Christian Marriage, Divorce, Domestic Violence and Churches, Leaving the Church, Marriages Damaged-Destroyed by Sp. Ab., Spiritual Abuse, Women and the Church

Personal Story: Bruised with No Visible Marks

Domestic Violence without Bruising: Emotional, Spiritual, Verbal Abuse

Emotionally battered wives can live in turmoil for years. Many times they are not believed. They are told it is not real abuse like physical abuse. Some pastors do not believe any kind of abuse is justification for divorce. Instead, wives are sometimes counseled to love better, submit more, or even to suffer for righteousness sake. They are told that God hates divorce, and better to sacrifice for the sake of the marriage, than to break the covenant made before God.

To be an abused wife – one without physical wounds – is a very lonely place. Women tend to put blame on themselves because everyone else does. They minimize their pain. They shame themselves. They lose themselves in the process.

I loved Brenda’s comment the other day about emotional abuse:

Victims of verbal and emotional abuse have wounds that are very real but not visible–many abused women have told me they would have preferred he hit them, at least their bodies would reflect the reality of their abuse. In my opinion, spiritual abuse is emotional abuse on steroids–it strikes at the very heart of men and women who want nothing more than to please PapaGod. The effects of spiritual abuse cuts an individual off from the very one who can actually begin to heal the wounds of emotional abuse. ~Brenda Campbell

I noticed a comment in moderation from someone who has never commented before named, Bestsons. Bestsons speaks for many wives who have the wounds of an abusive marriage, but no physical bruises to show for it. Let’s go, SSB detanglers 🙂

Bruised with No Visible Marks


I have never posted here before. I have been reading posts, off and on, for about 6 months. I must admit I’m a bit afraid of “baring my soul” to a bunch of people I’ve never met but I think it will be one of the best things I’ve ever done. I feel the time has come to “let it all out”, so to speak.

This will be a bit long. I hope that is ok. A bit of background. I a a woman who has been married  over 20 years. I wasn’t married until my late 20s. All my childhood and teen years my one desire was to be a wife and mother. I went to college to get my “MRS.” degree – didn’t happen. I moved to another state to work near a seminary in hopes to find the man of my dreams. Didn’t happen. Instead I got very sick and needed to come home to live with my folks again. There was a small singles group at the church we attended and I found friendship but not really any marriage material. Then one Sunday morning he walked into the Sunday School class. Only I took an instant dislike to him….thought he was cocky and full of himself. (In retrospect I should’ve heeded my heart). Anyway, he was older than me and he shared the same doctrine as I did, and I soon convinced myself he was ok and would be a good husband.

Long story short, we got married a few years after our first meeting. I so wanted to be submissive, after all, wasn’t that what a godly wife was supposed to do? I don’t remember when the abuse started. He never has hit me but the verbal abuse was worse. I’d rather have been hit. I was subjected to his tongue lashes on a daily basis. It got to the point where I was a scared mouse always wondering what I’d be yelled at for when he got home from work.

My parents didn’t see the abuse at the time, his parents didn’t like me and I had no friends. Deep down in the recesses of my heart I knew this wasn’t the actions of a man who loved his wife but I kept making excuses to myself for his behavior.

When our oldest son was 6 months old, I became pregnant again. My husband had a job interview one evening for a job he really wanted. Well, while he was gone I started bleeding. I was in a panic. I couldn’t take myself to the hospital because I had no one to watch the baby. I called my husband at the interview and asked him to come home. He responded that he would not be coming home till the interview was over. When he arrived home he was shaking with rage. Needless to say that was one of the worst tongue lashings I ever received from him. That night, any love, if I ever had any, died. Unfortunately, like the godly wife I was supposed to be, I pushed it all down inside, as far as it could go.

At one point, I couldn’t take it anymore. I actually started calling around to social services, etc. to see what help I could get if I left. I talked to my parents, but much to their regret now, they urged me to stay with him. When he finally realized I meant business he agreed to see a counselor. Counseling did seem to help and the atmosphere got calmer for a number of years. Even though I still had tongue lashings they were fewer and farther between.

