Sexual Abuse/Assault and Churches, Stories of Hope, SURVIVOR STORIES, Wives or (ex) of Pedophiles

Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

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Letter from the wife of a pedophile explaining why she stayed and how she finally got out. Encouragement for other wives of child molesters.

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Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

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Some of you may have read the following comment from last night, but it just will not leave my mind.  A courageous woman, Anon 3,  who was married to a pedophile reached out to address the wives of pedophiles involved in the Sovereign Grace Ministries lawsuit.  Her words were beautiful and gave hope.  In a later comment, she said that this was the very first time she had disclosed it publicly and felt that maybe God was prompting her to do so.   I, too, feel compelled to make Anon 3’s comment into a post in order to reach a wider audience via internet searches and so it will not be merely buried in the comments area.

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To those who have stopped by via an internet search on this topic, welcome.  You may be in a very difficult place.  No one knows the path each individual takes.  Some agonize for months and even years on whether to stay or whether to go.  On this blog, we talk a lot about spiritual abuse, but haven’t delved into the topic of what it is like to be married to a pedophile.  I happen to know a wife who is married to a pedophile and has remained married to him.  Although she would say things are fine, when I look at their marriage, I do not see that.  I see pain and emotional distance.  There is no intimacy, but two people living two separate lives.  She never got the courage to leave and it has taken its toll on the entire family, including extended family.  But she believes that she has made the right decision.

No one can make that decision for anyone else.  It comes with a cost.  That might be why Anon 3’s comment struck me profoundly.  This brave woman chose a difficult path of leaving the familiar behind and venturing out on her own with her children.  Her words speak for themselves.  If you are the wife of a pedophile, know that as I type these words, my prayers are with you  – – that you will be able to make the best decision for you and your family and that you will also continue to surround yourself with safe and loving support from friends/family who care.  You should not have to be alone in this process whether you decide to stay or leave.  ~Julie Anne

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A Letter from the Wife of a Child Molester

I actually do feel compassion for the perpetrator’s families. And I have a message for the wives:

I want you to know how sorry I am about your situation – both for you and your children.

You are not the only Christian woman who married a pedophile. I did too. I left him more than a decade ago because I knew that someday I would end up on headline news, just as you have. I am so sorry for the embarrassment and humiliation you’ve suffered.

Each of us makes our own decision. I stayed a long time with my husband too. I’m probably about your age. I hoped that my love would fill that empty place in his heart. It didn’t. I had fasted and prayed during my entire marriage. We tried years of counseling and even an in-patient treatment center. My husband got a masters in marriage and family therapy from a Christian university. It didn’t help.

One day, I found out about a new incident, and I realized I had to get out for the sake of my children and everyone around us.

I felt the Lord saying, “You are like a bird in a cage. But see? I have opened the door. You may fly out or stay in. But that door won’t open again.”

I flew out. And I am so happy I did. I asked my husband to leave – exhibiting a strength and toughness I never knew I had. I got him out of my home, out of my church, out of my neighborhood, and out of my town. I did not hate him; but I knew he was a walking disaster area.

Yes, the first couple of years were hard financially, but God was faithful. My children suffered at first, but they have turned out as lovely whole people. They are winners in every sense: personally, academically, and spiritually. They don’t have the level of damage in their lives that their father does. They love him but see his limits. I told them the truth when they turned 21. (They hadn’t been victims themselves and hadn’t known.)

I want to give you hope that if you want to fly out the open door, that life is wonderful out here. Yes, you will hurt a lot for a year, maybe two. But the joy of living without the burden of a pedophile in your life is incredible.

• I thought God could never use me again. But he has.
• I thought I would never be in ministry again. But I am — even more than before.
• I thought people at church would condemn me. But they didn’t. They surrounded me with love.
• I thought I would never be financially solid again. But I am. In fact I have 10 times the assets I did when I was married, and my retirement is nearly fully funded.
• I thought I was disqualified for God’s best. But I know now I am a daughter of the Lord, and am blessed.
• I thought my children would be damaged and hopelessly dysfunctional. They aren’t. They tell me that they feel the same as everyone else. In fact, they look at their friends’ mothers and see a lot more dysfunction there.
• I thought I would never have any honor. I’ve been put on many corporate and non-profit boards and served in far more leadership positions in church than I did when I was married.
• My children are proud of me for what I did.

I hope this has given you hope.

Whatever you decide, the choice is truly yours. I am thrilled I was set free. My life is incredibly happy. There are much worse things in this world than divorce.

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Update 7/27/13:  Even though this blog post is not current, the comments are being followed by others whose lives have been affected by pedophilia.  Feel free to reach out in the comment section (using a pseudonym is perfectly fine).  I keep all e-mail addresses strictly confidential.  

If you are struggling with the fact that your spouse/family member or close acquaintance is a pedophile and need help, please let me know.  I will try to find help/resources for you.  I have been in touch with others  behind the scenes gathering resources on this subject.  

You must know that you are not alone.  There are many wives/families who have walked your journey and would love to reach out to you.  ~Julie Anne

550 thoughts on “Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles”

  1. Mary,

    You’re not alone. We tallied up the number of wives of pedophiles who have commented on this blog post over the past 4 years and came up with 50 women. We stand together with you.

    Our job is to protect our children, our neighbor children, and children in our community. Our responsibility is to tell the authorities and get our loved ones to safety.

    -Anon3

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  2. My spouse is currently in prison for “knowingly possessing child pornography” for the 2nd time. He swears its not a sexual thing and that hed never hurt a child, and that the images he sees are his own childhood trauma but i cant understand it and im besides myself and need help/answers. I feel so hopeless and alone, i have tried to stop loving him because i thought if i didn’t id be looked at as a monster as well but i cant turn off my feelings for him. I just dont know what to do or where to turn…

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  3. Dear Izzy,

    My ex used to deny there was anything sexual in his forays into child pornography as well. He used excuses such as “I’m just curious,” or “I’m a bohemian at heart.” Of course his “curiosity” was never satisfied but demanded more and more time looking at, cataloging and searching for more images. Lots of people experience childhood trauma and never resort to jacking off to the images of sexualized children!

    This is one of the toughest things an individual can experience. Of course you love him–if he were all bad it would be easy to walk away. This is the charm and evil of the perpetrator. They gather props that substantiate their claim to be a harmless, normal man and their wife is their number one prop. After all, married men are not interested in children for sex, right?

    You begin the healing journey by forcing yourself to face the truth about your husband. He is in prison for the second time–he is a criminal. The State deems him a danger to society and he is certainly a danger to you. Is this easy? No! It is brutal but we must get the information to our heart–these men are not who or what they claim to be. You are not alone. You did not cause this, you cannot control nor cure it. If you would like to join our private forum for additional support, let Julie Anne know and she will send you the invitation.

    I am so sorry that you are in this “Club” that no one ever voluntarily joins. I am so sorry for this horrendous betrayal in your life.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  4. THOT,

    California is the most generous welfare state in the U.S. It gives more resources than the next 10 states combined (and that includes New York).

    I strongly recommend people anonymously call their local shelter (if their children are under 12) or Family Promise (if children over 12 http://familypromise.org/) for help.

    -Anon3

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  5. My child was molested by my husband when she was 6. We just had a baby when he did this. I was devastated. He went to prison. Got 25yrs mandatory of a 40yr sentence. I forgave him with God’s help however I won’t be involved with him again. Over the years I would send him money not much. And I just been sharing the word of God. He has the opportunity to get out in 2 years and wants me to recommend his release. I read there no cure and don’t know what to do. I believe he served his time but I feel is he safe to be out.? Can u give me advice. I’m not in love with him anymore and I feel he could just b trying to manipulate me. It’s hard to believe him and his word. Please help. I don’t want to feel responsible for his life. Only God knows his heart. Thank you

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  6. Please don’t recommend his release Sara. He didn’t think about what was best for your daughter when he abused her. If he truly was remorseful he wouldn’t put you in that position either. To expect that of you is highly suspicious to me. If he were really sorry and took full responsibility for what he has done.he would not ask such a thing. You need to think about your daughter and about you..

