Sexual Abuse/Assault and Churches, Stories of Hope, SURVIVOR STORIES, Wives or (ex) of Pedophiles

Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

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Letter from the wife of a pedophile explaining why she stayed and how she finally got out. Encouragement for other wives of child molesters.

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Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

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Some of you may have read the following comment from last night, but it just will not leave my mind.  A courageous woman, Anon 3,  who was married to a pedophile reached out to address the wives of pedophiles involved in the Sovereign Grace Ministries lawsuit.  Her words were beautiful and gave hope.  In a later comment, she said that this was the very first time she had disclosed it publicly and felt that maybe God was prompting her to do so.   I, too, feel compelled to make Anon 3’s comment into a post in order to reach a wider audience via internet searches and so it will not be merely buried in the comments area.

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To those who have stopped by via an internet search on this topic, welcome.  You may be in a very difficult place.  No one knows the path each individual takes.  Some agonize for months and even years on whether to stay or whether to go.  On this blog, we talk a lot about spiritual abuse, but haven’t delved into the topic of what it is like to be married to a pedophile.  I happen to know a wife who is married to a pedophile and has remained married to him.  Although she would say things are fine, when I look at their marriage, I do not see that.  I see pain and emotional distance.  There is no intimacy, but two people living two separate lives.  She never got the courage to leave and it has taken its toll on the entire family, including extended family.  But she believes that she has made the right decision.

No one can make that decision for anyone else.  It comes with a cost.  That might be why Anon 3’s comment struck me profoundly.  This brave woman chose a difficult path of leaving the familiar behind and venturing out on her own with her children.  Her words speak for themselves.  If you are the wife of a pedophile, know that as I type these words, my prayers are with you  – – that you will be able to make the best decision for you and your family and that you will also continue to surround yourself with safe and loving support from friends/family who care.  You should not have to be alone in this process whether you decide to stay or leave.  ~Julie Anne

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A Letter from the Wife of a Child Molester

I actually do feel compassion for the perpetrator’s families. And I have a message for the wives:

I want you to know how sorry I am about your situation – both for you and your children.

You are not the only Christian woman who married a pedophile. I did too. I left him more than a decade ago because I knew that someday I would end up on headline news, just as you have. I am so sorry for the embarrassment and humiliation you’ve suffered.

Each of us makes our own decision. I stayed a long time with my husband too. I’m probably about your age. I hoped that my love would fill that empty place in his heart. It didn’t. I had fasted and prayed during my entire marriage. We tried years of counseling and even an in-patient treatment center. My husband got a masters in marriage and family therapy from a Christian university. It didn’t help.

One day, I found out about a new incident, and I realized I had to get out for the sake of my children and everyone around us.

I felt the Lord saying, “You are like a bird in a cage. But see? I have opened the door. You may fly out or stay in. But that door won’t open again.”

I flew out. And I am so happy I did. I asked my husband to leave – exhibiting a strength and toughness I never knew I had. I got him out of my home, out of my church, out of my neighborhood, and out of my town. I did not hate him; but I knew he was a walking disaster area.

Yes, the first couple of years were hard financially, but God was faithful. My children suffered at first, but they have turned out as lovely whole people. They are winners in every sense: personally, academically, and spiritually. They don’t have the level of damage in their lives that their father does. They love him but see his limits. I told them the truth when they turned 21. (They hadn’t been victims themselves and hadn’t known.)

I want to give you hope that if you want to fly out the open door, that life is wonderful out here. Yes, you will hurt a lot for a year, maybe two. But the joy of living without the burden of a pedophile in your life is incredible.

• I thought God could never use me again. But he has.
• I thought I would never be in ministry again. But I am — even more than before.
• I thought people at church would condemn me. But they didn’t. They surrounded me with love.
• I thought I would never be financially solid again. But I am. In fact I have 10 times the assets I did when I was married, and my retirement is nearly fully funded.
• I thought I was disqualified for God’s best. But I know now I am a daughter of the Lord, and am blessed.
• I thought my children would be damaged and hopelessly dysfunctional. They aren’t. They tell me that they feel the same as everyone else. In fact, they look at their friends’ mothers and see a lot more dysfunction there.
• I thought I would never have any honor. I’ve been put on many corporate and non-profit boards and served in far more leadership positions in church than I did when I was married.
• My children are proud of me for what I did.

I hope this has given you hope.

Whatever you decide, the choice is truly yours. I am thrilled I was set free. My life is incredibly happy. There are much worse things in this world than divorce.

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Update 7/27/13:  Even though this blog post is not current, the comments are being followed by others whose lives have been affected by pedophilia.  Feel free to reach out in the comment section (using a pseudonym is perfectly fine).  I keep all e-mail addresses strictly confidential.  

If you are struggling with the fact that your spouse/family member or close acquaintance is a pedophile and need help, please let me know.  I will try to find help/resources for you.  I have been in touch with others  behind the scenes gathering resources on this subject.  

You must know that you are not alone.  There are many wives/families who have walked your journey and would love to reach out to you.  ~Julie Anne

576 thoughts on “Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles”

  1. Dear Feeling Stuck,

    I’m impressed with your insights on your situation. I think you are doing better than many wives of pedophiles. And I think you will be able to get out of this nightmare. You are right, these sex offenders are very self-centered, manipulative, and draining people.

    You’ve struggled with the questions the rest of us did—

    1) Why didn’t the authorities do more?
    Maybe not well trained. You did your job as a good citizen, though. Kudos to you. That will make it go better for you in court.

    2) Why isn’t my husband sexually attracted to me?
    Few pedophiles are attracted to adult women, and the fact he likes adult porn might be more about the dominance and control.

    3) Am I on the hook for the debts he brought into the marriage?
    In some states, when you divorce, he is on the hook for any debts he brought into the marriage, not you. In fact, if you brought any money or inheritance into the marriage, those might be credited to you, depending on how you handled them. Please see an attorney.

    4) Feeling depressed?
    Yes, of course you’re feeling depressed. You’re in a terrible situation with a dangerous person in your house, just waiting for him to molest someone or destroy your reputation. He is not loyal to anyone but himself. Besides the sexual issue, he’s broken his marriage vows to love and honor you.

    5) He wants to stay married?
    Of course he does. He wants to be able to behave badly and still come home to a warm bed and have a wife who takes care of everything around the house. You’re not really a wife, you’re a servant. You hit it on the head: self-centered.

    Unemployment is at a low right now. I hope you can start to plan your escape, if that is what you want to do. Stay in touch with us and let us know how you’re doing. There is a special password-protected forum for ex-wives to discuss this. Contact Julie Anne, the blog owner.

    -Anon3

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  2. Anon3, Thank you very much for your response, and such a detailed explanation..
    And thank you for your words when you said I am somehow seem impressive in all of this. I definitely don’t feel it; I feel like I become sick just like he is, and my just turned up side down, and most of the time I feel lost, weak and joyless, which is affected my role as a mother to my kids. I do hope that I will have enough strength to come out of all of it one day, and recover..
    And yes, it boggles my mind why the authorities didn’t take his numerous flash drives of a child porn more seriously. That’s a big part of my depression, thinking that he is just got away with all of it, got a little slap on a wrist. And I am sad because in my opinion, this world just getting sicker since this kind of thing becoming “normal”. If it continues this way, I am afraid that pedophilia may become just a sexual orientation, and somehow all of this will be legal one day.. It is scary.

    I understand what you mean about the financial responsibility part. The thing is, since he had a debt before our marriage, he couldn’t keep up with the current bills, that why the debt after we got married can become half of mine, unfortunately. But you are right, I do need to talk to the lawyer.
    I agree with you about getting a job, so I can be more independent. I was employed till last year, and I tried to save up as much as I could, and I didn’t let him touch these money. My main worry is not leaving my daughter alone with him while I am at work, especially since my husband is working from home all the time. When I worked, she was going to the after school program, but not anymore. I am looking into getting at least a part time work right now.

    I was looking for this kind of forum for a while, I desperately needed help and support. I tried to attend COSA meetings, even POSA (partners of sex addicts); they all are great in a lot ways, but to be a partner of a pedophile is more unique and specific.. and it helps a lot to hear other ladies who were and/or are in my shoes. So, I am glad I found your site!
    Thank you again..

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  3. @FeelingStuck – I’m sorry you are in such a difficult situation. You are right, there are not many who will understand all the conflicting emotions you are going through. Staying in this environment can make you think you’re crazy. There is no peace living with what you know. I found a helpful book a few months ago, written by a therapist who went through this. It’s called “Sleeping With a Stranger” by Patricia Wiklund. As I was reading, it validated all the stuff I had been going through and provided some practical tools to get through it. I found it a used copy online for around $4.

