Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

*     *     *

Letter from the wife of a pedophile explaining why she stayed and how she finally got out. Encouragement for other wives of child molesters.

*     *     *

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

*     *     *

Some of you may have read the following comment from last night, but it just will not leave my mind.  A courageous woman, Anon 3,  who was married to a pedophile reached out to address the wives of pedophiles involved in the Sovereign Grace Ministries lawsuit.  Her words were beautiful and gave hope.  In a later comment, she said that this was the very first time she had disclosed it publicly and felt that maybe God was prompting her to do so.   I, too, feel compelled to make Anon 3’s comment into a post in order to reach a wider audience via internet searches and so it will not be merely buried in the comments area.

PHOTO

To those who have stopped by via an internet search on this topic, welcome.  You may be in a very difficult place.  No one knows the path each individual takes.  Some agonize for months and even years on whether to stay or whether to go.  On this blog, we talk a lot about spiritual abuse, but haven’t delved into the topic of what it is like to be married to a pedophile.  I happen to know a wife who is married to a pedophile and has remained married to him.  Although she would say things are fine, when I look at their marriage, I do not see that.  I see pain and emotional distance.  There is no intimacy, but two people living two separate lives.  She never got the courage to leave and it has taken its toll on the entire family, including extended family.  But she believes that she has made the right decision.

No one can make that decision for anyone else.  It comes with a cost.  That might be why Anon 3’s comment struck me profoundly.  This brave woman chose a difficult path of leaving the familiar behind and venturing out on her own with her children.  Her words speak for themselves.  If you are the wife of a pedophile, know that as I type these words, my prayers are with you  – – that you will be able to make the best decision for you and your family and that you will also continue to surround yourself with safe and loving support from friends/family who care.  You should not have to be alone in this process whether you decide to stay or leave.  ~Julie Anne

*     *     *

A Letter from the Wife of a Child Molester

I actually do feel compassion for the perpetrator’s families. And I have a message for the wives:

I want you to know how sorry I am about your situation – both for you and your children.

You are not the only Christian woman who married a pedophile. I did too. I left him more than a decade ago because I knew that someday I would end up on headline news, just as you have. I am so sorry for the embarrassment and humiliation you’ve suffered.

Each of us makes our own decision. I stayed a long time with my husband too. I’m probably about your age. I hoped that my love would fill that empty place in his heart. It didn’t. I had fasted and prayed during my entire marriage. We tried years of counseling and even an in-patient treatment center. My husband got a masters in marriage and family therapy from a Christian university. It didn’t help.

One day, I found out about a new incident, and I realized I had to get out for the sake of my children and everyone around us.

I felt the Lord saying, “You are like a bird in a cage. But see? I have opened the door. You may fly out or stay in. But that door won’t open again.”

I flew out. And I am so happy I did. I asked my husband to leave – exhibiting a strength and toughness I never knew I had. I got him out of my home, out of my church, out of my neighborhood, and out of my town. I did not hate him; but I knew he was a walking disaster area.

Yes, the first couple of years were hard financially, but God was faithful. My children suffered at first, but they have turned out as lovely whole people. They are winners in every sense: personally, academically, and spiritually. They don’t have the level of damage in their lives that their father does. They love him but see his limits. I told them the truth when they turned 21. (They hadn’t been victims themselves and hadn’t known.)

I want to give you hope that if you want to fly out the open door, that life is wonderful out here. Yes, you will hurt a lot for a year, maybe two. But the joy of living without the burden of a pedophile in your life is incredible.

• I thought God could never use me again. But he has.
• I thought I would never be in ministry again. But I am — even more than before.
• I thought people at church would condemn me. But they didn’t. They surrounded me with love.
• I thought I would never be financially solid again. But I am. In fact I have 10 times the assets I did when I was married, and my retirement is nearly fully funded.
• I thought I was disqualified for God’s best. But I know now I am a daughter of the Lord, and am blessed.
• I thought my children would be damaged and hopelessly dysfunctional. They aren’t. They tell me that they feel the same as everyone else. In fact, they look at their friends’ mothers and see a lot more dysfunction there.
• I thought I would never have any honor. I’ve been put on many corporate and non-profit boards and served in far more leadership positions in church than I did when I was married.
• My children are proud of me for what I did.

I hope this has given you hope.

Whatever you decide, the choice is truly yours. I am thrilled I was set free. My life is incredibly happy. There are much worse things in this world than divorce.

*     *     *

Update 7/27/13:  Even though this blog post is not current, the comments are being followed by others whose lives have been affected by pedophilia.  Feel free to reach out in the comment section (using a pseudonym is perfectly fine).  I keep all e-mail addresses strictly confidential.  

If you are struggling with the fact that your spouse/family member or close acquaintance is a pedophile and need help, please let me know.  I will try to find help/resources for you.  I have been in touch with others  behind the scenes gathering resources on this subject.  

You must know that you are not alone.  There are many wives/families who have walked your journey and would love to reach out to you.  ~Julie Anne

521 comments on “Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

  1. Hi i am also a pedophile wife
    My husband confess all to me and he ask me to help him to cure that sick..
    He molest my own niece
    And no one of my family member know that except me.. I dont what him to put in jail but i want him to hel him cured.. What should i do?
    Im a filipino citizen.. Im not good in english so i hope you understand what i mean and i hope you help me about my situation..
    This is my biggest problem now pls i need your advice

    Like

  2. The police opened my bird cage door for me 2 years ago. My separation with my fiance and sons father was forced. His crimes were severely damaging. He has begun contacting me recently for the first time. I’m very hesitant as my instinct is to love him and welcome his return into our lives residually for our 3 year old who didn’t know his dad (not even that he has one) I’m fearful though of his underlying motives, possible lies, and simple short comings. I worry that if I get involved again we will never be free from harm again.

    Like

  3. I recently found out after 11years of marriage, 12 years being together, that my husband molested my daughter for years starting shortly after we were married. I immediately reported it and he is now in jail. However, I still love him. We were at the point of seperating and possibly filing for divorce when I found out. He was having an affair and said he was leaving me. I was desperately trying to hold on and save my marriage and then I find out about what he did. How do I forgive myself for not knowing all this time and how do I rid myself of still loving him??

    Desperate and confused

    Like

  4. Dear Jhoy,

    I am sorry for the pain that you are living through. Unfortunately, there is no cure for pedophilia and it is very resistant to treatment. You cannot cure what you did not create and you absolutely cannot control it. The most loving thing you can do for your husband is to turn him in to the police and to tell your family what he has done. Secrets make you part of the problem. He will molest again because he cannot control himself.

    Please protect yourself and the children in your life by notifying the police. We are here to stand with you.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  5. Dear Single Mom,

    Please do not let this man back into you and your son’s lives. You are absolutely right to suspect his motives. Trust your gut! So many times we discount what our gut is telling us but it is so often right. You and your son will be at risk if you let him back in. Of course you still love him–he is your son’s father. But he will hurt again, you will be in harm’s way and most importantly, your son will be victimized–maybe not sexually but certainly emotionally.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  6. Dear Desperate and Confused,

    Those two words so accurately describe the state of mind and heart that we find ourselves in upon learning that we are married to a pedophile. Let’s look at the facts that you wrote about: he was having an affair and he molested your daughter. You absolutely did the right thing by reporting him to the police!

    Of course you still love him. It takes the heart a while to catch up with the head sometimes. You spent 12 years with this man and anticipated a long future with him. Sometimes after the drama of arrest, trial, etc. is over we get lonely and look at the past with our perpetrating partner through rose-colored glasses. Take them off. Re-read the police reports if it helps.

    Forgiving yourself is so much harder. What helped me was this note from a child pornography victim. You can find it at: http://brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com/search?q=falene

    The partner is often the last to know. One of the horrendous things about this disease is the believability of the perpetrator! They are master manipulators, deceivers and can molest in plain sight. You had no way of knowing–none at all. You are part of a rather large community of women who were deceived by their partners. You are not weak, naive or stupid. You simply believed what your husband led you to believe. You cannot know what you do not know. As hard as it is, let yourself off the hook.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  7. I need help. My daughter just told her boyfriend that her father is messing with her sexually. The boyfriend told me. Should I confront him in the present of family members? What can I do? My heart is broken.

