Christian Marriage, Domestic Violence, God's Design for the Family, Learn to Discern, Marriage, Single and Christian, Women and the Church

Learn to Discern: Who would you choose to marry, an abusive Christian or a kind and gentle unbeliever?


Learn to Discern:  Is it better for a Christian woman to marry a kind and gentle unbeliever or an abusive Christian?


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Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14



Over at Karen Campbell’s blog, she’s having a series of articles on dating/courtship/marriage and as I was reading the following, I about had a flippy fit.  Quick note:  missionary dating refers to young ladies having unsaved boyfriends and hoping to get them converted before saying “I do.”


In more recent years, I am seeing even more of an acceptance of missionary dating, even among homeschoolers and for any number of reasons. Pastors are hesitant to preach about this from their pulpits and those who have been badly burned within the patriarchy movement, in their zeal to run away from the extremes of betrothal and courtship, have swung the other direction and say “Whatever! We rejoice in our Christian liberty.” Some even go so far to say, as I have heard more than one homeschooling mom exclaim, “Well, I would rather have my daughter marry a kind and gentle unbeliever than an abusive Christian man.” Where is the logic in that statement? And even one very conservative and long suffering Christian widow I once knew declared, “I tried being married to a Christian man the first time and I was miserable. This time I will marry an unbeliever.”  Source

Ok, folks. Have at it.




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121 thoughts on “Learn to Discern: Who would you choose to marry, an abusive Christian or a kind and gentle unbeliever?”

  1. @ Carmen:
    Thanks for pointing out that Good is Good and doesn’t necessarily have to have a ‘Biblical’ seal of approval.


  2. I will give you my view of this, I have lived a celibate lifestyle since becoming a Christian back in the early 80’s, I have always been totally ashamed of that. It would have been better if I had sex with many women, fathered several children, refused to make child payments. I would have had a chance. But as a celibate follower of Jesus, I am either a pervert or I am gay. You cannot win, it is the carrot and the stick and winning is the only end game. I understand all that, I walked away from all that apologetic nonsense many years ago. I did meet two women I fell in love with but I did not want to drag them down because I was caring for family members and for the folks I worked with. It was the right decision, it would have been damaging to these two women and I am glad I did not get married. Of course that is pathetic and I should burn in hell for it. Stand in line.

    You know when I first “accepted” Jesus I bought into the forgiveness. I no longer believe that, there is no forgiveness, there never has been. It is a shell game. I grew tired of waiting for God to drop the hammer on me or my family. He never did, it was an oversight. There was a time I use to actually believe Jesus heard my prayers and I was loved by him, I have repented of such nonsense. I cling to two verses, there is no room at the inn, and I am a dog returning to its vomits. That I got in spades.


  3. Ok, WFTT2, can you tell if I liked your comment? When i clicked it, it now says “Liked by you.” I’m trying to figure this out. On some sites when you click like, your identity is revealed when you hover over the icon.


  4. Brian, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Life can throw enough trauma our way, and if our perception of God is skewed and especially if it’s hideously twisted by “the church”, then religion just gets lugged on top of our already heavy load. I believe religion is often the tipping point into despair. I have traveled a long painful road away from christianity to Christ. I read your words and my heart is pulled to you. You are beyond measure, precious. I know God loves me, Robin Williams, and Brian. If anyone tells you otherwise, acknowledge it for the lie it is.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. you’ll have to direct me to the “wife-spanking” post and what you wrote. as it were, the idea of “wife-spanking” of CDD is so utterly dehumanizing, demoralizing and disgusting- i don’t care what the reason or rational you’re using- that anyone who can be PROVEN to teach it or promote it should be publicly shamed and called out


  6. @ brian,
    I’m sorry. You sound like you’ve gone through a rough time.
    Regarding your comment,

    “[It is assumed that ] I am either a pervert or I am gay [because I’m a celibate]”

    I totally hear you on that. I’ve never had sex. I wanted to wait until I got married to have sex but have never married.

    I expect secular culture to ridicule virginity or to treat celibates like freaks, but that has been happening more and more often in a lot of Christian culture, and it’s even seeped its way into conservative Christian churches or conservative Christian organizations.

    There’s a backlash against virginity and celibacy, even among Christians because a lot of them have grown to disagree with what some have called “purity culture.”

    I do not support all aspects of purity culture and recognize how some of it can be hurtful to some people, but – it’s gone so far that I sometimes see comments by anti-sexual purity proponents who mock and insult virgin adult themselves or the concept of adult virginity / celibacy.

    It’s really hard to get the Christian anti-sexual purity brigade to understand that while their heart may be in the right place, in that they are trying to support people who have had pre-marital sex, that by doing so, they are sometimes shaming or insulting people who have practiced sexual purity (such as you or myself).

    They don’t seem to care that in arguing against sexual purity culture that they are at times bashing the feelings of celibates or virgins.

    And of course, older celibate / never married adults do face stereotypes.

    If you have not married and are celibate into your 30s or older, there are Christians and Non Christians who assume all sorts of things, from, you must be homosexual, to you must lack a sex drive (via a misunderstanding of “the gift of singleness” teaching), you must be a loser who is turning off the opposite sex, etc. etc.

    It is quite tiresome when people assume you are weird or that there must be something wrong with you if you are still single and celibate past the age of 25.