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  4. Hi Feeling Stuck and AZgirl,
    There are so many excellent resources on this now, including Patricia Wiklund’s book. Right now I am enjoying (if that’s the word for it) Clara (mom) and Jimmy (son) Hinton’s podcast. You can find it at http://jimmyhinton.org/ Clara’s husband is in prison for molesting dozens of children. Jimmy is now the pastor at the church his dad pastored at while he was abusing children. Their podcasts are excellent and I highly recommend them.

    I’ve listed other books that were meaningful to me during my journey to recovery on my blog (click on my hyper-linked name). There are too many to list here so if you are interested, go there to see them.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  5. FeelingStuck, this is definitely a long long process. I’m truly thankful for the people here who have encouraged me greatly. I left an abusive church about three years ago now, and though I found a new church, I keep finding more and more areas where I was deeply hurt and broken. For example, when I started seeing the abuse in the church more clearly, my eyes were opened to my family growing up and the abuse I suffered there and I was pretty much in a tailspin when I posted my first comment here asking for help.

    I feel like I’ve peeled a lot of layers of the onion and while I am more aware of things that are contributing to the lack of joy, I don’t really know what to do to process/deal/get over/whatever the way my brain is now wired.

    I will also recommend Jimmy Hinton as a resource. I’m watching his videos, and the one on Understanding Survivors was very helpful – that the church expects victims to instantly be fixed once the truth comes to light, but it just doesn’t work like that. It takes time. Although he is speaking specifically to sexual abuse, I think many of the concepts are parallel to emotional and spiritual abuse.

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  6. 😔 I’m lost, I’m hurt, I have questions why?! Why me?! I was married for 8 yrs to find out my husband was molesting my daughter who is now 13yrs for 5 yrs consistently. She’s healing as long as she knows I’m there to protect and guide her. I can’t imagine what this man has done to my child who calls him father one I trusted and stayed with because of my children he raised and having one with him pulls me in all direction not that I care for him for he deserves death for he not only gave me and my daughter a life sentence but the only Son God grant us with. I wonder did he ever love me?! Was he all in for the sake of my child. I’m hurt tremendously and having a little difficulty believing this has took place without me realizing it. Please send healing my way for I desire it as quick as a shooting star…✨

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  7. I recently in the past few months found out about my husband of 10 years pedophilla. His victim was my 12 year old sister. I struggle with the thought of leaving as I have no family except my 3 children under 9.

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  8. Dear Lost,

    I’m sorry for the delay in responding–I actually posted response yesterday but it got lost in cyberspace. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing after your horrendous discovery. Unless an individual has walked this path they have a difficult time understanding the level of pain, shock and horror that discovering you are married to a pedophile brings.

    You are not alone and you do not need to walk this alone. There are a number of women here on SSB who have and are experiencing the same thing. There are three things I want to tell you:

    Find a qualified therapist to walk this journey with you. Not all therapists are trained to understand or work with sex addiction or partners of pedophiles. You can look here https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/ to begin the search.
    Join SANON, a 12-step group for family or friends of a sex addict. This anonymous group is filled with men and women who have found strength and hope by sharing their experiences and support with one another.
    Protect your children.You indicate that you have three children under the age of 9. Your husband molested your 12 year old sister If he is a preferential offender one or more of your children may very well be at risk from him. This requires action on your part. Your first duty is to protect your children and to get them out of harm’s way. I put this recommendation last not because I think it is less important than the other two but because you will need the professional help and support provided by the first two recommendations in order to do this most important thing.

    Lost, you are not alone, you did not cause this and you cannot control or cure it. We stand ready to walk this with you, if you want. For more of my story or to reach me through my personal email, click on my hyperlinked name.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  9. I recently put a spyware on my husbands phone as I was suspecting him cheating. I remeber the weekend of our marriage was when I first found alot of porn sites. It was terrible. Especially when ppl told me it was normal n what was i doing wrong that he is looking elsewhere. He promised never again but i already knew deep down he had a strong past of watching porn. After my suspicions were back i put the spyware. And within one day I was able to see the hundreds of porn sites he was looking at and erasing his activuty before i got back. But this time he had searched words such as PRETEEN TEEN YOUNG it was apalling. I told myself well he is obly 28 maybe its ok. He is addicted. He had a past bad childhood. But then I clicked on a risk highlighted illegal link. And to my dismay it was kids. Lil kids!!! We have a 6yr old daughter!! What in the world!!!?? Im still in disbelief. He had been denying that he was watching porn again. Untill i said i had proof. He admitted ro it. I brought up the kids n he just said idk y im stupid. I have never been in a situation where I cant even fathom whats happening.i feel like im living in a real nightmare. I started research n its hitting me that its a crime. We hadn’t sat n talked but i knew we had to . i texted him during work. He works nights. N i explained he needs to be honest or im leaving. I need to know what is going on. Im in a bad place. This is the man i spent the last 8 yrs fighting for our marriage . i love him beyond anything. Everything about him was perfect to me. Never have I ever looked at him with a disgust n a “omg i don’t know who he is” until now. Im so confused. Scared. I keep hearing myself say out loud i dont what to do. I dont know whst to do.. And i dont. Im in shock. I dont have anywhere to go with my lil girl. Im not even working right now. Im stuck. My mind says leave him. My heart says love him through it just like he has always loved you through your difficult times. Im so sad . i dont know what to do. Or say. Or who to reach out to. Or what. Please help me

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  10. Dear Losing My Mind,

    Living with a perpetrator very much feels like one is losing one’s mind. The manipulations, deceit and gas lighting are very disconcerting. Please know that you are not alone, you are not losing your mind. You did not cause this, you cannot cure it and you certainly cannot control it.

    Your husband is an addict and his drug of choice is child pornography. This is illegal. There are no excuses or reasonable explanations for his behavior. He is a sick man who gets off on viewing images of child exploitation and rape. I know that you love him but urge you to remember that what he is doing is against the law. You cannot love him out of this behavior–it is akin to a sexual orientation and is very resistant to professional treatment.

    Your child is at risk. Your first duty is to put the safety of your child ahead of everything else. Other children in your social and family settings are at risk. You are at risk. I urge you to get professional help. Start with a licensed therapist who specializes in treating sexual addiction and the partners of addicts. You can find a therapist on this website:https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

    Find your local S-Anon group–an anonymous 12-step group for partners of sex addicts. Participation in these groups are free and they can provide a lot of support and tools to help you begin to recover from the devastation of your marriage. You may also benefit from legal advice. I believe that Anon3 may respond to you later today with some additional information. You may also ask Julie Anne to put you in private contact with me as well as other resources that we have to help you get the help that you need.

    This is a devastating experience, not one that any woman volunteers for. It is a profound betrayal beyond anything one who has not experienced it can imagine. There is hope for your and your child. There is help and there is healing. Staying stuck in the situation you currently are in is not an option. Let’s get you help!

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Dear Losing My Mind,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. We all want a loving marriage, and tt’s so sad to invest your love and time and energy into a relationship where your husband is hiding a lot of illegal behavior.

    I’ve been in your shoes, married to a pedophile. I knew my husband had childhood hurts, and I hoped that my love would fill that empty place in his heart. Despite loving him for years, nothing changed. I had fasted and prayed during my entire marriage. We tried years of counseling and even an in-patient treatment center. My husband got a masters in marriage and family therapy from a Christian university. It didn’t help.

    Pedophilia doesn’t ever go 100% away. And pedophiles are bright and manipulative. Your husband has fooled you a lot of years. And he is obsessed with child porn, and that’s not going to end. So you have a tough choice before you. And God will give you courage.

    One thing we’ve learned is that cyber law enforcement is tracking people who use child porn, and they probably already know your husband is involved. The big question in their mind is: “Is the wife a criminal too? Is she helping him or does she protect children? Is she an accomplice or a decent person?”

    Merely possessing, manufacturing OR distributing (sending to others or printing out) child porn is illegal, even if the depicted sexual act didn’t really happen. I would strong recommend that you (in order to protect yourself and your daughter) to contact law enforcement through the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children at https://report.cybertip.org/.

    At the same time, please don’t listen to those who say this is no big deal. Don’t listen to those who say you just need to give your man more sex. Those are lies. This behavior is predatory and it is not normal. And as we both know, you can give pedophile lots of sex, and they still are attracted to kids. They were attracted to kids before we showed up in their lives, and they will be attracted when we are long gone. There is absolutely nothing the wife can do.

    It’s okay to care about a pedophile, and even feel some affection for them. (I still see my ex-husband every 2 or 3 years, and we actually give each other a hug.) I’m sure your husband has done some good things in his life. But he’s an empty soul leading a double life, and you cannot fix him. You need to get to safety – both you and your daughter (and all of your daughter’s friends who might hang around your home).