    Like

  8. Hi Mercy,

    How old is your daughter? Have you had a chance to talk with your daughter to verify this? If she is a minor, please report to authorities and let them investigate. I’m very sorry you are dealing with this heart-breaking news.

    Like

  9. I read the article. I’m afraid to file for divorce. My husband has been gone three years, but I’m afraid to file for fear of repercussions from his family. I’ve never trusted them but the feeling is stronger now.

    Like

  10. Dear Mercy,

    I am so sorry that you have heard this devastating news. I agree completely with Julie Anne–report it to the authorities and let them do the investigation. Do not try to confront him in the presence of a family member. The last thing you want to do is contaminate the evidence or give him notice that you know. Contact the police and cooperate with them.

    Find a therapist who specializes in dealing with partners and victims of perpetrators and get your daughter into therapy. You will need to find a supportive community to help you as well, including a therapist. I recommend S-Anon, a 12-step program for partners of sex addicts for you. You will find an incredibly supportive group of women (and a few men) who understand what you are dealing with and who can provide you with the support you need. I also recommend a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) for you and for your daughter.

    Again, I am so sorry that you and your daughter are in this nightmare. You do not deserve it, you did not cause it (she certainly did not “entice” him) and neither of you can control it. If you want to connect privately, let Julie Anne know and she will reach out to you.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  11. Hello! I am really unsure of my husband since we had our daughter. I have this gut feeling that he is a pedophile, but I have no proof of any sort and I don’t know what to do. I have seen him have an erection during her bath time twice in the past couple years. I confronted him the second time and he gave some dumb excuse so I began bathing her. She doesn’t like him to change her diapers or clothes and never has (she’s 2 and a half now). Today we went to a pool party for her friends birthday and I swear he had an erection again! I’m not one to jump to conclusions, but this is really concerning Me! I just don’t have a good feeling about this! Any advice would be so greatly appreciated because I am completely lost right now :,(

    Like

  12. Dear W.S.,

    I agree that this is a confusing situation and one to be concerned about. I am so sorry; I very much know the pain, confusion and fear that you are no doubt feeling. I encourage you to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and get some professional help. You can do that here: https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

    Right now you need information and you need professional support. You daughter’s safety depends on it. Again, I am so sorry for this nightmare.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  13. I guess I am here because for years I have been confused about the reaction I received from my aunt when I finally confronted her about her husband molesting me. It was not the reaction I expected and it has always haunted me…
    After reading this I think I came to the realization that she knew all along. Looking back, I was so afraid to break her heart. I was 19. I had kept my secret for years to protect her and my cousins. To be honest, i don’t believe I ever planned to expose the man until one night my baby sister confessed to me that he had molested her. She was 13.

    Our parents were devastated when we told them. We decided not to contact the authorities until we could bring the issue up with our poor aunt first. Ironic that every step taken was to protect her yet when the moment was finally there, I’m standing face to face with her, there was no shock, no surprise, as if she knew what I was going to say just like I knew what my sister was going to say that night. 

    There was no pain or betrayal on her face…
    She emotionless, she said ” And what am I supposed to do? Leave him?” “I’ll lose the house!” “Why would my husband do it with you in my house when he can do it with 12 year olds overseas whenever he wants?”  “Why say anything? I was molested as a young girl and I didn’t say anything!” “Your sister? She’s a sassy girl that asks for attention ! ”
    The last thing she did was hug me, tell me things will be different now and it’ll be the last time we see each other. It was a tender hug. Definitely something I will never forget much less make up. Unfortunately, I was made out to be delusional in court by the opposing side. I was made out to be the crazy big sister that lied to prove my sister’s story. But that’s the furthest thing from the truth. I used to try to imagine how different things would be if I had only had the courage to scream and expose him to her that night. My sister would have never been hurt. But now I see that my aunt knew. She was either watching silently or she was playing oblivious. But would she ever admit that? What would it take?
    I can only pray that my sister was his last but with him still in the military and with a wife that is fine with him hurting children in other countries… Who knows right?
    I’ve gotten used to the idea that there will never be justice. Now, this article gave me a strange sense of hope. Hope that one day my aunt will repent and the guilt will be too heavy for her to bear. I hope the truth comes out through her. And I hope that this happens before he harms another child.

    Like

  14. Dear HeartsDominique,

    Thank you for having the courage to speak up on this post and to tell your story, It is important for those of us who had the misfortune of marrying a pedophile to hear. I am so sorry that your aunt did not support you and your sister and that you found no justice. My belief and hope is that your aunt is the anomaly rather than the rule. Certainly the wives of pedophiles that I know do not fit her mold. We were/are horrified by our partners’ actions and cooperate fully with law enforcement. Our goal is the protection of children everywhere, often at great personal expense.

    Having said that, I do have compassion for your aunt–I do not condone her behavior at all but I understand the dilemma she faces. No one wins when a pedophile is in the family–certainly not the victims, nor the family members. When exposed, the family loses honor and often financial stability but that in no way compares to what the victim loses. Everyone suffers–in different ways–but suffers.

    My prayer is that you and your sister can find healing in the realization that not all partners of pedophiles collude or help the perpetrator continue to victimize innocent children. Most of us do all we can do to protect and defend the innocent. Your pain is an ever-present horror to us as we try to reconcile our partner’s deviant and criminal behavior with the man we thought we married.

    I know I speak for many of us when I say that I am so sorry for the pain you experienced as a child and continue to experience as an adult because of your victimization by a pedophile.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  15. Hello, my name is Bella. I was married for 13 years with a narcissist, manipulative, alcoholic pedophile. In the last year of our marriage he sexually abused my sister’s daughter (6 years old and 11 years old at the time). I divorced him 5 years ago, but it feels like I have PTSD. I keep having flash backs. I had therapy but it didn’t help. My own mother tells me to get over it, but it’s like my brain is stuck in this period of my life and even though I do not love him anymore, the pain is still there…

    Like

  16. Bella,

    So sorry for what you are going through. With PTSD you dont just get over it. I have struggled with PTSD as well and for me the best outcome has been working with a trauma therapist who has a good understanding of trauma but also sex addiction. For me, EMDR therapy has been the most helpful to clear flashbacks. Cognitive Behavior Therapy doesn’t typically work on this type of trauma. Your family probably means well but they have no idea what it feels like to have PTSD. It’s not something you can just decide to get rid of. There are a lot of tools a good therapist can teach you to deal with the triggers but something like EMDR or similar brain-body work can actually get rid of the triggers or make them less severe.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Dear Renewal,

    I agree completely with slcoleman–talk therapy does not help much with PTSD. EMDR and other treatment modalities are incredibly helpful. I recommend a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist who works with partners. CSAT therapists are trauma-focused but also well informed on sex addiction, pedophilia, etc. The pain you have and are experiencing is unique and requires someone uniquely trained to help. You can search for a therapist in your area at: https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

    In the meantime, please know that you are not alone, you did not cause this and could not control or cure it.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  18. Anon 3 this post was the first light in my confusion and darkness.

    God opened the cage door and I took the chance to spread my wings and fly free with my precious babies.
    He is now in prison until my baby girls are adults and we a liberated to live a life free from lies, deception and abuse.
    Thank you for speaking your truth… God bless

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Liberty Laughter, thank you so much for your comment. I’m thrilled for you and your children. What a difficult thing you did!

    You’re story will certainly be an encouragement to others who read here.

    Grace and peace!
    I

    Like

  20. I discovered that my ex is Facebook friends, under an alias but with a picture of himself, and all of his “friends” are 12-year-old Filipino girls from the most sex-trafficked places in the Philippines. They call him “Daddy” and he calls them by their webcam names and leaves comments like “smokin hot” on their pictures. We divorced one year ago after I discovered his porn, Craigslist, stranger sex. He spent all of our savings of 20 years on a webcam girl. He sexually molested his younger sister for eight years, beginning when she was six. He is 56 and his family knew about his sister and never told me. My daughter was six when we met. I discovered all of this after the divorce. I feel like I should do something but I don’t know what

    Like

  21. Hi Roaring,

    I’m glad you shared here and asked such an important question. Sometimes being connected with a pedophile can leave you emotionally exhausted and even confused. If he is or has participated in illegal activity, you must report him to authorities. That is the right thing to do before he harms others.

