How Lori Alexander’s Teaching May Keep Women in Abusive Relationships

Lori Alexander, Emotional Abuse, Headship, Submission

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-by Kathi

I’ve been reading Lori Alexander’s blogs for quite a while now. Just when I think her writing is the same old boring rhetoric she always blathers on about, she ups her game. Her recent post, “How Not to Get Married” is one that actually should be titled, “Five Easy Steps to Ensure You Stay In an Abusive Relationship.”

Lori’s sure that women taking care of themselves (a.k.a. feminism) is a way to ensure that you never get married. Her post is a response to this article which discusses how women should feel secure about themselves when in a relationship. I’m guessing she thinks it’s a feminist article because it describes women as being “strong.”

Change your appearance. The article advises women that someone should love you for who you are and that physical changes should be made because you want to make the change. Sounds reasonable to me.

Allow me to use myself as an example. I was getting tired of my hair and was ready for a change. My husband likes long hair. I told him and gave him a “look” that I was going to get a hair cut. He said, “Well, you know what I like.” I replied back with, “Yes. But, I’m the one who has to deal with it.” He understood. I ended up getting a much shorter hair cut. And, guess what? My husband likes it even though he prefers longer hair.

Lori thinks women should change their appearance to please their husband and offers examples of how she has changed her hair style and length of dress according to what Ken likes. Because that’s all women are meant to be husband pleasers, and according to Lori, this is what brings a woman true happiness.

Does Lori even realize how easy this sets a woman up for emotional abuse? When someone tries to change you according to how they like to see you, that is a controlling relationship. Abusers may use a victim dress, makeup, length of hair, or their weight to emotionally manipulate, intimidate or humiliate. In a controlling relationship like this, a woman cannot find true happiness because she will never be able to please her abuser.

Compromise our passions. The article tells women that no one should get in between your goals and that your partner should support your endeavors. I know this can get tricky in relationships where both work. I do believe your partner should support your goals and endeavors, but I also understand when one partner may need to compromise. In the end, what works best for the couple should be most important.

Lori, however, believes that women should only support their husband’s goals. To do that, a woman must follow God’s ways by staying home, having children, and following the husband wherever he may lead. To her, a woman’s value is solely placed on the will and purpose of the husband. Is it easy to see how this view allows abuse to easily creep in. Why is a woman having her own dreams and goals wrong? A loving husband would support those dreams and goals and take pride and pleasure in seeing his wife succeed.

Wait for his approval. The article tells women that they need to be assertive and make their own decisions instead of seeking validation from someone else. This is not bad advice either. An adult woman has the right to be assertive and make decisions without approval from someone else.

Lori argues that women need to follow God’s ways and be subject to the leading of their husbands. What happens in Lori’s world if a husband loses mental capacity to make safe decisions due to disease or brain injury? Does the wife just go along with what the husband says because he’s still the head of the family? What if a husband dies and the wife is suddenly finding herself needing to make major decisions for herself? Can you see how that might place a woman in a difficult situation if she has never been allowed to be assertive and make decisions?

Cancel already-set plans. The article tells women not to drop scheduled plans just because a man wants to be with you. Excellent advice! A partner controlling your planned time is a definite red flag in any relationship. Abusers use this tactic to isolate women from their friends and family.

Lori, of course, believes that women should drop everything planned for the man we love because he is our priority. This line of thought guarantees a woman will stay in an abusive relationship.

Let him change who you are. The article tells women to not change for anyone but yourself. And, if you make changes to yourself it should be to better yourself. There is really an argument against this?

Of course! Lori wants women to change for the Lord and make themselves more attractive to their husbands. Women should do this by being “loving, kind, generous, gentle, servant-hearted, joyful, meek, and quiet spirited.” Individually these qualities are not bad. All together, this is a ripe environment for emotional abuse by a controlling partner.

