Wife Asks for Input Regarding Her Husband Who Paddles Her

Wife Spanking, Christian Domestic Discipline, Domestic Violence


***

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Colossians 3:19

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:28

***

 

My heart grieves when I think about how people arrive at my blog. I am able to see the search terms that people use. There are primarily two topics that continually bring people to the blog from search engines: posts related to wives of pedophiles and posts related to “Christian Domestic Discipline, also known as wife-spanking, but more appropriately identified as domestic violence.

Jennifer, a new reader, left a comment on an old article, Christian Domestic Discipline (Wife Spanking): A Personal Story, and a Closer Look at Patterns Connected with this Abusive Practice.  I decided to publish it here so that more people could see it and share their thoughts. I also do this with the hope in mind that others, too, may find this article and benefit from the community here.

Jennifer’s comment asks for our thoughts on her situation.


I grew up in a household with the paddle. At some point in our young marriage I told my husband. Maybe 6 months later, we had a bad few days and he arrived home announcing he had purchased a brand new paddle, and as the head of our home (never in question btw) he would issue discipline when needed. I thought OMG here I go again. Ten years later, not so bad. He has never been abusive and uses it sparingly.

Pros
I don’t often repeat behavioral mistakes.
It’s kept out of sight of guests, but in a place where I see it daily as a reminder “it’s there” (pantry).
It is used sparingly; if he mentions it during a tense time, I’m likely to calm down quicker to avoid its use.
Honestly, I’m scared by it and that fear fuels me to be kept in line.
Our marriage is stronger.

Cons
It’s an unpleasant experience.
A few times I’ve been upset because I felt it was applied to me under unfair circumstances.
I’m 34 and I want to overcome those issues that result in a paddling, but struggle with it. I think this is the most difficult aspect because without my husband’s willingness to use it I question whether or not I could maintain myself and my role in our marriage properly.
Thoughts?


***

Folks, how can we encourage and support Jennifer?

181 comments on “Wife Asks for Input Regarding Her Husband Who Paddles Her

  1. There is a submission to one another but the submission spoken in the following verses 22 to 24 is the submission of a wife to a husband in marriage. We have had this conversation before. In the church we will submit to the one God is using at the time. Even the least can prophesy or bring a word. The submission in marriage is of a different order and is mentioned a number ot times in the NT.

    Like

  2. You don’t know why actually. It’s simply scripture. Once one starts changing scripture to fit in with our world view we are moving away from truth.

    Like

  3. Tony,

    Remember the first commandment:
    “Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.”

    Mutual submission is the only way that we can avoid setting man on Gods throne. Remember what got someone kicked out of Heaven?

    Like

  4. Julie Anne,

    You asked: “I wonder why so many men skip Ephesians 5:21?”

    The one’s ignoring that verse are rebelling against God.

    Like

  5. Tony, “It’s simply scripture.”

    There is both a clarity and a difficulty in understanding scripture. I find that those who say “I’m just following the Bible” seem to be really saying that they get to be judgmental, mean and controlling because somehow they found that in scripture. I think there are monumental areas of blindness that can creep in. For example, the Pharisees felt they were the height of righteousness and they were respected in their culture as such, but Jesus considered them precisely the opposite. It was because they looked to their genetics and their works.

    Interesting how that parallels today. We have racists and misogynists (genetics) and Bible thumpers (works) that have turned the Bible right back on its head like the Pharisees. They say Clinton’s affairs were reason he should not be elected, but we don’t get to judge Trump’s affairs because we shouldn’t be busybodies and what happens between consenting adults is their business. Yet in both cases, Evangelicals still claim that they’re simply following Scripture.

    I think “scripture” is just a red flag that says, “I’m going to be nasty, judgmental and manipulative and when someone calls me out on it, I’ll say, just following the rules.”

    Like

  6. Mark,

    I also think Presidential Affairs are politicalized depending who is President.

    When Clinton was President the liberals were less concerned about bringing Clinton down, than the conservatives were. Now that Trump is President, the liberals on the other hand are way more concerned about bringing Trump being down, than the conservatives are right now.

    Double standard for both sides and lets not pretend it isn’t happening, even among some of us who contribute to this site.

