Survivor of Tullian Tchividjian’s Alleged Clergy Sexual Abuse Goes Public with Her Story – Part 3

Tullian Tchividjian, Personal Survivor Story, Clergy Sex Abuse


Statue of Lady Justice © Sebastian Duda, Fotolia #35822634.

Statue of Lady Justice © Sebastian Duda, Fotolia #35822634.

LINKS: My Story:  Part #1Part #2Part #3Part #4Part #5.

Editors’ Note: This is Rachel’s story, and she is sharing what she recalls of her relationship with Tullian Tchividjian. She is sharing her facts, opinions, and what she believes to be true. Tullian is a public figure of interest. It is not defamatory to share opinions, beliefs, and personal stories publicly. In order to prove that she is being defamatory, it would need to be shown that she knowingly told lies, and did so with malice.

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MY STORY, PART #3

#6. My Process of Repentance and Recovery (Spring 2015 Onward) and My Message for Those Drawn Into Clergy Sexual Misconduct:

There is Help and Hope for Us!

Notes from the Editors

It has been clear to us all along that Rachel was seeking to understand her experiences of being caught up in sexual misconduct with Tullian Tchividjian, process them in a way that indicated repentance and not revenge, and find a redemptive pathway in going forward. Her earliest drafts about her experiences as a survivor and her repentance and recovery processes shared practical, pointed advice. We thought Rachel had even more worth passing on to others. So, we suggested she consider an additional section, just for what she would most want to share with others who have found themselves drawn into the seductive charm of someone – especially someone held up as a Christian leader – for what you supply in terms of money, sex, and/or power.

This is what she wrote for you to consider. It combines both those streams. Some of it comes from a comment she posted as “Anonymous” on the November 21, 2016, post, “Do Unto Others” by Nate Sparks. We have added the subheadings to make it easier to locate topics.

Also, please note that Rachel is not a trained mental health professional, but she uses mental health terms in describing some of Tullian Tchividjian’s behaviors and apparent character issues. These are her opinions based on her limited knowledge, and are not meant to be a factual diagnosis.

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MANIPULATION AND ISOLATION. My family was truly taken advantage of, lied to, and abused by Tullian Tchividjian. We didn’t know him very well at first, but felt sorry for him and tried to help him as he played the victim after finding out about Kim’s alleged affair.

I saw from the inside what happened at Coral Ridge, especially in the summer of 2015 … who Tullian used and how he manipulated people, trying to secure a large financial settlement for himself from the church, while simultaneously pursuing a relationship with me, love-bombing me with promises of marriage and other such nonsense.

There is much that I knew that Tullian would hate to see become public. So he made sure he assassinated my character locally, and to all others who might care. I ended up completely cut off, isolated, with no one to help me. The church was reeling. Former Coral Ridge “friends” feared for their jobs or believed the lies about me. Some followed and pandered after Tullian, but cut me off. And he had so efficiently gaslighted me by causing distrust and fear of opening up, that I alienated myself from even pursuing appropriate help. That process lasted more than seven months.

REACHING OUT. Finally, in March this year, I reached out to Julie Anne Smith at Spiritual Sounding Board. She was the first person to tell me I had been spiritually abused. Her heart was never to bash anyone. She has protected and encouraged me, providing me with great support and contacts such as Brad/futuristguy, and Dr. Diane Langberg at Global Trauma Recovery and her lectures … I started to understand what had happened to me. Here is some of that process, and what I came to understand about myself, how I was drawn into sin, and where I now stand through recovering who I am as a repentant daughter in Christ.

COUNSELING AND ISSUES. My first question to my doctor was, “What’s wrong with me?” After a year of counseling with a great psychologist, I now understand why I was so vulnerable to sexual predation. Some had to do with my background, being subject to jealousy, and self-doubting. But much also had to do with being played by Tullian, who knew exactly how to twist those into his tools.

I am a sinner. I have truly repented and know and love the Lord more now than I ever did. But I have not had “three previous affairs,” as was said about me, though I did have one years before my being with Tullian. He knew this. Tullian also knew/suspected that my husband was having an affair. So Tullian knew how vulnerable I was. So, in all of this, I do not consider myself a victim as much as a survivor of pastoral sexual abuse.

