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Yesterday morning I tweeted about the following story and I’ve had a number of readers send it to me as well. It’s a story of amazing courage and also sadness. Imagine escaping the only life you have ever known – and this means leaving not only your church, but your family, not just part of your family, but your extended family, to start a new life on your own with new freedom and experiences.
I have a few stories to share, beginning with the story of Libby Phelp Alvarez, former member of Westboro Baptist. I’m sure you are familiar with Libby’s grandfather, the pastor of Westboro, Fred Phelps, who instructs church members to carry signs saying, “I hate fags,” pickets the funerals of fallen military service members, etc. Check out the web address of his “church” website: http://www.godhatesfags.com/ That pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?
Please watch this video. Notice the patterns of spiritual abuse: the elitism, allegiance to the pastor, the drive toward pure doctrine, the control the family exerts over members, including hairstyles, ear-piercing, etc. (I’ve been trying to embed the video, if you don’t see the video, click on the link.)
TODAY: She left the Westboro Baptist Church
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I was struck at the transparency of Libby in her interview – how she teared up when she said she still loved her family. What amazing love she exhibited despite the way she was treated. She will have a long road ahead of her, but look at her face – it has “freedom” written all over it.
Here’s part of an article on Libby’s story:
Former Westboro Baptist Church member speaks out: ‘I was brainwashed’
Four years ago, Libby Phelps Alvarez ran away from a church known for picketing the funerals of dead soldiers. She told the ‘Today’ show that the Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church often prayed for people to die.
Westboro’s Twitter feed has been clear about how the family feels about their estranged daughter.
“The eye that mocketh father & despiseth to obey mother, ravens of the valley shall pick out, the young eagles shall eat,” the church tweeted.
Now, Alvarez lives about 30 miles away from her former church. She says that ties to her family have been broken.
“My aunt emailed me and said that nobody wants to talk to me anymore,” Alvarez said on “Today.”
In response to Alvarez’s interview with the “Today” show, the church tweeted , “#ThankGod 4 the testimony: WBC teach our children Bible. Former Westboro Baptist member: We prayed for people to die.”
Four of Phelps’ thirteen children have already distanced themselves from Westboro. Alvarez hopes that her story will inspire other members of her family to leave.
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In a related story, another Phelps family member, Megan Phelps-Roper, released a statement yesterday. She, along with her younger sister, Grace have also left the cult group. I’ve only included portions of articles. I encourage you to read them in their entirety.
Although some of us were not part of a group that was this extreme, the patterns of control and manipulation are the same. I sometimes wonder about those of us who were not in an “extreme” group if it makes it more challenging for us because we fight the internal mental battle of “it really wasn’t that bad.” I don’t know that we do any favors by comparison. The reality is when we have been in a position where someone we trusted uses his power over us in destructive ways, it can cause problems. Here is Megan and Grace’s story:
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Head Full of Doubt / Road Full of Promise
We know that we dearly love our family. They now consider us betrayers, and we are cut off from their lives, but we know they are well-intentioned. We will never not love them.
We know that we can’t undo our whole lives. We can’t even say we’d want to if we could; we are who we are because of all the experiences that brought us to this point. What we can do is try to find a better way to live from here on. That’s our focus.
Up until now, our names have been synonymous with “God Hates Fags.” Any twelve-year-old with a cell phone could find out what we did. We hope Ms. Kyle was right about the other part, too, though – that everything sticks – and that the changes we make in our lives will speak for themselves.
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Reporter Jeff Chu also wrote a great article which follows:
Damsel, Arise: A Westboro Scion Leaves Her Church
I first met Megan in the summer of 2011, when I went to Topeka to spend a few days with the Westboro folks for my book project. During that visit, we talked about faith, we talked about church, we talked about marriage (and Megan’s feeling that, given the prospects, it would require no small amount of divine intervention in her case), and we talked about Harry Potter (for the record, she’s a fan). She seemed so sure in her beliefs, that I could not have imagined that some fifteen months later, we’d be having a conversation in which she tearfully told me that she was no longer with her family or with the church.
Mostly, the tears have subsided—“in public, anyway,” she says one afternoon, as we sit in a Tribeca café. “I still cry a lot.” Forget what you know of the church. Just imagine what it is like to walk away from everything you have ever known. Consider how traumatic it would be to know that your family is never supposed to speak to you again. Think of how hard it would be to have a fortress of faith built around you, and to have to dismantle it yourself, brick by brick, examining each one and deciding whether there’s something worth keeping or whether it’s not as solid as you thought it was.
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My heart goes out to these young ladies. I hope they are surrounded by the love of Christ which offers love and grace. That seems to be pretty lacking in these types of abusive groups.
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Spiritual Sounding Board 
I have been so excited/saddened reading about these girls. I am excited that they are finally getting a chance to find themselves and to really break free from the abuse and brainwashing that goes on in those types of cultures, but saddened because I know what it’s like to be in that confusing position when all of your faith and everything you’ve ever believed or been told is stripped away. I certainly do hope as well that they are able to surround themselves with people who will listen and care for them!
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Westboro Baptist. God-Hates-Fags Phelps. Probably THE most extreme and visible of spiritually-abusive churches with Cult of Personality founding pastors this side of Jonestown.
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Caleigh – I hear you – on both sides of the emotions. They have never known what a healthy church/family is. It’s so sad. I’m thrilled that those family members who have left can reconnect and rehash. That part is so important and will help them to move on.