    Please look through the other comments in this blog post. I have given other women tips on how to get out even if you don’t have much money. Start by praying that God will guide you. Ask for courage. Ask for leading to to people who understand (not the ones who say “stay”).

    Once I left, I felt a huge sigh of relief. Although I was worried about money, I finally felt we were safe. By getting him out of our home, I taught my children that you don’t need to be taken advantage of by others. You can say no. You don’t need to stay in danger. My kids have developed good boundaries. (And by the way, they turned out just fine – grew up to have good educations and good jobs.)

    Your daughter’s healing starts the day you take steps to protect her.

    We will pray for you as you walk this road. I know how tough it is, and how many second thoughts you will have. It will be tough the first year. But many of us have found peace and happiness on the other side. We have even found love again.

    –Anon3

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  12. By the way, 5 years ago this article was posted and now it has more than 500 comments.

    I am so happy our stories have given other women some encouragement to find safety for themselves and their children. This has become a ministry for me and Brenda and the others who have walked this difficult path.

    I have learned a lot from your stories.

    And as I learn about Larry Nassar, the convicted U.S. Olympics gymnastics doctor, and the techniques that allow pedophiles to abuse kids right in front of their parents, I realize we all need MORE education on this topic.

    Please educate yourself and your church
    I strongly recommend the “Speaking Out on Sex Abuse” podcast by Clara Hinton (ex-wife of a pedophile) and her son Jimmy Hinton (a minister who is now an expert on the topic).

    Episode 6 “Abuse In Plain Sight” explains how churches can be duped by known child sex abusers in their midst. Even having someone monitor a child molester doesn’t mean they can’t abuse. In fact, it might increase the chances.

    Pedophiles love a challenge. This also explains why we wives think we are watchful enough and are protecting children (ours and others), but we really aren’t.

    I now believe that my ex-husband was just very clever, and that’s why I thought (for a while) he was “cured.” He wasn’t. He just got better at hiding.

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  13. It’s been seven months since the raid on my house and I found out that my husband was downloading child pornography and producing it with our six year old daughter and seven year old cousin. He’s been in federal custody since then. I battled what to do inside me for all of these months. Reading the comment section of this thread over and over again, trying to learn from everyone’s experience.

    I knew that I loved him enough to be willing to work through it and give him another chance, even though I knew that I would be condemning myself to a life of forever being his babysitter, but deep inside me, for the first time ever, I knew that I deserved better.

    The three older kids (11, 14 and 15) know what’s going on. Even so, they say “that’s my dad and I love him no matter what and I will always have a relationship with him.” I felt that no matter what I decided to do with our marriage, that it was my duty to encourage my husband and pray for him, so when the day came that my children can actually have a relationship with him, I would know that I’ve done all I can to encourage and help him to be his best possible self for them.

    It was hard visiting him. Afterward I’d be a wreck for a few days. I had to take a break and think about everything that was going on. I didn’t know what to do. I read somewhere, maybe on this thread, that the first thing to do when making a decision is decide where your line is. Where are you drawing the line in the sand that says, that’s enough?

    If you would have asked me years ago what I would do if I found out that my future husband downloaded child porn, I’d say “I’d divorce him in a second.” Being in that situation isn’t so easy. So I moved my line back and said, “I love him enough to be his babysitter.” Then I find out that he’s taking pictures of our own daughter. Where is my line now? What will my daughter think when she is older and understands what happened and knows that I chose to stay? I felt like if I chose him, it was choosing him over her. When we have children, it’s not about us anymore. We have to be strong and do what’s best for them, so they can have a good foundation to build their life on one day. We are their only advocates.

    One thing that made it hard to leave him was knowing that this is an addiction. And understanding that it’s an addiction that’s almost impossible to ask for help for. But how can one not control themselves from hurting another person, especially their own daughter? Even if the hurt is not physical, he knew it would damage her one day. His child he was supposed to protect. That right there had to be my line. And he crossed it.

    I went to visit him and loveingly told him that I decided on divorce and promised him to raise the kids to be their best selves. I promised to never talk bad about him to them and to walk with him through this journey and encourage him to be his best self as well. I reminded him that this world is not our home, heaven is, and that he better make sure he gets there. I told him that he has a choice to make about how he is going to react to this situation. He could fall apart and make it impossible for us to salvage any sort of relationship. Or, he can grow from this, work hard to learn how to control this addiction (because is never goes away) and strive to be his best self because God can still use him right where he is at and he can heal from this and have a life after this. When he told me that he has lost everything, I reminded him how blessed is was because he actually hadn’t lost anything yet, that it has just changed.

    When I left, I fell apart. I was back at square one for a week or more. And finally, God lifting me out of the pit of sorrow again. I knew what I had to do and two days ago I signed the divorce papers with peace in my heart. Believe it or not, after all those months, I found out the night I signed the papers that he had finally been charged and had a plea hearing the next day! That’s where I found out everything the state had on him. I found out that 8,000 of the 15,000 pictures downloaded was sadomasochistic, where the children were being tortured for other people’s sexual pleasure. I found out that most of his downloaded photos were of infants to toddlers and prepubescent children. All of them little girls. Where are they now? What happened to them? Are they still being tortured? Was it happening to them at that very moment? I found out that he took pictures of several other little girls that the FBI can’t even identify. When did he have time for that? How could he have been doing that and I not know? How were we having a happy marriage, a happy family, a fulfilling sex life while that was going on?

    I was suddenly so thankful that I signed the papers before knowing all that. Because of a plea deal he’s getting a minimum of fifteen years but nothing is official until sentencing. Now when my daughter learns of what happened, she will know that I divorced him for her and not because of his sentence.

    I left the kids with my parents yesterday and took a couple of days for myself at the beach to reflect, refresh and renew. I’m glad this is finally coming to an end. After knowing what I know now, it makes it a little harder to keep my word about supporting him through this. All of those children, the ones who’s pictures he downloaded and the ones he took, they are real victims. When their pictures are downloaded it causes a demand for more pictures to be created. I feel the need to spread the word. I feel like something good has to come out of this in some way. I’m trusting in God to direct my path from here and for now, I’m going to keep my word. I’m going to choose to wake up everyday and forgive. I’m choosing life for myself and for my kids. I’m choosing happiness. I’m choosing a fresh start. And I’m encouraging all who read this to do the same. Choosing to leave a pedophile isn’t breaking your family up or giving up on the one you love, it’s choosing life. It’s allowing yourself to be free. Believe it or not, you do deserve it.

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  14. I knew my soon to be ex had issues, even before we were married, but who I saw was a man on fire for God, and those things wouldn’t affect him anymore. But secretly I lived in great fear throughout our marriage. About a year and a half ago, i found out my husband was unfaithful to me with men and he had been viewing child pornography our whole marriage of almost 6 years.

    He was turned in, and was honest about everything that he had done, wasn’t convicted of anything. It seemed there was a period of genuine repentance and getting the accountability that he needed. Needless to say after awhile, he went back to pursuing men and walked away from our family. A secular therapist, psychologist, said he was safe around our children because he is not attracted to that gender. But he has agreed to supervised visits. These are voluntary, nothing had entered court, because no convictions.

    My mom currently supervises and I do occasionally. What would you do? How do you get over the what seemed to be real spiritual awakenings, and kind of like he’s distorted the gospel, because He knew the truth? How do you wrestle with the sovereignty of God in all this? What are the best boundaries to be set when I’m still interacting with him? Thanks!

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  15. Dear Fighting in Christ,

    First let me say that I am very sorry you have found yourself in this painful place of betrayal and gas lighting. I am glad that you are being proactive in protecting yourself and most importantly, your children.

    You ask important questions regarding genuine repentance ad the sovereignty of God. The answers to these questions may help you understand how to set healthy and appropriate boundaries for yourself and your children.

    Addiction is a horrible disease and involves so much deception, manipulation and narcissism. And those who claim a relationship with Jesus must resort to distortion of scripture and hiding in order to justify their continued criminal and immoral behavior. And they do it brilliantly. Genuine repentance offers no excuses, no blame-shifting and a heartfelt acceptance of personal responsibility. It also consistently walks out that repentance in terms of changed behavior and humility.

    Very few of those of us who were/are married to pedophiles and/or sex addicts get to see genuine repentance. It is very rare. But what about the sovereignty of God? How you answer this question will depend on your theological construct. Personally, I believe that each human being has been granted free will and God steps back and respects that freedom to choose, even when it hurts ourselves or others. Otherwise it would not be our freedom to choose, would it? Its not that he can’t stop or won’t stop those who hurt others, its that he respects our freedom to choose just that much. We are constantly being wounded by the choice that others make and yet we would not want God to restrict our freedom to choose, would we?