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  7. I would like to get information of counseling about my suspicions about my husband being a pedophile I live in Anaheim, California

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  8. Olga, I’m very sorry to hear that you are suspecting your husband may be a pedophile. That must be very difficult for you. 😦

    I want to make sure I understand you correctly. Are you wanting to find a counselor in your area to help you discuss this issue, or would you like to connect with Brenda or Anon3 by e-mail or phone?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ex has been sentenced. So many thanks to everyone here-all so very brave and you have all helped me so much. I am becoming free of the awful conflict and can see the truth. Onwards and upwards for my kids and me. Things are clearer for me and I feel really positive about the future.

    Love Jen

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  10. Oh, Jen, I am so thrilled for you! Thank you so much for letting us know. Yea! Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. You posting this will be such an encouragement to others. 💕👏

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  11. About 3 weeks ago I found out my boyfriend whom I have 2 daughters with molested two of his nieces. He comes from a large family of 7 children and he is the youngest, his older siblings had children at very young ages. He recently just also admitted to being molested as a child at the age of 6 by a male first cousin of his on several occasions. He never spoke up about it and just kept it suppressed.

    He molested one of his nieces when he was 9 year old and she was about 4 years old. This was an isolated incident and from what his niece explains and remembers he made her touch his private area. This niece is 23 year old now and has not had any other incident with him. He says he did this as an act of cause and effect because it was done to him, but it obviously does not make it okay.

    The incident with the second niece is a lot more delicate as he molested her when she was around 15 or 16 years old and he was 25 at the time, right now she is 20 years old and is at an out of state college. She however just had a recent mental breakdown because of this so she finally confessed to her parents and a psychologist at her school. It appears they had 2 encounters in which there was kissing and touching on both ends, but since she was under age at the time of both occasions it is still considered molesting right? I also wanted to say that I do see her as a victim because he initiated the moves, although she did not say no or protest, I do not believe she was asking for this to happen to her, no one asks to be put in these type of situations. This all happened a year before him and I met and he swears there was never any other situation like this again. I’ve asked him several times if he is aroused by teens or children or his own family and he says no that he committed his mistakes out of desperation because he was lonely. But there are so many different outlets or ways in which he can release sexual frustration I just can’t understand why he saw his niece in that way knowing she was also underage.

    I feel this sympathy for him as he is a man I loved dearly and share two beautiful kids with but I am so confused about what to feel, one moment I feel rage and disgust, I feel so angry. However, I also feel like I wanna help him get better and I feel this guilt of leaving him behind, I understand we are not married, but I guess love can be blinding sometimes.

    I have a lot of doubts and confusion as I also think about my daughters (ages 2 and 11 months) and what it could mean if I stay with him…will they run a risk once they are grown into young women? will he see them in a different light? if I leave now will the girls suffer from not having their father in their lives? I just feel so many different emotions and do not know what is right anymore.

    I would also like to note that I have never caught him looking at any child pornography or having anything with children on his phone or computer. But I still can’t justify what he did to his two nieces I try and do not understand why?

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  12. DC9
    I am so sorry you are in this situation. These wonderful strong women will surely have amazing advice and answers for you. I am literally in the same boat as you. My husband molested his niece and though she was underage she initiated, too. I believe it was a one time event, but of course now I question every day we were together and every thing we did,/had. He was older.. He knew better… Why did he do this to her and us? I stayed with him for two years after finding out because I thought I could control him and the situation. But then one day I realized I was tired. And he had to leave. Too many people have told me it’s never a one time thing and I refuse to live with his mistake.. For myself and my children’s sake.

    I haven’t given you any wise words or answers, but know you are not alone. I would gladly give you my direct contact information if you’d like it, but I’m not sure how. Perhaps one of the women here can help with that. Be at peace with any decision you make because you will never understand why he did what he did. There is no justification.
    Hugs, Conflicted

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  13. Dear DC9,

    First of all, I am so sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. It is real and it is scary and so very excruciating. You are right to be concerned about your daughters. We know that addicts minimize their behavior and justify it as well. The only real wisdom I have for you is to find a good Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) for both of you. I think your situation deserves strong and competent professional evaluation and help. You can find a CSAT in your area at: https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

    And please take care of yourself. S-Anon is also a resource of hope, strength and care for partners.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  14. Conflicted,

    I’ve read your story and I feel like I can relate to all your emotions and sentiment towards your husband. I genuinely feel this guilt of wanting my boyfriend to be around and still a part of my life because he was a great father and partner before this came to light. I understand these incidents happened before I even knew him but I also cant help but feel all these doubts or have fears if he will ever have temptations again.

    Similar to your husband, my boyfriend has admitted to his mistakes and is willing to take full responsibility and is showing so much remorse but it is difficult for me to trust him. I feel betrayed because he hid this from me and did not tell me it was a part of his past. His entire family feels betrayed also.

    At the moment it seems like neither girl wants to press charges against him, but police were obviously alerted through one of the nieces school psychologist. He says he wants to win us back and not lose me and my heart breaks because I do not know what to do. I hate him and have disgust but I also seem to have a hard time letting go because clearly I love this person.

    I would like to exchange information because I would like to talk more to you, but like you said not sure how to do that?

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  15. Brenda,

    Thank you I am looking into therapy for myself as he is. I will check out the link you sent me, I definitely do feel like we need professional help.

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  16. Goliath, I saw your comment, but have decided not to post it publicly because you seem concerned about being discovered. I’d like to ask Brenda or Anon3 to contact you directly to respond to your specific concerns.Are you okay with that? If so, should we use the email address that you used when commenting? I want to make sure that the email does not get in the wrong hands.

    Please go ahead and post again. I will see the comment (and it won’t be posted publicly). Thank you!

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  17. Hello, I need help. I have just discovered my husband has been molesting my little sister for two years, since she was 12. My world is shattered. The almost perfect life I had, is gone. I dont know where to start and this is extremely fresh.

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  18. Oh, Ashley, I’m so sorry to hear this. Please send me an e-mail: spiritualsb@gmail.com so I can connect you with our private forum. There you will be able to read stories of others who have gone through similar circumstances. It’s good to have that kind of support. I hope to hear from you soon!

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  19. I would like to speak with women who are/were married to non-molesting pedophiles. I am struggling right now with this problem, it’s been 7 years together, hoping my love and hope would be enough. It’s not. He has looked at websites, saved photos from sites, printed photos from sites, and basicially watches/checks out young girls, mostly ranging from 8 or 9 yrs through high school. He also oogles legal women as well.

    I’ve been reading on the subject, and while there are therapies and medications to help deal with this problem and ugres, there is not real cure for it. I’m very devestated, and I’ve fought a battle I can not win. I’ve told him I am done with him, but I’m sure he doesn’t believe me. I told him I want him to go, but he isn’t going.

    It seems every story I read, or every site I encounter is wives whose husbands have actually physically harmed a child. Mine has not, but by his actions and urges, he is still considered a pedophile. I’m at the end of my rope as a wife and mother. (Julie Anne, I tried to email you myself privately, but I’m not even sure your mail is current, or if it went through.)

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  20. Dear Anony-mous Wife,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s so difficult. The man you loved with your whole heart is a pedophile and cannot break free from it. We always think our love could heal his wounds, but it doesn’t always work that way.

    The first thing you must do is protect yourself legally. You have child porn in your house and you have viewed it. Do not delete it. Do not email or print it. Merely the possession of child porn is a crime. Knowing about it, seeing it, and not reporting it is a crime too.

    Go immediately to this website and report it: National Center for Missing and Exploited Children CyberTipline: http://www.missingkids.org/cybertipline

    You will find other wives (and ex-wives) of child porn offenders on this comment thread. “Brenda” is one of them. She has dozens of comments on this topic. Just keep scrolling up. Or contact her through her blog.

    –Anon3

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  21. Anon3,
    Unfortunately, I did delete files. The computer I found it on, belonged to him prior to us being together. When I saw the photos, and confronted him, he claimed they must have been his former roommate’s. I believed, and deleted. This was in 2010. He also printed photos while at his old job, a few years ago, and I’m sure those have been destroyed. Those printed photos are what prompted an intervention, but I don’t recall what happened to them.