Like other women who have shared their stories in this situation, Tullian knew my story and had scoped me out at church and online before making his calculated, patient, and very deliberate approach. Then the double entendres, the songs, the lies … subtle befriending by a man I was not physically attracted to, though I believed him to be charming, a relaxed extrovert, and very sincere.

I saw Tullian reaching out to multiple women, mostly online. He made comments about his previous relationships, mentioning names, but fabricating and embellishing details. He commented on how easy it was for a man to take advantage of young mothers in the church.

Because Tullian was my pastor, I found it easier to trust him over myself. Tullian counseled me continually during our brief relationship. He played with my mind. I was extremely vulnerable at the time. When I stepped away, asking for space, he pursued heavily. He used theology, “the gospel,” anything he could. He lied outrageously to me about many things.

DEALING WITH BLAME AND SHAME. I was at a point where I fully and completely blamed myself for ALL that had happened in my life. So, it seemed, did everyone else – my husband, his family – but some of the worst has been from the Church.

I’m still hated and ostracized in my local Christian community with Coral Ridge women perpetuating gossip. A Bible study I attended recently was sabotaged by a woman who told the others about my history and to avoid me. Women I knew from the church avoid me in public. Former friends completely cut me off … people I had truly invested in. From a church that was famous for “hyper-grace,” I received the opposite at times.

UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISM AND CHALLENGING NARCISSISTS. Not all of the hardship I have faced in the past 18 months is a direct consequences of my sin. The Lord has me in process. My first marital infidelity was a brief and very dark fling with another pathological narcissist. Openness to abuse has been a theme in my life, and one I seek to grow in understanding of so that I can help myself and perhaps others one day.

I don’t believe that Tullian will stop preying on women or manipulating people to his own ends. I have had the sad reality of being overly familiar with pathological narcissism, as Tullian was not the first narcissist in my life. In my own journey towards healing, I have pursued knowledge and understanding of this condition. I have found the lectures of Dr. Diane Langberg at Global Trauma Recovery to be very insightful.

Many of my social media rants in past months have been angry and emotional. None have been effective! (Tullian and his associates blocked me immediately each time.) I know it’s ineffective to challenge a pathological narcissist this way and expect to be listened to.

Tullian uses his theology to deflect confrontation, too. He has a dangerous and snide theology that excuses sin and reduces God to a Santa-like figure who lets us continually use His checkbook without consequence. Tullian basks in the glory of the gospel, but displays none of the obedience it calls us to.

I confess that I sometimes just get upset that such a dangerous man still is able to capture a large and sympathetic audience of my vulnerable brothers and sisters in Christ. I was sucked in more than all of them for a time, and my heart now breaks for their deception. People need the true gospel … the true gospel message involves confession of sin and repentance that leads to faith in God and good fruit. Narrow and difficult is the road that leads to life.

PREDATORS AND PREDATION. As Christians, we are told that we are vulnerable to spiritual predation. It is widespread in our churches in these latter days. Narcissistic leaders occupy pulpits all over the world.

Tullian Tchividjian was a perfect storm to form a self-absorbed personality. He had the pressures of growing up in a “Christian Royal Family” (as he put it), his “middle child syndrome,” small stature, and years as quite an extreme prodigal … the ability to find easy promotion (beyond his qualification) in the Christian world due to his family name … genetic factors … family dysfunction. Many things contributed to Tullian evolving into who he is now. And who he is, is extremely dangerous to the body of Christ.

I do not believe Tullian can stop. He is addicted to his narcissistic supply. He pretends he is submitting to godly counselors, but he merely has “yes men” and “pocket pets”… people he can control. Once he burns bridges or gets caught in lies, he moves on to new horizons. He continually is scheming up a plan. He blocks all challenge and believes his own fantasy narrative. And he is incredibly, incredibly, charming, deceitful, and cunning. He fools even highly intelligent people and creates hierarchies of supporters, both male and female. He feeds off the attention others give him. He lies pathologically and appears totally immune to conscience.