Lori has stated many times on her blog that she does not condone abuse and has given advice to women on what to do if they are abused. However, I find her advice of being a submissive wife according to God’s prescription a way of endorsing women staying in abusive relationships. I have called her out on this on her Facebook page, but she has never answered. If she ever does, she’ll only claim that these are not her ideas but God’s ideas. To which I would respond that if she is truly against abuse, she needs to stop perpetuating ideas that keep women in abusive relationships.

 

Photo courtesy of Pixabay.

40 comments on “How Lori Alexander’s Teaching May Keep Women in Abusive Relationships

  1. Lori Alexander’s ideology is the same as Debi and Michael Pearls’ – it’s toxic and harmful on so many levels. They believe women were created to completely give up their whole selves (identity, personality, wants, likes, dreams, goals) and allow the men/husbands mold them into whatever they want. This is beyond sick and found no where in the Bible. It’s abusive – plain and simple.😢 Thank you Kathi and Spiritual Sounding Board for speaking up on this. People need to know how harmful this belief system is.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Lori Alexander reminds me of my rapist penis. She believes, promotes, and hates all the same things he did.

    It is like she is trying to give the Ariel Castro and Phillip Garrido everything they want and need in life. It is like she wants women to act like and live like trapped little girl sex slaves. The women in her fetishes are not acting like grown ups, they are acting like trapped child sex slaves.

    She reminds me of an extremely misogynistic men that wants a trapped malnourished female sex slave chained in his basement. The trapped little slave can not tell him no. Her only purpose is to pleasure and please creepy loser selfish sicko men.

    The men who need and want what Lori has in her sick head are every bit like Ariel Castro and Phillip Garrido.

    I do not consider misogynistic women feminine or womanly. I hope Lori doesn’t think of her self as so. Lori has not got a loving compassionate sympathetic bone in her body.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Whatever you do, make sure it pleases your man.
    Whatever you do, don’t do things that displease your man.
    He’s not your man. You’re his woman. Don’t you forget it.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. From the reactive comments I am seeing here, her remarks have struck a DEEP nerve with women who HAVE been hurt and vulnerable and have not yet found a way to feel strong in themselves.

    The thing about strength is that it comes from within and does not come from repelling everyone who “looks” like the enemy. That is not strength; that is fear.

    Whichever men did whatever caused all of you to be this proactive in drawing lines were and are the ones to be feared, not the ALL the ones you or other women you are attempting to warn off may meet in the future.

    Be careful in drawing lines…sometimes you will find that YOU are the only person within the barrier you put up in fear of others.

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  5. Where does Lori’s authority come from? Did she go to seminary School?
    Or is she just some woman who is turned on by the Ariel Castro life style and is trying to convince naive woman to live that kind of life to make life more fun and easier for the creepy sick men they married.

    I think like Doug Wilson she is nothing more than a hate filled misogynist who is promoting her fetishes and trying to convince people God has her same pet peeves.

    The number one right I wanted as a sexually abused little girl was the right to be able to tell men, no! This right outrages the Lori and Doug Wilson’s of the world.

    I have never wanted to get married, because I lived the life sicko Lori is promoting the first ten years of my life. How I felt and what I needed and wanted was irrelevant. All that mattered was for the very important man to get what he needed and wanted from me. It is called slavery, sex slavery, and entrapment. Interesting that Christian men need, want, and are entitled to the same things as men who own trapped child sex slaves.

    I have lived with men in Lori’s utopia. They are not attractive. They are not respectable. They are gross, embarrassing, feeble, hyper sensitive, sexually sadistic, colossal turn offs. If there is six actual babies in the houses Lori’s men are always the biggest bratty infants in the house.

    My rapist would be pleased to know Lori has the same ideas and fetishes as he does.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Tim – Yes, I do believe she finds her identity through her husband. In comp theology, a woman’s sole purpose is to be a help meet for her husband. Individuality is not promoted and is viewed as dangerous feminist thought.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Wow! That stuff is sick.

    I would like to point out that this thinking can be very harmful to women (and their husbands) even if the husband is a decent human being, and even if he tries to treat his wife like an equal. If the wife thinks her mission in life is to be his perfect slave/doormat and that she shouldn’t be her own person, she will end up feeling like a failure and maybe even sinking into a deep depression.