    Did he sexually harm your daughter?

    Like

  22. Hi Roaring,

    Wow, this is disturbing. I am sorry that you have had this horrendous experience. I wonder, was your husband prosecuted for any of his crimes? If so, you might send screen shots to his probation officer and/or the county prosecutor.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  23. Hello, my name is Margie and my home was surprise raised by homeland security yesterday morning. My husband and I were separated into two rooms and questioned about our electronics and computers in our home. This was a shock and very scary. He had taken a photo off of social media and sent to an individual who was busted for child pornography in another country and was saying they were going away for the weekend. He told me he was just bored and things got out of hand. But homeland security raid? There have been many other heavy bombs financially and odd situations he always seems to justify reasonable exlination for. He did go to our church and speak to a counselor, but I am unsure if I can go back home and act as is everything’s normal. We have 2 kiddos in college and they are out of the home. My question is, is it a sin to say enough is enough? I have given grace through the goodness of our Father and forgave as I have to for me. When do you know it’s Gods plan to leave a depraved situation? I have been married for 21 years and I had hopes that we could get through anything together with Gods grace, love and provision. Thank you!

    Like

  24. I’m in a similar situation. I’ve made a horrible mistake and married a pedophile. I have no concrete proof, and if I leave him, he’ll be granted unsupervised visitation with my children, boy (7) and girl (4 months). I have no money, no job (due to health issues), no family or friends or support system of any kind. I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do. I feel I must stay and be hypervigilant and never allow him alone with my children because if I leave, he’ll have unsupervised access to them, at a minimum. Any advice?

    Like

  25. Dear Margie and Scaredsickmomof4,
    I apologize for the delay in responding to your posts; we like to do better than this but life has been complicated and busy.

    Margie, I can imagine that the Homeland Security raid was very frightening and shocking. I know mine was and it was not Homeland Security! Let me say that I do not believe this raid would have occurred if your husband’s involvement had just been one picture. Perpetrators deny, minimize, distort, gaslight and outright lie to cover their behavior. The raid had to result from something more sinister than just one or two social media pictures. You indicated that there have been other odd things that have impacted your financial security and physical safety. When is enough enough? NOW! It is not a sin to get yourself to safety. Your children need a safe harbor in one parent and their father clearly is not one. God cares more for individuals than He does for institutions (marriage, church, etc.)

    Scaredsick, your situation is heartbreaking in that you have no proof and you have young children. I’m going to ask Anonymous2 to weigh in on your situation because she has more experience with this.

    Hugs to both of you!
    Brenda

    Like

  26. Margie,

    It’s okay to say “enough is enough” now. You have given many chances, offered a lot of forgiveness, and been trusting over and over. But your trust has not been deserved. Rather, your trust has been betrayed repeatedly. He’s given excuses and iies to cover up his behavior. After 21 years, it’s time to sadly conclude that he does not have what it takes to be a good man and an honorable husband. Homeland Security has been watching and they know your husband for what he is. You are free to go.

    -Anon3

    Like

  27. ScaredSickMomOf4,

    I’m sorry for what you are going through. You need to listen to your intuition in this matter. You are right, you need to get him out. I know it’s very difficult when you feel that all options are blocked, but I believe you can do it.

    I know a woman who is disabled with 3 children, who has a disabled relative living with her too. She was able to get her husband out of the house, divorce him, and survive financially. She is very happy today, four years later!

    I know it feels nearly impossible to get out, but I would like to challenge you to create a 90-Day Escape Plan.

    I would recommend you get out a piece of paper and figure out how you could start a new life without your husband. It might take several weeks to get this information together. Give yourself 90 days—in other words, collect this information by January 31, 2018.

    • 1. Bank accounts – Make copies of last 6 months of bank statements. Get the login/passwords. ATM card and pin if possible.

    • 2. Credit cards – Make copies of the last 6 months of credit card statements. Make a list of all credit card numbers, expiration dates, and CCVs.
 I have seen credit card companies open new cards for people who are in abusive or dangerous situations. They don’t advertise it, but I’ve seen it done.

    • 3. Mail delivery – Start sending some of your mail to a private mail box or maybe to a family/friend’s house.

    
• 4. Mobile phone – Call the mobile phone company anonymously (not from your cell phone) and ask tell them you are in an abusive situation with a husband who is a danger to your kids. Ask if they have any kind of plan for women in your situation.

    
• 5. Making photocopies of all his legal documents and important bills: social security card, drivers license, last 3 years of tax returns, paycheck stubs, loan documents, phone bills, mortgage payments, rent payments, employment contracts, 401(k), retirement funds, IRAs etc.

    
• 6. Stockpile cash – Start hiding money away.


    • 7. Start telling trusted people the truth and find a network of friends who will help you. If they don’t believe you, that is not your problem, just move on and find those who do.


    • 8. Stay connected with us on this blog…or join the forum.

    Finally, it’s important to pray for strength and pray about timing. When it is time to go, the Lord will tell you … and will give you strength.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. I just found out that my husband is addicted to child porn and even took pictures of our young daughter without her knowing it. He is in jail right now and I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to go get a divorce. Both of my children cry for him everyday because they miss him. I miss him too and I feel like that’s the wing emotion to have. But we had such a wonderful marriage.

    Like

  29. Hi Hurting and Confused, I see why you are hurting and confused. And I’m so sorry to hear that you and your children are dealing with this.

    The marriage you thought you had was a fraud. Your marriage wasn’t wonderful because it was based on dishonesty and despicable sexual crimes against God’s most vulnerable – children. You have the opportunity thru divorce to model for your children the reality of your marriage and your family, which is the truth that your children need to know. I’m going to pass along your message to Brenda and Anonymous3, too, so they can respond. Again, I’m so sorry. No wife/family should have to deal with this.

    Like

  30. Dear Hurting&Confused03,

    I am so sorry for pain that you and your children are experiencing–it is brutal but you will recover as will they. The torn feelings that you have are quite common–we have all experienced them because they are based on a bond that is incredibly strong. One of the hardest things I had to come to terms with was the acceptance that my ex-husband did not feel the same way about me and our children as we did about him. He still sees us as extensions of himself–not as unique individuals with opinions and feelings that do not originate in him. And he still feels that he is the victim.

    You are not alone and neither are your children. Julie Anne is right,you have the opportunity to model strength,resiliency and a better view of marriage for your children. I encourage you to find a qualified therapist for all of you and to join a recovery group. You will find individuals who can help you along this journey to recovery.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  31. I’m writing to say thanks for the responses I did receive from other readers. While I appreciate the 90 day challenge someone listed, it really doesn’t address my main concern. I can leave my husband. I can probably find some way to support my kids. My concern is HOW DO I KEEP HIM FROM HAVING UNSUPERVISED ACCESS TO MY CHILDREN when I have no proof? Am I supposed to just let him abuse them enough to get evidence? I need to PREVENT it!

    Like

  32. I am 77 and my husband, 75, was arrested for internet child pornograhy. Only married 18 years and me having no children and no living close relatives to help take care of me, I am having a hate/love for him, and don’t want to have sex at all. I need him to help with basic living. He is going to therapy, but I don’t believe he ever will get over it. We moved, lost our friends, and I have depression and high anxiety. If I were younger, I would leave. I have the best military insurance being with him, so I don’t want a divorce. He hasn’t been sentenced yet. He won’t tell his family, and that is hard for me too. I am devastated and don’t know what to do. If he goes to jail for over 60 days, he loses most of his income, which makes me having to pay credit cards of about $30,000, and a heafty law suit from a bad investment. I am the only one with assets and can’t pay it all myself without losing my capital, which supports me. I make too much money to get any of his income. I need support of some kind.

    Like

  33. @Scaredsickmomof4: The only thing I can suggest is to get Child Protective Services (or whatever the agency name is in your state that deals with the safety of children) involved and let them know exactly what you are telling us. Otherwise, you may not have any legal backing because of lack of evidence. Side note: how do you know he is a pedophile if you have no concrete proof?