    The computer mentioned above hasn’t been used in about 3 or 4 years, but I still have it. I was wondering if deleted files can be recovered?This may be my only proof.

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  22. I also struggle with the fact that I eventually knew, and didn’t leave. I thought if he wasn’t alone anymore, if he had love, it would change things. Instead I’ve been fighting and hoping for an outcome that would never happen. So am I just as bad, because I stayed? Am I just as bad because I eventually married him, again falsely believing that maybe it would change him? Am I just as bad, because I deleted things I thought weren’t his, because I didn’t want my child to see them on a computer accidentally? Am I just as bad because I listened to the “at least I don’t beat you” comments (because I was in a physically abusive relationship a long time ago). Am I bad for reaching out to people close to him, in hopes they could help him, but remaining where I was?

    Do I take the computer into a local PD and tell them I believe there are deleted files on there that could implicate pedophilia? Can they recover them? If not, there’s my only proof, gone.

    He even went to a therapist for about a month or so, after the intervention, then declared himself fine. He said the conclusion was that he didn’t get laid in high school, so it generated this interest. Later I thought about it, and it didn’t make sense, because his interests in photos weren’t only high school age. There were younger, elementary and middle school age as well. I’m thinking maybe he wasn’t completely forthcoming with the therapist about the situation. I don’t know, because I wasn’t invited to go. Unfortunately the people who know about this stuff are HIS people, a couple of close friends, siblings and their spouses. So I’m sure none would speak in my behalf in a courtroom or anything. It’s just me against him. I’ve heard several times over the years that we “need to find someone to talk to and fix this”. But there’s no fixing anything. It can’t be fixed. There’s no cure. I wonder what these friends and family members would tell their own daughters, if they were in a relationship like this? Would they tell them to “fix it”, or would they encourage them to leave it? Is it different because he is their friend/relative, and therefore I’m just supposed to deal on my own? Is he MY problem, not theirs? My heart hurts in so many ways. I feel like my entire self has been crushed and defeated. I am so alone.

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  23. Anony-mouse, yes the rules can be recovered, but you are going to have to get a trained cyber forensics specialist to do it. They have special procedures they must follow and also must document the process. This can’t just be anyone who knows computers. It must be someone who understands the proper process of gathering evidence. It must be treated as a crime scene and use all of the proper procedures so the evidence is not spoiled. (Cyber Security is my field of study.)

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  24. Julie Anne,
    Who would I go to with this computer? The local PD, something higher up? I hope there’s evidence on there, so I don’t look like a liar. I can’t remember exactly what I saw, but I strongly believe there were nudes. There were SO many photos he saved of young girls of varying ages and stages of dress. For example, there were girls in dance recital costumes, at first I thought they were friends’ pics he saved, no biggie.. but then there were other files and more photos. I can remember my heart sinking, and that makes me think there had to be nude photos there.

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  25. I recently dealt with a similar case. In this case, the guy is already in prison (was convicted). The ex-wife was trying to get time added to his sentence.

    The police need compelling evidence and would have to get a judge to authorize the search of the computer. Whose computer is it? Is it his or both of yours? Do you live in a joint property state? What is your marital status now? Are you still together?

    What you might do is contact PD and ask what they recommend. In the case I referred to above, the PD didn’t want to do anything. She could hire a credentialed forensics expert (because we live in a joint property state) to do a forensics analysis of the computer and the appropriate documentation, as I mentioned earlier. That would cost some money. You want someone who knows the legal process and how to do it in such way as to not tamper with the evidence. Do not let anyone touch the computer. Think of it as a crime scene with yellow tape around it!

    I am going to send you an invite to the private forum where you can connect with others. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. It must feel like a nightmare! Keep talking. We want to support you!

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  26. The computer is his. It was his prior to us dating and marrying. He is the administrator on the computer, and if anything can be recovered, things will have been on there prior to us being together, if dates can be seen. I have moved the computer to another location, so he doesn’t do anything with it.

    We were living together/dating when I found out, tried working it out, thought love and hope could make it better/change things. We are now married, and have been for a few years. Still together, still living together. I haven’t seen any sites or photos in a while, so either he’s not doing it, or he’s being careful. He also has a smart phone, which I don’t have access to, plus he did a factory reset a few weeks ago. I’m pretty sure we’re a joint property state, if you can email me, I will tell you which state I am in.

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  27. I live in a joint property state and the police told the woman I know that they wouldn’t be searching his computer, even though he was convicted of sex abuse crimes against minors.

    For you, I think the first thing I’d do is notify the police. This is not only to establish a record of what you believe is going on, but it also protects you from being charged with having child porn. Report it and then go from there. Please keep me posted. (Check your e-mail about joining the group forum. It’s a more private area and others will also be able to support you.)

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  28. Anony-mous and Julie Anne,

    Pedophiles attract and groom women who are sweet, naive, and compliant. They are experts at minimizing, excusing, and lying about their behavior. So no, you aren’t guilty, you were trusting, and your trust was betrayed.

    I agree with Julie Anne that you need to go to the authorities. The authorities want to see if you’re the type of wife who sides with your spouse, or wants to protect children.

    We all watched the Penn State-Sandusky story and saw Dottie Sandusky stand by her man despite overwhelming evidence that eventually led to his conviction in 2012. You don’t want to be that kind of wife. It’s time to show that you are a good citizen and wish to protect children, even at the cost of your marriage.

    In my case, once the authorities knew I wasn’t a “Dottie,” and knew I would NOT cover up for my husband, they were supportive of me and never accused me of wrong doing. I don’t think you need to be worried about going to the police.

    However, if you are still concerned, you can make an anonymous phone call to the police (not from your own phone) and talk to the desk sergeant about how your situation would be handled and what steps you’d go through.

    -Anon3

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  29. Anon-3,
    Do you recommend calling from my cell phone, or another phone altogether? I can’t stand by him anymore. While as far as I know he hasn’t touched anyone, I have come to the realization that there is no cure for him. It will never end, and I will be in misery forever. I stayed because I had hope. He went to a therapist briefly, and nothing came of that, so I thought perhaps his viewing wasn’t considered a real legal problem. I thought a therapist would be required to report that? So either the therapist didn’t do their job right, or he wasn’t completely truthful with the therapist.

    One of my fears is that nothing can be found on the computer I have, since files were deleted over 5 yrs ago, or that the files, if recovered, won’t be enough to prove his problem. I don’t want the authorities to think I’m a liar, because I do not remember exactly what photos were there.There were so many. I believe there are some that are pornographic, but I also remember some being children in various stages of dress too (dance recital photos, swimsuits, just faces, and more.) I wish I could recall what I saw. I’ve also moved the computer from the home, so he can not destroy it, if he develops suspicion.

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  30. Anony-mous Wife,

    You are smart to hang onto the computer. And perhaps you can make an anonymous phone call from a pay phone.

    If your husband was like my husband, he told the therapist very little, confessing something small, and then hinting it was in the distant past.

    He never revealed the truth until the court system forced him to, based on my testimony. (He couldn’t see his children unless he was enrolled in a sex offender program chosen by the court. And they required him to participate.)

    Perhaps your husband’s counselor didn’t bother asking for more facts or digging deeper. Non-violent sex offenders are excellent liars — very good at minimizing, diverting, and explaining away concerns — and they need a very strong therapist. Most therapists are not trained to handle bright and manipulative sex offenders, and they get fooled.

    Trained counselors know the truth.

    It is very possible that your husband is watching child porn on his mobile phone. It’s amazing what the police know. It’s possible that even though the porn is no longer on his ccmputer, the police have traced it and know about it.

    Don’t let the lack of iron-clad proof stop you. You need to tell everything you know and what you suspect and why. Judges and police go into that career to keep our society safe. They see pedophiles and hear their lies all the time. They aren’t easy to fool. And they don’t want to let a pedophile run loose in the community.

    Stand by your guns.

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  31. They can recover deleted files. My ex-husband deleted ever picture and conversation, and the police found it all.