    My husband has always treated me as an equal and his best friend. But we used to be part of a very misogynistic church that promoted these kinds of teachings. Often it was taught during women’s only sessions.

    I felt guilty for being the breadwinner in my home. That’s right — think about it for a minute. A young adult feeling guilty for financially supporting their spouse and children! I also felt guilty for encouraging my husband to eat healthy and exercise, because I thought I was being unsubmissive. He was 60 pounds overweight when we got married, and now he is in great shape and he thanks me for not giving up. I also felt guilty for just having a normal relationship with him and speaking my mind to him during day to day conversation.

    Patriarchy/complentarianism is all so weird and twisted! Thank God we got out. Oh, the fresh air of freedom!

    Liked by 4 people

  8. I don’t even need to read Lori’s blog to find out her opinion, because I already know enough about her to know her response to that article. It comes down to this simplistic view with L.A.: Women have no right to make any choices without asking the permission of the man in their lives first. In fact, for a woman to even dare think on her own, or have an opinion of her own, shows that she is a product of Feminism. Why any woman considers what she has to say is disturbing.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Every time, without exception, I read a post she writes I feel nauseated. This is how she would interpret Romans 12:1: Therefore, I urge you, wives, in view of your husband’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to him this is your true and proper worship.

    Her teaching is nothing more than idolatry. She has made husbands into idols that should be worshiped by their wives.

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Lori Alexander is obsessed with:
    (1) women marrying as the optimal situation, and (2) wives pleasing and serving their husbands as the optimal way to serve and please the LORD.

    She is wrong. Her teachings are contrary to the apostle Paul who gives us “a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy.” 1 Cor 7:25 NIV

    In Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, he exhorts at some length in chapter 7 on both single and married status, and the correct attitude Christians should have toward their situations.

    Paul clearly states in opposition to Lori:
    (1) remaining unmarried is the optimal situation, and (2) women with husbands have their attention DIVIDED between serving and pleasing the Lord, and the affairs of this world / pleasing their husbands. (and likewise for married men with wives)

    Paul isn’t laying a guilt trip on people who marry. He just wants us to know that “I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that…those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this… I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” 1 Cor 7:7,28,35 NIV

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that Lori and other patriarch promoters push marriage as if it is a form of salvation for a woman and her highest purpose; whereas scripture says marital responsibilities have the potential to be a stumbling block to undivided devotion to God.

    So, Lori’s teachings are FALSE AND WRONG. She promotes slavish focus on serving a husband in substitution of serving God directly. This is a type of anti-Christ philosophy if you ask me.

    Liked by 4 people

  11. Like they said on that one Christian blog, “Feminism is not always the enemy.”

    It’s as though Lori Alexander has taken almost every piece of advice that domestic abuse experts have written to warn women of warning signs of what to look for in an abusive man and to run away if you spot those traits – and is telling women to just ignore those warning signs, or to go ahead and put up with them.

    I wonder if Lori also…

    Tells her kids to run with scissors through the house,
    do NOT look both ways before crossing the street,
    and I wouldn’t be surprised if, when the toast gets stuck in their toaster at home, she hands a metal fork to her husband and says, “Here, dear, try this to fish the toast out.”

    If you ask Lori for investment advice, she will likely tell you, “Buy high, sell low!”

    Imagine Lori Alexander is host to a local cable channel in her area, where women tun in to get financial advice,
    And she’d no doubt tell you on her show,

    “Ladies, if someone offers to sell you a bridge in Brooklyn, or a Nigerian Prince e-mails you asking for donations, give both of those guys your credit card number! Remember, It’s God’s design for you to allow yourself to be financially scammed. It’s what God says, not what I say!”

    Me: 🙄 – eye roll

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  12. It’s as though Lori Alexander has taken almost every piece of advice that domestic abuse experts have written to warn women of warning signs of what to look for in an abusive man and to run away if you spot those traits – and is telling women to just ignore those warning signs, or to go ahead and put up with them.