  7. Julie Anne said,

    Admin note: I just saw that WordPress now has “like” buttons on comments. I turned it on. Let me know what you think.

    I’ve already gotten several Likes on some of my posts by people, thank you. I feel like Sally Field accepting her award, “You like me! You really like me!” 😆

    I just clicked like on WFTT2’s post above, and it says, “Liked by you and one other person.” When I put my cursor over the phrase that is a link (one other person), Julie Anne’s name and mine were displayed in a tool tip box thing.


  8. I have figured out some vocabulary today. We were talking about some we know who have self-identified as “Christians” but their behavior (as in repetitive sinning against others) suggests otherwise. We were waiting for someone outside a church, and while watching people come out it struck me that some of these abusive people we ‘ve been talking about could be called “churchgoers” instead. It’s like an intersecting Venn diagram. Some churchgoers are not Christians, some Christians are not churchgoers, some people fall into both categories. Somehow it makes sense in my head.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. @Daisy:

    That’s pretty rich coming from Driscoll. Most photos I see of Driscoll (from the last several years) he looks pudgy, like he could stand to lose a few himself.

    I shall let MST3K speak for me:

    Liked by 2 people

  10. It bothers me to make a judgment call like this…….a man who makes a profession of following Christ then go home and abuses his wife and children has a dubious faith.


  11. I don’t know how I could’ve forgotten this in light of Julie Anne’s blog title, “Learn to Discern.”

    Pat Roberston (former preacher who has his own Christian TV show) said several months ago on one show that a woman who marries a guy who later turns out to be abusive or a serial adulterer (I can’t recall the exact details) “has the discernment of a slug.”

    _Pat Robertson berates woman for ungodly husband: You have ‘the discernment of a slug’_
    (on the ‘Raw Story’ news site, with embedded video of Robertson saying the comments)

    From RS:

    Televangelist Pat Robertson on Monday castigated a woman for marrying a man who later turned out not to be a “born again” Christian.
    In a letter to The 700 Club, a viewer named Patty explained that she had “married a man who presented himself as a born again believer.”
    But she later found out that he was not what he seemed.
    [omit description of husband’s many crimes etc]
    “You must have been crazy or you must have been blinded to get into [that] relationship,” Robertson told the viewer. “He — quote — presented himself [as a born again Christian]. I mean, give me a break. You got about the discernment of a slug.”


  12. If Pat Robertson says such things, does he not reveal himself to be a predator? It is all the more sad that he beats up on somebody who is already suffering the anguish of betrayal.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. @Daisy:

    @ HUG, specifically,

    They have NO interests or personality outside of Church, JEESUS is their REAL boyfriend/husband;

    If it makes you feel any better, that “Jesus is my BF,” or “The Lord is my husband” stuff makes me bristle, and sometimes I find it cheesy or strange.

    It wasn’t until Twilight hit the best-seller list and became a near-cult that I was able to put a one-line description of this. Not “Jesus is my BF” but “Jesus is my EDWARD Cullen — sparkle sparkle sparkle SQUEE!”

    There are a lot of Weird/Flaky WOMEN on those Christian dating sites as well as Weird/Flaky Men. Including those who WANT to be (or present themselves as) what you called “A Pornified Mother Teresa”. People are weird in general, and on those dating sites, the crazies are running the asylum. (My experience in Furry Fandom has shown me how Loud Crazies have this way of hijacking any group by sheer volume.)

    I think if you ran into me on one of those sites, you may have rejected me because I’m an introverted nerd type. With a mouth. Problem with dating sites/dating services is they don’t send you on dates, but on one-shot, all-or-nothing job interviews with your entire future happiness all on the line. (My job stresses me out enough as-is.) What if it takes several meetings/dates to relax and unwind and show what you are?


  14. I went and watched a few of the Twilight movies usually at the cheap show where no body was at. I did go to the opening night for the last one and almost got the boot because I could not stop laughing and the horrible acting, and half dimension characters. I mean it, I think it was one of the funniest movies I have ever seen.


  15. Robertson is a nut, a rich nut but a nut and he knows he is a nut. Take Jack Chick, Jack is a nut to, but he actually believes his tripe, given where he served in the Pacific and mix that in with is world view I am inclined to give him a pass, Robertson is a tool who made bank on the back of a bunch of folks. Not to say that his organization has not done some real good, even he may have done some good, but he still is a tool. I mean I am a tool at times, thank God for a God of grace.


  16. MST3K is one of the funniest shows I have ever seen, they are all on youtube. Search MST3K shorts now those are some really funny takes. I mean I would laugh until horse. The cheating one is really truly hilarious and the Date with the family I almost fell out of my chair.


  17. Headless Unicorn Guy,
    Don’t be so hard on yourself. I married a geek, and there are geek loving women out there. I saw some recent list of celebrities that were successful but not seen as attractive. They were thoughtful, complicated, and had remarkably keen senses of humor, so I found them sexy. My father burst into laughter once day when my husband said that I only like the smart asses.

    If I were single, now that Borders Books has closed, I don’t know where I’d go to find a date. I once had a guy hit on me because I was looking at a new edition of an older book discussing Schrodinger’s Cat. It happened when digging through a copy of “The Emperor’s New Mind” by Penrose, too. And now, we have Amazon.


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