Questions for Dads to Ask Young Men Who are Interested in Their Daughter

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Questions for dads to ask young men who are interested in their daughter

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This was posted on Todd Friel’s Wretched Facebook page and is entitled:

Not Rude Questions for a Young Man by Robert Bowen and Todd Friel

We are not barbarians.  Dads should not threaten a potential suitor with a fire-arm.  At least not a loaded fire-arm.  But that doesn’t mean a Dad shouldn’t put the young man on the hot seat.

Below are some questions that may help you determine if a young man will have access to your daughter.  Your mileage may vary.  Start with #30.

  1. Share your salvation testimony.
  2. What is the Gospel.
  3. Share the most recent Bible verse you have memorized.
  4. Can you recite all 66 books of the Bible in order? Try.
  5. How often do you read your Bible?
  6. When was the last time you read your Bible?
  7. Tell me about your participation in your local church.
  8. Can you recite the Nicene Creed for me?
  9. If you are a virgin, why? If you are not a virgin, tell me what you have learned.
  10. Tell me everything you know about the Protestant Reformation.
  11. What is your approach to protect your sexual purity as well as my child’s?
  12. What Scripture verses guide your interactions with the opposite sex?

Please see the rest of the questions here.

 


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What do you think?  Are these the most important questions to ask? Do you think these questions are appropriate?  Are there any questions they left out?

 

 

photo credit: ARACELOTA via photopin cc

205 comments on “Questions for Dads to Ask Young Men Who are Interested in Their Daughter

  1. @Marsha:

    Studies show that youth who have made such a pledge are no less likely to be sexually active than other teens, they just do things other than intercourse (and that are not a good intro to sex).

    Last week, a guy I know came across a YouTube video of a satirical song called “Loophole” and started asking me about some of the background details in it — like Purity Rings and Purity Balls and “keeping an aspirin between your knees”.

    From his description of the song, I didn’t dare go to it. But it should pop up when you search YouTube on “Loophole Song”; I think it’s by a “Garfunkel and Oates”:

    It’s sung from the POV of a Christian Purity Culture girl; she’s expected to stay Virgin Unto Death (or at least Virgin Unto Wedding Night), not even a kiss, yet all the Christianese Purity Culture boys at her church demand she puts out first. (Woman, Submit! and all that.) If she doesn’t put out, no Christian Purity Culture boy will EVER marry her. (Remember Salvation by Marriage Alone and the resulting insane pressure to marry by 18?)

    So she finds a loophole, the subject of the song. One of Marky-Mark Driscoll’s favorite “holes” actually. Since anal sex keeps the hymen intact, she’s still a VIRGIN(TM), and since anal is never forbidden in so many words in Leviticus….

    My informant told me the song was based on reality. Supporting this claim is an online slang dictionary entry I read years ago: “Christian Side Hug: Non-genital sex done to preserve technical virginity.”

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  2. P.S. Just found an online lyrics sheet for the above song “Loophole”.

    NSFW on steroids.
    Very graphic, and hilarious if you have a CRUDE sense of humor.
    Kind of like something out of South Park — don’t know how much is “Funny because it’s Crude” and how much is “Funny because it’s True”.

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  3. Julie Anne, I was figuring that I would refrain from writing a post-length comment, ya know! :^)

    To the question of how other men and women ought to be involved in courtship, yes, both mother and father ought to be involved, and from my own experience, it’s (a la the friends in Song of Songs) helpful if male and female friends are involved, too. Mrs. Bubba and I both had opposite sex (and same sex) friends and relatives encouraging and guiding us, and it made a huge difference.

    To put it bluntly, young love often tries to make up in ardor for what is lacking in good sense, and while (e.g. Carmen’s comment, others) many do manage to contract good marriages without the guidance of peers and relatives, many more end up in a self-imposed Hell because they followed their lusts/hormones/glands instead of choosing a suitable mate. I worked with a LOT of them in my former job.

    And no, courtship ain’t perfect–there are those who would drive horribly unequal marriage contracts, as some have noted–but all in all, I’d suggest that a key point in courtship (which can occur via dates) is that one at least listens to the guidance of others. It’s in Proverbs, ya know?

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  4. Well, Bubba, speaking of guidance, I’ll take the Kama Sutra over Proverbs any old day!
    And, just so you know, I’ve been married for 37 years. . wink!

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  5. Well, take a look at sections 5, 6, and 7, then, and tell me how it goes over.

