Lori Alexander, The Transformed Wife, Domestic Violence
Ken Alexander recently posted an article on The Transformed Wife in which he
defends gaslights Lori’s teachings. This post isn’t really meant to focus on Ken, but Lori’s response to a Facebook comment associated with the blog post. We’ll take a quick look at Ken’s words before moving on.
Ken attempts to inform readers that Lori simply gives a choice for how women should live their lives. He tries to soften the tone of Lori’s teachings by saying: “Lori is not trying to dictate every woman’s choice, but she does feel passionately about the things she sees in God’s Word that are regularly being violated by the Church,” and, “It’s okay if you are a working mom. It’s okay if you want to go to college. It’s okay if you struggle at being submissive to your husband or even respecting him.”
I have to challenge this because he also says, “Join me in choosing the life God says is best for you and me. A life He promises will be a abundant and free as we walk in the Spirit of the life of Jesus flowing in and through us.” Also, “The moment Lori decided to believe God at His word and to trust that she is a new creature in Christ, dead to sin, and alive in Christ Jesus, it was then that the promises of Jesus for spiritual and relational healing began to come true for her.”
In other words, Ken believes the same way Lori does about women who work outside the home, women who go to college, and women who struggle to be submissive to their husbands. If he thought differently, there would be no reason for him to implore women to choose the life “God has planned for them,” and he wouldn’t use Lori as an example of following God’s word. Thanks, Ken, for the valiant attempt at trying to make us believe that Lori is only looking out for the good of women in the world. Her words have spoken volumes over the years and her intentions are pretty clear.
But, this is a discussion for another time. Let’s look at what Lori thinks about women avoiding abusive husbands.
A commenter, Lisa, asks how a woman avoids the scenario of marrying an abuser, specifically when it involves financial abuse, who may leave her penniless and destitute. This is a really good question.
Lori’s response? Women need to rely on God, women should not marry an angry man, women must choose to live by faith and not by fear, and women need to be wise in who they marry.
Other readers add comments that women are to rely on their husbands like the church relies on Christ, and marriage is not about what “we” get out of it.
There’s more to the conversation, but I’ll end here to regroup Lori’s thoughts about how to not marry an abuser. She says:
God is ultimately my provider. He commands young women to marry, bear children, and guide the home (1 Tim. 5:14) so if this is His will for me, I will obey Him and trust Him with everything else.
Women must be wise in who they marry and seek the Lord for wisdom in this area.
Yes, women should not marry angry men. It’s usually angry men that abuse women.
Right. If only it were that easy. Lori could stand to learn about abusers before placing the onus of marrying one on a woman. Abusers don’t walk around with a capital “A” on their chest to make it obvious who they really are. Abusers can be charming and clever and are very smart in hiding their true nature. There is always something that attracts a woman to the partner she commits to.
Women don’t start out in a relationship with an abuser knowing that one day her life might be a living hell. If a woman knew going into the relationship that she was marrying an abuser do you think she would still go through with it? I can’t think of one person who’s said, “Hey, I think I’ll marry an abuser. This will make my life fun and fulfilling!”
Lori’s simple, “women must be wise in who they marry” rule doesn’t really work because often times women don’t know they’re marrying an abusive partner. The abuser may never show his true colors until they are married, or may normalize the behavior, making the victim feel like it just the way relationships work. Looking back on the relationship, a survivor may recognize some red flags at the beginning of a relationship. Abusers are clever at making victims feel like they can overlook the red flags.
This is yet another example of Lori’s lack of understanding of domestic abuse and abusers. Her lack of understanding lends to her lack of empathy for victims of domestic abuse. Her lack of empathy lends her to place responsibility on victims and spiritually abuse by saying they’re not trusting in God.
Note to Ken: Own up to the fact that you believe the same as Lori does when it comes to women’s place in the home, church, and society. If you really don’t believe that a woman’s role is God ordained, then please stop enabling Lori’s teachings.
Note to Lori: It is not a woman’s fault if she marries an abuser! Stop telling women to “trust God” and “with God all things are possible” when they are in an abusive relationship. This makes a victim doubt herself and question her relationship with God. In other words, this is victim shaming. Stop telling women that there is no room for divorce. Start telling women that the abuser is responsible for his actions. Start telling women that they should not feel like they need to stay in an abusive relationship. If you truly are “mentoring” women you would care more about their safety and well being than your teaching.
**If you or a loved one are in an abusive relationship there is hope. Please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help at 800-799-7233.