    Its a tough conundrum but God has willingly limited himself out of respect for this right that he granted to us. Since your soon-to-be-ex has the freedom to choose and he does not demonstrate true repentance, you must have good boundaries in order to continue to protect yourself and your children. Understand that you cannot take anything he says at face value and automatically believe it, no matter how good it sounds. He will say/do whatever he needs to in order to shift the responsibility for his criminal behavior and do not rest completely on the fact that he may not be attracted to your children’s gender. Even therapists are deceived by these guys because they are that good at deception.

    You ask very good questions and one that many of us have also wrestled with. Kudos on opting to protect rather than believe at face value.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  16. A year ago, I woke up to police banging on our door with a search warrant for child pornography. I was stunned. I kept telling the police they had made a huge mistake, obviously someone hacked our internet, there is no way an image was uploaded from our IP address. I kept trying to make eye contact with my husband; when he finally locked eyes with me, I looked searchingly at him, perplexed, but he looked away. And my heart dropped down into my stomach.

    I was married to my husband for 12 years and we were high school sweethearts. I had been with him for over half my life, and there was this entire other side of him I never even knew about. We have two young children, and had what I thought was a perfect life: we were happy, we owned our home, successful careers, financially stable. It was what I had worked for my entire life, a loving family of four.

    He destroyed all of that. He was arrested and sentenced to three years in prison. And now I’m left picking up the pieces of what he broke.

    I’ve filed for divorce. I’m moving on. I know I’ve made the right decision. But I still struggle with reconciling the person I thought he was to me and the person he actually is. How did I not know? How will I ever trust again? When I think about where my life is now, I feel incredible sadness. I miss the comfort and security of my old life. I know it was an illusion, but I am grieving.

    I just need to know this gets better. I need to know that my children will understand why I walked away when they are older. I am 35 years old and I feel like I am starting over. I don’t know what the future holds, and it is unnerving. I followed all of the rules, and the rug was pulled out from under me.

    I never saw it coming.

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  17. Shattered- I am so sorry for what you are going through. There is nothing quite like that shock of having the police show up at your door and telling you unbelievable things. It’s like an IUD device exploding in your life. My ex’s arrest caused severe PTSD for me and it has been a long healing process. It sounds like you are on your way to moving forward but it’s difficult to believe the reality of the situation. I couldn’t give up the dream of what i thought my life was supposed to look like for a few years. I kept denying my reality. But in time it does get better and I’m finally feeling like my future will be good. The things that helped me get through it were a trauma trained, sex addiction therapist who did EMDR and a good support network. I found a couple support groups that have been extremely helpful. Im starting over at 56…and it has been hard but life is still good and i am grateful for the growth i have gained through the healing process. Hang in there!

    Sharon

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  18. Please help me. My children’s father has molested his best friend daughter. I left him but I don’t know how to cope. I am growing weary and losing hope.

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  19. Dear Shattered,
    Your experience is so very similar to mine. It is a terrifying and confusing experience but I can promise you that there is healing and recovery and you will learn to trust again.

    Reconciling the person you thought you knew with the person you discovered after the police showed up is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. I wrote extensively about my own process on my blog (click on my hyperlinked name). I often use the metaphor of a man who acts out the events of his life on a stage in front of the curtain. He acquires all of the “props” that he needs to convince the world that what they are seeing is actually his real life. You and I are one of the props as are our children.

    But no one gets to see what is behind the curtain–in fact, he probably isn’t fully aware of what is there. That is the horror of this disease. We never knew our husbands because no one is allowed to know them.

    You will heal, you may even remarry at some point in the future. Slcoleman is right, therapy works, especially trauma-informed therapy; EMDR helps tremendously as does reading and learning all you can about pedophilia. Your children will understand in time but not right now.

    There are many women who have walked this journey. You are not alone; you did not cause this, cannot control it and certainly could never cure it.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  20. Dear Rebecca,

    I am so sorry for the crisis that you are in–discovering this horrible secret has to be one of the most devastating things that can happen to a person. Not only has the life you know ended, but a child was hurt. I am so proud of you for decisively standing with the child and protecting your own children. This took great courage and resolve.

    I found that finding a good therapist, one who works from a trauma perspective, was incredibly helpful. I also discovered that a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist who has experience working with partners was incredibly helpful in my own recovery. I also began attending S-Anon, a 12-step program for family and friends of a sex addict. These things saved my life and enabled me to go on. I highly recommend them to you.

    As long as there is life, there is hope. You will survive this, you will grow from it and you will move on, in time. With support, you will be happy again. You will laugh and enjoy life again. It has been over six years since my own world exploded. Since that time, I became a Nana to three wonderful little girls, am happily remarried, and reestablished my career and financial stability. My children are doing very well–we have all grown from the experience.

    You are weary–I get that. Rest, find trusted individuals to accompany you on this healing journey and hang onto hope, even when it is darkest. You are not alone.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  21. I found out not quite a week ago that my husband had molested our 12 year old daughter a few times over a few months last year. I am seriously torn and I am having trouble reconciling the man I know with someone who could do this. The trooper in charge of his case talked to me and said that he admitted to being addicted to pornography (not child porn) and that while he was touching our little girl he was replaying the porn in his head. She just happened to be an available vagina to look at. We have been together for 13 years and while I know that something happened to him as a child, he still refuses to talk about it.
    I know it sounds stupid but I do still love him and while a part of me really wants to hate him for this, I just feel sorry for him. At this point I dont have any plans to divorce him but we can never live together again. I have to protect our daughter and sons. He admitted to it and all of the legal proceedings are just starting.
    I am my daughter’s advocate in all of this right now but he is broken and needs prayer too. His parents came to talk to me and while his dad yelled at me for not telling them as soon as it happened and his mom tried to make me comfort her because she couldnt have possibly have had anything to do with how he turned out, right? Then both of them repeatedly asking me who hurt him as a child because they didn’t know anything about it. Did they? Probably not but his background here was seriously messed up and they may not have noticed if he was missing a finger if someone else had bandaged it up and told him not to tell.
    The hardest part of all of it is that he had forced himself to stop and hadn’t done anything to her for over a year. He does care I just cant trust him. He will be getting jail time, how much we will just have to wait and see, but me also being a victim of sexual abuse as a 13 year old I don’t understand how he could go through whatever he did as a child and then put one of his own children through something like this.
    I feel like this is a jumbled mess and I am sorry for that and I have no idea if I am doing the right things with trying to support my daughter and still letting him talk to me, I dont know how to support the 4 of us left at home financially or emotionally as the neighbors talk and ignore us. Dont get me wrong I have found out that I have an amazing support system, and the people that truly know him dont hate him like I was terrified that they would.
    Sorry for the rant but I do have one question that I didn’t notice in other comments; Is it normal to get mad at people that dont know him well but are aquantances that are trying to lend support but end up doing so by saying things like “I hope he gets the maximum sentence” and “I never liked him much anyway but I consider you and the kids to be family.”

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  22. Dear Dazed and Overwhelmed,
    There is no rule book or guidebook on how to navigate the horror that you are experiencing. There is no “normal” way to handle this. Each situation is unique and each woman has to find her own “normal.” Having said that, there are some things that all of us who were unfortunate enough to marry a perpetrator have experienced. You have read much of it on this thread.

    It is not unusual to have conflicting feelings about your husband/perpetrator. Up until you knew, you did not know. This is the man you fell in love with and married. Maybe there were problems in the relationship, maybe there weren’t. But the bottom line is, you loved him then and you love him now. He is the father of your children–you’ve spent many years in close relationship with him. You cannot turn that love off overnight.

    It is not unusual to feel protective of him, to an extent. Not all help or comfort offered is helpful or comforting. People say stupid and thoughtless things in a misguided attempt to “help.” You are torn between the real victim–your daughter–and the perpetrator who may co-opt a victim stance.

    It is critical to take the rose-colored glasses off and remind yourself of the brutal truth of what has happened. Your husband betrayed you and your children. He invited pornography into your home and he acted out on your 12-year-old daughter. She will never fully recover from what he did to her. She can find a healthier place with time and skilled therapists but she will never forget the violation she experienced at her father’s hands. As hard as it is to accept, this is the truth of the horror that you are living.

    Perpetrators are incredibly skilled at gas lighting, minimization, denial,blame-shifting, and playing the victim. One of the hardest tasks of recovery after being in a romantic relationship with a perpetrator is to understand that not everything they said was true. They have a different relationship with the truth than we do. One thing that helped me understand this was to re-read the police report and court transcripts again and again and again. These documents were unbiased and objective–something to put an anchor into.