    (for the uninitiated, section 5 is basically about adultery, six is about prostitution, and seven is about other occult practices….a spouse that tolerates their spouse’s application of these sections of the Kama Sutra is, shall we say, on the fringe of human sexuality)

    Seems to me that there is more to life than sex, especially sex forbidden by the Scriptures, and that is one of many reasons I prefer Proverbs to the Kama Sutra.

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  6. Carmen, yes, there is more to life than sex, which is part of why our hostess put up a “Spiritual Sounding Board.” Even the friskiest of us must spend the majority of our time doing something else, and sex doesn’t get you to Heaven, as much as it may seem that way at the time. Which, again, is yet another great reason why Proverbs is more relevant than the Kama Sutra.

    And, relevant to the topic, it’s worth noting that the country that gave us the Kama Sutra is also well known for arranged marriages. Like I said, marriages tend to be happier when those contracting the marriages have some outside guidance.

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  7. Well darn it – sex won’t get me to heaven? Since I don’t believe in it, I’m not too concerned. Heaven, that is.

    Here’s the irony to this little conversation, Bubba. I have never read the Kama Sutra. I saw it in someone’s house about 20 years ago, picked it up and leafed through it, then replaced it with a beet-red face. Interesting that the heathen HASN’T read it but the believer knows about specific chapters, eh?

    I don’t know about you, but I don’t think there’s anyone who knows how to create a foolproof ‘happy, happy, joy, joy’ marriage. Ya just take yer chances, Bubba. Some get ’em, some don’t.

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  8. Carmen; I had to look it up. Wikipedia. But that said, it’s good to understand a culture other than your own, especially if someone is going to tell you that they revere culture X. Nice to know a touch of what’s in there, even if the first half is the fast way to get yourself hurt (just like Cosmo’s “372 new positions guaranteed to throw out your back”), and the second half is the quick way to earn a divorce petition.

    Which is, really, what was going on with the link BeenThereDoneThat provided. You cheat on your fiance, you will end up with her disapproval in marriage. Sadly the wrong person died.

    So yes, you cannot choose your results–people sin–but you can to a degree choose your odds, and one key thing in choosing your odds is, per Proverbs 15:22 and elsewhere, getting other advisors.

    So let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater–your kids’ success in finding mates is partially the result of your parenting, no? We can quail at some of these questions without discarding the general principle.

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  9. Bubba, I still think there’s a fundamental difference in our opinions. It sounds to me like you agree parents should be involved in ‘courtship’. That word would never have been discussed in our home – our children were brought up to have a healthy regard for relationships, which included sensible sex education. (Which they rec’d in public school and more ‘talks’ from us, as parents).

    This whole ‘courtship’ thing, I feel, removes autonomy from young adults – and puts parents in control. I am opposed to this completely. As I said earlier, our emphasis in our kids’ upbringing was teaching them the skills they needed to choose wisely in all areas of life and they were encouraged to do just that. The goal, as I have stated before on other topics, is for young adults to be able to think for themselves – even if they make a few mistakes. After all, that’s how we all learn. Note that I call them MISTAKES, not sins. Much too strong a word and too much baggage attached to that word.

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  10. Carmen, there definitely is a disagreement between us when you say mistakes and not sins, but not as much about courtship. Legally and Biblically, not a whole lot I can do about it if one of my children decides to run off with ….whatever.

    But I do want to guide them and warn them. Sensible sex ed–sure–let ’em know that most single people have an STD, and condoms don’t stop them except for HIV. Let them know that certain superficially attractive people are going nowhere in life, etc.. Remind them that there are some big differences in worldview between them.

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  11. Not sure where you get the idea that most single people have an STD. My daughter is a licensed Midwife and I’ve never heard that! Plus, I have taught PDR (Physical Development and Relationships) before and certainly have never run across that little gem. We obviously don’t read the same publications. . got a link for that?

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  12. Much to my astonishment, he is right if you include the human papilloma virus. According to the CDC in 2013, 110 million people in the US have an STI and 79 million of those have HPV.

    I am old. I remember when they were called venereal diseases.

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  13. Brenda, here in Canada we’ve referred to them as STI’s for quite some time. I have never heard that statement before – that most single people have one. The only stats I could find (for Canada) suggest that the percentage of people contracting them has risen since the late 90’s. All the more reason to inform young people about protection.

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  14. “My daughter is a licensed Midwife and I’ve never heard that!”