I’ve learned that narcissists like Tullian rarely stop unless they are forced to. Tullian so far has been enabled by financial benefactors and moral supporters to find a market for his message. The bad press has not deterred the online masses who fawn over him, never having any personal dealings with him at all.

We sheep try to believe the best about others. We know we are sinners and try not to “judge” our brothers and sisters. We ponder the good, the noble, the true, the lovely, the praiseworthy; thus, we have no defense against wolves of Tullian’s kind. Furthermore, it is often the most broken of us who crave to know the Lord’s acceptance and love. Thus, Tullian, and those like him, appeal to and prey on the spiritually vulnerable.

Tullian speaks a lot about grace for the fallen. And it is true, God promises us beauty for the ashes of our broken and misspent lives. But these beautiful promises are contingent on our full repentance – and this means turning from sin, fleeing from it, and making right where possible. Tullian argues that people shouldn’t judge his repentance … how could they know his heart before the Lord? Well, Jesus says, “By their fruits you shall know them.”

“And that,” in the words of Forrest Gump, “is all I have to say about that.”

DEALING WITH DETRACTORS. When people shout about grace for the abuser, they don’t know how foolish they are. Tullian had an outpouring of love and support at every turn, regardless of his antics. I get it. I was his “Adrian” to his “Rocky Balboa” … he said he “needed a woman who would stand by him regardless” … it sounds so weak and utterly pathetic. And I was weak and utterly pathetic, for a season. But if you haven’t been there yourself, you really cannot comprehend what the darkness of sociopathic manipulation is like.

When people blame the abused, highlighting the sin of adultery, they do damage they don’t realize. They don’t understand what it is to be preened and how much self-blame the victim is already drowning in. I have been seeing a psychologist for the past year to deal with those issues. Many of Tullian’s victims I know well still have very raw wounds and ongoing issues.

FINDING DEFENDERS AND DEVELOPING NEW FRIENDSHIPS. I’m very thankful for “the Sheep Lady” …. she has helped me immensely. [“Sheep Lady” is a reference to Julie Anne Smith, whose Twitter account is @DefendTheSheep, and Tullian apparently pressured his inner circle of protectors to go after her on social media and “Go get this b****! Please.”]

Furthermore, the Lord has brought other friendships with women into my life. These women had been married at one time to men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Their lives were utterly train-wrecked and it was no fault of their own. For the narcissist, character assassination and a profoundly illogical inability to empathize with the victim is classic behavior. The narcissist lives in his own grandiose world. His former victims are complete trash to him and he seeks to see them trampled down beyond the ability to ever recover. His words about me to Lisa exemplify this.

GOD’S PURPOSES. I want those reading to understand that, despite how it looks, I do not hate Tullian Tchividjian or wish to hurt or unnecessarily embarrass him. I’m not bitter about what happened to me. The Lord allowed all of it for some reasons He has revealed to me and probably others He has not (and that I may never understand this side of eternity). We don’t know the depth of evil in our own hearts and cannot challenge Him on His dealings with us. I trust Him with my life. He is truly good and humble and kind and beautiful. But His justice is very pure and His discipline is intense. How could we trust Him as a Father otherwise?

PURPOSES, APOLOGIES, THANKS, AND ENCOURAGEMENTS. I am genuinely concerned for Tullian Tchividjian’s soul and his well-being. I know I am very obviously a sinner. I cannot judge Tullian’s standing before God. I have been judged, painfully and horribly myself by the church. I have been chastened by the Lord, which was worse!

I’m expecting to be criticized heavily for speaking out as I have. (Tullian terrified me preemptively about ever speaking out. I promised him I wouldn’t. But the Lord has more authority in my life now.) Perhaps I will be ostracized more than I have been already. My word may be doubted by all who still love and adore Tullian. It seems almost impossible to believe the facts I’ve stated about him, but I assure you, before God, it’s all the truth. And I strongly believe, before the Lord, that now is His time for my story to be told and I want you to know that this is the main reason why I came forward.