    I urge you to find a therapist who is trained in trauma and sex addiction. I urge you to find a support group such as S-Anon. You need the support as you navigate this difficult journey. It is time to put the oxygen mask on yourself so that you can survive to help your children recover. In time you will figure out how to support yourself and whether to divorce or not. Now is the time to just breathe, get support and lean into recovery. You are not alone and you will survive.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  23. I am lost, my ex partner I found out molested my 4 daughter he is in a sexual relationship with my 18 year old that he has apparently been with since age 12. Not one of my daughter will come forward and he offen cares for 2 of my grandchildren. There has been over 5 allagations and nun of them have seen him charged ….. we share 3 younger children that he has not seen in over 12 months but he is still in my town in my family, I warn as many people as possible to keep their children away.
    I just want to be free

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  24. For any wife staying with a husband who is a child molester, don’t do it. Just don’t.

    I found out, told a close relative on my spouse’s side, they intervened. He swore it would never happen again. I stayed. For ten years, I felt like I was a parole officer, watching his every move, being afraid to leave the house if he was alone with the kids, fighting not to fall asleep before him.

    And after ten years, I found out that it had never stopped. Well…it stopped for two to three weeks and then started right back up. And when his victim grew up and left home, he moved on to the youngest child. The original victim never even realized he was hurting the youngest. The other siblings never knew at all. And despite all of my watchfulness, I never caught it. The second time there was no hesitation; I walked. It has destroyed my future, my financial health and my ability to trust anyone. Yet the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it ten years earlier. The original victim would have been less damaged and the youngest would have never been molested.

    I try to reassure myself that the laws have changed and what would have been a very minor offense was now a criminal, prison-term offense. Perhaps he would have still gotten visitation rights and still have damaged the children. I don’t know. But I do know that you cannot “supervise” a child molester. They won’t stop. I truly believed that I was able to stop it; living with the reality is bitter and painful. Don’t listen to the stories and don’t believe that you “still love him”. You are in love with a person who doesn’t exist…the person you THOUGHT you knew. That person isn’t real. The real person is a child molester and will say and do anything to keep getting access to the object of his REAL desire. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit and take your children with you.

    Because as hard as the reality is as a single parent (and likely one without child support), it isn’t as hard as being destroyed, minute-by-minute, year-by-year by a self-centered deviant. My life is harder, I am tired all the time, but it is still so much better than what it would have been, what it was.

    You aren’t different and neither is he. It is, sadly, a well-worn tale. You are, however, strong enough, brave enough and loving enough to leave.

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  25. Dear Kylie,

    I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing at the injustice of this horrendous betrayal. Are you connected with a therapist or support group?

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  26. I’m certain it’s highly normal- after reading 90% of these posts/comments- I’m still confused and highly conflicted. While many advocate for “leaving the dirt bag behind” and move onward and upward, again, I’m certain that is all easier said than done.

    After nearly 10 yrs of a combination of being together then getting married- it’s been 9 months now that my spouse has been in jail and looking down the pipeline of nearly 10 yrs of incarceration. In trying to stay of spiritual mind and morals- I’m conflicted with the ever popular “should we stay married” elephant in the room. While I am not okay with, nor do I agree with what he has done, alternatively, I have accepted what he has done- in the very effort for my own mental health and sanity. He’s done a horrible thing and there are many (not of spiritual faith) that would leave him (them) to rot in prison and throw away the key. I still love him (after all, what do the vows “for better or worse” really mean?), I truly want him to get the professional help he needs and requires, but whatever I say- it all just sound like excuses. There’s the “yeah but” that precedes every explanation to justify my reasoning. During more emotional times, I even blame myself for not noticing sooner in order to intervene/stop it earlier. Obviously, there’s more to my story (that’s why we’re all here right?), nutshell: I’ve lost my family, I’ve lost my home, my beautiful step-daughter was taken away (I don’t get to see her again), I’ve had to relinquish my handsome brindle pittie- AND, I haven’t worked in 10 yrs. <>

    Yes- I can hear many of you now- WTF? why is this chick even remotely confused or conflicted? Rest assured, I have this argument with myself nearly on a daily basis. With God’s grace, I still don’t know how to figure out whether to stay or go. This alone makes me believe I am sick too, because this should be such an easy decision.

    Anything more from this point forward would just be babbling on. Thanks for letting me get this out.

    L.

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  27. I found out while gone on a mission trip that my husband of 24 years did something over a decade ago that could be seen as molestation. My daughter called me and told me what happened and I was devastated. She told me they engaged in coprophilia when she was around 10. (13-14 years ago) she said he never touched her and he never touched him. He was fully clothed. She said she moved on past the incident and never told me because or family was so perfect she didn’t want to be the reason for a split.
    First and foremost I acknowledged she is a victim and even if she thinks she has moved pa past this she needs professional help.
    Now my question is what do I do? I’m disgusted, horrified, mortified and a million other feelings. I really thought we had a great relationship. He didn’t deny this happened and he takes full responsibility for his actions. He stated he is not a pedo , I’m sure you googled coprophelia by now. He said he used her as a tool for the fetish, and he has been plagued with shame all these years. He realized how disturbing and disgusting this was and he said it never happened again.
    Has anyone even remotely gone through any thing similar? Can or should my marriage be saved? I don’t think he is a threat. My pastor spoke to him and is confident he is not a threat. Any advice would be most appreciated.

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  28. I feel alone. Although I know I am not. So many of you have been through so much. I am confused. Our marriage has never been great. Marked by what I now label as verbal abuse. He got some help (me pressuring him with ultimatums at every turn). Counseling, meeting with our pastor, meds, dv intervention class, celebrate recovery, etc.

    Things actually have seemed better recently. Not great, but ok and sometimes pleasant. He helps a lot with the kids (8, 10 and 12) Over the years I have noticed a time or two him wrestling with our kids, tickling, etc and I see that he’s aroused. I feel like vomiting. I confronted him. “Oh that just happens… that’s just how guys are.” I’ve talked to a few others about it. I can’t gauge what I should do. How alarmed should I be? He says “that’s horrible, I would never do anything like that..” Lots of time went by. The issue fell off my radar and I had almost forgotten about it.

    This past week, I walked in on him tickling our 10 year old daughter. I could see again he was aroused. I got super triggered and yelled at him to stop. I later confronted him. He totally denied being aroused. “Of course not!” he said. We recently uprooted and moved far from home. I have no close friends or family here. It’s military. I don’t know what to do. I guess I have just been “believing” him these past years. Sort of. He hasn’t really done anything.

    I am a survivor of child molestation. Could it just be I am triggered and suspicious by my own past? He also has shown very low sexual interest in me. I have wondered if there’s something else on his mind. Seriously wanting some feedback and direction. Thank you ladies!

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  29. Hi Rain Girl,
    I have never responded here before. Your situation does seem concerning, but maybe some men really do get aroused easily. I’m not sure. I would definitely recommend finding a good counselor for your children. Hopefully, they will disclose there if there has been any type of abuse or inappropriate sexual behavior. I would not recommend leaving him unless your kids have actually said something is wrong to someone besides you. My kids and I went through that nightmare. Their Father did numerous odd things and crossed boundaries over the years, but the kids never said anything until we finally left. By then, he had filed for divorce and the courts accused me of coaching my girls. I only left for their safety as some dear friends voiced their concerns and encouraged me to leave as they didn’t think he was safe. I already had concerns, but would have never told anyone The way it played out, he ended up with 50/50 custody. I would have never left if I thought they would be alone with him. My oldest has had zero contact with him in the last five years and is now in her senior year of college. She has experienced so much healing, but is as disgusted by our legal system as I am. The younger two are now free as well, but that is the Lord’s doing. We are so thankful. He should be in jail, but at least my girls don’t have to be alone with him anymore. Trust your instincts. BTW, my oldest loves God with all of her heart in spite of the nightmare she went through with her ‘father’. God will bring you guys through this, if your husband actually is a creepo. It was an absolute nightmare, but we are on the other side now. There are still occasional triggers, but they are getting to be less and less.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Dear Rain Girl,

    I saw your story (posted 4 days ago on 10/25/18). I am so sorry for what you’re going through and the fears of what may happen (or has happened) to your children.

    I’m also sad that your husband has to be threatened before he is willing to get help for his abusive behavior. The fact that YOU see it, and HE does not, worries me. It says he’s not very self-aware. If he doesn’t have a conscience, he will not improve on his own. If you’ve had to force him into counseling, meds, domestic violence treatment, pastoral counseling, and other interventions, YOU HAVE DONE ALL YOU CAN.

    Sadly, that means he doesn’t have much of a conscience. And that is a scary problem. We all want a spouse who is trustworthy. We don’t want to be the police officer or probation officer who follows him around. That is not a partnership. It is not a loving marriage. It’s a parent/child — or police/criminal — relationship.

    Many child molesters are really good at not being caught. I didn’t catch mine for 7 years, even though later he admitted to his court-approved sex offender program director that he’d had dozens of victims.