We had been going to a Bible church for a number of years when something happened that we didn’t agree with. My husband contacted the pastor and he responded with a verbal tongue lashing for my husband. The pastor did not like being questioned. We were excommunicated and shunned. People who I had known for years would turn their backs on me if they saw me in the store. I was devastated. Church and my family was my life. I had just been ripped away from the only spiritual family I had and I was barely hanging on at home (though I wouldn’t admit it.)

During these times my health started deteriorating. I already had medical issues and the stress wasn’t doing me any good. But, I kept soldiering on. There were a few more moves and we ended up in a smaller religious town. The spiritual bondage and darkness drained the very lifeblood from me. I was dying. I knew it. Not only physically but I was dead spiritually. The law does that to a person. But in God’s grace he revealed himself to me. I saw I was His beloved! I literally felt the chains fall off! It was a physical sensation I had never experienced in my life. I began to come out of the mindset that I was worthless, that all I was good for was to cook, clean, provide him sex when he wanted it, take care of his children, etc. I was coming out of my spiritual grave to resurrected life. Praise be to God!

However, I still had many trials ahead of me. After my revelation, my health took a dive and all hell broke loose in my body. These sensations were more than panic attacks. I felt my body shaking (even though it couldn’t be seen on the outside) and eventually my head. I was very ill for over a week and my husband did not help. I finally admitted to myself that I wasn’t really loved by him. I knew I had to do something. I realized I was never going to get well until I removed myself from his presence as much as possible.

So, today I took the first step and plan to leave. I feel like this is the first step to a new life. I really want my husband to change.

He has admitted to me that he was mean and abusive over the years but there is still control and manipulation he uses. I have been better about standing up for myself. However, I’m tired. I want to be me, not what he wants me to be. And what he wants and I want are two different things. I want to heal, both physically, mentally and emotionally. In my heart I know our marriage never should have happened. He wasn’t the man for me. I was in love with the idea of love. I was always being teased about being an old maid and I didn’t want that! The only thing we had in common was religious doctrine. Now, we don’t even have that.

But, I also look at him and know there is a very hurting man on the inside. He has never, ever, heard from either of his parents that he was loved. Never. He doesn’t remember being held or cuddled. The kids were the slaves on the farm. That’s all they were good for. I can look at him now, knowing where the abuses he heaped on me came from. But, I still have to take care of myself and let Father take care of my husband.

Thank you to everyone who read to the end! I know it’s not specifically about spiritual abuse but I really needed to pour my heart out to people who I feel will not sit in judgment and hopefully will care. This next year is incredibly frightening for me but also incredibly exciting. I can’t wait to see what the Father will accomplish in both of our lives.

photo credit:  Colleen (Oregon Coast)

[Updated post to remove personal info.]

34 thoughts on “Personal Story: Bruised with No Visible Marks”

  1. Dear Bestsons,

    Good for you! I wish you all the best as you move forward with your life; after all, YOU are in charge of YOU. Yes, you need to take care of yourself and it sounds like you’ve developed a plan. I hope you let us know how you are doing as you carve a new path for yourself. New year, new life! 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

  2. “I know it’s not specifically about spiritual abuse…”

    Except that your experience is very much about spiritual abuse. You lived out your marriage-in-name-only within a religious milieu that enabled, and even encouraged, the domination of women by men. Race based slavery may be viewed by most with the opprobrium it so justly deserves, but the promotion of the de facto enslavement of women by their “husbands” is alive and well across wide swaths of U.S. evangelicalism.

    Or so I suggest.

    Liked by 7 people

  3. I am very moved by your story. There is a series of books by the same author. One is called “The verbally abusive husband”. She is not a Christian but her book will validate everything you thought you were imagining. The only reason I am mentioning this book is because with every page, there is a revelation that is powerful. Most public libraries have it.

    Sometimes in ” church” the Pastors are not equipped to truly understand what is going on. A simple verse or two does not help one understand the dynamics of this abuse. As you go from one biblical counselor to the next, they may ask “do you think your husband is a narcissist” etc, but they just don’t have the training to counsel in this area. It isn’t just about “pray for him” or read this or that in the Word, it’s about specific strategies in dealing with this behavior, or really just leaving.