    Not to change the subject, but . . .
    carmen, that’s interesting. How does that work in Canada? In Texas we have Certified Nurse Midwives and Certified Professional Midwives. The CPMs must past state exams to be licensed to practice midwifery here, but have no nursing degree. We had all of our kids with CPMs. Loved them.

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  15. “I am old. I remember when they were called venereal diseases.”

    I guess I’m old, too, then. VD it was, back in the day. lol

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  16. BTDT – she took a four-year course at University, which included a two and a half year practicum (specific focuses at several different healthcare facilities); she does not have a nursing degree. Actually, she is not practicing right now as she’s raising a family, but she’s active in the Midwifery Association and is on the local Health Board.

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  17. I’d be more inclined to say that you have a soft spot in your heart PERIOD, BTDT. 🙂 Hope all’s well with you and your awesome family!

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  18. Carmen,

    Abstinance is the only real prevention. I read AARP from time to time. It seems the elderly are spreading around diseases at a much higher rate these days as well. So watch out for the old guy in the nursing home.

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  19. Brenda, “abstinence is the only prevention”. EXCEPT it doesn’t work. Read the stats, Brenda. Sensible, current, information about human sexuality is a much better tool.

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  20. Carmen, I agree the “Sensible, current, information about human sexuality” should be made available, but abstinence should not be avoided in the conversation. The only sex education I had, besides for what my step father showed me, was the 5th grade film for girls and had no idea what they were talking about. That subject just didn’t get talked about in the house I grew up in. I was much more proactive with my kids, but let them know that abstinenece was the best choice.

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  21. Brenda, I have taught PDR at both the Gr. 7 & 9 levels. You know why we don’t teach abstinence? Because there might be a kid in the class who has been sexually abused. Imagine being that student, sitting there with their horrible secret, and then being told (by another person in a power position) that you shouldn’t do that – that’s it’s wrong. How do you think that child feels? I can only imagine.

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  22. Carmen, I was the kid who was being sexually abused. I still believe abstinence should be taught. With that abused child in mind, the topics of rape and incest being a shame on the abuser and not the one abused could happen before hand. Offering assistance to those that has happened to would be a good thing. It was a horrible secret and wish that someone would have given me that opportunity for someone to say I can help you.

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  23. Brenda, I am so sorry that happened to you. It was NOT your fault. Be assured that there are many, many supports in public school for students in this situation. The thing is, much of this happens behind the scenes, to keep students from being identified and ostracized. Teachers and guidance counsellors do not talk about these things – they are valuable supporters, though, and have tough jobs – they’re our unsung heroes. Their goal is always to empower the student and make sure they are connected to the proper channels of assistance. Again, Brenda, I wish your experience had not happened. I cannot write on this blog about what I’d like to do to people who take advantage of kids – our moderator would not like to see tht kind of language in print. (although she’d probably agree with my suggestions)

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  24. carmen, you are always free to e-mail me the unedited version of what you’d like to do to people who take advantage of kids. Who knows, you might get an equally colorful response from me. Yes, it gets to me, too!

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  25. I feel the bile rising in my throat.

    Hugs to you, Brenda. I’m so, so sorry someone violated and disrespected you like that.

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  26. Carmen, It was a long time ago. I am a strong advocate against all forms of abuse and pedophilia. I really feel like God uses our experiences so that he can use us later on. It took me a long time to get that, but now it is becoming my new reality. I sent JA my version of what I would do to child molesters. I did put it on another blog before, but it didn’t make it through moderation.

    BTDT, I appreciate any and all hugs. Thank you and I will be giving you one right back. (((((HUGS)))))

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  27. Carmen, regarding about most sexually active single people having an STI, it’s just math. CDC estimates 110 million or so adults are in this category. Half of adults are married, 70% of those faithful to their spouse, that’s the first eighty million. You take some people who are single but celibate–say 20 million–and that leaves about thirty million promiscuous married people and ~100 million sexually active singles in the risk pool.

    In other words, something like 11/13 of sexually promiscuous people have had, or have, an STI. It’s like playing roulette with five of six chambers loaded, really, and the CDC has started telling youth that STIs are more or less something to be expected.

    And why wouldn’t a midwife know this? Well, I’d guess that she’d predominantly be dealing with people whose partners are a bit more dependable, no? It’s an eminently excusable thing not to know, especially since most of our government agencies are telling us that those rubber things will keep us safe from everything.