    I think you have to go with your gut instinct. You’re his wife, so you know exactly what he looks like when he’s aroused. He can deny it, but you know his pattern, right? Trust your own judgment. I completely understand the difficulty you are facing. Without proof, you are not likely to get 100% physical custody or monitored visitation from the court (which is what my ex-husband had).

    If you wish to stay with him, that is your choice. You sound like a loving, forgiving wife, who has put up with a lot of bad behavior for many years. You have forgiven over and over. You have tried and tried. You have given it your best. You have asked for every type of counseling and help. I imagine you have prayed a lot. It hasn’t worked. Only you can decide whether you can trust him, and it doesn’t sound as though you can.

    I am not a counselor, but I would vote that you leave—if not right now, then some time in the future. Pedophilia is a horrible thing to have in your home. See this Harvard article: It says “There is no cure, so the focus is on protecting your children.”

    https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/pessimism-about-pedophilia

    In my experience, if you choose to end the marriage, I think you will find that your kids will be grateful later in life, even though (at first) they will be very sad. The benefits:
    1. They will see that Mom puts the kids’ well-being first.
    2. They will learn good boundaries so they won’t be codependent in their relationships.
    3. They start healing immediately. (The toll of them, having to watch your husband’s bad behavior, is devastating.)

    Right now, you husband has 100% access to your kids. There’s no way you can possibly watch him 24/7, even though many of us wives of pedophiles think we can. If you leave, he will have 50% access That is better than 100%.

    Also, be sure you’ve documented everything — what you observed, what you said, what he said and the date/time. Tell a few friends/family, and asked them to write it down. That probably won’t be good enough for the court system, but it will be important to tell your children later, when they are older.

    My prayers are with you. It’s a tough choice. I left my pedophile husband, and have been very happy I did. The first two years were tough, but my kids came out great. They grew up and finished their educations and got good jobs. They still love their dad and see him, but they know how to keep their boundaries up when they are around him.

    —Anon3

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  31. I’ve probably, or someone else has probably, pointed this out already, but it bears repeating; child molestation is a form of adultery, and hence the person married by a child molester may freely choose whether to divorce the perpetrator, separate, or whatever, and the church the victim/other parent belongs to ought to help in such cases. Get a lawyer, do what you need to do.

    The only theological tradition I’m aware even modifies this is that of Bill Gothard/IBLP, and I’d even guess that if you held their feet to the fire, they’d at least endorse a separation. If not, they deserve to be on the manure pile of theological history.

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  32. The comment by heartsdominique August 6, 2017 @ 5:16 PM about the reaction by the wife was not that surprising to me. Denial turned inside-out. It also brought to memory that not all pedophiles are men, though they’re in the high majority. A journalist recently wrote a book on the history of sexual abuse on Pitcairn Island, and a particularly cruel and vicious sexual predator was a (female) nurse who initially studied and trained at the Seventh Day Adventist Hospital in Sydney, Her husband was also an active sexual abuse collaborator.

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  33. Still slapped stupid. It has been over a year since I learned my husband of 40 years molested our granddaughter. My immediate reaction after disbelief/shock/horror was to throw him out. He was arrested but when released on bail had no place to go and no one to help him. I let him come home to a separate bedroom. My family was furious. I have taken care of him since I was 18 years old I don’t know how to stop. I have been abused, threatened and criticized by friends, family, neighbors. I have had people pounding on my door in the wee hours of the morning threatening my life.

    I knew my granddaughter had been molested because of teacher training courses I had taken. I tried to get her to tell me who or what had happened. She staunchly and repeatedly told me I was wrong. I saw nothing in her behavior or his that made me believe it was my husband. I thought It was a friend of her father’s or her mother’s boyfriend since she refused to stay in a house when either was present. I second guess, over analyze, replay every action, word, behavior that happened under my roof trying to figure out what I missed seeing. I still don’t know. I feel insane.

    She went to school one morning after Grandpa had eaten her butt over making a mess for Grandma to clean up and told all. The fallout has been devestating for everyone. She is now living with her father which she does not want. I am working 16 hour days (it’s a farm, not exaggerating the hours), My son is furious with me because I still talk to and see the “monster”. I am first and foremost a Christian. I believe that no sin is past forgiveness. I know I am not without sin and as such I can’t bring myself to cast the stone.

    He is currently serving a long prison sentence. As old as we are I doubt we will both live long enough for him to get out of prison. It hurts me to see him there but he has to reap the consequences of his behavior. The easiest thing for me to do would be to turn my back on him and start a new life and hopefully repair family relationships with others but easy has never been my path.

    I love my granddaughter and son. I want her to get all the help and therapy she needs but my son is blocking that.

    I wake up everyday wishing for the pain/confusion to stop. I don’t wish to go back to before because the pain that I am carrying now would still be my granddaughter’s alone. I deeply feel for every woman who has posted here. Thank you for sharing because I now know I am normal crazy not just crazy.

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  34. I have nightmares after the FBI raided my house for my now ex husband. I didn’t know. I left the moment I found out. I’m done with him but I still have nightmares. I’m remarried but its extremely hard to be with my good husband. Is this normal, what book can I read to help me? please I feel so alone in this. I knew he was a bad husband (abusive) but I didn’t know this. Why am I still messed up from what he did?

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  35. Jessica,

    I can only speak from my experience, but i had really bad PTSD from how the police arrest went down and from the sheer shock of finding out my husband was a pedophile (and in my case gay). Talk therapy did nothing to help that. It was when i found a trauma informed therapist that i was able to get help for the flashbacks and emotional triggers. EMDR was the most helpful tool for me. I’m sorry you are struggling with the affects of what your ex-husband did. It is a horrific thing to go through and not something many people can understand. It has been 4 years since my ordeal and i have had 2 years of trauma counseling. I am finally feeling calm. A book that was helpful for me was “Sleeping With a Stranger: How I Survived Being Married to a Child Molester” by Patricia Wikland.

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Jessica,

    I am so sorry you’ve been through this kind of devastation. It takes time to work through the crisis and betrayal.

    I agree with slcoleman3’s advice (above).

    You are not alone. Your story is familiar. There is hope for peace. Other wives have had their lives changed instantly when the police or FBI or SWAT team has arrested their husband.

    I would recommend you read the blog by another woman who experienced the same things you have, and went on to marry a very nice man. It has taken time, but her life (and her kids’ lives) have adjusted.

    Her blog goes through the emotions of grief, anger, shame, and trying to put life together again. She offers support and encouragement…and hope for happiness.

    http://brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html

    -Anon3

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  37. I can’t seem to get a handle on this. Right now I am furiously angry with the perpetrator. The grief is choking me. At first I was angry enough I threw my husband out but then I was heartbroken when he got sentenced to several years in prison. I was married to him for forty years. I couldn’t turn off the love I felt for him. But now I am angry again. At any point do you start to feel normal again? Please someone talk to me.

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  38. I was engaged to be married. We had just had our only child. Meanwhile I was in the process of adopting 3 children I had cared for over 4 years. Then the allegation were made. My fiance was arrested for sexually abusing the girl. The three boys and were homeless for the duration of the interview. We suffered through criminal court and family court. He is currently incareated, I gave up the children whom I had intended to adopt. Now its just me and my son whose a few years old. We love in a small town and it feels like everyone ia gossiping about me, even my clients. They confront me often and I try to deny any association. Years have passed since the incident yet i cant seem to live it down. I’m fearful my son will be scrutinized as well once he begins school. I was the victim of grooming, I lost 3 children and a fiance, am a single mom lefy to WORRY about her son and still struggling financially now as a result. My buisness is suffering.

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  39. Dear Grace,
    I apologize for the late response to your cry for help. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this horrendous betrayal. “Normal” eventually arrives but it is a new normal. The life you had prior to his betrayal is gone and a new and healthier one beckons. There is no way to the new normal, however, than through the grief. And it is normal to have conflicted feelings of anger and yet love. You spent 40 years with this man and built a life and family with him; you don’t turn that love off overnight.

    Working through the grief process and constantly telling yourself the truth about what happened helps. I found S-Anon, therapy with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, reading and understanding all that I could about pedophilia and sex addiction, and reading the police reports and court transcripts helped. If you prefer interacting via private email or phone, Julie Anne will put you in contact with me.

    Hugs
    Brenda

    Like

  40. Dear Thismama,

    Living in a small town is indeed challenging with this kind of betrayal. I lived in a suburb or a major metropolitan city but it had a small-town feel and the gossip was incredible, particularly since it was a public arrest. I am grateful that I was able to quickly relocate.

    You have experienced multiple losses due to his betrayal and I am so sorry. This is not the life you thought you would have nor is it how you envisioned your family. Are you seeing a therapist?

    If you would like to talk via private email and/or phone, please contact Julie Anne. She can put you in contact with me.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Like

  41. I just found out like an hour ago. I want to ask him for divorce but how am I going to support myself and two kids. I have a part time job on weekends.
    Please help me.