    I will be praying for you. There is a huge toll abusive takes..mentally, and physically. The person will continue to not own up to their behavior unless there is an ultimatum, and even that lasts for a short time and the behavior continues. Many of these men have their times of being giving in their own way, which doesn’t replace true intimacy, and as you said much is from their own unworthiness projected on others. Instead of exploring this in themselves, they avoid introspection because it’s too painful, so they lash out at you instead while appearing sometimes perfect to others. That’s why you think it must be you, and once they can make you insecure, you are a prisoner, a personal punching bag with their words.

    In the book the author explains that these men see their wives through their own fantasy of the “perfect wife” and reality is just not there. You are not there, just their imagination of what and how you should be. It’s as if they are in their own world and you truly don’t exist..when you are beaten down you are prey that they can manipulate and on control.
    I have shared the book with other Christian women I know and it has helped them tremendously to understand what verbal abuse is.

    I had a father and mother who were verbally abusive, my mother is still to this day. She will cut you down, even embarrass me. I’m in my late 50’s. I still pray even as she is in her last stages of life for God to save her. Sometimes our spouse has the same personality as our parents. What we are used to. The control is the issue. Controlling people are insecure people who build themselves up by tearing us own.

    I applaud you for your decision. And I pray or your health and well being as you walk towards victory in your life. God bless you.

    Liked by 5 people

  4. How you endured being married to him for 26 years is heart wrenching! Sounds like hell on earth.
    My heart did a little happy dance when I read that God revealed to you that you are His beloved. So glad you are going to take care of yourself, you deserve it. Thank-you for sharing, and what Gary W said was spot on. I am a done, giving up church was like getting out of prison.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Bestsons –

    Thank you so much for sharing with us! How incredibly strong and brave of you to take control of your life and realize that you cannot be responsible for your husband’s! You have survived through so much so far and I am sure that you will come out stronger in the end. I’m glad that you now have the support of your parents. And, you will always have support here.

    Liked by 6 people

  6. Thank you for choosing to share with us. Many of us feel your story deeply. As we identify with certain phrases in our own lives, it helps us to continue putting the puzzle pieces of our own lives together. We are still trying to make sense of how we could become so ill and how we were so blinded by the lies that others were feeding us. You certainly did experience spiritual abuse and it will become more clear to you as you get further away from it. I am thankful that you did not wait a day longer to remove yourself from the toxic world you were in. Some might have thought they could not leave until after the wedding, or some other future events. You chose to do what is best for you! You are courageous.

    Liked by 4 people

  7. Bestsons…


    So sorry for what you experienced…
    Husband abuse. And church abuse.

    Some times this… this… christiandumb just sucketh.


    Liked by 1 person

  8. Bestsons…


    In the midst of the WAR – Love and Peace and…😇😇

    “I was dying. I knew it.
    Not only physically but I was dead spiritually.
    The law does that to a person.
    But in God’s grace he revealed himself to me.
    I saw I was His beloved!
    I literally felt the chains fall off!
    It was a physical sensation
    I had never experienced in my life.
    I began to come out of the mindset
    that I was worthless…”


    Liked by 2 people

  9. Thank-you for sharing your personal struggles with us here on SSB. It must have been frightening to bear the open wounds and scars of your soul to complete strangers and I praise our LORD that you did. It is very liberating to write down exactly what has happened to you, for when you see it the abuse written on down on paper (or on the computer in this case), the sorted details fall into place and the fog disappears. I believe you are making the right moves in eliminating yourself from the toxins of the marriage, religion, and environment that all too often breed competition, malice and hatred instead of God’s fruits of His Spirit.