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  32. They will be able to pull the deleted information from the computer. My ex-husband thought he was safe because he deleted all conversations and photos from his phone and computer, but the police found it all.

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  33. Thank you, everyone. I am trying to find a time to go and speak to someone at a PD. I’m not sure which police dept to go to. Where we live, there is a PD for my town, but there’s also a county sheriff’s office. This is all so confusing. I still fight these feelings about what it makes me. I knew this stuff about him, but blindly kept trying to make it work. I thought he could get better, and not need those things. Of course I learned otherwise, which is why now I’m trying to figure my next steps. But, I’ve known the desires and whatnot for many years. I did not know his tendencies made him a pedophile. I honestly thought that required him touching someone. Now i know better. I’m terrified people will think I approved of his behavior, and question why I never did anything about it. I did reach out to people, there was an intervention, but never any authorities. I assume the people who did the intervention with me also believed he could be changed.

    I need so much advice and support, and i’m so confused. I feel dead inside. Like a zombie.

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  34. Anony-mous Wife,

    The first 6 months of separation are tough. You’ll have a lot of ups and downs, and wonder if you’ve done the right thing. But if you have hang in there, it will slowly start getting better. Eventually you will find happiness again. And several of us, after a few years of learning to stand on our own two feet, remarried emotionally healthy men.

    What a difference to be truly loved!

    Anon3

    Like

  35. Hi there

    Been a while since posted, on april 22nd major argument broke out, i think it needed to happen I could no longer take this hell i was living, my life of 20 years is over but my son is hurting, husband and I have been sperated since I am finding my own place with my son. He has never touched my son, and I feel my son needs a relationship with his dad still, but I am being hounded by everyone in my family…

    Like

  36. Mary,

    Stand your ground. You are doing the right thing to separate and get away. It is normal for your son to miss his dad. Tell him his dad loves him (if this is true), but that his dad has problems and he needs to fix them before they can see each other. Don’t say a lot to your son. You can always tell him what I told my kids: “I’ll answer any question you have when you turn 21, but right now, I’m not going to say very much.”

    Most of us ex-wives of pedophiles discover to our horror his family will know the truth but will pretend they don’t and will turn against us and makes up lies about us. Just accept that “blood is thicker than water” and they are simply going to do it, no matter what you say.

    Hang in there. A better life is around the corner for you and your son. My son has thanked me repeatedly for getting his dad out of our house. That removed the toxic attitudes and emotions from our lives and allowed my kids to have a healthy childhood.

    -Anon3

    Liked by 1 person

  37. Hi i am also a pedophile wife
    My husband confess all to me and he ask me to help him to cure that sick..
    He molest my own niece
    And no one of my family member know that except me.. I dont what him to put in jail but i want him to hel him cured.. What should i do?
    Im a filipino citizen.. Im not good in english so i hope you understand what i mean and i hope you help me about my situation..
    This is my biggest problem now pls i need your advice

    Like

  38. The police opened my bird cage door for me 2 years ago. My separation with my fiance and sons father was forced. His crimes were severely damaging. He has begun contacting me recently for the first time. I’m very hesitant as my instinct is to love him and welcome his return into our lives residually for our 3 year old who didn’t know his dad (not even that he has one) I’m fearful though of his underlying motives, possible lies, and simple short comings. I worry that if I get involved again we will never be free from harm again.

    Like

  39. I recently found out after 11years of marriage, 12 years being together, that my husband molested my daughter for years starting shortly after we were married. I immediately reported it and he is now in jail. However, I still love him. We were at the point of seperating and possibly filing for divorce when I found out. He was having an affair and said he was leaving me. I was desperately trying to hold on and save my marriage and then I find out about what he did. How do I forgive myself for not knowing all this time and how do I rid myself of still loving him??

    Desperate and confused

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  40. Dear Jhoy,

    I am sorry for the pain that you are living through. Unfortunately, there is no cure for pedophilia and it is very resistant to treatment. You cannot cure what you did not create and you absolutely cannot control it. The most loving thing you can do for your husband is to turn him in to the police and to tell your family what he has done. Secrets make you part of the problem. He will molest again because he cannot control himself.

    Please protect yourself and the children in your life by notifying the police. We are here to stand with you.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  41. Dear Single Mom,

    Please do not let this man back into you and your son’s lives. You are absolutely right to suspect his motives. Trust your gut! So many times we discount what our gut is telling us but it is so often right. You and your son will be at risk if you let him back in. Of course you still love him–he is your son’s father. But he will hurt again, you will be in harm’s way and most importantly, your son will be victimized–maybe not sexually but certainly emotionally.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  42. Dear Desperate and Confused,

    Those two words so accurately describe the state of mind and heart that we find ourselves in upon learning that we are married to a pedophile. Let’s look at the facts that you wrote about: he was having an affair and he molested your daughter. You absolutely did the right thing by reporting him to the police!

    Of course you still love him. It takes the heart a while to catch up with the head sometimes. You spent 12 years with this man and anticipated a long future with him. Sometimes after the drama of arrest, trial, etc. is over we get lonely and look at the past with our perpetrating partner through rose-colored glasses. Take them off. Re-read the police reports if it helps.

    Forgiving yourself is so much harder. What helped me was this note from a child pornography victim. You can find it at: http://brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com/search?q=falene

    The partner is often the last to know. One of the horrendous things about this disease is the believability of the perpetrator! They are master manipulators, deceivers and can molest in plain sight. You had no way of knowing–none at all. You are part of a rather large community of women who were deceived by their partners. You are not weak, naive or stupid. You simply believed what your husband led you to believe. You cannot know what you do not know. As hard as it is, let yourself off the hook.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  43. I need help. My daughter just told her boyfriend that her father is messing with her sexually. The boyfriend told me. Should I confront him in the present of family members? What can I do? My heart is broken.

    Like

  44. Hi Mercy,

    How old is your daughter? Have you had a chance to talk with your daughter to verify this? If she is a minor, please report to authorities and let them investigate. I’m very sorry you are dealing with this heart-breaking news.

    Like

  45. I read the article. I’m afraid to file for divorce. My husband has been gone three years, but I’m afraid to file for fear of repercussions from his family. I’ve never trusted them but the feeling is stronger now.

    Like

  46. Dear Mercy,

    I am so sorry that you have heard this devastating news. I agree completely with Julie Anne–report it to the authorities and let them do the investigation. Do not try to confront him in the presence of a family member. The last thing you want to do is contaminate the evidence or give him notice that you know. Contact the police and cooperate with them.

    Find a therapist who specializes in dealing with partners and victims of perpetrators and get your daughter into therapy. You will need to find a supportive community to help you as well, including a therapist. I recommend S-Anon, a 12-step program for partners of sex addicts for you. You will find an incredibly supportive group of women (and a few men) who understand what you are dealing with and who can provide you with the support you need. I also recommend a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) for you and for your daughter.

    Again, I am so sorry that you and your daughter are in this nightmare. You do not deserve it, you did not cause it (she certainly did not “entice” him) and neither of you can control it. If you want to connect privately, let Julie Anne know and she will reach out to you.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  47. Hello! I am really unsure of my husband since we had our daughter. I have this gut feeling that he is a pedophile, but I have no proof of any sort and I don’t know what to do. I have seen him have an erection during her bath time twice in the past couple years. I confronted him the second time and he gave some dumb excuse so I began bathing her. She doesn’t like him to change her diapers or clothes and never has (she’s 2 and a half now). Today we went to a pool party for her friends birthday and I swear he had an erection again! I’m not one to jump to conclusions, but this is really concerning Me! I just don’t have a good feeling about this! Any advice would be so greatly appreciated because I am completely lost right now :,(

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  48. Dear W.S.,

    I agree that this is a confusing situation and one to be concerned about. I am so sorry; I very much know the pain, confusion and fear that you are no doubt feeling. I encourage you to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and get some professional help. You can do that here: https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

    Right now you need information and you need professional support. You daughter’s safety depends on it. Again, I am so sorry for this nightmare.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  49. I guess I am here because for years I have been confused about the reaction I received from my aunt when I finally confronted her about her husband molesting me. It was not the reaction I expected and it has always haunted me…
    After reading this I think I came to the realization that she knew all along. Looking back, I was so afraid to break her heart. I was 19. I had kept my secret for years to protect her and my cousins. To be honest, i don’t believe I ever planned to expose the man until one night my baby sister confessed to me that he had molested her. She was 13.