    Like

  42. Raquel, I am so sorry to hear the very sad news that your husband is a pedophile. I would encourage you to carefully share your story to safe people who will come alongside you and help you. It’s going to be important to have those safe people to ask advice, get encouragement/support.

    You will probably find a lot of support and resources at your local domestic violence shelter. They will have information on how to move forward.

    Take one day at a time. It’s going to be difficult, but you can do this. I will also send you a link to our private forum. Although the forum has not been too active lately, I think you will get encouragement from reading the stories of other women who have gone through the same thing you are going through.

    Please keep us posted on how you are doing. If you need help in finding resources in your area, please let me know.

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  43. I found out six months ago that my now ex-husband had been sexually assaulting my daughter for two years. She finally got the courage to tell someone. As soon as I found out, I left with my three children and never looked back. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since, but we are now divorced. He is still awaiting trial. It hasn’t been easy but we will struggle through this and thrive. Unraveling the emotional abuse, manipulation and control by him is really hard. He made me feel like a loser for so long, and I’m working hard to break free of his lies. It’s still so hard to believe this happened to us.

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  44. Mom of 3, you are amazing. You have done the right thing to protect your children. The fact that you believed your daughter and acted upon it promptly, as soon as you heard, will probably make it easier for her to recover, and speaks volumes to her and your other children.

    I’m very sorry that you have had to go through this atrocity. You are going to make it. And your kids will also make it because you are living in the truth. I respect you so much!

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  45. I originally posted here in the fall of 2017, concerned that my then-husband was having accusations made against him for inappropriate behavior with minors online. At the time, I was terrified to leave, mainly because I didnt want him to have unsupervised visits with my children, and feared a court would grant him visitation since I had no proof of these allegations.

    So, its many, many months since my last post, detailing the accusations made against my now ex-husband. I took the advice given to me on here. Got a different phone, not connected to him, stockpiled some cash, got an attorney, began telling people, made sure I had copies of birth certificates, social security info, bank info, opened up my own bank account. The divorce process was long and grueling. I eventually got him to consent to supervised visitation. Then our divorce moved along and he was granted unsupervised visitation, as I’d always feared. I needn’t have worried. He never really exercised his right to visitation.

    Our divorce was finalized on May 31, 2019. On June 28, 2019, I received a visit from the Department of Homeland Security. They were there to inform me that they’re currently investigating my ex-husband for exploitation of a minor, specifically child pornography. They’ve asked to interview my children, who are now 9 and 2. I gave consent, but the interview hasn’t taken place yet. I told them about my filing for divorce based on my suspicions of his inappropriate behaviors. They didnt confirm or deny anything. Only said that they were investigating. I’ve had no further contact with them.

    After they left, I saw my ex husband drive by my house, then immediately afterward, I received a call from a local number I didnt recognize. It was my ex husband, on a prepaid phone. He began to make up some story about why he was calling from a different number, and I stopped him and asked if it was because Homeland Security had taken his. He confirmed this. He also confessed to me, and stated that he had given a full confession to the authorities. He handed over any and all devices he owns. He said that on one device alone were contained over 500 images and videos. He’s been forthcoming with authorities and me, admitting to possessing this material, sending it to others, receiving it…its like they traded them like kids trade baseball cards. It’s disgusting, honestly. He’s given them info of all the people he shared material with, in hopes of a lighter punishment, and is trying to find an attorney. He has yet to be arrested. He hasn’t told any of his family about any of this. I haven’t told any of mine, but I have shared it with a couple of very close friends.

    I guess, I’m just giving an update. And also wanted to post so that other women who may stumble upon this forum because they have suspicions about their spouse know that you should always trust your instincts. I had no proof, was terrified, went through the whole divorce process and no one discovered anything. Yet, at the end of the day, my gut was telling me the truth all along, even though no one believed me. Truth will always rise.to the surface. I also wanted to ask if any of the other posters had any advice for what steps to take now, or info on what to expect since it’s still an ongoing investigation.
    Thanks!

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  46. Hello,
    I have been divorced from my pedaphile husband for almost 17 years but I have always been in contact with him on a weekly or daily basis, hoping things could change, and because I thought it was appropriate, because of my sons.
    As of this past week, I have cut myself off from contact with him, and pray that I can stay away. My minister and 2 others are supporting me in this.
    I have not shared this with my sons as yet, though I shared the ongoing tragic situation of their dad, with them, years ago.
    I have just discovered this sight, having felt so alone for so many years. Thank you so very much.

    Like

  47. I need some support. I found out a year ago my husband molested put daughter when she was 8. He moved out. I struggle because I loved him very deep. I’m in counseling but can’t seem to get past the loss of a spouse. I’m heartbroken

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  48. Living this nightmare hes going back to trial nov 4th my marriage is not good. We barely speak my storys alittle different tho but thanks for letting me know im not alone in this

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  49. I’m so glad I found this blog.
    I would love to know some resources for protecting my children legally, my husband has a very serious porn addiction, specifically beastiality and child pornography.
    I found his searches for sexual child abuse in 2011 and he denied it for 5 years.

    Then finally told me it was him and we have now been separated for 3 years.
    He refuses to get professional help.
    He was also molested for years as a child.

    I tried desperately to seek help at my home church, but they were firm in urging me to stay in my marriage no matter what.
    I went to the self help clinic at the courthouse, and they told me I have no solid evidence, and that if my child is harmed and I have a doctors report or police report, THEN they will protect my child.

    I’m afraid to file for divorce because if they will give him visitation or custody, I can’t protect my son.

    Sorry for the long post but I’m desperate and grateful for any help!
    Thank you for sharing your story, encouragement and wisdom

    Like

  50. Anonymous, police in your town may not have a good grasp of those issues, but there are people who specialize in outing child porn users and distributors around the country. I bet if you find some of them, you will get some assistance in getting some help for your husband, whether that help be counseling to deal with this addiction (it exists), incarceration, or whatever. Yes, given the harm that occurs to the kids in the pictures/movies, somehow “counseling” doesn’t sound like enough, but if it reduces or eliminates the desire to use that, that’s still a win, no?

    I can’t speak to the level of evidence that you have, but unless your husband is extraordinarily good at covering his tracks online, there is a trail that will lead back to these things that can be found by a good IT guy. The mere threat that this could be done can be enough to scare someone straight.

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  51. He refuses to get professional help.

    BB, he refuses to get professional help! She can’t force him to get counseling.

    Anonymous, I’m very sorry. I don’t know if it would help to go to the FBI (about the porn) or a lawyer (I would see one about divorce if you haven’t already to talk through options for protecting your child). I don’t know if the self help clinic at the courthouse is quite enough for this problem. Hopefully someone will have better ideas.

    Liked by 1 person

  52. Lea, absolutely, she cannot force him to do so. No argument there. What I’m saying is somewhat different; that with either a well-placed bluff or knowledge of evidence, she might manage to intimidate him with the prospect of time in the graybar hotel, where child molesters and users of child porn tend….not to do very well. See what I’m getting at?

    FBI might be a good place to start, too. Agreed. And no doubt that what I’m saying is a maybe, not a definite. But it might be a start.

    Like

  53. I agree with Lea.

    Talk to a lawyer. It sounds like you are providing sole care of the children, and that may weigh in significantly in your desire to protect them. Each state will have different criteria for determining custody.
    Consider calling the FBI. Child porn is a state and a federal crime, and even if the local police aren’t interested or equipped to investigate, the FBI may be.
    Consider looking for a church that will provide real support. Churches tend to put the institution of marriage over the people in it. If you need to stay married to protect your kids, so be it, but porn addiction that your husband refuses to turn away from is grounds for divorce in all but the most patriarchal churches. If you end up deciding to divorce, your church (if they’re like other churches that protect the marriage at all costs) will put you under discipline.

    As an IT guy… chances are pretty good that there is evidence all over his computer and all over the internet.

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  54. I was married to a pedophile for 15 years and I just finally left him yesterday. I cried myself to sleep last night. I still have to supervise him to visit our 3 youngest children(children’s aid told me to)…..It kills me that I am still in love with him and wish my feelings would just DIE. To have to see him still for another 6 years to supervise him(until my kids are 18)….really I have so many emotions -I feel like I am going to explode. I tried to stay with him but only on the condition that he admits what he did to our daughter when she was 10-to tell the truth. But he firmly refuses and says he did anything. He is lying. And I cannot be with him if he cannot even admit his problem. But now that Im not with him….my eyes feel opened more- strangely….like a slight freedom feeling. I feel overwhelmingly sad to lose his friendship of sooo many years and intimacy, which equally makes me feel GUILTY like Im a sick person to even have wanted to have any of that with him. I just hate this whole thing. I have to keep reminding myself this is NOT MY FAULT. He committed the crimes when I had zero clue he was sick. Anyways I could write a novel on this topic. Just feel all alone. No one I know could ever relate or understand that Im in pain missing him when I shouldnt be. I hope i can be truly truly happy again one day…cause it feels like im gonna be sad forever and this nightmare will haunt me to my grave.