    Your story of brokenness brought me to my knees for I can identify with every jot and tittle, the pain and suffering of your story. I will be praying for you precious Bestsons, fully knowing that Jesus (the LORD of our Scriptures) will be with you every step of the way, caring and loving you with a love that is perfect. As you continue to grow in Him, the light of Christ will allow you to grow into that child that He desires you to be, His precious child. As Celeste said above, “You are courageous.” Yes, I also respect your courage and pray our Lord’s goodness, peace, and love into your life. You are truly a wonderful human being.


  10. This topic is another one that sets me off, so I apologize in advance if I do tons of commenting here. I don’t want to intimidate anyone from commenting or anything like that.

    First of all, welcome, Bestsons! 🙂

    I know I didn’t recognize until a year or so ago that I was being verbally abused by my sister.

    Some internet friends of mine had warned me several years ago that my sister was a bully and verbally abusing me, when I described her behavior to them, because it was very troubling to me – my sister’s negative behavior escalated after our mother died.

    At that time, I was thinking of abuse in terms of physical abuse, like someone giving me a black eye or bloody nose. It took me a long time to realize that emotional and verbal aggression can be other types of abuse.

    A good resource for anyone who is being verbally (or emotionally) abused, or who is wondering if they are may be, want to look into this book:
    Book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

    There are different types of verbal abuse, by the way, which Evans details in her book.

    Not all verbal abuse consists of a raised, yelling voice and insults. Verbal abuse comes in different forms and types.

    Verbal abuse can also be a partner (or parent, sibling, boss, neighbor, or friend) who discounts everything you say – they just disagree with every view you hold, or they make fun of, or trivialize, some accomplishment or comment of yours, for example.

    There are different categories of verbal abuse other than just obvious put downs, name calling, and screaming, though those are included too.

    (end of part 1.)

    Liked by 1 person

  11. @JulieAnne,
    That seminar to which you linked looks great; I think it’s two weeks from now – on January 20 at 7:30 p.m.


  12. (part 2)
    Book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

    I recognized my sister on almost every page of that book. The author mentions that seldom do verbal abusers abuse you in front of other people: they usually wait until they are alone with you (which may be face to face, or in e-mail, or over the phone). That fits my sister to a “t.”

    I used to expend a lot of thought and energy walking on egg shells with my sister, trying to understand why she would verbally lash out at me and act angry, so I could avoid her horrible tantrums.

    I also would spend time trying to explain my actions to her, because she often seems to be angry with me because she attributes negative motives to me for my actions, when she gets my motives wrong.
    So I’d try to explain my motives to her, thinking if only she knew I was not intentionally trying to hurt or anger her, she’d calm down.

    One thing the book by Evans gets into is that you are never, ever to blame for the verbal abuse, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it or that you are doing to “set the abuser off.”
    She advises anyone in a verbally abusive relationship to invest less time in trying to understand why the abuser abuses and more in halting it (she gives tips in the book on how to shut down a verbal tirade).

    Bestsons said,

    There was a small singles group at the church we attended and I found friendship but not really any marriage material.

    I so know what you mean. I’m over 40 and haven’t been married yet.

    About anytime I go into a new church, there are either no single men my age (this was true even when I was in my late 20s, and into my mid 30s), and the ones who are there – like in the singles classes – are just not catches, to put it as nicely as I can.

    There was a lot more in your post I could relate to. I come from a Christian family that role modeled and taught gender complementarian view (that the man is the head of the household, women should be non-confrontational and passive, etc). I’ve had anxiety since childhood, which sometimes manifests in full blown panic attacks (shaking, sweating, racing heart, hyper ventilating).

    I also know what it’s like to be let down by church going people when you go to them wanting or needing comfort, help, and encouragment.

    I’m so very sorry for what you’ve been through, but it sounds like you now have the courage and determination to turn over a new leaf, and I’m very proud of you.

    You may find another Christian blog helpful. I’m not a married person, but I was financially abused by my ex fiancee, so I started reading the Cry For Justice blog.

    I don’t hang out there all the time, but when I do, I usually lurk and only post once every while. They have a page or two of good resource there for women who have been in abusive relationships.

    I do think a lot of Christians are ignorant about abuse. A lot of them only classify obvious physical abuse (such as black eyes or broken ribs) as being abuse.