I also wish to apologize publicly to all those who have been affected by my sin. I have had an opportunity to talk personally with Kim Tchividjian. I contributed to her very great pain and that of her and Tullian’s children. I know my revelations are not easy for his family to hear, or for Stacie and their new family. But I believe they are important nonetheless.

I hope and trust that my testimony will accomplish its divine purposes and perhaps help some of Tullian’s other victims who have been unable to share their stories. I can confirm Kara’s testimony about her interaction with me as the truth. I thank both Kara and Lisa for being brave enough to speak up. Their stories add to my own understanding and healing.

I also would like to thank Julie Anne Smith and Brad Sargent (brad/futuristguy) of Spiritual Sounding Board for coming alongside me last March and for being there since. The first time I heard of the “Defend the Sheep” lady, I was with Tullian. I wondered who she was and commented to him that I couldn’t understand why other Christians had to be “such haters.” How ignorant I was! As time went on, I read Julie Anne’s blog and realized that she had pinned Tullian perfectly. She was asking all the right questions. I reached out to her and thus began my journey of understanding truly what had happened to me. It took me a long time to figure out the sad truth about who Tullian really is.

Julie Anne and Brad work incessantly and fight tirelessly to highlight abuse systems in the Body of Christ. I was never pressurized by them into coming forward with my story. I was protected continually (especially when I started emotionally ranting on social media using my real name!). They have become my friends, and I am truly thankful for their faithful and vital ministries to the church and to the victims of spiritual abuse. Their job is unpopular, laborious, and difficult. They are misunderstood greatly. Their reward, I believe, will be from the Lord Himself.

Lastly, if you are a woman who has been affected by Tullian or another abusive pastor, please, please reach out for help. It is important that you come to a full understanding of what happened to you so that the healing process can begin.

I know that coming forward to find help is daunting, that you would probably rather forget the details. You may fear the consequences of speaking up and seeking help. But your life is precious to the Lord and He wants you to find Him in even this.

Jesus is so lovely. He has a special place for “women like us.” He can take away our shame and commission us for His use. Our life is not on the scrap heap. Out of the ash, He brings us hope. True hope. In all the small and large details of my life the past 18 months, He has been close and has shown Himself to be my true friend and lover. I question Him often … but I know, love, and trust Him more now than I ever did. And that is my hope and prayer for you, too …

Rachel

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37 comments on “Survivor of Tullian Tchividjian’s Alleged Clergy Sexual Abuse Goes Public with Her Story – Part 3

  1. Rachel,

    Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. And thank you for taking the time to share the lessons you have learned. So many good insights, I pray they will spare others the sorts of abuse you have faced.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Pingback: Tullian Tchividjian: Further Accusations and Important Resources – Sparking Conversation

  3. Pingback: Survivor of Tullian Tchividjian’s Alleged Clergy Sexual Abuse Goes Public with Her Story – Part 2 | Spiritual Sounding Board

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  5. “Many of my social media rants in past months have been angry and emotional. None have been effective! (Tullian and his associates blocked me immediately each time.) I know it’s ineffective to challenge a pathological narcissist this way and expect to be listened to.”

    Don’t blame yourself for this failing, don’t beat yourself up. There is no way at all, aside from an absolute miracle, of challenging an NPD at any time in any way, whether it be by playing nice, by directly challenging them, by trying to reason with them, by doing anything at all other than just giving them over to the Lord for Him to do with them as He see fit. They lack an essential element that makes the rest of us fully human:empathy; they do not care about you or anyone else, they essentially hate everyone but themselves, they cannot be challenged at all. Unless they repent, they will simply have to face the Lord one day who will neutralize them–and how!

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  6. “I confess that I sometimes just get upset that such a dangerous man still is able to capture a large and sympathetic audience of my vulnerable brothers and sisters in Christ. I was sucked in more than all of them for a time, and my heart now breaks for their deception. People need the true gospel …”
    ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

    I used to get very upset by it, would just rage at it and frankly rage at God (“Why don’t you set things straight, Lord? What’s going on here?”). But I’ve come to see it differently in recent years. The Bible’s pretty clear that in the end times people won’t want to hear the truth because they just don’t care about the truth, they don’t care squat about Jesus, they want what their greedy itching ears want to hear, so they’ll throw their enthusiasm after false prophets, liars, and fools.