    Like

  34. @Scaredsickmomof4:

    Have you contacted a family law attorney yet?

    If not, you need to do so immediately. And ask what the options are in your state.

    Why can’t you take your children with you if you leave?

    I think there’s more to this story. What else should we know?

    Like

  35. I am married to a man who is a pedophile but has never acted on it. He has not hurt anyone but has confessed to me that he struggles with an attraction to young girls. He tells me he wants to seek therapy and to stop his urges but I do not know how to help him. It terrifies me as we have children. I do not know how to react to him and I do not know what to do in this situation.

    Like

  36. I am 77 and just found out my husband was downloading pictures of child pronography on his computer. The police caught him and he’s facing years in prison. It is very unnerving for me to think about having sex with him because of what he’s thinking about or what may think about. He is going to some therapy and I we haven’t gone to court yet. I sympathize with you. If he has not acted on it I think a lot of these men lined up looking at pornography on the internet and it kind of leaves them down the path to things like that. I don’t know what to do about mine either. I do go to S Anon and there is sexaholics anonymous where where my husband goes so I hope you can find some peace somewhere. You can contact me if you like at Carla Carla 2323 at yahoo.com. It’s good to have someone to talk to, because I’ve lost most of my friends and we’ve had to move. I now have some good friends in my SMS on group. I hope you find one for yourself.

    Like

  37. Dear Carla and Sandy,

    Sandy, I am so sorry for this horrible place you find yourself in. Please know that you are not alone, that you did not cause this, cannot cure it or control it. If your husband is a pedophile, he will need long-term, specialized treatment and a determination to participate with recovery to the fullest extent. The prognosis for recovery is not hopeful, I’m afraid. This urge is akin to a sexual orientation and is very resistant to change. You have children and they are at risk, don’t minimize this. I know it is horrendous to entertain the notion that he could molest but that is exactly what you need to think about. Get help for yourself first! Find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) who specializes in working with partners, go to S-Anon and reach out. This is a serious problem and it won’t go away. You are welcome to email me directly through my blog (click on my hyper-linked name, my email address is at the top right-hand column of my blog).

    Carla, thank you for reaching out in a redemptive fashion to Sandy. I am happy that you have garnered a community of support for yourself. I know it is challenging at this stage of life to discover something of this magnitude and I am proud of your proactive work in advocating and caring for yourself.

    Hug,
    Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  38. @Ms Ann,

    I don’t have concrete proof, meaning I don’t have screenshots of messages or proof of ages on his computer and I haven’t caught him in the act. I was a counselor at a group home for girls several years ago. The group home encouraged us to bring our families to outings as it provided a more “family oriented” feel to children in an institutional facility. My husband was friendly with the girls there, even friending them on Facebook. It’s many years later, and some of those girls who were 12, 13, 14 then are now adults. They’ve contacted me and expressed that when they were young, my husband had sent inappropriate messages to them. Things like, “What kind of underwear do you wear?” Or “What gets your panties wet?”. But I don’t have copies of these msgs. A former friend of his says they caught him looking at child pornography once when he was using his laptop at their home. Another former friend of his has two daughters who were molested and taken from her when they were 3 & 4. Her 12 yr old son (at the time) was in the house with my husband and those girls alone on several occasions when my husband was babysitting them. The son is grown now and says he believes he saw my husband doing inappropriate things with the girls. My best friend of 25 years has a 13 yr old daughter who my husband Snapchatted and asked ” What’s your dirtiest fantasy?”. But the nature of Snapchat is such that as soon as a msg is read, it’s auto deleted, is my understanding. I have no concrete proof. But I have a ton of anecdotal testimony from several sources.

    Like

  39. @anon3,

    I have gotten an attorney in the last month. I’ve filed for divorce. I can leave and take my children (we’re actually being evicted now because he cut us off completely, financially, when I filed for divorce and our court date to force support until the divorce is final isn’t until mid-March). But what has always been my fear is that he has rights to visitation, as their father. And unless I have concrete proof that he’s a danger to them, his visitation will be unsupervised, which gives him ample opportunity to abuse my children, with no one there to protect them. I don’t have the resources to run and hide until they’re grown (which is also ILLEGAL!).

    Like

  40. I divorced my ex husband when my two sons were 4 and 5. I loved the man dearly when we married. After our children arrived, I suspected pedophilia but real evidence (like catching them in the act or him confessing) never came forth. All I would ever get was “I would never hurt them”. Well, not all acts from pedophiles hurt, I thought. I came from an abusive childhood and witnessed horrific acts on my sister and I was the target of the more subtle manipulation as was my other sister. So I am familiar. It was in his strange actions, secrets, and in my gut.

    The man remarried shortly after our divorce and the boys would go there for summer and winter break. I couldn’t stop it due to child custody rules. My younger son came to me at about 8 or 10 and said in a very innocent way, that “something use to happen, but they don’t do that anymore.”

    Eventually, the boys stopped wanting to go during his time-share and we found every excuse in the world so they didn’t have to go visit. As time went on, he would demand that since he was paying child support that he had every right to see his children and when they chose to stop going there, he stopped paying child support. Coincidentally, he then moved to another state and got a job around younger children. And then 2 years later a job with even younger kids. The age where I thought it was happening to my kids (4/5).

    When the boys were both around 16, and were asking about why I divorced him, I told them the truth. I told them that (among other things) I thought that he was molesting the older boy, but that there was never any solid evidence to prove it. I told them about some of the evidence that I felt warranted my decisions and let them give their feedback. I told them that they would need to listen to their gut about weather they felt like he was genuine or being manipulative. I taught them how to recognize a person who is lying or trying to be manipulative and to listen and watch him for these ques and red flags and to trust their gut. I encouraged them to know him for who he is and as time went on, they chose to distance themselves from him.

    My boys are now 18 and 20. The 20 hear old wants nothing to do at all with his father and the 18 year old is avoiding him and has said that he doesn’t think he is ready to block him out from his life forever just yet. I explained to my older 20 year old son, that he needs to reconcile his feelings with his father so he can move on in his heart and in his mind.

    Today, I explained to the 18 year old that his father is asking why they don’t answer, but that I didn’t know what to say and that on one I feel guilty and on the other hand I don’t owe him any kind of explanation. The way I see it, the man all but abandoned them, save for the couple of weeks time-sharing he had with them in their younger years, when they were under 10 and a Friday night phone call. No visits to band concerts, no help with looking for their first cars, no fishing trips, no financial support to help finance their needs, no actual actions or activities that would have constituted forming a real father son bond with them. On the other hand, he is their father.

    I found out a couple of years ago, that about 5 years ago, he was been diagnosed with psychosis and paranoid schizophrenia and is on medication and acts even more odd on the meds than he was before. Nothing the man has ever done with them had any depth. Now, they are 18 and 20 (10-15 years later) he is texting and trying to contact them almost non-stop and texting me regularly asking why they won’t respond to his calls, emails and texts. How am I suppose to manage that? On one hand, I feel like he doesn’t deserve their love and attention because he never had the capacity to give it to them and that he may have sexually abused one or both. On the other hand I feel guilty.

    The boys, by the way have turned out awesome. Both are responsible. The older boy is struggling with transgender identity (which i am sure your christian community will have a cow over) but is awesome just the same. So there you have it. That’s my story.

    At the moment I am struggling with guilt and confusion with how to help them with how they should respond to their father’s attempts to coerce them into having a father son relationship with them even though he has never really been there for them.

    Like

  41. Jane,

    I think you’re a great mother and your grown children are lucky to have you. (And you are lucky to have such awesome kids!)

    I agree, your kids should make their own decision. They do not need to have contact, either now or ever, with their pedophile father.

    And for him to pester, harass, and shame them to call him shows how dangerous he is. (In my mind, the appropriate response to narcissists/sociopaths/dangerous people is no response whatsoever.)

    My oldest doesn’t have contact with her father. My youngest does, but has very good boundaries. Once they were over 16, it was their choice, and I said nothing. Some people have the emotional armor to be around people pedophiles — others do not.