    Indeed. A controlling man is a bad sign. I don’t know if the original article was even talking about married or dating couples or both, but some of these things are especially problematic early on.

    And some of her advice could be innocuous if it were on the reasonable side. There is nothing wrong with wearing a dress that your husband particularly likes sometimes, but that doesn’t mean changing everything to fit him. Lori doesn’t ever draw any reasonable distinctions. I don’t think she knows what they are!

    Whichever men did whatever caused all of you to be this proactive in drawing lines were and are the ones to be feared, not the ALL the ones you or other women you are attempting to warn off may meet in the future.

    Star, your comment is all over the place,but I want to address this because it ties in with what Daisy said. When someone has lied or cheated or controlled etc, what you do is you LEARN from that how to spot people who do that in the future. And you learn from other people. Then you can avoid and find a man who does not do those things, instead of picking the same person over and over.

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  13. Star- If something smells like rotten fish it usually is! We are not repelling people who merely superficially look like the enemy(abusive spouses) and believe differently than we do. We are pointing out people who promote a life and belief system that enable abusive spouses to abuse. In a marriage with two healthy people this kind of teaching for women, at best, simply creates an artificial dynamic of bosses and employees instead of partners in life who may have different roles. In an unhealthy relationship the maligned advice/conviction/teaching of those like the linked to blog post it gives power to the abusive personality while grooming the victim that the abusive treatment if not only normal but God’s plan for marriage.
    The truth and freedom are never served by staying quite or playing nice. No one bats an eye when someone gets hot and posts a livid article about rape or child abuse. Talking about this issue however bothers people because what looks so godly, pious and safely old fashioned is in fact lies form hell bent on destroying people as well as those beloved old fashioned values/images.

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  14. Check out today’s Transformed Wife (TW) article. If the Transformed Husband (TW) demands she actively participate in really bad stuff, the TW can just say No, without telling him No if he does it himself. In child-rearing decisions, however, she should carefully manipulate the TH until he comes around to her more godly POV.
    The TW need not actually listen to or compromise to reach agreement with the TH— just pretend to play along. Here’s a sample dinner-time conversation:
    TW: How was work today, sweety tweety?
    TH: We’re working on a real er artistic film starring consenting adults um mostly. Should bring in lots of dough. Had to “borrow” a little capital from 3d National Bank so don’t say nothin’ to no snoopy cops.
    TW: I’m good at keeping silent, bunches of lunches! I’m so happy you get to live your life the way you want to live it! I didn’t marry you to nag you but to be a meet help. It’s all good so long as I don’t watch your masterpiece or drive the getaway car! Or get a job.
    TH: What say we celebrate by having a threesome with Frank?
    TW: Oh, sugar plum, I’d LOVE to but Piper says that’s a big no-no! You and your little friend have a good time living your lives the way you want to live them. I’ll be keeper-ing at home teaching all the munchkins about the evils of the government schools you wickedly force them to attend and the unbiblical vaccines and monstrous mcnuggets you poison them with!

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Well, given what Lori A has said, I hope Ken decides to start a planter church in Nigeria, live in a hut, raise a garden, and use Lori as the plow mule ….. with a saw bit in her mouth!

    Really, I think Lori is doing exactly as she pleases, and just pays a very small price for it. She assumes absolutely no responsibility. She shoves everything off on Ken. I think she has Ken under her thumb, and he doesn’t have sense enough to know it!

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  16. I should note that the troublesome line about the man getting to live his life the way he wants to live it (sounds—maybe just a bit sub-Christian) was in the intervening article.
    Then in the latest comments a wife asks about deceiving the hubby in order to accidentally on purpose have more kids he doesn’t want. Neither Lori nor Ken suggests this would be unsubmissive. That task fell to Trey.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. “Really, I think Lori is doing exactly as she pleases, and just pays a very small price for it.”
    Isn’t she selling books? So—- gets paid for it.