    Brenda, my condolences, and….I remember from way back when I was dating a law student, and the subject came up, and she noted that if the memory of the abuse of a child is repressed, the statute of limitations often starts when the memory is recovered, not at the commission of the crime. So if this is your case, you might chat up a lawyer and maybe get some justice in the matter.

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  28. “And why wouldn’t a midwife know this?”

    Perhaps because this midwife practices in Canada, and you are quoting CDC statistics from the U.S.?

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  29. Brenda, I am with you. I think abstinence AND demystifying sex with education is the appropriate way to approach it. With a big healthy dose of a girls value and those who devalue her are evil.

    “Brenda, I have taught PDR at both the Gr. 7 & 9 levels. You know why we don’t teach abstinence? Because there might be a kid in the class who has been sexually abused. Imagine being that student, sitting there with their horrible secret, and then being told (by another person in a power position) that you shouldn’t do that – that’s it’s wrong. How do you think that child feels? I can only imagine.”

    I think that is all the more reason to teach it. In fact, I think this must be mentioned when teaching sex ed. If someone has improperly touched you they are evil and have devalued you because YOU are valuable. And the law sees them as criminals. and that evil person needs to be punished for doing that to you because you are so valuable. Even if it is dad or granddad. You have to tell someone because it is criminal and you are valuable. (Of course age appropriate discussion, of course).

    I cannot emphasize the “value” enough. Seriously. I think that part is sorely missing when teaching sex ed.

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  30. I fully endorse some versions of abstinence education–starting with those CDC statistics I mentioned. That said, I remember learning while setting up a molestation prevention program at a church I used to attend that something like 25% of girls and something like 16% of boys are molested, generally but not always by a male. Now the specific crime and the young person’s response to it varies, of course–it’s everything from an inappropriate touch or display to forcible rape, and responses are everything from “that was weird” to suicide. I personally had a babysitter–who was being molested in a fairly significant way at the time–drop his trousers and give my brother and I an impromptu “sex ed” lesson. I wasn’t even touched, but suffice it to say we got a new babysitter, and the local elementary school lost a couple of teachers.

    So definitely let kids know that if they’ve been molested, that it’s not reflective of them, because they are off limits. I was in the less victimized, “that was weird” group, thankfully, but not everybody is there.

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  31. Bike Bubba,
    I have to say, the “that was weird” group is still nothing to desire.
    I’m sorry you experienced that.

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  32. Nothing to desire, yes, but the good side is that when I realized (at about age 32) what had happened, it motivated me to take action at my church, and my motivation didn’t really scar me for life. Sure beats the….tar…out of the emotional, physical, and medical trauma of rape, or for that matter the molestation my babysitter endured.

    Enjoyed the comment about another possible difference for the midwife is that she’s in Canada, BTW. Hopefully it is true that our neighbors to the north have not made life’s most delightful physical act into as much an opportunity for infection as we have in our country.

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  33. Carmen,
    With Julie Anne’s permission I will tell you what I would do to a child abuser.

    I would hang them by their testicles with a rusty hook. Whatever happens to them from there, I truly do not care.

    Bubba,
    Thank you so much for your concern, but the stepfather died about 4 years ago. I am reasonably certain that justice is being served. I never forgot what happened to me. I was trained very well, not to speak.

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  34. Geez Brenda, I have a much more vivid imagination than you! I think we’re on the same page, though. I’m glad you triumphed – it says a lot about your (fine) character. I can tell you are a woman of integrity. xx

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  35. Lydia, I agree with you. I doubt that a persons value is ever brought into the discussion in sex ed and incest and rape are debilitating. Once your value has been diminished, you don’t believe you deserve any better. There is so much more that kids should be taught than how pregnancy occurs, how not to get pregnant or prevention of STI/STD or plain old fashion venereal diseases. Sex is a beautiful gift and should be treated as such.

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  36. Bubba,
    I’m thankful that you were only in the “that was weird” group. I would be even more thankful if that group didn’t exist along with the others.

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  37. “the good side is that when I realized (at about age 32) what had happened, it motivated me to take action at my church”

    I am so grateful that you did that. Too many churches don’t realize the necessity of protecting their children. Some want to pretend the issue doesn’t exist. So, thank you.

    On the courtship issue, my engagement and marriage more closely resembled a betrothal model. While I got a wonderful man (he loves me, loves our kids, and works hard to take care of us), I think I just lucked out. I would never recommend it. But then, I’ve just had some bad experiences all around that have affected everything.