    Christians need to realize that abuse can come in verbal, financial, social, and emotional forms as well, and no woman should be expected or demanded to stay in such a relationship indefinitely if she does not want to.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Gary W said,

    but the promotion of the de facto enslavement of women by their “husbands” is alive and well across wide swaths of U.S. evangelicalism.

    I just saw a very interesting (but sad) news article a few weeks ago about this. I can’t remember where I saw it, though, and I can’t find it in my browser bookmarks.

    The article was about the high domestic violence rates in either North or South Carolina, and how it’s entwined with religious groups there (I think mostly Christian) who teach a gender complementarian view of women and marriage.
    In the marriage there, women are expected to stay and submit, even to an abusive husband, and divorce is frowned upon.

    Here is another link or two about it, or related subjects:

    Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence

    Addressing the issue of domestic violence has become a popular cause within the Christian community.
    But until the doctrine of female subordination which is a doctrine of institutionalized discrimination that thrives on an unreasonable fear and hatred of women (and lies at the very heart of the issue and is what perpetuates it) is dealt with, the abuses will continue.

    What’s Domestic Abuse Got To Do With Theology?

    Headship [Christian gender complementarian teachings] and Abuse

    “Bible believing” pastors and the enabling of domestic violence


  14. I’ve been looking into the topic of verbal abuse a lot in the last 1 – 2 years. I’ve found a lot of online resources illuminating (in addition to a few print books).

    Some of these topics parallel each other. Someone on the other blog advised me to read a copy of _Tired of Trying to Measure Up By Jeff VanVonderen_, which I did.

    If you’re someone who’s undergone verbal / emotional abuse, chances are, you were shamed too, or feel shamed. So that book by VanVonderen is a good resource, too.

    Some of these pages are not by Christians, but IMO, they were still good and educational:

    Why You Can’t Reason with a Verbally Abusive Partner

    Verbal Abuse in Relationships by Patricia Evans

    Verbal Abusers Are Often Blind To Their Abusive Behavior

    This page defines and explains the various types of verbal abuse that exist (not just screaming and name calling):
    Verbal Abuse in a Relationship: Know the Signs
    This page also describes the different types of verbal abuse:
    Verbal Abuse (page 2)

    ‘But He Never Hit Me’: A Christian Primer on Emotional Abuse
    30 Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship
    5 Signs Of Verbal Abuse In Your Relationship

    21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
    Emotional Abuse: Beneath Your Radar?

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Bestsons, I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. Your mention of how you felt shaky inside your body a few months ago struck a chord with me. That is a symptom of adrenal fatigue. Adrenal fatigue is common among individuals who live in high-stress environments for long periods of time. A regular MD may not recognize it, but there are plenty of holistic health care practitioners who could help you with it. With proper rest and care, you can recover from it completely.


  16. “Except that your experience is very much about spiritual abuse.”

    You beat me to it! Such an oppressive environment in the name of love and marriage is a fraud. It can take distance and time to realize that.

    You must discover just how very valuable you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I’m so terribly sorry that you’ve had to live like this. I honestly believe that people who treat people like this aren’t really Christians. How can they honestly be when what they do and say is such a contradiction. You are in my prayers!


  18. Thank you all, for your great comments of support and encouragement to Bestsons!

    Just a note: I’m back to school this week and for the next week and a half, will be the only parent at home which means lots of mom taxi duty, cooking/grocery shopping, etc, when I normally have help – – so comment moderation and long posts might be affected. I also have an important update on Bill Gothard which I will be working on AFTER I take a mental health break and work with high school choir students for a bit. 🙂 #myfave

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Oh my gosh….I’m so sorry for the pain you went through. Please know that we’re praying for you to experience healing. (We=all of us in the Spiritual Abuse Survivors Community around this blog & others & on twitter, etc) Please feel free to pour your heart out to us any time. Real friendships can be found here, and they’re usually w/ people who have experienced the same kind of pain you have. Lots of Love,
    @XianJaneway on twitter

    Liked by 2 people

  20. JA: you talking about the lawsuit filed Wednesday described by the Washington Post?

    Unless DG3 really screws this one up, stick a fork in Mr. Gothard. Could even result in him sharing a cell with Jack Schaap, since some of the victims appear to have been underage and the statute of limitations is different for those cases.