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  18. Dave AA – Yes, in her book she promotes letting men live their lives. That’s in the next book post to come!

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  19. Hello, I’m new here, but not new to Lori’s lectures.
    Dave AA, you said: Then in the latest comments a wife asks about deceiving the hubby in order to accidentally on purpose have more kids he doesn’t want. Neither Lori nor Ken suggests this would be unsubmissive. That task fell to Trey.

    Lori tells the funny story about the time when she put a hole in her diaphragm because she wanted to get pregnant again so she could quit work. Yep. Of course both Ken and Lori can’t suggest that the woman in question may be unsubmissive.

    As for Trey, did you read his long contribution to that post? It’s something else. The man actually says that women should be glorifying their husbands, striving, every moment of every day, to conform themselves to their husbands.

    Lori teaches husband – idolatry. Not unlike her mentor, Debi Pearl.

    Liked by 3 people

  20. I believe my comment was fairly succinct even if it was something you did not want to look at and I stand behind it.
    The discussion seems to be focused on the other website and opinions of how women who would read that website would “act”.
    I do not understand the amount of venom that is present because of that. If there are women who ARE drawn to and who would fall AGAIN for an abuser then they won’t be reading this forum; it is highly likely that if they did, your words would be lost on them.
    If there are men who want to abuse women, they will not want to read this forum….so your words also would be lost on them.
    It would seem that the people who read this website are or have been recently involved with an abuser and of course are still very raw and will need to vent until they have found their own healing. If I am correct in that they would see an abuser in every male they would run into.
    But would it not be better to vent to each other rather than attack someone who is stating an opinion that has nothing whatsoever to do with what you are upset about? Which are the feelings you have to deal with after having BEEN affected by an abuser?
    The descriptions given here of women who it is believed would be attracted to the other website shows a great deal of disrespect for them to say nothing of unreality and in my opinion and experience are not far off how an actual abuser would describe his wife while verbally abusing her.
    So, my question would be…whom are you attempting to protect? Who is your audience?
    And do you believe they would find would it be worthwhile to be spoken to in this manner just to save them from being attracted to a future, potential abuser?

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  21. @ Star
    Are you KAS under another name, trying on a new persona? You’re into Tone Policing as well, though you don’t sound as emotionless as KAS.

    I don’t understand why this blog or this post has you so steamed and worked up.

    You said, “But would it not be better to vent to each other rather than attack someone who is stating an opinion that has nothing whatsoever to do with what you are upset about? ”

    What? People like Lori are basically telling women to ignore red flags they see in men, or to tolerate mistreatment from guys they’re already in relationships with. There’s nothing wrong with folks here pointing out the flaws, dangers, and sexism in her teachings.

    She blogs and Facebooks her views openly, and so we have a right to criticize her views here openly.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. WHOAH, that is a pretty far out reaction to my asking legitimate questions. 😊

    I don’t see where you would get the idea I am steamed up. I have been reading this forum for some time and have actually forwarded some things from it to others that made sense to me.

    And then…I saw this discussion and the direction it was going made no sense to me. So I made a statement which actually IS the truth and would be useful to think about and it was more or less dismissed and now I am accused of being someone else?

    Why would I have to be someone else to ask these questions? 😊

    Unless there is a disclaimer somewhere that I missed that states only comments which agree with the status quo are welcome I was under the assumption that it was an open forum of discussion….

    So I attempted to join the dialogue. Not attack anyone. Not pretend to be someone else. Not to put anyone down.

    To discuss what I saw.

    And to share what I know.

    Because if in fact it is important to warn people about abusers, it is important to use any facts at hand.

    Or…am I wrong?

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  23. @ Star.
    You’re still over-reacting. You’re coming off as being really upset by the post and the comments under it. And you also are similar to another poster on here named KAS.

    If you have been reading this blog for a long time, this post and the reactions to it are par the course… but you’re acting like they are an aberration or over the top.

    Nothing wrong with people critiquing awful marital advice that people put out publicly that can keep women trapped in abusive marriages, or cause a woman to marry a jerk face.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Star said,

    I do not understand what you believe I am over reacting TO!