    One purpose this serves is separating the true church from the fake one. There are a lot of people just wanting to be part of a trendy movement, wanting, as strange as it sounds, to be abused, just not really caring much at all about Jesus, just fakes and phonies. Personally, I’d just as soon have them running after false prophets than completely messing up the genuine church and true fellowship by joining it. Of course there are legitimate believers who get caught up from time-to-time in this nonsense, but almost invariably they see what’s truly happening and make a run for it or finally decide to dig their heels in and refuse to back down from the truth and get run straight out of the false churches. You sound like you fit into this category.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Rachel, may God bless you abundantly for sharing your story. If even one is spared the heartache of pastoral abuse, it will be worth it.

    May you experience beauty for ashes in every area of your life.

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  8. I’m grateful to Rachel, Lisa and Kara for pulling back the curtain in order to bring health to the body of Christ and to those who are struggling in the same place. I pray for healing and restoration for all.

    Not many abusers get a wake up call like Tullian is getting here. I pray that he will use it to come to grips with the truth. If he wastes this opportunity, he will have no excuses before God.

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  9. I went onto YouTube to hear a few of Tullian’s religious ramblings.

    What struck me was his obsession with the concept of GRACE.

    I was thinking about the time I spent with the fundy baptists. Many of them have a good understanding of Grace with a healthy dose of the sober fear of God slash practical Holiness. (The rest are nuts)

    It seems that TT has a pattern of behaviour that seems completely off. Walking around shirtless. Engaging in personal discussions with other men’s wives. “Grace Grace marvellous Grace”

    To live however you please without practical holiness?

    No dude.

    I’m not a raging fundy but I can tell you that if you are married and have no awareness of the dangers of getting emotionally close to the opposite gender…
    It is sin waiting to happen.

    These Grace groups are full of worldliness. They facilitate sin by openly embracing all the world’s behaviours.

    Can a TT enabler please tell me at what point you would apply the command in:

    1 Corinthians 5:13

    I think his time is up.

    Time to cast him out.

    When was the last time you heard a ‘sermon’ on humbling yourself on your hands and knees before God and praying for him to lead you in His ways and guide you away from worldliness?

    You don’t hear it.

    I’m not talking about becoming legalists.

    I’m talking holiness.

    Appropriate behaviour around the opposite gender.

    Who preaches this?

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Rachel,
    I’ve never commented here before, but thank you, thank you for the bravery and the effort you have put into writing and sharing your story. These dynamics of manipulative church leadership are all too common–I recently heard about another PCA church in PA where almost no family in the church was untouched by pastoral sexual abuse.
    I pray that you and your family may continue to heal and know God’s strength and help.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Pingback: Listening to Grace | Our Unseen Hope

  12. “Many of my social media rants in past months have been angry and emotional. None have been effective! (Tullian and his associates blocked me immediately each time.) I know it’s ineffective to challenge a pathological narcissist this way and expect to be listened to.”

    This is kind of a little aside, but I have been in many different church circles and I have experienced in almost every single one from male leadership an almost immediate dismissal of any woman who shows a negative emotion, especially should she dare to show anger. Men are allowed to be angry, but if a woman gets angry, she is obviously in sin or just being ridiculously emotional, because she is a woman after all and that is what they do. It is extremely frustrating.
    I haven’t read any of your “rants” so I can’t speak to them specifically but please don’t feel bad for being angry. There was and is, injustice and sin going on and that should result in anger.
    I also agree with truth detector, it doesn’t matter how carefully you word things and how much you keep emotion out of it, narcissistic people and those supporting them will not hear you. I was once explaining to my counselor how if I had just said something this way instead of that way, maybe I would have gotten across to someone. She responded, ” or maybe if you said it in Spanish or spoke backwards or…” it really hit me then that I could stop thinking it was something I was doing wrong. It wasn’t. It is that there is something wrong with people who are narcissistic!