  21. Homeschoolers Anonymous has a copy of the lawsuit up. 117 pages, FORTY counts, TEN plaintiffs. No wonder “The LOOOORD(TM)” is Leading IBLP to suddenly move to Texas and take their a$$et$ with them.

    And Got Hard can’t even use the Douggie Defense, i.e. “I did not Know them in the Biblical sense(TM).” Seems he DID go all the way, with at least one teen intern who had been sexually abused (and even pimped) by her family, so that made her already “spoiled” so that made it OK. (I would really like to see a full psych eval on Got Hard; the guy sounds as F’ed up as Mr Garrison on South Park.)

    My old Dungeonmaster said once that “Most cults are started so the cult founder can (1) get rich, (2) get laid, or (3) both.” With nine figures in a$$et$ and a steady stream of young juicy interns dressed and coiffed just like Got Hard wanted them, looks like Got Hard was doing both.

    Liked by 2 people

  22. HUG… I am having a really hard time picturing you.

    No pun intended.


    Porpoises are clean animals.

    Seriously. I have kids, and stuff.


  23. I haven’t read the lawsuit, just the WaPo story. And while Bill isn’t exactly using the DP defense, he has denied the rape allegation. We’ll see what happens. Looks like the fundagelical world may have had their own Bill Cosby all this time. Gibbs III has said there will probably be more plaintiffs to come.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Hannah said,


    The book I mentioned is by the same author.


    blockquote> Oh, okay. Excerpts of her book can be read on Google books, I believe. Other sites, like Psychology Today, summarize her findings.

    I spent much of my life trying to understand my sister’s angry tirades and trying to placate her so as not to be subjected to them. I tried to understand the content of her hostile outbursts.

    Some of the valuable things I learned about verbal / emotional abuse from the book by Evans is that it is an utter waste of time to try to understand “why” the verbal (or emotional) abuser is abusive.

    She does explain that they abuse in part due to unresolved childhood issues and/or a need to control those closest to them, but at the end of the day, the author says their behavior is irrational, and you’re never going to totally understand why they do it and/or not understand the content of their gripes.

    So she advises victims to just let it go. Stop trying to understand the abuser’s motives or what sets them off (anything and everything can set them off – the problem is with them, not you).

    After I read that advice from the author, it freed me.

    I gave up trying to understand why my sister verbally abuses me. I don’t even care about the “why” anymore, all I know now is that when my sister starts in on me, I tell her to knock it off. Not that I have lots of contact with her anymore.

    But if I do and she starts in on me, I gave up paying attention to the content of her hostile ramblings or trying to understand how I may have contributed to it or triggered her – I just leave, hang up the phone, or tell her to shut up. It has saved my sanity.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Dear Bestsons, I am so sorry you’ve had to live like this for all of these years. My father was emotionally/verbally abusive and I know how it destroys your confidence, hope, trust in your own perceptions… It seems like we can force ourselves to go along for only so long before our bodies begin to rebel. One day the body says, No I am not, I cannot, do this any more! I’m so thankful God is helping you as you come out of this situation.

    Your kind heart is evident in your caring concern for your husband, in spite of what he has done to your life. I want to encourage you to realize that he must come to terms with his own needs himself, you cannot do it for him. You can only take care of yourself.

    I hate to end with a snark but I just have to wonder, how much angst has your husband suffered over the years for realizing he did not love you as Christ loved the church? How many nights did he lie awake feeling guilt and shame and purposing in his heart to love you better the next day? I could be wrong, and forgive me if so, but I’m going to guess this side of things has not crossed his mind. This is what makes me cynical about the whole complementarian viewpoint. In that system, which I am convinced is not biblical, the wife bears the whole burden. If she displeases her husband, he lets her know very clearly. She endures intense emotional pain and distress (in some cases, physical). But where is the distress for him, for failing on his half of the deal? What berating and ostracism does he have to endure for his failure to love? For the man, God’s disapproval is only an abstract concept, one he doesn’t even have to pay any mind to. For the woman, her husband’s disapproval can be a painful, daily reality.

