I’ll get on my soapbox a bit. The church I grew up in was badged an intellectual church. Lots of scholars and brilliant people. The preaching was all about how well Reformed Christianity stood up to intellectual challenge and how this or that ‘proof of the nonexistence of God’ was logically flawed. But… my experience was that it was all a smoke screen. Maybe there were a few sophisticated theologians, but most rode on their coattails and when questioned just pulled out the ‘pastor’ card. As such the church remains conservative in the truest definition – unwilling to change just for the sake of not changing, and that’s why backwards notions of mental illness are still alive and well. I think that plays into the intellectualistic pride – that these people can glory in their intellect (whether they actually are intellectual or mere wannabes) as the reason they became Christians.

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  11. Mark, one simply cannot be a critical thinker and swallow all that stuff hook, line and sinker. It makes about as much sense as the pictures of Jesus carrying or petting a baby dinosaur or else the one where he is riding on the back of a brontosaurus. Another romanticism along much of the same lines as the way we constantly see Jesus in artwork. He is depicted as this very handsome European man in his late twenties, earlier thirties with light eyes, light brown wavy hair and a face to die for. I like to call these depictions that of the “Malibu Jesus.” In reality, the historic Jesus was born in the middle east so he would have been short, stocky and very, very middle eastern in appearance. He would have looked far more like the middle-eastern man working at your local 7-11 store then the fresh off the surfboard, chiseled-feature male with a perfect face. All of the various Hollywood movies where he has movie star appeal did not help any either . Between Leonard DaVinci and the Hollywood movie directors, people have a very distorted view.

    As for his view of marriage, if I could place bets on it, mine would be that he was married and this aspect was simply played down. It was not even intentionally played down. Women did not much matter. They just were there as a fact of life. They did not much factor into what a man did for a profession. Women were simply someone who you went home to – when you felt like it – and who cooked, cleaned your abode and raised your children. They did not much matter and they were not much worth mentioning. If he did have a wife, most folks could have cared less.
    She mattered as much as if he had a pet dog or whether he was left-handed or right -handed. Do we know which was his dominant hand? Do we care?. She would certainly not have come into the spotlight in any way. Certainly no one care what kind of shoes she wore, not withstanding the fact that stiletto spikes had not yet been invented. She was stashed away where ever it was that he lived tending to the mundane aspects of his existence.

    Peter had a wife and we don’t hear much about her, either. For all we know, Peter may have had a dog or a cat or whatever – people had domesticated cats and dogs, by then. It was all the same. What sort of undergarments did Paul wear? What did he normally eat when he got up in the morning? How many hours a night did he sleep? Did he snore? Did he prefer to sleep on his right side or his left? Do we know? Do we care? Wives were only relevant to the degree that the Bible needs to make a point and that the point involves a woman. People were about as interested in whether or not Jesus had a wife as you are when you hire an electrician or a plumber to fix something in your house. Do you ever inquire as to whether he is married? Does it factor into your decision to hire him? You could care less. If you like your electrician and you are recommending him to others, do you ever mention his marital status?

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  12. Dr. Brenneman I’m doing fine now, thank you very much. The only result I got from Haldol was seizing and Parkinsonism. Sound sleep cured me of my hallucinations. Three weeks without sleep would make anyone loopy! Even you would agree with that.

    I’m not sure how taking pills will cure being rejected by people like I mentioned. I was heavily medicated during the incident as I recall. So my taking mind-altering drugs failed to change how THEY thought! Fancy that. If someone is upset or agitated plain old Valium in a large dose will have immediate results as well.

    I’m doing okay in my new church. None of them know about my nasty label. I hope to have it changed soon; the DSM5 has an angle I can use. It calls into question whether people who hallucinate on SSRI’s are truly SMI or simply hyper-sensitive to the drug. In over 23 years I have not been psychotic or manic, thank you very much!

    Many pro-psychiatry churches have this mentality, btw. Just because they believe you’re hopelessly insane/diseased does not mean they will treat you with kindness or compassion.

    And my parents told them about my diagnosis because the elders demanded to know why I lived at home and couldn’t work. In my last church I told them I had FM and they were a lost nicer.

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  13. About the last part of Lori Alexander’s harmful and stupid conclusion: “just following orders” didn’t work with the humans who ran the Nuremberg Trials. I’m sure it won’t fly with God on Judgment Day.

    If Caesar Nero wants us to burn incense to his image and worship him as a god it is our Christian duty–not just right–to disobey him. I plan on obeying my husband, if I marry. But if he sets himself in place of God, he’s got another think coming! If he threatens to leave me because I won’t wife swap or abort our child, I’ll point to the door. “Don’t let the screen door hit you where the good LORD split you!” 😀

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  14. It calls into question whether people who hallucinate on SSRI’s are truly SMI or simply hyper-sensitive to the drug.

    Interesting. I could see that.