    Our parents were devastated when we told them. We decided not to contact the authorities until we could bring the issue up with our poor aunt first. Ironic that every step taken was to protect her yet when the moment was finally there, I’m standing face to face with her, there was no shock, no surprise, as if she knew what I was going to say just like I knew what my sister was going to say that night. 

    There was no pain or betrayal on her face…
    She emotionless, she said ” And what am I supposed to do? Leave him?” “I’ll lose the house!” “Why would my husband do it with you in my house when he can do it with 12 year olds overseas whenever he wants?”  “Why say anything? I was molested as a young girl and I didn’t say anything!” “Your sister? She’s a sassy girl that asks for attention ! ”
    The last thing she did was hug me, tell me things will be different now and it’ll be the last time we see each other. It was a tender hug. Definitely something I will never forget much less make up. Unfortunately, I was made out to be delusional in court by the opposing side. I was made out to be the crazy big sister that lied to prove my sister’s story. But that’s the furthest thing from the truth. I used to try to imagine how different things would be if I had only had the courage to scream and expose him to her that night. My sister would have never been hurt. But now I see that my aunt knew. She was either watching silently or she was playing oblivious. But would she ever admit that? What would it take?
    I can only pray that my sister was his last but with him still in the military and with a wife that is fine with him hurting children in other countries… Who knows right?
    I’ve gotten used to the idea that there will never be justice. Now, this article gave me a strange sense of hope. Hope that one day my aunt will repent and the guilt will be too heavy for her to bear. I hope the truth comes out through her. And I hope that this happens before he harms another child.

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  50. Dear HeartsDominique,

    Thank you for having the courage to speak up on this post and to tell your story, It is important for those of us who had the misfortune of marrying a pedophile to hear. I am so sorry that your aunt did not support you and your sister and that you found no justice. My belief and hope is that your aunt is the anomaly rather than the rule. Certainly the wives of pedophiles that I know do not fit her mold. We were/are horrified by our partners’ actions and cooperate fully with law enforcement. Our goal is the protection of children everywhere, often at great personal expense.

    Having said that, I do have compassion for your aunt–I do not condone her behavior at all but I understand the dilemma she faces. No one wins when a pedophile is in the family–certainly not the victims, nor the family members. When exposed, the family loses honor and often financial stability but that in no way compares to what the victim loses. Everyone suffers–in different ways–but suffers.

    My prayer is that you and your sister can find healing in the realization that not all partners of pedophiles collude or help the perpetrator continue to victimize innocent children. Most of us do all we can do to protect and defend the innocent. Your pain is an ever-present horror to us as we try to reconcile our partner’s deviant and criminal behavior with the man we thought we married.

    I know I speak for many of us when I say that I am so sorry for the pain you experienced as a child and continue to experience as an adult because of your victimization by a pedophile.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  51. Hello, my name is Bella. I was married for 13 years with a narcissist, manipulative, alcoholic pedophile. In the last year of our marriage he sexually abused my sister’s daughter (6 years old and 11 years old at the time). I divorced him 5 years ago, but it feels like I have PTSD. I keep having flash backs. I had therapy but it didn’t help. My own mother tells me to get over it, but it’s like my brain is stuck in this period of my life and even though I do not love him anymore, the pain is still there…

    Like

  52. Bella,

    So sorry for what you are going through. With PTSD you dont just get over it. I have struggled with PTSD as well and for me the best outcome has been working with a trauma therapist who has a good understanding of trauma but also sex addiction. For me, EMDR therapy has been the most helpful to clear flashbacks. Cognitive Behavior Therapy doesn’t typically work on this type of trauma. Your family probably means well but they have no idea what it feels like to have PTSD. It’s not something you can just decide to get rid of. There are a lot of tools a good therapist can teach you to deal with the triggers but something like EMDR or similar brain-body work can actually get rid of the triggers or make them less severe.

    Liked by 1 person

  53. Dear Renewal,

    I agree completely with slcoleman–talk therapy does not help much with PTSD. EMDR and other treatment modalities are incredibly helpful. I recommend a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist who works with partners. CSAT therapists are trauma-focused but also well informed on sex addiction, pedophilia, etc. The pain you have and are experiencing is unique and requires someone uniquely trained to help. You can search for a therapist in your area at: https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

    In the meantime, please know that you are not alone, you did not cause this and could not control or cure it.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  54. Anon 3 this post was the first light in my confusion and darkness.

    God opened the cage door and I took the chance to spread my wings and fly free with my precious babies.
    He is now in prison until my baby girls are adults and we a liberated to live a life free from lies, deception and abuse.
    Thank you for speaking your truth… God bless

    Liked by 1 person

  55. Liberty Laughter, thank you so much for your comment. I’m thrilled for you and your children. What a difficult thing you did!

    You’re story will certainly be an encouragement to others who read here.

    Grace and peace!
    I

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  56. I discovered that my ex is Facebook friends, under an alias but with a picture of himself, and all of his “friends” are 12-year-old Filipino girls from the most sex-trafficked places in the Philippines. They call him “Daddy” and he calls them by their webcam names and leaves comments like “smokin hot” on their pictures. We divorced one year ago after I discovered his porn, Craigslist, stranger sex. He spent all of our savings of 20 years on a webcam girl. He sexually molested his younger sister for eight years, beginning when she was six. He is 56 and his family knew about his sister and never told me. My daughter was six when we met. I discovered all of this after the divorce. I feel like I should do something but I don’t know what

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  57. Hi Roaring,

    I’m glad you shared here and asked such an important question. Sometimes being connected with a pedophile can leave you emotionally exhausted and even confused. If he is or has participated in illegal activity, you must report him to authorities. That is the right thing to do before he harms others.

    Did he sexually harm your daughter?

    Like

  58. Hi Roaring,

    Wow, this is disturbing. I am sorry that you have had this horrendous experience. I wonder, was your husband prosecuted for any of his crimes? If so, you might send screen shots to his probation officer and/or the county prosecutor.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  59. Hello, my name is Margie and my home was surprise raised by homeland security yesterday morning. My husband and I were separated into two rooms and questioned about our electronics and computers in our home. This was a shock and very scary. He had taken a photo off of social media and sent to an individual who was busted for child pornography in another country and was saying they were going away for the weekend. He told me he was just bored and things got out of hand. But homeland security raid? There have been many other heavy bombs financially and odd situations he always seems to justify reasonable exlination for. He did go to our church and speak to a counselor, but I am unsure if I can go back home and act as is everything’s normal. We have 2 kiddos in college and they are out of the home. My question is, is it a sin to say enough is enough? I have given grace through the goodness of our Father and forgave as I have to for me. When do you know it’s Gods plan to leave a depraved situation? I have been married for 21 years and I had hopes that we could get through anything together with Gods grace, love and provision. Thank you!

    Like

  60. I’m in a similar situation. I’ve made a horrible mistake and married a pedophile. I have no concrete proof, and if I leave him, he’ll be granted unsupervised visitation with my children, boy (7) and girl (4 months). I have no money, no job (due to health issues), no family or friends or support system of any kind. I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do. I feel I must stay and be hypervigilant and never allow him alone with my children because if I leave, he’ll have unsupervised access to them, at a minimum. Any advice?

    Like

  61. Dear Margie and Scaredsickmomof4,
    I apologize for the delay in responding to your posts; we like to do better than this but life has been complicated and busy.

    Margie, I can imagine that the Homeland Security raid was very frightening and shocking. I know mine was and it was not Homeland Security! Let me say that I do not believe this raid would have occurred if your husband’s involvement had just been one picture. Perpetrators deny, minimize, distort, gaslight and outright lie to cover their behavior. The raid had to result from something more sinister than just one or two social media pictures. You indicated that there have been other odd things that have impacted your financial security and physical safety. When is enough enough? NOW! It is not a sin to get yourself to safety. Your children need a safe harbor in one parent and their father clearly is not one. God cares more for individuals than He does for institutions (marriage, church, etc.)