    I feel, personally, that life is too short to spend in such an unhappy situation. Marriage can become an idol in the church, an idol which is more important than the emotional health and safety of the individuals in it. If God allowed divorce even under the law, surely he does not place a heavier burden on us today.

    Please keep yourself safe as you plan and make your exit. I had a friend who had to plan her escape very carefully ahead of time and have the police come to escort her to safety when she left her abusive husband. The last step can be very difficult. You deserve to have a better life, to live in peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Dear Bestsons, my heart’s empathy goes out to you! Today I learned about a newly coined syndrome for a unique form of emotional/verbal abuse suffering that is finally getting attention: Narcissistic (Personality Disorder) Victim Syndrome. It’s kind of like C-PTSD. Education about this is part of the healing…after getting out, getting safe, going no contact and getting help. There is currently so much help and education online for this very thing. As you embark on this empowering journey, I wish you all the love, peace, joy, care, support, healing, wholeness and freedom in the world! with love, Loretta

    Liked by 1 person

  27. This is from a page (link is to a site called “She Knows”) about child abuse, but it may be pertinent to abuse of adults too.

    Or, if like me, the verbal abuse started in youth and went on into adulthood, that can make you susceptible to getting into abusive relationship as an adult/ attracting abusers to you as you get older.

    Yet others definitely seem to cross the line into verbal abuse, which is extremely serious and can cause severe impairments to a child’s development.
    _Research shows that psychological abuse can even do more harm than physical abuse or sexual abuse._


  28. My goodness! I am so very sorry I haven’t responded. I didn’t know my original post had even been posted!! Was reading the blog tonight and started reading and thought “that sounds like me!” Then I realized it was me! Lol!

    I want to thank you all for your encouragement…it means the world to me!

    I’ll give you an update since I posted in January. I went to visit my folks. My parents sat me down and had a long talk. They are very worried that he is going to hurt me. I found out when I was there that my oldest son told them then that if I ever told my husband I was leaving, he and his brother would be with me with their guns loaded. I was astounded. I didn’t know they were that worried. It sure made me “sit up and take notice”.

    While I was down there I went ahead and opened a bank account so that I could start having my small paychecks deposited (I have an ecommerce business).

    After I got back I decided I needed to take some online classes so I could get a job so I can support myself (I don’t think I’ll be walking out of here with any moola from him). I hope to be finished by the middle of the summer (I’m getting a bit old so the ol’ brain doesn’t work as well as it used too!).

    I’m going to start looking for a place to live.

    To say this has been difficult is an understatement. I am very scared but know I need to do this. I have to guard every word that comes out of my mouth. I don’t want him to “catch on”. I do think he suspects something because he has been awful nice to me since I got back from my trip. He gave me a tongue lashing last night and afterwards apologized and told me he knows he hurt me all those years ago and he is trying to be a better husband. (I so want to believe him but I know it will not last.)

    I have told my chiropractor a few things over the last two years. When I saw him last, I told him I was leaving…he told me “[name removed], you will not heal until you have left him” (My doc is a believer).

    Thanks to everyone who recommended the book about Verbal Abuse. I will get it and read it.

    Please continue to keep me in your prayers. The steps I’ve taken so far have been easy compared to the final step I have to take. Actually leaving is the step that has me scared to death.

    [Mod note: I have removed some personal info.]


  29. Good morning Bestsons,
    It sounds to me like you are on your way to independence. I am wondering about the financial aspect of your upcoming separation, however. Here in Canada, partners (common-law or married) are entitled to half of any estate/properties/savings accounts. That includes any pension money accrued by your partner, as well. Is there are lawyer on this thread who could advise? I wish you the best in your journey; you deserve a good life, free from abuse. You also deserve half of any assets. Onward and upward! 🙂


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