    Whenever my ex-husband asked why the kids weren’t returning his calls, I just said, “I gave them your message. It’s up to them. They are grown now.” End of conversation.

    You’ve done a great job supporting and caring. (And tell your kids we’re proud of them.)

    I hope everyone connected to a pedophile reads this and finds the courage to get their children away from a self-absorbed person. Protecting kids from harm and giving them a fresh start as early as possible makes the healing faster and easier.

    -Anon3

    Liked by 1 person

  42. Hi Jane, I’m so glad you reached out here. Thank you for trusting us with your story. I’m sorry that you’ve had difficulty with your ex-husband. I want to assure you that you will get no judging here about your son struggling with transgender identity. That’s not what we are her for. Your son is precious in God’s sight and he is loved with an everlasting love.

    Like

  43. i recently discovered pornographic pictures hidden in a secret file in my husbands laptop. He insisted he deleted them all and we began counseling. I deided to get back on his laptop to make sure they were deleted, when to my dismay, I discovered within those deleted pics were also numerous pics of young girls we know. Many of them were of one particular girl. I am completely shattered.Why would those pics be in that deleted file unless he was hiding something? Now Im frightened and dont know just how to approach this. I somehow kept feeling he was still hiding something from me and when I asked, he insisted he revealed everything to me. He is best friends of the father of one of the girls in the pics. Do I turn him in to friends and family, or just say something to him myself? Either way, this must be addressed and Im so lost as to where to go.

    Like

  44. Hi Michele,

    Wow – I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can see why you are shattered.

    I would not recommend you turn him in to friends/family, OR that you speak to him about this. The most important thing right now is that you notify authorities. This is for your protection, Do not remove any photos, just leave the laptop as is.

    I have alerted Brenda and Anon3 about your note. Would it be okay if one of them contacts you via e-mail? They are the experts on these kinds of cases and know how to best help you. Just leave a comment and let us know the best way to connect with you: by e-mail or here on the blog. I can also connect you to the online private forum where you can read stories of other women who have gone through what you have gone through.

    Again, I’m so sorry for the difficulty you are facing. Brenda and Anon3 can help you. You don’t need to do this by yourself. You can see from this post that there are many, many wives just like you!

    I look forward to hearing from you again.
    (or you can contact me privately at spiritualsb@gmail.com).

    Like

  45. Michele,

    Child porn laws are very strict. Even possessing a child porn image — whether a sexual act occurred or not — is illegal.

    Because you know about the child porn on your husband’s computer and have actually looked at it, you must now report it to the authorities. (I put the link below.) It is possible that the authorities are already watching your husband’s online behavior.

    You need to report the child porn to the police or you too could be liable.
    Do not share, show anyone, print, or make copies of the image(s). Don’t even email them or print them out to the authorities.
    Do not discard the image(s) until directed to do so by law enforcement. When directed to do so by law enforcement, ensure the image is permanently destroyed. (18 USC § 2258B) Ask them how to destroy it.
    Limit the number of people who may view the image. (18 USC § 2258B) In other words, don’t show the images to anyone.

    The secure URL to submit National Center for Missing and Exploited Children CyberTipline reports is: https://report.cybertip.org/ You can make the report anonymously if you like.

    -Anon3

    Like

  46. Yes, that is so important, Anon3. Thank you.
    Michele, Anon3 is absolutely correct. This truly is for your protection! I’ve been thinking of you this morning. I know you have a lot to think about.

    Like

  47. My brother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. As these people get older, this disease gets worse, and there is no cure, only management. He used to hide it well. They can seem normal for a short time. He is not a pedophile, but you should know about his mental disease. I am 77 and he is 74, and I have him in a home since 2010, semi lock up. They have delusions, just like the movie “A Beautiful Mind”. Regarding pedophilia, my husband was caught via the computer looking at child porn and is facing jail time, 5 years per picture, and because he shared it, it is a second degree felony. He is 75, and I am stressed out myself. Hope you can enjoy your life and your children by moving on.

    Like

  48. I am 39 and a mother of 4. I suffer from anxiety, depression, bi-polar, ptsd among other things. I suffered sexual abuse from the age of 9-15, when I eventually told only because my abuser was literally on his way to “get me” to kidnap and marrying me in Mexico. I had never told before only due to my abuser telling me how nobody would believe me and how I would disappoint my mother. He showered me with extravagant gifts and took me on lovely excursions instead of school. After the birth of my sister a few years after my abuse started I “promised” that I would continue as long as she was never made to do these things. This all happened in the early 90’s. After several suicide attempts I realized my mother would never leave him even after he had confessed. I have felt my entire life that she chose herself over her children. HE NEVER DID TOUCH MY SISTER. However just this past week she expressed to me that she is having to seek counseling for the weight of all of this, although she has been aware many years. My heart feels like it is breaking with every breath. To any Mothers who stay or are thinking of staying…PLEASE CHOOSE YOUR CHILD! PLEASE CHOOSE THE PERSON YOU GAVE LIFE TOO! It is hard enough to go through healing. TOO heavy of a cross to ask your child bare.

    Like

  49. Hello. I am so glad to find this site, and I am so happy to find out that I am not alone in this. My heart goes to every lady in this chain of the comments, because I know exactly how they feel.. For a long time now, over 5 years, since I found out that “truth” about my husband, I feel like I’m loosing my mind; it has been a rollercoaster of the emotions: anger, depression, fear, low self esteem, even suicidal thoughts. It took me a while to understand that it has nothing to do with me, I didn’t cause this, and as many other ladies said, we can’t “fix” this problem for our husbands/partners. I knew my husband for 3 years before we got married, there were no indications of his attraction to the little girls, otherwise I would in no absolute way marry him. Especially since I had a 9 year old daughter at a time. His “favorite” age category is 5-12. That’s why I felt like I got into this marriage blindfolded, I felt, and unfortunately still, feel trapped, for several reasons. But today, after dealing with it for over 5 years, I am closer than ever to get out.

    One year into marriage, everything crushed on me; after we started living together, started sensing that something was off about him, but I didn’t have any proof. One day, I borrowed his flash drive (it was laying next to his computer), to save and print out one of our wedding pictures. I took this flash drive to the local store, plugged it in, and the next thing I saw is hundreds and hundreds of pictures started popping up on a screen, pictures of little girls, naked, half naked, you name it.. I thought I got hit by a lightning, I froze. Not to mention, I was standing in the middle of the store, and I realized that someone could have seen it. It was awful. Everything I felt about him, all these puzzles in my head came together that day. I confronted him by screaming and just losing it. I kept asking, How could you do this to me?, Who do you think you are to screw up my life like this? etc.. He never denied it. His response was ” I hoped you would never find out this about me”. The next thing that came to my mind, is my daughter, of course. He never has done anything physical to her, thank God. Otherwise, I would probably harm him. He went to the therapist, and I guess he shared something there because the same day, we had a police and a Child Protective Services at our house. I was in shock and scared, because I didn’t know what really happened. What they told was that he shared some of his fantasies about my daughter with his therapist. They opened the case, talked to all of our kids (he has two boys, and I also have a son), he was also required to go sexual recovery institute for a couple of weeks. But since he never done anything physical to anyone, our case was closed after 6 months. I don’t know why they didn’t really make a big deal about his stashes of child porn.

    My trust for him was shattered. I became this “watch dog”, like other ladies here were mentioning. I constantly was checking his electronics to see if he was visiting the sites. Since I found out this about him, I never left him alone with my daughter, not even for five minutes in a same room. Right after the case was closed against him, he relapsed into looking and saving the pictures of little girls again. I was devastated. I also learned that he was on dating, porn, and prostitution sites. So, I realized that he is not just a pedophile, he is a sex addict in general. But I think pedophilia is the worst case of anything else.

    I know I had to leave, I just didn’t have any place to go, I don’t have any relatives around, I had no money. On top of that, after we got married, I also learned that he was deep in debt, which would become my responsibility if I leave, or I couldn’t even request for his help because he had no means for that. It felt unfair in all ways around. I felt trapped, emotionally, financially, physically. Today, after five years of being in all of his mess, yes, his mess, I am finally trying to focus on myself more, and of course my children. My daughter is 16 now (according to his comments I saw on his computer, she is too old for him now, and out his interest). I know how disgusting and disturbing it all sounds.