    I am having a hard time believing any one can be so obtuse as to fail to see how teaching such as Lori’s can be triggering, upsetting, offensive, or alarming to women who have been in abusive relationships, or who do not want to see other women fall prey to abusive men (or stay in abusive marriages) due to the garbage Lori spews publicly on her groups and blogs.

    Basically, Lori’s teachings are justifying male abuse of women, teaching women it’s their godly duty to put up with mistreatment, and declaring it’s the will of God that women put up with it.

    Women who have lived through it and have come out of it are disturbed to think she may be leading vulnerable women astray.

    Here is where you have been over-reacting:

    Star said (and this was written after only four replies to the post),

    From the reactive comments I am seeing here [which were only four in total, one by Tamararh1, one by Christianity Hurts, two by Tim], her remarks have struck a DEEP nerve with women who HAVE been hurt and vulnerable and have not yet found a way to feel strong in themselves.

    The thing about strength is that it comes from within and does not come from repelling everyone who “looks” like the enemy. That is not strength; that is fear.

    Whichever men did whatever caused all of you to be this proactive in drawing lines were and are the ones to be feared, not the ALL the ones you or other women you are attempting to warn off may meet in the future.

    Be careful in drawing lines…sometimes you will find that YOU are the only person within the barrier you put up in fear of others.

    Star said,

    I believe my comment was fairly succinct even if it was something you did not want to look at and I stand behind it.
    The discussion seems to be focused on the other website and opinions of how women who would read that website would “act”.
    I do not understand the amount of venom that is present because of that. If there are women who ARE drawn to and who would fall AGAIN for an abuser then they won’t be reading this forum; it is highly likely that if they did, your words would be lost on them.
    If there are men who want to abuse women, they will not want to read this forum….so your words also would be lost on them.
    It would seem that the people who read this website are or have been recently involved with an abuser and of course are still very raw and will need to vent until they have found their own healing. If I am correct in that they would see an abuser in every male they would run into.
    But would it not be better to vent to each other rather than attack someone who is stating an opinion that has nothing whatsoever to do with what you are upset about? Which are the feelings you have to deal with after having BEEN affected by an abuser?
    The descriptions given here of women who it is believed would be attracted to the other website shows a great deal of disrespect for them to say nothing of unreality and in my opinion and experience are not far off how an actual abuser would describe his wife while verbally abusing her.
    So, my question would be…whom are you attempting to protect? Who is your audience?
    And do you believe they would find would it be worthwhile to be spoken to in this manner just to save them from being attracted to a future, potential abuser?

    Like

  25. It would seem that the people who read this website are or have been recently involved with an abuser and of course are still very raw and will need to vent until they have found their own healing. If I am correct in that they would see an abuser in every male they would run into.

    You are incorrect. First of all, not everyone or even most on this particular site have been abused.

    Second, not everyone has been abused sees an abuser in every male. That is the whole point of red flags and paying attention to them.

    Third, this is an ongoing series about all the issues with Lori’s book/blog and only this particular piece is about abuse.

    In addition, it is very dismissive to come in and say that people only have these opinions because of abuse.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. And to share what I know.

    Star, you didn’t really share anything, though. Or maybe it was too rambly and vague and you should restate. And you didn’t respond to any questions, for instance, how you expect people to identify which men are dangerous and which are not, if they are not allowed to ‘draw lines proactively’.

    For instance, you said “Because if in fact it is important to warn people about abusers, it is important to use any facts at hand.”

    What facts have you given that you think are important in warning people away from abusers?

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  27. First of all, not everyone or even most on this particular site have been abused.