    Kind of put’s Hillary in a sweet spot, as she was eligibly chastising her husband’s non-consensual victims, maybe to keep her own political asperations alive as I don’t see a lot of evidence of love in that relationship either.

    Though some of the liberals in the media in my view are ready to pounce on Clinton, in order to get to Trump. As I’m sure if a Dem was currently in Trump’s shoes, the conservatives would dump on a republican in order to derail a Liberal.

    To those of us who embrace fiscal ideologies, social politics is pretty exhausting as all we want is a healthy “balanced” economy.

    Like

  7. I know that many misinterpret scripture. We can all be guilty of that but there are some passages as plain as plain can be and still some wriggle out of it.
    In the end I can only say let God be judge. We are all accountable to Him in the end.

    Like

  8. Tony,

    All those verses on men submitting are “as plain as plain” too…. Why are you “wriggling” out of obeying God’s command to submit too?

    Here’s another “plain” passage:

    Matt 23:9: Jesus warned women not to allow anyone to parent them. Comp theology disobeys that by turning marriage into a parent/child relationship.

    Matt 5:37: Jesus warned women not to allow anyone to take away their ability to say “yes” and “no” in their own lives. Comp theology runs roughshod over that, because it refuses to allow women to obey this command of Christ.

    What about these two passages is so difficult to understand?

    Like

  9. You are accusing me of things I’m not even into Avid Reader. One cannot fail to notice how many times the scripture says wives submit to your husbands. This is given to wives not husbands so it is up to them to work it out. Have you never read the husband is head of the wife and christ is head of the husband? or “For in this manner in former times the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him Lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror” 1 Pet 3:5/6. Methinks you are the ones wriggling out of scripture.

    Like

  10. I’ll assume that Tony has given all his material possessions away to help the poor, that he follows the rules for keeping slaves, and that he doesn’t wear tweeds. You know, since he adheres to the admonishments set forth in the Bible.
    Something tells me that he’s a raging hypocrite in that regard, though.

    Here’s what many people realize, though, Tony. That most of the Bible is neither horrible nor inspiring, it is simply dull and irrelevant: long genealogies written by men obsessed with racial purity; archaic stories about ancient squabbles over real estate and women; arcane rituals aimed at pleasing a volatile deity; folk medicine practices involving mandrakes and dove’s blood; superstition that equates cleanliness with spiritual purity and misfortune with divine disfavour and outdated insider politics.

    Irrelevant, Tony. Completely irrelevant to modern-day man but especially to women.

    Like

  11. The bible is a wonderful book Carmen. It has to start with Jesus. He is the door and the Way the Truth and the Life. The new is in the old contained the old is by the new explained. The geneologies show me personally how interested God is in mankind.

    Like

  12. I’ll take that as an endorsement of my assumptions — you haven’t given your possessions away, you follow the rules for keeping slaves and you don’t wear tweed. The other two sentences of yours are completely subjective. (one doesn’t make a lick of sense, btw)
    Oh, and I agree with the mother in “The Glass Castle” It should be the Ten Suggestions . 🙂

    Like

  13. Tony,

    Go back to the words of Christ. Did Jesus say any of that? Nope. Now what about Matt 5:37 and Matt 23:9 that you just tossed out the window?

    Are you asking women to disobey the words of Christ? There’s a reason that Jesus warned women not to allow anyone to turn their “yes” into “no” and “no” into “yes.”

    That’s exactly what Comp theology does.

    Now the Bibles tells us to test everything. Take some time to put Comp theology to the test and it totally falls apart.

    For example, Paul writes in 1Cor 11:10 that women should have authority over their own heads. Where does that verse fit into your theology?

    If you really want answers to the other questions, then you’ll have to do some research.

    Like

  14. Have you never read the husband is head of the wife and christ is head of the husband? or “For in this manner in former times the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him Lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror”

    And how does this help Jennifer, whose situation is described in the blog post above? In her own words, being paddled is unpleasant, and there have been times when she has found her husband’s use of it unreasonable. If she’s supposed to be submissive to him, how can she even voice her objections without being punished all over again for “unsubmissiveness”, or whatever her husband makes up?