    My husband was homeschooled to about a sixth grade level. His parent’s minister decided that after Saxon 76 that he needed no more math. He had no knowledge of finances, and we are working our way through a mountain of debt. I can’t even begin to tell you . . . I wish I had known more about him. I certainly wish I’d known more about his family (that would have been a deal breaker). But, we never even dated. We grew fond of each other while working together in the church offices. From that point on, the ministers had to approve everything. I didn’t even know we’d be getting married until the evening he proposed to me.

    It sounds pretty weird typing it out. But, maybe this explains a little why I feel the way I do.

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  38. BTDT – I can’t imagine that anyone reading your story would not be moved. You are a wonderful person, and that fact is revealed with every story you share. Perhaps you can see why I am so adamant about young people being brought up who can think for themselves, make decisions with skills that have been developed over the years, and are allowed personal autonomy. Education is the key and although it’s wonderful to have many influences, I believe young people need to be allowed to develop their own ideas which may be independent of their parents. I think you get what I am trying to say. Give them wings! Let them be individuals!

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  39. “I am so adamant about young people being brought up who can think for themselves, make decisions with skills that have been developed over the years, and are allowed personal autonomy.”

    I agree. I also think there’s an element of personal responsibility involved. I mean, you cannot simply do what you’re told AND take responsibility for it at the same time. This was an issue that started bothering me several years before we parted ways with our church. If something went wrong it was never their fault, even if it was a result of their direction. I’d much rather take responsibility for my own decisions– good and bad.

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  40. “Lydia, I agree with you. I doubt that a persons value is ever brought into the discussion in sex ed and incest and rape are debilitating. Once your value has been diminished, you don’t believe you deserve any better”

    For some reason this has become a big deal to me. I think it is because of my time as a board member for a spouse abuse/rape crisis center. I had NO idea at the time I took that on how widespread this evil really is. So many women feeling “devalued” so we have to rethink that as a society. And we have made some good strides in that area but not so much in church circles.

    We have to find ways to communicate that “an evil criminal” tried to devalue them and devalued themselves in the process. We have to get away from the “purity” culture of you must be a virgin to have worth. (Our society has a hard time admitting someone is “evil” who does evil things. The church is the worst at it)

    Here is why. Do you know what happens to many teen girls who are raped? They become promiscuous. Seems strange, does it not? That they would actually seek out what was done to them in violence? But in reality, without certain supports in place they see themselves as having no value at all so they sex as a way to get something….whether it be attention, validation or whatever. They decide to “use” it. They see themselves as “damaged goods” so why not?

    This really changed my thinking about all the purity culture stuff. We must start with value and call feel free to call the criminal: Evil

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  41. Do you know what happens to many teen girls who are raped? They become promiscuous. Seems strange, does it not?

    Lydia, This doesn’t seem strange to me at all. It could be for attention or validation, but also think in their now warped minds they are looking for love and have no understanding of what that really looks like. There was a time when I thought this happened in everyone’s family. I got married very young and took everything he dished out because “he loved me” and that was what love was.

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  42. I appreciated BTDT’s comment about her husband never advancing past arithmetic and then getting into huge spending and debt problems. Being an avid reader of old literature and history, I remember it striking me how many people who knew their “Trivium” (grammar, dialectic/logic, rhetoric) suffered because they did not know the other four liberal arts, the “Quadrivium” (four roads) of arithmetic, geometry, astronomy, and music. This includes about half the Founding Fathers, especially those from south of the Mason-Dixon line. The pressure to keep up appearances without the ability to create a budget is deadly.

    Hence, for suitors of my daughters, a bit more questions (see WAY above) about career to figure out how he thinks.

    And regarding the (very sad) discussion of promiscuity and rape (and other things), agreed that those who have been violated do seem to be more likely to fall into sexual sin. And agreed that if the best that “purity culture” can come up with is that “you’re virgin or you’re dirt”, it’s not surprising.

    And I’ll agree that at times, the idea that this is the best “purity culture” can come up with does seem tenable. I remember hearing one gentleman speak rapturously of the breaking of the hymen by a virgin groom at Promise Keepers in 1995–LA Coliseum–and wonder to this day whether the man knew he was in LA, and that his scenario was far less likely than for a man to be dealing with the effects of his fornication.

    Hope I’m wrong, but I remember.

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