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  13. I would say it’s not friendship w/ the opposite gender that leads to bad things–I think it’s the lack of friendship w/ the opposite gender. 😦 Rachel had few relationships with healthy men. She had no one to compare Tullian’s antics to. She had zero healthy interactions with pastors, and when she TRIED to come forward, she was written off.

    People in conservative, complementarian churches have almost zero interaction w/ the opposite gender, and therefore VERY little understanding of what struggles that women face. There are very few female leaders, and even fewer people who understand that it’s sin, not friendship, that leads people to adultery. If the church was able to facilitate healthy male-female friendships, then Tullian would have been outed years ago, because male leaders would be in tune with what female members are going through.

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  14. Dear Rachel,

    Thank you. Thank you. And thank you again. By coming forward and sharing what happened, you have provided a huge service to the Body of Christ.

    God bless you and your loved ones.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. False churches produce false teachers, and it also spews forth impostors and deceivers such as Tchividjian, Tripp, Piper, Big Mac, and so on.
    This expose is worth every effort.
    Huge thanks to Julie Anne and her friends for this series of articles. I sincerely people can put two and two together.

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  16. This is kind of a little aside, but I have been in many different church circles and I have experienced in almost every single one from male leadership an almost immediate dismissal of any woman who shows a negative emotion

    That is so frustrating to hear. I’m not prone to yelling at people, true pain is more likely to result in my pulling away or unfortunately crying, but frustration and anger are normal and sometimes even righteous under the right circumstances. I find myself even more grateful to have ditched the conservative churches and joined a church that has women at all levels of leadership.

    Many of my social media rants in past months have been angry and emotional. None have been effective!

    Rachel, all you can do is all you can do. Tullian has been exposed. Those who are willing to hear it have access to the information thank to you guys.

    Like

  17. “. But if you haven’t been there yourself, you really cannot comprehend what the darkness of sociopathic manipulation is like.”

    Bingo. We are hearing Rachel’s story, thankfully, but can anyone imagine what Kims must have been like? She was young when she married Tullian and his manipulating behavior was probably hard to recognize for a long time. Then it becomes the normal. Add in children and financial concerns and it is a life of plate spinning and hoping. I really hope she gets indepth help. Working with or living with a sociopathic narcissist is Luke being in a bizarre cult. People start to doubt their own sanity. They normalize deception with gaslighting. His children will need lots of help. I am of the belief that teaching children how narcissists operate is of vital importance in this day and time. Family court actually works to protect narcissists and is often totally corrupt.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. XianJaneway said,

    I would say it’s not friendship w/ the opposite gender that leads to bad things–I think it’s the lack of friendship w/ the opposite gender.
    Rachel had few relationships with healthy men. She had no one to compare Tullian’s antics to. She had zero healthy interactions with pastors, and when she TRIED to come forward, she was written off.

    People in conservative, complementarian churches have almost zero interaction w/ the opposite gender, and therefore VERY little understanding of what struggles that women face.
    There are very few female leaders, and even fewer people who understand that it’s sin, not friendship, that leads people to adultery.
    If the church was able to facilitate healthy male-female friendships, then Tullian would have been outed years ago, because male leaders would be in tune with what female members are going through.

    Agreed.

    IMO, this is tied in with this:
    _Think the “Billy Graham Rule” Would Have Saved Tullian? Think Again…_

    Lea quoted someone up thread as saying,

    This is kind of a little aside, but I have been in many different church circles and I have experienced in almost every single one from male leadership an almost immediate dismissal of any woman who shows a negative emotion

    Or any emotion.
    If you scroll down the ‘Part 2 of this Tullian thread (Part 2 thread) you can see the poster under the name SenecaGriggs seemingly implying (unless I misunderstood him) that women are reacting to this Tullian stuff purely of emotion and not LOGIC, like him, because he’s a man.
    All men are logical, all women are purely emotional – according to Griggs.

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  19. “But if you haven’t been there yourself, you really cannot comprehend what the darkness of sociopathic manipulation is like.”

    I meant to quote this as well, Lydia. If you are not a liar, you are not expecting lies. Especially not for someone to look you straight in the eyes and lie. And yet, they do. And they’re charming and flattering and when they go too far, they pull back, apologize, and don’t test anymore for a while. Actually they’re kind of like 2 year olds that way, pushing and pushing to see what they can get away with.