    Like

  15. Hi Everybody,

    If we are going to isolate scriptures in describing marriage vows, here are verses that make it absolutely clear about mutual submission. I’d like to emphasize that “they are no longer two, but one flesh”
    Also in Ephesians 5, a husband is suppose to love his wife as much as his body, so when a man is abusive or forcing his will on his wife (and her with him) or mutually bickering instead of discovering compromises, I suspect he may have a problem loving himself.

    Matthew 19:4-6
    4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

    1 Corinthians 7:3-6:
    3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.

    Ephesians 5:28-29
    28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—

    Like

  16. One should not be submissive to wrong SKJ. If he asked her to rob a bank of course she shouldn’t do it. I don’t think she has to submit to that as a man should not dominate his wife. That is not what it is about. I agreed with you all on that point if you look back. We have a lady in our housegroup who takes it as meaning adapting to your husband. I don’t argue with her as it is for the wives to work out.

    Like

  17. I agree with your scripture D. Nobody is arguing about that. I know that the wife has power over the husband’s body and vice versa. No problem. We are told not to defraud each other by witholding sex.

    Like

  18. In response to the first of those, it seems to me that punishment or “correction” must overlap significantly into the erotic since it involves such strong erotic elements, even when the DD couple denies it (as CDD couples sometimes do. Exposure, D/s power differential, physical intimacy, and heightened gender differences between two sexual partners… The objective may be (for him) to change her behavior and (for her) to concentrate his focus on her as his major “project”, but the erotic character of the disciplining ritual seems unmistakable. Those who practice it often say it is a more effective way to resolve conflict than the extended periods of cold, stony silence or the bouts of bellowing and screaming that are often the alternative. There is also quite a bit of frustration expressed by wives who don’t know how to get their husbands to throw themselves into playing the spanking game some women are somehow programmed to desire. (The other alternative is two reasonable people talking things through, which may even precede a consensual disciplining arrangement, but somehow that solution is often out of reach when two people trying to share one life are hurt and angry at one another.)

    Responding to Tony's other point, by Paul's institutionalizing patriarchy within both marriage and the church, surely he must have thought he was nipping most marriage conflicts in the bud. Our challenge is to determine whether his approach and his top-down hierarchy is an obsolete artifact from a very different civilization that considered women as subhuman compared to men, whether his epistles contain an unambiguous expression of God's unchanging will. I lean toward the former, because things get too simple for much spiritual growth when the Bible is treated as a universal instruction manual. The more latitude there is for expressing intimacy and allocating power, the more freedom there is for people to struggle to puzzle out God's will here and now, in our own place and time.
    
       In response to another recent comment, I agree emphatically that no statement is valid that purports to apply to all women, or all humans, or all marriages. In the case of relationships in which the power dynamics have been worked out consensually to the complete satisfaction of both partners, or in the case of women who truly desire from their partners what many others regard as abuse, the numbers could be quite small (less than a third??? "Sweet dreams are made of these..."). The numbers could be small because craving to be submissive is unnatural, or because any violation of equal power in an intimate relationship seems abusive and maybe is sometimes, or because there's a fear of being disgraced by those forbidden submissive desires. (Funny how Anastasia has no such fears....) 
    

    It does seem that there is a shift happening (shift happens), in which sexual variation that was once regarded as deviance is becoming more generally acceptable, including more frank and open D/s practices. My main point is that the tolerance of diversity is tested when the majority greatly outnumbers those whose appearances, behaviors, and desires are regarded as deviations from the norm. Here I especially have in mind Jennifer and her husband.

    (Please note: I stumbled onto Jennifer’s testimony and the responses she inspired without knowing much about this forum. I imagined I could share some thoughts that might be helpful to that conversation. If the Spiritual Soundingboard is intended as a forum for women to counsel each other and is not enhanced by such “mansplaining” from males, somebody please say so, to help me stop being a burr under the saddle. Or sand in the swimsuit.)

    Like

  19. Tony, “We are told not to defraud each other by witholding sex.”

    That sounds a lot like Bill Gothard. Gothard LOVES the word “defraud”, and if you’re a Gothard follower, you’re not going to find a lot of support here, especially for his authoritarian and hierarchical views.