    I didn’t even know who am I to him in all of this; I am definitely not a little girl as he desires. My kids are 16 and 18, I am not too old either. But all of a sudden I have to “compete” with the 12 year olds? I never did and I never will want to. I don’t believe that he is really attracted to me, although he is trying to convince me that he wants me. I read in his disclosure letter that “the only way I can perform with an adult woman as long as my mind on a little girl”. How disgusting is it? And he still trying to convince me that he wants me? It’s just no way I can believe it.

    Just like other ladies were saying here, I am feeling love and hate for him. For a long time, I couldn’t understand how it’s even possible. But lately, I feel that my love is dissolving more and more. I hate him more than I love him now. Although, this is not the way to live, and I am not hateful person, and I didn’t like that I actually living with someone I started to despise. Maybe my heart is finally syncing with my mind. God, I hope so.

    I hate that he is so content with everything right now, and seems like is not pain at all, and he doesn’t really care if I leave; he is basically said to me: “This issue will never go away, my attraction to the little girls always will be there. I am not going to act on it, but the attraction part is unchangeable. No therapy can fix this.” Basically, “I have to take it or leave it”. It hurts because I wasn’t signing up for any of it, I didn’t plan to get a divorce when I got married, I didn’t plan to make these choices.

    I hate that everyone around him thinks he is the best, they think I am the luckiest woman. No one knows this dark side of him, not his family, not his friends, not our kids. He didn’t tell about his issue to anyone. When I have a bad day, no one knows why I am really feeling down, they just see me as a depressed person. But I have reasons to feel this way! Sometimes I feel like I want to shout out to everyone around him, the truth, about the real him. I am so tired to carry it inside me, and pretend. I am so tired and angry for all of the pain he caused me. I hate going places with him, because the little girls are everywhere, I know he is looking at them, and it always giving me an anxiety. Logically I understand that this is not the way to live, it’s just suffering. And I am hoping that soon I can be strong enough to leave him, and leave all of this behind. All of this took too much of me. I liked to read from ladies who already made this step and left their pedophile husbands; it somehow giving me hope that it is possible, I can do this too. These addicts are the most self-centered, manipulative, and draining people.

    Thank you for reading..
    Love to you all.

    Like

  50. Dear Feeling Stuck,

    I’m impressed with your insights on your situation. I think you are doing better than many wives of pedophiles. And I think you will be able to get out of this nightmare. You are right, these sex offenders are very self-centered, manipulative, and draining people.

    You’ve struggled with the questions the rest of us did—

    1) Why didn’t the authorities do more?
    Maybe not well trained. You did your job as a good citizen, though. Kudos to you. That will make it go better for you in court.

    2) Why isn’t my husband sexually attracted to me?
    Few pedophiles are attracted to adult women, and the fact he likes adult porn might be more about the dominance and control.

    3) Am I on the hook for the debts he brought into the marriage?
    In some states, when you divorce, he is on the hook for any debts he brought into the marriage, not you. In fact, if you brought any money or inheritance into the marriage, those might be credited to you, depending on how you handled them. Please see an attorney.

    4) Feeling depressed?
    Yes, of course you’re feeling depressed. You’re in a terrible situation with a dangerous person in your house, just waiting for him to molest someone or destroy your reputation. He is not loyal to anyone but himself. Besides the sexual issue, he’s broken his marriage vows to love and honor you.

    5) He wants to stay married?
    Of course he does. He wants to be able to behave badly and still come home to a warm bed and have a wife who takes care of everything around the house. You’re not really a wife, you’re a servant. You hit it on the head: self-centered.

    Unemployment is at a low right now. I hope you can start to plan your escape, if that is what you want to do. Stay in touch with us and let us know how you’re doing. There is a special password-protected forum for ex-wives to discuss this. Contact Julie Anne, the blog owner.

    -Anon3

    Liked by 1 person

  51. Anon3, Thank you very much for your response, and such a detailed explanation..
    And thank you for your words when you said I am somehow seem impressive in all of this. I definitely don’t feel it; I feel like I become sick just like he is, and my just turned up side down, and most of the time I feel lost, weak and joyless, which is affected my role as a mother to my kids. I do hope that I will have enough strength to come out of all of it one day, and recover..
    And yes, it boggles my mind why the authorities didn’t take his numerous flash drives of a child porn more seriously. That’s a big part of my depression, thinking that he is just got away with all of it, got a little slap on a wrist. And I am sad because in my opinion, this world just getting sicker since this kind of thing becoming “normal”. If it continues this way, I am afraid that pedophilia may become just a sexual orientation, and somehow all of this will be legal one day.. It is scary.

    I understand what you mean about the financial responsibility part. The thing is, since he had a debt before our marriage, he couldn’t keep up with the current bills, that why the debt after we got married can become half of mine, unfortunately. But you are right, I do need to talk to the lawyer.
    I agree with you about getting a job, so I can be more independent. I was employed till last year, and I tried to save up as much as I could, and I didn’t let him touch these money. My main worry is not leaving my daughter alone with him while I am at work, especially since my husband is working from home all the time. When I worked, she was going to the after school program, but not anymore. I am looking into getting at least a part time work right now.

    I was looking for this kind of forum for a while, I desperately needed help and support. I tried to attend COSA meetings, even POSA (partners of sex addicts); they all are great in a lot ways, but to be a partner of a pedophile is more unique and specific.. and it helps a lot to hear other ladies who were and/or are in my shoes. So, I am glad I found your site!
    Thank you again..

    Like

  52. @FeelingStuck – I’m sorry you are in such a difficult situation. You are right, there are not many who will understand all the conflicting emotions you are going through. Staying in this environment can make you think you’re crazy. There is no peace living with what you know. I found a helpful book a few months ago, written by a therapist who went through this. It’s called “Sleeping With a Stranger” by Patricia Wiklund. As I was reading, it validated all the stuff I had been going through and provided some practical tools to get through it. I found it a used copy online for around $4.

    Like

  53. Hi Feeling Stuck and AZgirl,
    There are so many excellent resources on this now, including Patricia Wiklund’s book. Right now I am enjoying (if that’s the word for it) Clara (mom) and Jimmy (son) Hinton’s podcast. You can find it at http://jimmyhinton.org/ Clara’s husband is in prison for molesting dozens of children. Jimmy is now the pastor at the church his dad pastored at while he was abusing children. Their podcasts are excellent and I highly recommend them.

    I’ve listed other books that were meaningful to me during my journey to recovery on my blog (click on my hyper-linked name). There are too many to list here so if you are interested, go there to see them.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  54. FeelingStuck, this is definitely a long long process. I’m truly thankful for the people here who have encouraged me greatly. I left an abusive church about three years ago now, and though I found a new church, I keep finding more and more areas where I was deeply hurt and broken. For example, when I started seeing the abuse in the church more clearly, my eyes were opened to my family growing up and the abuse I suffered there and I was pretty much in a tailspin when I posted my first comment here asking for help.

    I feel like I’ve peeled a lot of layers of the onion and while I am more aware of things that are contributing to the lack of joy, I don’t really know what to do to process/deal/get over/whatever the way my brain is now wired.

    I will also recommend Jimmy Hinton as a resource. I’m watching his videos, and the one on Understanding Survivors was very helpful – that the church expects victims to instantly be fixed once the truth comes to light, but it just doesn’t work like that. It takes time. Although he is speaking specifically to sexual abuse, I think many of the concepts are parallel to emotional and spiritual abuse.

    Like

  55. 😔 I’m lost, I’m hurt, I have questions why?! Why me?! I was married for 8 yrs to find out my husband was molesting my daughter who is now 13yrs for 5 yrs consistently. She’s healing as long as she knows I’m there to protect and guide her. I can’t imagine what this man has done to my child who calls him father one I trusted and stayed with because of my children he raised and having one with him pulls me in all direction not that I care for him for he deserves death for he not only gave me and my daughter a life sentence but the only Son God grant us with. I wonder did he ever love me?! Was he all in for the sake of my child. I’m hurt tremendously and having a little difficulty believing this has took place without me realizing it. Please send healing my way for I desire it as quick as a shooting star…✨

    Like

  56. I recently in the past few months found out about my husband of 10 years pedophilla. His victim was my 12 year old sister. I struggle with the thought of leaving as I have no family except my 3 children under 9.