    All men are logical, all women are purely emotional – according to Griggs.

    Which is utter nonsense. Men are ridiculously emotional, whether they admit it or not and it is actually hurtful to act like they aren’t. And women are also logical. I think sometimes the actual complaint here is coming from different things that are valued – kind of like how people try to tell the public they are voting ‘against their interests’ when they maybe don’t even understand what their interests are.

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  20. Rachel, thank you for your courage and for sharing your story. And Julie Anne, thank you again for your love and strength in exposing these abuses. I don’t know what we’d do without you.

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  21. Pingback: Resource Bibliography on System Issues Related to the Tullian Tchividjian Situation | Spiritual Sounding Board

  22. This was a redeeming story on many levels, and I know it will be used to raise greater awareness of this issue on a wider scale. You are a humble, brave woman of God. I pray for your healing and total recovery.

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  23. Rachel, thank you so much for speaking out and telling your story. This is what must happen so that Tullian can be outed. This is truly disgusting. And as to your “rants”, I only saw what was featured on here, but I’ll say this: I’m sure that God is even more disgusted with Tullian than you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Pingback: Survivor of Tullian Tchividjian’s Alleged Clergy Sexual Abuse Goes Public with Her Story – Part 4 | Spiritual Sounding Board

  25. Pingback: Breaking News: Former Church Says Tullian Tchividjian Should Not Be in Ministry – via Warren Throckmorton | Spiritual Sounding Board

  26. Pingback: Breaking News: Former Church Says Tullian Tchividjian Should Not Be in Ministry – via Warren Throckmorton | Spiritual Sounding Board

  27. Rachel, you have my admiration for your courage to come forward and tell the truth about Tullian. I hope and pray that you will find healing in your journey back from the dark places you found yourself.
    I would encourage any other victims of predatory pastors to pray about telling their stories. I also understand completely if they aren’t willing yet – the price is high.
    Rachel’s detailed testimony should serve as a warning for the patterns of abusive church leaders, and this will help many avoid more pain and manipulation.
    Thank you Rachel! Praise God for your strength and fortitude.

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  28. Pingback: Pastor Kevin Labby speaks against Tullian Tchividjian – Sparking Conversation

  29. Thank you for your courage Rachel and thank you for such a detailed account. Other abuse victims will be able to identify with these patterns because of your openness and candidness and they will find comfort in that.

    I am so very sorry that “church people” are being so horrible to you. That is one of the worst aspects of cults of personality. There is nothing Christian about them. The people attacking you are not doing so in defense of Christ or Christendom, but because your truth shines a light on their tawdry, immoral and unethical idol. In the reflection of their shiny golden calf they see the role that they are playing in enabling these horrible actions and that results in a lot of personal discomfort. Cognitive dissonance is what keeps these people from embracing the truth and it is a powerful motivator that enslaves people under these celebrity pastors who act more like crime bosses than shepherds. They are blaming you because those with the Holy Spirit in them do feel conviction, on some level, and your public truth is not allowing them to pretend that nothing is wrong. Your truth keeps hauling that dirty shoebox out into the open and they want you to stop.

    I have heard the same complaints of people claiming that when I expose the bad actions of false teachers that I am doing so because I am bitter or vengeful about prior abuse. It is hurtful when people you know don’t understand that all you want to do is help others avoid going through the same pain and very real repercussions of abusive pastors. That should be enough of an explanation, but sometimes it isn’t. Humans love to protect their idols.

    One thing I have found that helps is to explain that no one on earth prays harder and more fervently than I do that the false teachers I expose will turn from their sins and repent. The best way I keep my motivations in check is my constant prayer that this day will come soon so that I can never, ever waste another minute addressing the abuses again. No one wants these wolves to stop more than I do and the day they do I will move on so fast it will make it look like Superman turning back time. If I had any lingering bitterness or vengefulness, I could not pray so fervently or sincerely for an “enemy.” Also, when one is motivated by bitterness or revenge, the day the other party stops is NOT the end of the battle. Justice must still be pursued. Atonement must take place. Restitution must be paid. I want none of that. I just want there to be no more victims. The day they stop is the day I stop. Period. It is 100% within their control. This clarification seems to help some people better understand the motivation behind speaking up.