    That’s true for me — I’m not a woman, and I’ve never been abused (unless you count some casual playground cruelty in grade school). I’m also finding it hard to understand what Star is trying to express, or what he/she is reacting to.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. That’s true for me

    I was thinking that most of this truly toxic stuff is merely what I’ve read on the internet, not experienced in real life, but we were talking about abuse the other night (someone in my bible study’s husband was abusive) and different church stances on divorce and I think what actually happened is that I was exposed to a lot of this but just filtered it out as stupid or wrong and went about my merry way. For instance, if anyone ever said divorce for any reason was wrong, well I had one set of grandparents who divorced for really good reasons, so I grew up knowing there were really good reasons to divorce. For the most part, any negative influence on this front I had more positive ones.

    So I filter them out. Or I put them in the ‘those strange people over there’ boxes. But now I’m seeing how pervasive this is, so maybe my eyes are opening. But it’s not because I suffered from it, particularly.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. @Star, “Be careful in drawing lines…sometimes you will find that YOU are the only person within the barrier you put up in fear of others.”

    On the surface, this seems to be good advice. Some do need to open their boundaries when they are closed off to safe people.

    The primary audience of this blog (in my opinion) is those who have suffered mostly emotional and spiritual abuse from being in a family or church situation that used fear and shame as a tool to manipulate people into action and preserve a hierarchical authority structure.

    The result of that situation, in my life, was that I was very emotionally immature and was paralyzed by the fear confrontation. I was afraid that standing up for myself (not being a doormat) would drive me away from my wife, my job, my family and spiritual leaders I admired. Some of those fears were realized, some were not.

    But, barriers were really valuable to me. Once I understood how people used relational fear to walk all over me, I understood that it was not godly or healthy and growing meant saying no. Now, I’m able to see that I can volunteer at church, not out of fear and guilt, but because I have gifts I can bless the church with. It helps that those at church don’t try to walk all over me like my former church.

    Honestly, I think it’s safer to have too many barriers and then let those come down as we find safe people we trust, than to have too few.

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  30. I printed all three articles off in the order of Lori’s, Strong Women and this one, stapled them together and gave them to my(just turned) 18yr daughter for an honest review. Other than saying there was mixed info somewhere within I did not slant her in any way. I was fishing to see how much of the toxic yuck I had followed when she was little had planted in her thinking. Thankfully she saw right through the toxic thinking in Lori A’s article and agreed with this one. She asked where the idea came from that we have to stop being who we are just because we are married and that true love does not work like that!

    Liked by 2 people

  31. I have just spent a depressing hour or so reading Lori’s opinions on marriage, and I believe that at the bottom of her opinions maybe a sort of ‘martyr complex’.
    She insists that suffering and giving up her personhood are what is required to make a man happy. She seems to get power from telling us all how to be doormats, her way,and that her opinion is the only valid one.
    This isn’t the mark of a victim, rather a very clever attention seeking, calculating woman enjoying her fame and followers and basking in the self-righteous light of controversy and publicity.

    Like

  32. This isn’t the mark of a victim, rather a very clever attention seeking, calculating woman

    I can definitely see that martyr complex being part of it. I used to work with a lady who one day poor mouthed like crazy about having to stay late and type a bunch of stuff in a spreadsheet. I told her I could run a list, stick it in a spreadsheet for her in five minutes. She turned me down. (and later tried to tank me to my boss for not being a team player or some nonsense).

    Like

  33. Hilary said,

    She insists that suffering and giving up her personhood are what is required to make a man happy.

    In a book or two I’ve read about related subjects, it turns out that most men (unless maybe they are abusive) do NOT want to stay in a relationship with a doormat wife.

    They usually end up either having affairs on such a woman, or they divorce her…

    For the first few months/ years of marriage to a submissive, doormat wife, some men will enjoy it – but they tire of it, because they want a woman who can be a true life partner to them, which means standing beside them to face life’s struggles with them, not under their feet.

    A lot of men want push back, they want a challenge, and they get very bored with women who cave in on everything and anything. That was one point that kept coming up in chapters about dating and marriage in books I’ve read about having boundaries, being a people pleaser, etc.

    Like

  34. Pingback: Lori Alexander Dishes Out Heartless Advice to Wife Who Was Sexually Abused | Spiritual Sounding Board

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