    Like

  57. Dear Lost,

    I’m sorry for the delay in responding–I actually posted response yesterday but it got lost in cyberspace. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing after your horrendous discovery. Unless an individual has walked this path they have a difficult time understanding the level of pain, shock and horror that discovering you are married to a pedophile brings.

    You are not alone and you do not need to walk this alone. There are a number of women here on SSB who have and are experiencing the same thing. There are three things I want to tell you:

    Find a qualified therapist to walk this journey with you. Not all therapists are trained to understand or work with sex addiction or partners of pedophiles. You can look here https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/ to begin the search.
    Join SANON, a 12-step group for family or friends of a sex addict. This anonymous group is filled with men and women who have found strength and hope by sharing their experiences and support with one another.
    Protect your children.You indicate that you have three children under the age of 9. Your husband molested your 12 year old sister If he is a preferential offender one or more of your children may very well be at risk from him. This requires action on your part. Your first duty is to protect your children and to get them out of harm’s way. I put this recommendation last not because I think it is less important than the other two but because you will need the professional help and support provided by the first two recommendations in order to do this most important thing.

    Lost, you are not alone, you did not cause this and you cannot control or cure it. We stand ready to walk this with you, if you want. For more of my story or to reach me through my personal email, click on my hyperlinked name.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  58. I recently put a spyware on my husbands phone as I was suspecting him cheating. I remeber the weekend of our marriage was when I first found alot of porn sites. It was terrible. Especially when ppl told me it was normal n what was i doing wrong that he is looking elsewhere. He promised never again but i already knew deep down he had a strong past of watching porn. After my suspicions were back i put the spyware. And within one day I was able to see the hundreds of porn sites he was looking at and erasing his activuty before i got back. But this time he had searched words such as PRETEEN TEEN YOUNG it was apalling. I told myself well he is obly 28 maybe its ok. He is addicted. He had a past bad childhood. But then I clicked on a risk highlighted illegal link. And to my dismay it was kids. Lil kids!!! We have a 6yr old daughter!! What in the world!!!?? Im still in disbelief. He had been denying that he was watching porn again. Untill i said i had proof. He admitted ro it. I brought up the kids n he just said idk y im stupid. I have never been in a situation where I cant even fathom whats happening.i feel like im living in a real nightmare. I started research n its hitting me that its a crime. We hadn’t sat n talked but i knew we had to . i texted him during work. He works nights. N i explained he needs to be honest or im leaving. I need to know what is going on. Im in a bad place. This is the man i spent the last 8 yrs fighting for our marriage . i love him beyond anything. Everything about him was perfect to me. Never have I ever looked at him with a disgust n a “omg i don’t know who he is” until now. Im so confused. Scared. I keep hearing myself say out loud i dont what to do. I dont know whst to do.. And i dont. Im in shock. I dont have anywhere to go with my lil girl. Im not even working right now. Im stuck. My mind says leave him. My heart says love him through it just like he has always loved you through your difficult times. Im so sad . i dont know what to do. Or say. Or who to reach out to. Or what. Please help me

    Like

  59. Dear Losing My Mind,

    Living with a perpetrator very much feels like one is losing one’s mind. The manipulations, deceit and gas lighting are very disconcerting. Please know that you are not alone, you are not losing your mind. You did not cause this, you cannot cure it and you certainly cannot control it.

    Your husband is an addict and his drug of choice is child pornography. This is illegal. There are no excuses or reasonable explanations for his behavior. He is a sick man who gets off on viewing images of child exploitation and rape. I know that you love him but urge you to remember that what he is doing is against the law. You cannot love him out of this behavior–it is akin to a sexual orientation and is very resistant to professional treatment.

    Your child is at risk. Your first duty is to put the safety of your child ahead of everything else. Other children in your social and family settings are at risk. You are at risk. I urge you to get professional help. Start with a licensed therapist who specializes in treating sexual addiction and the partners of addicts. You can find a therapist on this website:https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

    Find your local S-Anon group–an anonymous 12-step group for partners of sex addicts. Participation in these groups are free and they can provide a lot of support and tools to help you begin to recover from the devastation of your marriage. You may also benefit from legal advice. I believe that Anon3 may respond to you later today with some additional information. You may also ask Julie Anne to put you in private contact with me as well as other resources that we have to help you get the help that you need.

    This is a devastating experience, not one that any woman volunteers for. It is a profound betrayal beyond anything one who has not experienced it can imagine. There is hope for your and your child. There is help and there is healing. Staying stuck in the situation you currently are in is not an option. Let’s get you help!

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  60. Dear Losing My Mind,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. We all want a loving marriage, and tt’s so sad to invest your love and time and energy into a relationship where your husband is hiding a lot of illegal behavior.

    I’ve been in your shoes, married to a pedophile. I knew my husband had childhood hurts, and I hoped that my love would fill that empty place in his heart. Despite loving him for years, nothing changed. I had fasted and prayed during my entire marriage. We tried years of counseling and even an in-patient treatment center. My husband got a masters in marriage and family therapy from a Christian university. It didn’t help.

    Pedophilia doesn’t ever go 100% away. And pedophiles are bright and manipulative. Your husband has fooled you a lot of years. And he is obsessed with child porn, and that’s not going to end. So you have a tough choice before you. And God will give you courage.

    One thing we’ve learned is that cyber law enforcement is tracking people who use child porn, and they probably already know your husband is involved. The big question in their mind is: “Is the wife a criminal too? Is she helping him or does she protect children? Is she an accomplice or a decent person?”

    Merely possessing, manufacturing OR distributing (sending to others or printing out) child porn is illegal, even if the depicted sexual act didn’t really happen. I would strong recommend that you (in order to protect yourself and your daughter) to contact law enforcement through the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children at https://report.cybertip.org/.

    At the same time, please don’t listen to those who say this is no big deal. Don’t listen to those who say you just need to give your man more sex. Those are lies. This behavior is predatory and it is not normal. And as we both know, you can give pedophile lots of sex, and they still are attracted to kids. They were attracted to kids before we showed up in their lives, and they will be attracted when we are long gone. There is absolutely nothing the wife can do.

    It’s okay to care about a pedophile, and even feel some affection for them. (I still see my ex-husband every 2 or 3 years, and we actually give each other a hug.) I’m sure your husband has done some good things in his life. But he’s an empty soul leading a double life, and you cannot fix him. You need to get to safety – both you and your daughter (and all of your daughter’s friends who might hang around your home).

    Please look through the other comments in this blog post. I have given other women tips on how to get out even if you don’t have much money. Start by praying that God will guide you. Ask for courage. Ask for leading to to people who understand (not the ones who say “stay”).

    Once I left, I felt a huge sigh of relief. Although I was worried about money, I finally felt we were safe. By getting him out of our home, I taught my children that you don’t need to be taken advantage of by others. You can say no. You don’t need to stay in danger. My kids have developed good boundaries. (And by the way, they turned out just fine – grew up to have good educations and good jobs.)

    Your daughter’s healing starts the day you take steps to protect her.

    We will pray for you as you walk this road. I know how tough it is, and how many second thoughts you will have. It will be tough the first year. But many of us have found peace and happiness on the other side. We have even found love again.

    –Anon3

    Like

  61. By the way, 5 years ago this article was posted and now it has more than 500 comments.

    I am so happy our stories have given other women some encouragement to find safety for themselves and their children. This has become a ministry for me and Brenda and the others who have walked this difficult path.

    I have learned a lot from your stories.

    And as I learn about Larry Nassar, the convicted U.S. Olympics gymnastics doctor, and the techniques that allow pedophiles to abuse kids right in front of their parents, I realize we all need MORE education on this topic.