    Stay strong. It is still early in the process. It often takes years before people can start processing the truth. Many of the people shunning you and lying about you will slowly see Tullian for who and what he really is. Most will be too ashamed to tell you. But they will eventually stop supporting him and covering for him. Please take comfort in that. Attitudes will change over time. Tullian’s book sales and speaking gigs will also go down over time. Some false teachers will always support another false teacher. They do it as a defense mechanism to cope with their own deepest fears and insecurities of being outed for a fraud as well. But the mainstream, at some point, will adjust their attitudes about this man.

    If your therapist hasn’t recommended you learn about cognitive dissonance yet, then please read up on it. That is what is really standing in the way of truly good people doing the right thing. Cognitive dissonance is powerful and it keeps abusers in place, for a season. But truth has a way of niggling its way to the surface no matter how hard people try to push it down. It’s like that big beach ball that you try to hold under water as a kid. You can force the truth out of site for a while, but the need to surface will be there always. Sooner or later they can and will face the truth. May God give you peace until that time arrives Rachel and please take comfort in knowing that many support you, love you and are praying for you.

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  30. Salty: Regarding TT’s religious ramblings. TT subconscious screaming for help and MEN IN CHRISTENDOM BETTER STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND HELP AND HOLD ACCOUNTABLE because obviously his Family is too dysfunctional to do so. Dr. James Dobson, H.B. London Jr. anyone? Really sad, major name years ago on National Christian Radio admitted when he was going through a demonic spiritual attack he couldn’t think of anyone he could trust with what he was going through to call (meaning no gossip or getting thrown under the bus or talked about or blackmailed etc., and these are OUR leaders in Christendom)? Thinking of Ezekiel 2: message for Leadership. What’s in place for these situations?

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  31. Dear Rachel, I sit here crying, feeling the feelings of spiritual abuse and shunning. Thank you for your power in speaking up. Thank you SSB for fighting this good fight. I used to be so concerned about protecting my children from the evils of the world but the evils have been much closer to home and in the “church”. We must take our eyes of the “church”. It has no authority apart from its head “Christ”. Rachel, you are just the kind of friend I would love to have. Praying for you and your family and with you that these evils will be exposed.

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  32. It has been 2 1/2 years since I first became aware of watchblogs like this one. I started with RepentantPastor.com and FallenPastor.com. I greatly appreciate those that work to bring what is now in darkness and is evil into the light. I would like to add that the latter website is an excellent resource for those involved closely to any situation of adultery of a pastor. It is a place where anyone involved on either side can go for perspective. It is also a testimony to God’s redemptive purposes even when our leaders fall. These are difficult and painful situations to wade through. I am for restoration of those who are truly repentant–restoration to God, not to a place of leadership. I also for realizing that some people never do, they just put on an act because they got caught.

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  33. My thanks, too, Rachel, for sharing from the gut, for your determination to move through all obstacles and pain to bring your life into the light, and for your reliance on Jesus. Your words about who He truly now is to you are uplifting and encouraging and differ noticeably from TT-speak.

    These posts are a real-life example to me of John 3:20 – 21, and how to discern the abuser from the abused and the true servant from the false.
    “For every one who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed.
    But he who does what is true comes to the light, that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been wrought in God.”

    I pray God’s love and time bring freedom from all of TT’s influence to you and your children and your husband.

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  34. Pingback: Survivor of Tullian Tchividjian’s Alleged Clergy Sexual Abuse Goes Public with Her Story – Part 5 | Spiritual Sounding Board

  35. Thank you, Rachel. I am praying for you during this most difficult time of recovery. Thank you for showing true repentance and speaking out. It can’t have been easy. I’m proud to watch your obedience to God in something so painful… and I pray that He will continue to use you in the future to help others (like myself) identify spiritual abusers before they can harm more people and ministries.

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