    Scaredsick, your situation is heartbreaking in that you have no proof and you have young children. I’m going to ask Anonymous2 to weigh in on your situation because she has more experience with this.

    Hugs to both of you!
    Brenda

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  62. Margie,

    It’s okay to say “enough is enough” now. You have given many chances, offered a lot of forgiveness, and been trusting over and over. But your trust has not been deserved. Rather, your trust has been betrayed repeatedly. He’s given excuses and iies to cover up his behavior. After 21 years, it’s time to sadly conclude that he does not have what it takes to be a good man and an honorable husband. Homeland Security has been watching and they know your husband for what he is. You are free to go.

    -Anon3

    Like

  63. ScaredSickMomOf4,

    I’m sorry for what you are going through. You need to listen to your intuition in this matter. You are right, you need to get him out. I know it’s very difficult when you feel that all options are blocked, but I believe you can do it.

    I know a woman who is disabled with 3 children, who has a disabled relative living with her too. She was able to get her husband out of the house, divorce him, and survive financially. She is very happy today, four years later!

    I know it feels nearly impossible to get out, but I would like to challenge you to create a 90-Day Escape Plan.

    I would recommend you get out a piece of paper and figure out how you could start a new life without your husband. It might take several weeks to get this information together. Give yourself 90 days—in other words, collect this information by January 31, 2018.

    • 1. Bank accounts – Make copies of last 6 months of bank statements. Get the login/passwords. ATM card and pin if possible.

    • 2. Credit cards – Make copies of the last 6 months of credit card statements. Make a list of all credit card numbers, expiration dates, and CCVs.
 I have seen credit card companies open new cards for people who are in abusive or dangerous situations. They don’t advertise it, but I’ve seen it done.

    • 3. Mail delivery – Start sending some of your mail to a private mail box or maybe to a family/friend’s house.

    
• 4. Mobile phone – Call the mobile phone company anonymously (not from your cell phone) and ask tell them you are in an abusive situation with a husband who is a danger to your kids. Ask if they have any kind of plan for women in your situation.

    
• 5. Making photocopies of all his legal documents and important bills: social security card, drivers license, last 3 years of tax returns, paycheck stubs, loan documents, phone bills, mortgage payments, rent payments, employment contracts, 401(k), retirement funds, IRAs etc.

    
• 6. Stockpile cash – Start hiding money away.


    • 7. Start telling trusted people the truth and find a network of friends who will help you. If they don’t believe you, that is not your problem, just move on and find those who do.


    • 8. Stay connected with us on this blog…or join the forum.

    Finally, it’s important to pray for strength and pray about timing. When it is time to go, the Lord will tell you … and will give you strength.

    Liked by 1 person

  64. I just found out that my husband is addicted to child porn and even took pictures of our young daughter without her knowing it. He is in jail right now and I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to go get a divorce. Both of my children cry for him everyday because they miss him. I miss him too and I feel like that’s the wing emotion to have. But we had such a wonderful marriage.

    Like

  65. Hi Hurting and Confused, I see why you are hurting and confused. And I’m so sorry to hear that you and your children are dealing with this.

    The marriage you thought you had was a fraud. Your marriage wasn’t wonderful because it was based on dishonesty and despicable sexual crimes against God’s most vulnerable – children. You have the opportunity thru divorce to model for your children the reality of your marriage and your family, which is the truth that your children need to know. I’m going to pass along your message to Brenda and Anonymous3, too, so they can respond. Again, I’m so sorry. No wife/family should have to deal with this.

    Like

  66. Dear Hurting&Confused03,

    I am so sorry for pain that you and your children are experiencing–it is brutal but you will recover as will they. The torn feelings that you have are quite common–we have all experienced them because they are based on a bond that is incredibly strong. One of the hardest things I had to come to terms with was the acceptance that my ex-husband did not feel the same way about me and our children as we did about him. He still sees us as extensions of himself–not as unique individuals with opinions and feelings that do not originate in him. And he still feels that he is the victim.

    You are not alone and neither are your children. Julie Anne is right,you have the opportunity to model strength,resiliency and a better view of marriage for your children. I encourage you to find a qualified therapist for all of you and to join a recovery group. You will find individuals who can help you along this journey to recovery.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  67. I’m writing to say thanks for the responses I did receive from other readers. While I appreciate the 90 day challenge someone listed, it really doesn’t address my main concern. I can leave my husband. I can probably find some way to support my kids. My concern is HOW DO I KEEP HIM FROM HAVING UNSUPERVISED ACCESS TO MY CHILDREN when I have no proof? Am I supposed to just let him abuse them enough to get evidence? I need to PREVENT it!

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  68. I am 77 and my husband, 75, was arrested for internet child pornograhy. Only married 18 years and me having no children and no living close relatives to help take care of me, I am having a hate/love for him, and don’t want to have sex at all. I need him to help with basic living. He is going to therapy, but I don’t believe he ever will get over it. We moved, lost our friends, and I have depression and high anxiety. If I were younger, I would leave. I have the best military insurance being with him, so I don’t want a divorce. He hasn’t been sentenced yet. He won’t tell his family, and that is hard for me too. I am devastated and don’t know what to do. If he goes to jail for over 60 days, he loses most of his income, which makes me having to pay credit cards of about $30,000, and a heafty law suit from a bad investment. I am the only one with assets and can’t pay it all myself without losing my capital, which supports me. I make too much money to get any of his income. I need support of some kind.

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  69. @Scaredsickmomof4: The only thing I can suggest is to get Child Protective Services (or whatever the agency name is in your state that deals with the safety of children) involved and let them know exactly what you are telling us. Otherwise, you may not have any legal backing because of lack of evidence. Side note: how do you know he is a pedophile if you have no concrete proof?

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  70. @Scaredsickmomof4:

    Have you contacted a family law attorney yet?

    If not, you need to do so immediately. And ask what the options are in your state.

    Why can’t you take your children with you if you leave?

    I think there’s more to this story. What else should we know?

    Like

  71. I am married to a man who is a pedophile but has never acted on it. He has not hurt anyone but has confessed to me that he struggles with an attraction to young girls. He tells me he wants to seek therapy and to stop his urges but I do not know how to help him. It terrifies me as we have children. I do not know how to react to him and I do not know what to do in this situation.

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  72. I am 77 and just found out my husband was downloading pictures of child pronography on his computer. The police caught him and he’s facing years in prison. It is very unnerving for me to think about having sex with him because of what he’s thinking about or what may think about. He is going to some therapy and I we haven’t gone to court yet. I sympathize with you. If he has not acted on it I think a lot of these men lined up looking at pornography on the internet and it kind of leaves them down the path to things like that. I don’t know what to do about mine either. I do go to S Anon and there is sexaholics anonymous where where my husband goes so I hope you can find some peace somewhere. You can contact me if you like at Carla Carla 2323 at yahoo.com. It’s good to have someone to talk to, because I’ve lost most of my friends and we’ve had to move. I now have some good friends in my SMS on group. I hope you find one for yourself.

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  73. Dear Carla and Sandy,

    Sandy, I am so sorry for this horrible place you find yourself in. Please know that you are not alone, that you did not cause this, cannot cure it or control it. If your husband is a pedophile, he will need long-term, specialized treatment and a determination to participate with recovery to the fullest extent. The prognosis for recovery is not hopeful, I’m afraid. This urge is akin to a sexual orientation and is very resistant to change. You have children and they are at risk, don’t minimize this. I know it is horrendous to entertain the notion that he could molest but that is exactly what you need to think about. Get help for yourself first! Find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) who specializes in working with partners, go to S-Anon and reach out. This is a serious problem and it won’t go away. You are welcome to email me directly through my blog (click on my hyper-linked name, my email address is at the top right-hand column of my blog).

    Carla, thank you for reaching out in a redemptive fashion to Sandy. I am happy that you have garnered a community of support for yourself. I know it is challenging at this stage of life to discover something of this magnitude and I am proud of your proactive work in advocating and caring for yourself.