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  55. Jennifer – I understand your pain. It’s so hard and confusing to know the person you love and were married to for so long could be a pedophile. The fact that he is still in denial is a huge red flag and i am so glad you had the sense to leave. My ex couldn’t face his deamons either. I went through the ‘love addiction” withdrawal for quite some time. I wanted to hold onto the fantasy that i could keep my family whole. I had to do my own work on denial, acceptance and letting go. I hope you can find a good therapist and support group to help you through the process. Keys for my healing have included learning to love myself more fully, work on codependency (i attend CODA group), have a lot of self-compassion and let myself grieve. I have found freedom and new life…the journey had been difficult but in time you can heal. Much love and prayers to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  56. Is Anyone Out There?
    About a year ago my significant other confessed his disgusting proclivities to me. He is a pedophile. The FBI has been to his home twice because he was looking at photos of young girls. This was l before we met. As time goes on more and more details come out. I feel so lost, suicidal, horrified, and utterly alone. You’d think I’d run for the hills- as a victim of sexual abuse as a child myself. Despite this- he is a great guy. Yet, somehow I feel tricked. I have asked him to get professional help. I understand he is scared of being ousted, but this is literally killing me. He has yet to pursue the help of a therapist or physician. I’ve developed an eating disorder. I see myself withering away and I don’t care. I’m embarrassed, horrified, and ashamed. I want to take my own life, if I didn’t have 3 rabbits I love to the moon and back I think I would have by now. There’s no one I can even speak to about this.
    Someone, anyone…please help.

    Thank you for reading this.

    -J

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  57. JME, Please call for help if you are feeling suicidal! 1-800-273 -8255 is the number if you are in the US.

    Yet, somehow I feel tricked.

    Odds are good he lied to you, so that makes sense. I have no experience with this particular issue (someone else will have specifics on that), but I’ve been lied to and it sucks but now several years out I felt pretty much nothing when he reached out. I would say leave. He isn’t getting therapy and you are suffering. Find support in family or friends, reach out. It will get better. It would be nice if we could turn off our feelings for a person but it just takes time.

    I am SO sorry for what you are going through but you need to take care of yourself! (Eating Disorders can be the most dangerous mental illness please get help for that too.)

    Like

  58. Hello. I’m looking for advice.
    I kicked my husband out of our house December 2018 because he was abusing drugs and wouldn’t stop. We have 2 babies together a 1 yr old and 2 yr old. For that reason we would frequently still see each other. In June of 2019 my oldest daughter his step daughter revealed that he has been sexually assaulting her for years. I also filed for divorce in June. There is a criminal case pending and 10 felony charges against him. I’m heartbroken because I thought we were going to get back together because I truly believed that he would stop using drugs. But once the truth came out about him assaulting my daughter everything changed. I completely immediately shut him out. I protected all my kids from him and have just one sole custody for our 2 children. The thing that is on my mind now is what about the relationship between my two little ones and his family? Should I allow them to see them? Can someone tell me from experience what can happen?

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  59. So sorry this is happening to you. As a person who just closed the door to the nightmare I went through recently, what I can say is I was told not to have any involvement with my ex husbands family. My husbands family knew he was a monster and still allowed him around my daughter and my stepdaughters. It always happens within the family, so it didn’t just happen with him. Someone in the family done it to him. I would protect my kids at all cost because at the end of the day, someone in that family should have had a heart and told you about what he was before you had children with him. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of it all..Grieving is going to take some time. Just remember when going through the criminal process, stay strong for your kiddos!

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  60. There are no adequate words to describe the feelings of finding out your spouse molested a four year child. We were foster parents for 10 years, and in June a sexual abuse allegation came up. A child came forward from four years ago. When CPS came to our home he adamantly denied any wrong doing. I was disgusted by the things that this child said that he did on several occasions when I was not at home. Afterwards I asked if there was any truth to the allegations and he didn’t answer. I asked again, still no answer. I said what did you do to this child? He replied I would be better off not to know. He then said he was ashamed of what he did. I asked if there could be more allegations, and he said there is always the possibility of more. These allegations came back unsubstantiated because there was not enough evidence even though they found the girls report credible. I talked to my adult children and fortunately he seems to have never touched any of them, at least not that they recall. I moved out within 3 weeks, and sent an email to the foster agency and took my name off the foster care license, and said it was because the allegations were true, and that no children should ever be placed with him. I found a letter from the foster care agency that inquired as to whether he continued fostering. I would have thought they would want to relook at the case. But now I feeling conflicted because the realization that although I have a decent job, it’s a struggle to support myself and my eight year old child. I have talked to a couple of attorneys, but I don’t have funds to retain one.Also my 8 year old son only wants to stay at Dads. He sees me as the bad parent who moved out and broke up our family that God picked for him. We adopted him out of foster care. I worry that his sisters may have been victims. We had two of them in our home for two years and another for one year. We also have had them over numerous times since they went to live with their dad. Another challenge is that I have to pick up extra to make ends meet, and I have no where else to leave him, but with Dad. I am not sure how much I should tell an 8 year old. My older kids feel like the 8 yr old is safe because the spouse shows a preference for girls. I have thought about moving back to try and get in a better financial place and so I at least have funds to get a divorce, and pay off the credit cards that I ran up just trying to get moved, and survive. I feel like the emotions are all over the place, and am finding it difficult to make a decision and stick to it.

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  61. I am divorced but still not “free” as I am forced to share custody against my daughters (4 & 7) will. 😢🙏

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  62. There are days I’m angry but the intense sadness is almost unbearable. My husband of 27.5 years has been arrested for sexually molesting 2 of our precious granddaughters. I had never heard the term “grooming” but a couple of our other granddaughters had been groomed which means he had laid some groundwork but never actually had enough time alone to get to the molestation part. Until I received the phone call from jail, I thought I had the perfect marriage and we were entering into our “golden years.” This man was a very integral part of our family and was so trusted by friends and family. He raised our family of 4 sons and 1 daughter in church. He taught our sons to be godly men and to love their wives and keep their children in church. We served in church (with children), were in a small group and he held my hand as we prayed – I never had an inkling that he was remotely attracted to children. One granddaughter told her parents and thankfully they believed her. We were on vacation at the time which gave them time to lay the groundwork for having him arrested. That was in November 2019 and now it’s Mary 2020 – he’s still in jail – I’ve told him that I do love him but I won’t support this in any way so no bond has been posted and he has a court appointed attorney – in my heart I know he loves his family and that this is a sickness. While in counseling, my question was – so what was real – our life or this secret – his answer was sadly both.

    So I’ve sold my home where we raised our children and truly had fun with grands and as I unpack – the grief and sadness is overwhelming. My church small group has continued to pour into me but when I ask for prayer for him – I get the look – no one understands how you can still love someone and not just turn your back on them. After this many years of marriage – love doesn’t just die. Today, I don’t think I’ll get a divorce – at 61 I’d never trust another man nor do I want to go there. Who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow. This roller coaster seems to be never ending – it’s been 6 months but feels like a lifetime.

    I don’t know anyone in this same situation nearby – thank goodness – I would not wish this on my worst enemy. None of our children will have anything to do with him and don’t seem to blame me because I do talk with him on the phone and we write letters – I can’t bring myself to visit him – maybe one day – I don’t know if that’s how I want to remember him. When he was arrested he confessed. He hasn’t had a hearing yet so I have no idea what kind of time he’ll be looking at – I know I can be supportive from afar – if he ever got out – not so sure what I’d do – don’t think I could live with him again – I’d choose my grands over him – now that I know what he’s capable of.

    Does the sadness get lighter? It just seems to get heavier and heavier. I’d love to hear from anyone who’s made it to a better place. I am a Christian and know that God loves me and is with me through it all. Life just sucks sometimes.

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  63. Sandy – I’m sorry I am just seeing this. Your situation is very similar to mine and as you talked about “what was real” I remember how difficult that piece was to process. It’s just hard to wrap your head around finding out your spouse is a pedophile. I hear you in your confusion around still feeling love, yet disgust at the same time. I hope you have been able to get some counseling and help. To answer your question “Does the sadness get lighter?”, yes in time. My ex was arrested 6 years ago, and we have been divorced 4 years — I hung in there for awhile in hopes that he would change (I wanted to save him). Looking back I wish I would have left sooner because it took a huge emotional toll staying. Today, there may be moments of grief that come up (mainly because I wish things had turned out differently in this stage of life), but those moments are now fleeting. Much love to you in your journey of healing.

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