    Please educate yourself and your church
    I strongly recommend the “Speaking Out on Sex Abuse” podcast by Clara Hinton (ex-wife of a pedophile) and her son Jimmy Hinton (a minister who is now an expert on the topic).

    https://www.spreaker.com/show/the-speaking-out-on-abuse-show

    Episode 6 “Abuse In Plain Sight” explains how churches can be duped by known child sex abusers in their midst. Even having someone monitor a child molester doesn’t mean they can’t abuse. In fact, it might increase the chances.

    Pedophiles love a challenge. This also explains why we wives think we are watchful enough and are protecting children (ours and others), but we really aren’t.

    I now believe that my ex-husband was just very clever, and that’s why I thought (for a while) he was “cured.” He wasn’t. He just got better at hiding.

    Like

  62. It’s been seven months since the raid on my house and I found out that my husband was downloading child pornography and producing it with our six year old daughter and seven year old cousin. He’s been in federal custody since then. I battled what to do inside me for all of these months. Reading the comment section of this thread over and over again, trying to learn from everyone’s experience.

    I knew that I loved him enough to be willing to work through it and give him another chance, even though I knew that I would be condemning myself to a life of forever being his babysitter, but deep inside me, for the first time ever, I knew that I deserved better.

    The three older kids (11, 14 and 15) know what’s going on. Even so, they say “that’s my dad and I love him no matter what and I will always have a relationship with him.” I felt that no matter what I decided to do with our marriage, that it was my duty to encourage my husband and pray for him, so when the day came that my children can actually have a relationship with him, I would know that I’ve done all I can to encourage and help him to be his best possible self for them.

    It was hard visiting him. Afterward I’d be a wreck for a few days. I had to take a break and think about everything that was going on. I didn’t know what to do. I read somewhere, maybe on this thread, that the first thing to do when making a decision is decide where your line is. Where are you drawing the line in the sand that says, that’s enough?

    If you would have asked me years ago what I would do if I found out that my future husband downloaded child porn, I’d say “I’d divorce him in a second.” Being in that situation isn’t so easy. So I moved my line back and said, “I love him enough to be his babysitter.” Then I find out that he’s taking pictures of our own daughter. Where is my line now? What will my daughter think when she is older and understands what happened and knows that I chose to stay? I felt like if I chose him, it was choosing him over her. When we have children, it’s not about us anymore. We have to be strong and do what’s best for them, so they can have a good foundation to build their life on one day. We are their only advocates.

    One thing that made it hard to leave him was knowing that this is an addiction. And understanding that it’s an addiction that’s almost impossible to ask for help for. But how can one not control themselves from hurting another person, especially their own daughter? Even if the hurt is not physical, he knew it would damage her one day. His child he was supposed to protect. That right there had to be my line. And he crossed it.

    I went to visit him and loveingly told him that I decided on divorce and promised him to raise the kids to be their best selves. I promised to never talk bad about him to them and to walk with him through this journey and encourage him to be his best self as well. I reminded him that this world is not our home, heaven is, and that he better make sure he gets there. I told him that he has a choice to make about how he is going to react to this situation. He could fall apart and make it impossible for us to salvage any sort of relationship. Or, he can grow from this, work hard to learn how to control this addiction (because is never goes away) and strive to be his best self because God can still use him right where he is at and he can heal from this and have a life after this. When he told me that he has lost everything, I reminded him how blessed is was because he actually hadn’t lost anything yet, that it has just changed.

    When I left, I fell apart. I was back at square one for a week or more. And finally, God lifting me out of the pit of sorrow again. I knew what I had to do and two days ago I signed the divorce papers with peace in my heart. Believe it or not, after all those months, I found out the night I signed the papers that he had finally been charged and had a plea hearing the next day! That’s where I found out everything the state had on him. I found out that 8,000 of the 15,000 pictures downloaded was sadomasochistic, where the children were being tortured for other people’s sexual pleasure. I found out that most of his downloaded photos were of infants to toddlers and prepubescent children. All of them little girls. Where are they now? What happened to them? Are they still being tortured? Was it happening to them at that very moment? I found out that he took pictures of several other little girls that the FBI can’t even identify. When did he have time for that? How could he have been doing that and I not know? How were we having a happy marriage, a happy family, a fulfilling sex life while that was going on?

    I was suddenly so thankful that I signed the papers before knowing all that. Because of a plea deal he’s getting a minimum of fifteen years but nothing is official until sentencing. Now when my daughter learns of what happened, she will know that I divorced him for her and not because of his sentence.

    I left the kids with my parents yesterday and took a couple of days for myself at the beach to reflect, refresh and renew. I’m glad this is finally coming to an end. After knowing what I know now, it makes it a little harder to keep my word about supporting him through this. All of those children, the ones who’s pictures he downloaded and the ones he took, they are real victims. When their pictures are downloaded it causes a demand for more pictures to be created. I feel the need to spread the word. I feel like something good has to come out of this in some way. I’m trusting in God to direct my path from here and for now, I’m going to keep my word. I’m going to choose to wake up everyday and forgive. I’m choosing life for myself and for my kids. I’m choosing happiness. I’m choosing a fresh start. And I’m encouraging all who read this to do the same. Choosing to leave a pedophile isn’t breaking your family up or giving up on the one you love, it’s choosing life. It’s allowing yourself to be free. Believe it or not, you do deserve it.

    Like

  63. I knew my soon to be ex had issues, even before we were married, but who I saw was a man on fire for God, and those things wouldn’t affect him anymore. But secretly I lived in great fear throughout our marriage. About a year and a half ago, i found out my husband was unfaithful to me with men and he had been viewing child pornography our whole marriage of almost 6 years.

    He was turned in, and was honest about everything that he had done, wasn’t convicted of anything. It seemed there was a period of genuine repentance and getting the accountability that he needed. Needless to say after awhile, he went back to pursuing men and walked away from our family. A secular therapist, psychologist, said he was safe around our children because he is not attracted to that gender. But he has agreed to supervised visits. These are voluntary, nothing had entered court, because no convictions.

    My mom currently supervises and I do occasionally. What would you do? How do you get over the what seemed to be real spiritual awakenings, and kind of like he’s distorted the gospel, because He knew the truth? How do you wrestle with the sovereignty of God in all this? What are the best boundaries to be set when I’m still interacting with him? Thanks!

    Like

  64. Dear Fighting in Christ,

    First let me say that I am very sorry you have found yourself in this painful place of betrayal and gas lighting. I am glad that you are being proactive in protecting yourself and most importantly, your children.

    You ask important questions regarding genuine repentance ad the sovereignty of God. The answers to these questions may help you understand how to set healthy and appropriate boundaries for yourself and your children.

    Addiction is a horrible disease and involves so much deception, manipulation and narcissism. And those who claim a relationship with Jesus must resort to distortion of scripture and hiding in order to justify their continued criminal and immoral behavior. And they do it brilliantly. Genuine repentance offers no excuses, no blame-shifting and a heartfelt acceptance of personal responsibility. It also consistently walks out that repentance in terms of changed behavior and humility.

    Very few of those of us who were/are married to pedophiles and/or sex addicts get to see genuine repentance. It is very rare. But what about the sovereignty of God? How you answer this question will depend on your theological construct. Personally, I believe that each human being has been granted free will and God steps back and respects that freedom to choose, even when it hurts ourselves or others. Otherwise it would not be our freedom to choose, would it? Its not that he can’t stop or won’t stop those who hurt others, its that he respects our freedom to choose just that much. We are constantly being wounded by the choice that others make and yet we would not want God to restrict our freedom to choose, would we?

    Its a tough conundrum but God has willingly limited himself out of respect for this right that he granted to us. Since your soon-to-be-ex has the freedom to choose and he does not demonstrate true repentance, you must have good boundaries in order to continue to protect yourself and your children. Understand that you cannot take anything he says at face value and automatically believe it, no matter how good it sounds. He will say/do whatever he needs to in order to shift the responsibility for his criminal behavior and do not rest completely on the fact that he may not be attracted to your children’s gender. Even therapists are deceived by these guys because they are that good at deception.

    You ask very good questions and one that many of us have also wrestled with. Kudos on opting to protect rather than believe at face value.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

Thanks for participating in the SSB community. Please be sure to leave a name/pseudonym (not "Anonymous"). Thx :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s