    Hug,
    Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  74. @Ms Ann,

    I don’t have concrete proof, meaning I don’t have screenshots of messages or proof of ages on his computer and I haven’t caught him in the act. I was a counselor at a group home for girls several years ago. The group home encouraged us to bring our families to outings as it provided a more “family oriented” feel to children in an institutional facility. My husband was friendly with the girls there, even friending them on Facebook. It’s many years later, and some of those girls who were 12, 13, 14 then are now adults. They’ve contacted me and expressed that when they were young, my husband had sent inappropriate messages to them. Things like, “What kind of underwear do you wear?” Or “What gets your panties wet?”. But I don’t have copies of these msgs. A former friend of his says they caught him looking at child pornography once when he was using his laptop at their home. Another former friend of his has two daughters who were molested and taken from her when they were 3 & 4. Her 12 yr old son (at the time) was in the house with my husband and those girls alone on several occasions when my husband was babysitting them. The son is grown now and says he believes he saw my husband doing inappropriate things with the girls. My best friend of 25 years has a 13 yr old daughter who my husband Snapchatted and asked ” What’s your dirtiest fantasy?”. But the nature of Snapchat is such that as soon as a msg is read, it’s auto deleted, is my understanding. I have no concrete proof. But I have a ton of anecdotal testimony from several sources.

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  75. @anon3,

    I have gotten an attorney in the last month. I’ve filed for divorce. I can leave and take my children (we’re actually being evicted now because he cut us off completely, financially, when I filed for divorce and our court date to force support until the divorce is final isn’t until mid-March). But what has always been my fear is that he has rights to visitation, as their father. And unless I have concrete proof that he’s a danger to them, his visitation will be unsupervised, which gives him ample opportunity to abuse my children, with no one there to protect them. I don’t have the resources to run and hide until they’re grown (which is also ILLEGAL!).

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  76. I divorced my ex husband when my two sons were 4 and 5. I loved the man dearly when we married. After our children arrived, I suspected pedophilia but real evidence (like catching them in the act or him confessing) never came forth. All I would ever get was “I would never hurt them”. Well, not all acts from pedophiles hurt, I thought. I came from an abusive childhood and witnessed horrific acts on my sister and I was the target of the more subtle manipulation as was my other sister. So I am familiar. It was in his strange actions, secrets, and in my gut.

    The man remarried shortly after our divorce and the boys would go there for summer and winter break. I couldn’t stop it due to child custody rules. My younger son came to me at about 8 or 10 and said in a very innocent way, that “something use to happen, but they don’t do that anymore.”

    Eventually, the boys stopped wanting to go during his time-share and we found every excuse in the world so they didn’t have to go visit. As time went on, he would demand that since he was paying child support that he had every right to see his children and when they chose to stop going there, he stopped paying child support. Coincidentally, he then moved to another state and got a job around younger children. And then 2 years later a job with even younger kids. The age where I thought it was happening to my kids (4/5).

    When the boys were both around 16, and were asking about why I divorced him, I told them the truth. I told them that (among other things) I thought that he was molesting the older boy, but that there was never any solid evidence to prove it. I told them about some of the evidence that I felt warranted my decisions and let them give their feedback. I told them that they would need to listen to their gut about weather they felt like he was genuine or being manipulative. I taught them how to recognize a person who is lying or trying to be manipulative and to listen and watch him for these ques and red flags and to trust their gut. I encouraged them to know him for who he is and as time went on, they chose to distance themselves from him.

    My boys are now 18 and 20. The 20 hear old wants nothing to do at all with his father and the 18 year old is avoiding him and has said that he doesn’t think he is ready to block him out from his life forever just yet. I explained to my older 20 year old son, that he needs to reconcile his feelings with his father so he can move on in his heart and in his mind.

    Today, I explained to the 18 year old that his father is asking why they don’t answer, but that I didn’t know what to say and that on one I feel guilty and on the other hand I don’t owe him any kind of explanation. The way I see it, the man all but abandoned them, save for the couple of weeks time-sharing he had with them in their younger years, when they were under 10 and a Friday night phone call. No visits to band concerts, no help with looking for their first cars, no fishing trips, no financial support to help finance their needs, no actual actions or activities that would have constituted forming a real father son bond with them. On the other hand, he is their father.

    I found out a couple of years ago, that about 5 years ago, he was been diagnosed with psychosis and paranoid schizophrenia and is on medication and acts even more odd on the meds than he was before. Nothing the man has ever done with them had any depth. Now, they are 18 and 20 (10-15 years later) he is texting and trying to contact them almost non-stop and texting me regularly asking why they won’t respond to his calls, emails and texts. How am I suppose to manage that? On one hand, I feel like he doesn’t deserve their love and attention because he never had the capacity to give it to them and that he may have sexually abused one or both. On the other hand I feel guilty.

    The boys, by the way have turned out awesome. Both are responsible. The older boy is struggling with transgender identity (which i am sure your christian community will have a cow over) but is awesome just the same. So there you have it. That’s my story.

    At the moment I am struggling with guilt and confusion with how to help them with how they should respond to their father’s attempts to coerce them into having a father son relationship with them even though he has never really been there for them.

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  77. Jane,

    I think you’re a great mother and your grown children are lucky to have you. (And you are lucky to have such awesome kids!)

    I agree, your kids should make their own decision. They do not need to have contact, either now or ever, with their pedophile father.

    And for him to pester, harass, and shame them to call him shows how dangerous he is. (In my mind, the appropriate response to narcissists/sociopaths/dangerous people is no response whatsoever.)

    My oldest doesn’t have contact with her father. My youngest does, but has very good boundaries. Once they were over 16, it was their choice, and I said nothing. Some people have the emotional armor to be around people pedophiles — others do not.

    Whenever my ex-husband asked why the kids weren’t returning his calls, I just said, “I gave them your message. It’s up to them. They are grown now.” End of conversation.

    You’ve done a great job supporting and caring. (And tell your kids we’re proud of them.)

    I hope everyone connected to a pedophile reads this and finds the courage to get their children away from a self-absorbed person. Protecting kids from harm and giving them a fresh start as early as possible makes the healing faster and easier.

    -Anon3

    Liked by 1 person

  78. Hi Jane, I’m so glad you reached out here. Thank you for trusting us with your story. I’m sorry that you’ve had difficulty with your ex-husband. I want to assure you that you will get no judging here about your son struggling with transgender identity. That’s not what we are her for. Your son is precious in God’s sight and he is loved with an everlasting love.

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  79. i recently discovered pornographic pictures hidden in a secret file in my husbands laptop. He insisted he deleted them all and we began counseling. I deided to get back on his laptop to make sure they were deleted, when to my dismay, I discovered within those deleted pics were also numerous pics of young girls we know. Many of them were of one particular girl. I am completely shattered.Why would those pics be in that deleted file unless he was hiding something? Now Im frightened and dont know just how to approach this. I somehow kept feeling he was still hiding something from me and when I asked, he insisted he revealed everything to me. He is best friends of the father of one of the girls in the pics. Do I turn him in to friends and family, or just say something to him myself? Either way, this must be addressed and Im so lost as to where to go.

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  80. Hi Michele,

    Wow – I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can see why you are shattered.

    I would not recommend you turn him in to friends/family, OR that you speak to him about this. The most important thing right now is that you notify authorities. This is for your protection, Do not remove any photos, just leave the laptop as is.

    I have alerted Brenda and Anon3 about your note. Would it be okay if one of them contacts you via e-mail? They are the experts on these kinds of cases and know how to best help you. Just leave a comment and let us know the best way to connect with you: by e-mail or here on the blog. I can also connect you to the online private forum where you can read stories of other women who have gone through what you have gone through.

    Again, I’m so sorry for the difficulty you are facing. Brenda and Anon3 can help you. You don’t need to do this by yourself. You can see from this post that there are many, many wives just like you!

    I look forward to hearing from you again.
    (or you can contact me privately at spiritualsb@gmail.com).

    Like

  81. Michele,

    Child porn laws are very strict. Even possessing a child porn image — whether a sexual act occurred or not — is illegal.