    Theophilus, I think KAK’s comments are pretty clear and good. If DD is “consensual” meaning that both parties are turned on by it and want it to be a part of their sex life, then I think it can be okay, but if you read Jennifer’s account, she told her husband that she was paddled by her father, and all the sudden, WITHOUT HER CONSENT, her husband buys a paddle and starts hitting her with it. She doesn’t fight it because she considers her husband to be her authority, but she says that it brings her fear. The fear is my primary issue. If there is fear in her relationship then it’s abusive.

    That’s why I’m concerned about what you write because you seem to be justifying physical abuse by claiming that somehow women are wired to find that sort of physical abuse erotic whether they consent to the abuse or not. I think that is a very destructive approach to the issue.

    Like

  20. Carmen I haven’t given all my possessions away and don’t wear tweed and have no slaves. What you are saying is I don’t keep the OT law. I do give but not everything as I need a certain amount. With regard to tweed you are referring to a mixture of linen and wool which the Jews not us were not allowed to wear. This is prophetic (the Jews are a prophetic people). I believe it shows that God doesn’t like a mixture of our own works (wool producing sweat). Nothing we can do will save us only faith in Jesus and His atoning blood. We will have works coming out of the faith we have but we are not justified by works before God.
    With regard to slaves if you kidnapped anybody to make them a slave you were subject to the death penalty in the bible. Some sold themselves because of debt but even so you were only allowed to treat them as a servant not a slave and they had to be fully released in the year of jubilee with the wherewhithal to support themselves. If you bought a Hebrew servant he was only allowed to serve you six years but on the 7th year he shall go free.

    Like

  21. Those who practice it often say it is a more effective way to resolve conflict than the extended periods of cold, stony silence or the bouts of bellowing and screaming that are often the alternative.

    This is just not an answer to that. This is substituting physical violence for silence and screaming on the part of the husband, if he is the one who is angry. And it’s simply removing the wife’s voice entirely. This doesn’t fix anything interpersonal, it just ensures that the wife has no control or input and the husband has all. Adding physical violence on top of it is disgusting to me.

    Like

  22. “Adding physical violence on top of it is disgusting to me.”
    What’s disgusting to me is the men who have commented on this blog who seem to be legitimizing physical violence; indeed advocating for it as far as women are concerned. I asked, further up the thread, if whacks upside the head, pinches to the fleshy bits of the arm, or kicks in the shins would get the same reaction. It sailed over the patriarch’s heads.

    Absolutely disgusting comments from those asshats. You bastards should be ashamed of yourselves. Lest you think my comment is in any way unacceptable, I suggest you re-read your own comments. You might not use profanity, but your suggestions are every bit as profane – and completely unacceptable on a forum where women come to seek compassionate advice. Get ye gone.

    Like

  23. indeed advocating for it as far as women are concerned.

    Indeed. ‘How will we solve disputes between two people if one cannot beat the other? It’s a mystery’

    To call it biblical on top of that is blasphemous.

    Like

  24. If the Spiritual Soundingboard is intended as a forum for women to counsel each other and is not enhanced by such “mansplaining” from males, somebody please say so…

    Theophilus, this forum is for sufferers and survivors of all kinds of abuse, especially spiritual abuse. It exists primarily so that they may tell their stories, and find compassion and advice.

    And mansplaining is never acceptable. It’s condescending and arrogant. I say this a a man, myself.

    Also, I agree with Carmen: Your posts (and Tony’s) don’t contain any profanity, but your approval of the physical “discipline” of wives by husbands is simply obscene. Such is my opinion.

    Like

  25. That most of the Bible is neither horrible nor inspiring, it is simply dull and irrelevant

    Sidenote on this Carmen: There are parts of the bible that I find absolutely beautiful poetry, life lessons ala poor Richards almanac, and fascinating, rich stories. I used to sit and read Samuel and Kings for fun. Some of it is not fun to read, lists of laws and genealogies, although they are sort of interesting in context, but much of it stands up on its own to me. Regardless of religion, the stories are certainly not all dull. JMHO.

    Like

Thanks for participating in the SSB community. Please be sure to leave a name/pseudonym (not "Anonymous"). Thx :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s