    I wouldn’t tell anybody I wasn’t close to me my medical details. Sucks that your parents did. They don’t really need to know so I think that’s a good way to go. Just because you have been dx’d at some point with something doesn’t mean that’s who you are. You are just you.

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  15. Rachel, I am not a doctor. I am a nurse practitioner. We have to constantly correct patients who insist on calling us doctor. Even when we tell them not to do so, they do it anyway. Rachel, of course, I would agree that insomnia could result in hallucinations. I am on your side in all of this. I was not among those condemning you. I simply was at a loss to understand why your medical status was any business of the church or its elders. If you got the impression I was criticizing you, such is not the case. Now, I understand why they knew about your medical problems. It was your parents, and not you, who told them. It is unfathomable to me that elders would pry into your business in such a manner. Many people hallucinate on all manner of drugs – some of which are not even used to treat psychiatric conditions. Hallucination secondary to drugs is not a psychiatric disorder. It is very common, in fact.

    Rachel, again, I was not judging or criticizing you. Perhaps I misunderstood you to believe that you mentioned having bipolar disorder. That disorder, by definition, includes depression and mania. If the person has no mania (or depression, for that matter), then it is a unipolar disorder and those can be easier to treat. I do not believe that any psychiatric disorder is a person’s fault and I certainly was not faulting you. The fault lies in how you were treated by various members of your former church. I believe that they way you were treated is reprehensible.

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  16. Thanks. As I Corinthians 13 says, “Knowledge puffs up; love builds up.” In the end, love, not intelligence or head knowledge will deliver us from being cruel and hurting one another.

    The smartest guy I ever dated was a racist. (I broke up with him over it. He was mad at me for “fraternizing with the wrong peoples.” My best friend is African American and my sister is adopted from Korea.) He had very intelligent, carefully thought out arguments to support his position on “racial realism.” His intelligence did him no good, because he used it to the wrong ends.

    He tried to force me to marry him using extreme pressure, emotional abusive manipulation and threatening my family of origin! I called the police on him two years ago and he has left us alone since.

    I actually called you doctor because I thought you had a doctorate in nursing. But I had therapists with doctorates in psychology who had me call them by first names. Whichever you prefer.

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  17. Rachel, You did well to dodge that bullet. No one needs a racist and the worst part is that it is a stone’s throw from racism to being a wife abuser. Obviously, he was already using abusive tactics while you were dating him. Imagine what he would have been like had you actually married him. It would have gone downhill from where you were. Good riddance to that one.

    As for obeying husbands, I always run everything by my husband if it is something which remotely concerns him. It is not so much an issue of obeying but I want to be sure he is OK with whatever I have in mind. Now, if it is something which strictly involves me then I don’t run it by him. If I was purchasing a handbag or a book or anything which no one but me will use, then I do not consult him. If it is anything which he will also use or look at or whatever, then I always consult him to be sure he also likes my idea.

    Sometimes I try to consult him about something – like which varieties of tomatoes should we grow in the garden this year – and it is something in which he has no interest. In that case he does not want to become involved. When we have a difference of opinion on something – again, it is not a matter of obeying. We then go into negotiations until we come up with a mutually agreeable solution to the issue at hand. If it is something not all that important to me, I will typically give in and do it his way from the get go. Most things are more important to him than they are to me so typically he gets his way, most of the time. BUT – if it is something which is important to both of us and we are bucking heads on the issue, then there is no giving in. We struggle and debate the whole thing until we come up with a compromise which works for both of us. Whoever feels most strongly about the issue usually wins out.

    I don’t believe in obeying. Rather, I believe in respect, consideration and compromise. If a man wants to be “obeyed” he is not going to want me for I wife, in the first place. If he wants a partner who will respect him and be considerate of his preferences and idiosyncrasies, then I would be a good choice.

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  18. Rachel, Will you”obey” him, per se, or will you be considerate of his needs and preferences because you love and respect him? There is a huge difference between the two concepts. My husband has no formal authority over me but I often go along with what he wants because I love him and want to see him happy. If my intellect tells me, however, that what is wants is not reasonable then I will not accommodate him. Example: Our dog died and my husband did not want another dog because dogs tied you down, on some level. I very much wanted a dog and it was very important to me to have one. Pets are my surrogate children.

    In this case, the strength of my needs outweighed his sense of convenience so I insisted we get a dog….and we did (and he was very unhappy about that decision).. In other cases, the strength of his needs outweigh what I want and I give in. I use a combination of my desire to have my husband happy along with my own intellect to determine if any given position he is taking is or is not objectively reasonable. Most times I do give in to what he wants but if I feel his position is unreasonable (as in the case of the dog), then I do not cave in. Judgement prevails. It was not objectively reasonable to deprive me of having a dog.

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  19. Pingback: Book Review Series – Lori Alexander’s “The Power of a Transformed Wife” – When Proverbs 31 Becomes a To Do List | Spiritual Sounding Board

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