    Because you know about the child porn on your husband’s computer and have actually looked at it, you must now report it to the authorities. (I put the link below.) It is possible that the authorities are already watching your husband’s online behavior.

    You need to report the child porn to the police or you too could be liable.
    Do not share, show anyone, print, or make copies of the image(s). Don’t even email them or print them out to the authorities.
    Do not discard the image(s) until directed to do so by law enforcement. When directed to do so by law enforcement, ensure the image is permanently destroyed. (18 USC § 2258B) Ask them how to destroy it.
    Limit the number of people who may view the image. (18 USC § 2258B) In other words, don’t show the images to anyone.

    The secure URL to submit National Center for Missing and Exploited Children CyberTipline reports is: https://report.cybertip.org/ You can make the report anonymously if you like.

    -Anon3

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  82. Yes, that is so important, Anon3. Thank you.
    Michele, Anon3 is absolutely correct. This truly is for your protection! I’ve been thinking of you this morning. I know you have a lot to think about.

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  83. My brother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. As these people get older, this disease gets worse, and there is no cure, only management. He used to hide it well. They can seem normal for a short time. He is not a pedophile, but you should know about his mental disease. I am 77 and he is 74, and I have him in a home since 2010, semi lock up. They have delusions, just like the movie “A Beautiful Mind”. Regarding pedophilia, my husband was caught via the computer looking at child porn and is facing jail time, 5 years per picture, and because he shared it, it is a second degree felony. He is 75, and I am stressed out myself. Hope you can enjoy your life and your children by moving on.

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  84. I am 39 and a mother of 4. I suffer from anxiety, depression, bi-polar, ptsd among other things. I suffered sexual abuse from the age of 9-15, when I eventually told only because my abuser was literally on his way to “get me” to kidnap and marrying me in Mexico. I had never told before only due to my abuser telling me how nobody would believe me and how I would disappoint my mother. He showered me with extravagant gifts and took me on lovely excursions instead of school. After the birth of my sister a few years after my abuse started I “promised” that I would continue as long as she was never made to do these things. This all happened in the early 90’s. After several suicide attempts I realized my mother would never leave him even after he had confessed. I have felt my entire life that she chose herself over her children. HE NEVER DID TOUCH MY SISTER. However just this past week she expressed to me that she is having to seek counseling for the weight of all of this, although she has been aware many years. My heart feels like it is breaking with every breath. To any Mothers who stay or are thinking of staying…PLEASE CHOOSE YOUR CHILD! PLEASE CHOOSE THE PERSON YOU GAVE LIFE TOO! It is hard enough to go through healing. TOO heavy of a cross to ask your child bare.

    Like

  85. Hello. I am so glad to find this site, and I am so happy to find out that I am not alone in this. My heart goes to every lady in this chain of the comments, because I know exactly how they feel.. For a long time now, over 5 years, since I found out that “truth” about my husband, I feel like I’m loosing my mind; it has been a rollercoaster of the emotions: anger, depression, fear, low self esteem, even suicidal thoughts. It took me a while to understand that it has nothing to do with me, I didn’t cause this, and as many other ladies said, we can’t “fix” this problem for our husbands/partners. I knew my husband for 3 years before we got married, there were no indications of his attraction to the little girls, otherwise I would in no absolute way marry him. Especially since I had a 9 year old daughter at a time. His “favorite” age category is 5-12. That’s why I felt like I got into this marriage blindfolded, I felt, and unfortunately still, feel trapped, for several reasons. But today, after dealing with it for over 5 years, I am closer than ever to get out.

    One year into marriage, everything crushed on me; after we started living together, started sensing that something was off about him, but I didn’t have any proof. One day, I borrowed his flash drive (it was laying next to his computer), to save and print out one of our wedding pictures. I took this flash drive to the local store, plugged it in, and the next thing I saw is hundreds and hundreds of pictures started popping up on a screen, pictures of little girls, naked, half naked, you name it.. I thought I got hit by a lightning, I froze. Not to mention, I was standing in the middle of the store, and I realized that someone could have seen it. It was awful. Everything I felt about him, all these puzzles in my head came together that day. I confronted him by screaming and just losing it. I kept asking, How could you do this to me?, Who do you think you are to screw up my life like this? etc.. He never denied it. His response was ” I hoped you would never find out this about me”. The next thing that came to my mind, is my daughter, of course. He never has done anything physical to her, thank God. Otherwise, I would probably harm him. He went to the therapist, and I guess he shared something there because the same day, we had a police and a Child Protective Services at our house. I was in shock and scared, because I didn’t know what really happened. What they told was that he shared some of his fantasies about my daughter with his therapist. They opened the case, talked to all of our kids (he has two boys, and I also have a son), he was also required to go sexual recovery institute for a couple of weeks. But since he never done anything physical to anyone, our case was closed after 6 months. I don’t know why they didn’t really make a big deal about his stashes of child porn.

    My trust for him was shattered. I became this “watch dog”, like other ladies here were mentioning. I constantly was checking his electronics to see if he was visiting the sites. Since I found out this about him, I never left him alone with my daughter, not even for five minutes in a same room. Right after the case was closed against him, he relapsed into looking and saving the pictures of little girls again. I was devastated. I also learned that he was on dating, porn, and prostitution sites. So, I realized that he is not just a pedophile, he is a sex addict in general. But I think pedophilia is the worst case of anything else.

    I know I had to leave, I just didn’t have any place to go, I don’t have any relatives around, I had no money. On top of that, after we got married, I also learned that he was deep in debt, which would become my responsibility if I leave, or I couldn’t even request for his help because he had no means for that. It felt unfair in all ways around. I felt trapped, emotionally, financially, physically. Today, after five years of being in all of his mess, yes, his mess, I am finally trying to focus on myself more, and of course my children. My daughter is 16 now (according to his comments I saw on his computer, she is too old for him now, and out his interest). I know how disgusting and disturbing it all sounds.

    I didn’t even know who am I to him in all of this; I am definitely not a little girl as he desires. My kids are 16 and 18, I am not too old either. But all of a sudden I have to “compete” with the 12 year olds? I never did and I never will want to. I don’t believe that he is really attracted to me, although he is trying to convince me that he wants me. I read in his disclosure letter that “the only way I can perform with an adult woman as long as my mind on a little girl”. How disgusting is it? And he still trying to convince me that he wants me? It’s just no way I can believe it.

    Just like other ladies were saying here, I am feeling love and hate for him. For a long time, I couldn’t understand how it’s even possible. But lately, I feel that my love is dissolving more and more. I hate him more than I love him now. Although, this is not the way to live, and I am not hateful person, and I didn’t like that I actually living with someone I started to despise. Maybe my heart is finally syncing with my mind. God, I hope so.

    I hate that he is so content with everything right now, and seems like is not pain at all, and he doesn’t really care if I leave; he is basically said to me: “This issue will never go away, my attraction to the little girls always will be there. I am not going to act on it, but the attraction part is unchangeable. No therapy can fix this.” Basically, “I have to take it or leave it”. It hurts because I wasn’t signing up for any of it, I didn’t plan to get a divorce when I got married, I didn’t plan to make these choices.

    I hate that everyone around him thinks he is the best, they think I am the luckiest woman. No one knows this dark side of him, not his family, not his friends, not our kids. He didn’t tell about his issue to anyone. When I have a bad day, no one knows why I am really feeling down, they just see me as a depressed person. But I have reasons to feel this way! Sometimes I feel like I want to shout out to everyone around him, the truth, about the real him. I am so tired to carry it inside me, and pretend. I am so tired and angry for all of the pain he caused me. I hate going places with him, because the little girls are everywhere, I know he is looking at them, and it always giving me an anxiety. Logically I understand that this is not the way to live, it’s just suffering. And I am hoping that soon I can be strong enough to leave him, and leave all of this behind. All of this took too much of me. I liked to read from ladies who already made this step and left their pedophile husbands; it somehow giving me hope that it is possible, I can do this too. These addicts are the most self-centered, manipulative, and draining people.

    Thank you for reading..
    Love to you all.

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