HUG – You’re right it is probably the most visible because they are in the public eye. I guess we may never know if it is the most extreme, though. I’ve read some pretty horrific stories where there is so much control over dress/food/relationships, etc. Crazy stuff out there!
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I find it interesting Julie Anne that all this stuff is coming out. Recently I have been hearing about all the suits going on in the Scientology Church and how ex-members have been speaking out and winning cases. I have to wonder ( I just dont wonder, I definitely think so) that God is exposing and flushing these men out into the open. We see it in religion and politics today- we see where there is no difference between both parties of government because both want control (except for a few strong men and women willing to stand). We see that these guys in the religious and government are getting caught out in the open, for their deeds of darkness are being shown in the light. This is the right time to “carpe diem” and go to work, for we know the truth and the truth sets one free. Good going for these women to expose and I pray for them!
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Julie Anne, When I first read about this I assumed it was some way out there cult with no connection to anyone I know. Then I started hearing disturbing echoes of your own experiences. That got my attention.
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Craig – I think once you understand the patterns, you start seeing them everywhere in high-control or abusive churches. I lost track of how many comments I read of people noting the similarities – same control, same shunning, same extra-biblical rules, dress codes, etc.
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I wonder if we shouldn’t open our homes as emergency refuges for these women. Sounds frighteningly bold but I get the feeling some women are so crippled by their lifelong experiences to the extent that they are unable to support themselves at first.
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No doubt, opinemine, especially considering in their cult, they were isolated. That isolated is a control tactic to keep you from venturing out.
I think part of the reason I stayed sane was that I DID go knitting with my friends from my former church (even though I know my pastor was not pleased). That was huge. I’ve spoken at length with a couple of friends from that group – – – how they helped “save” me without even realizing it.
I don’t imagine these young ladies even had an opportunity like that – to get out from among the group and socialize with safe people. They always had to be accounted for. But also think of being shell-shocked on the first day of freedom starting with: sleeping in. Were they allowed to sleep in before? Every little thing is going to be a struggle inside as they question: is it okay to sleep in? I can choose what I want to wear? I don’t have to tell someone when I want to go out?
I’m so glad other family members have gone before them so hopefully they will come along side and offer support. It really might be helpful for them to live in a loving grace-filled home, though. They will have a lot emotional work ahead of them.
Oh, another thing – because they are so publicly visible, that could be beneficial – especially when they read supportive comments. When my story went viral, the support was mostly in my favor and it was so validating to me.
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A good book to read on this subject of cults is Cults in our Midst by Margaret Thaler Singer. It is a very easy read and quite informative.
Julie Anne, your pastor was not please with you knitting with other people? Wow….that clearly is an example of Milieu control.
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trust4himonly: He did not tell me personally, but I could sense it. That sense was confirmed when my friend, the staff person who was fired, mentioned it. No, he did not like it. The people I was knitting with went to my former church. I imagine the thoughts in his mind were: if she’s meeting with friends from her former church, what are they talking about? what are they telling her? what is she telling them? And probably most of the concern would be if he or his church were part of the discussion.
Pastors who must be in control are paranoid about their reputation (how many pastors do you know search their name on the internet?) and must control all talk. So yea, me and my yarn and my knitting needles and ladies = big threat to insecure control-freak pastor.
I learned a lot from that knitting group. I should post about that mental/spiritual tug-of-war and my amazing friends who put up with me and extended grace even though our family left their church after many years. They showed me unconditional love and some of them were the same friends who showed up at the courthouse during the hearings.
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Recently I have been hearing about all the suits going on in the Scientology Church and how ex-members have been speaking out and winning cases.
Now that’s saying something when you consider Scientology has an official policy to destroy all Suppressive enemies including ex-member traitors (the “Fair Game Law”), has engaged in bringing false charges in criminal court against its enemies real and imagined (“Operation Freakout”), and even rumors of an official assassination protocol (“Directive R2-45 LRH”).
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HUG – I’ve heard the same thing. I had a couple posts comparing Scientology to my former church. I had a couple people e-mail me, concerned about me because of what you shared. I decided that my kids need their mom more than I need to deal with that mess. I eventually removed the posts. Weak, maybe so.
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Here is a Washington Post article from Yesterday:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/under-god/post/granddaughters-of-westboro-baptist-church-founder-quit-church-apologize-for-hurt/2013/02/07/c467679a-7163-11e2-a050-b83a7b35c4b5_blog.html
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Julie Anne I understand what you are talking about sensing. I sensed (and knew) my family was being ostracized (not talked to, no inviting, ignoring us) in the church- the leaders did not like to talk to us. I always wondered what it was, then I remembered that I talked a lot about the Holy Spirit being active in our lives and we are to rely on the Holy Spirit. They did not quite like the fact that we were independent and relied solely on the HS not the church. It was a lonely time in this church, yet I did love the people there. Many are wonderful believers.
Yeh Hug- there is a wonderful lady by the you tube name Torymagoo44. She is so brave and is on the forefront of going after Scientology. Yes, they implement aggressive forms of going after their “suppressors”, such as, kidnapping, keeping people against their will, even killing. This “religion” needs to be dealt with just as much as these others need to be.
One, with ALL cults – they aim to destroy any contacts with family or other healthy relationships. If one reads stories about the Communist Party in China, this is one of their first tactics is to destroy family. Once you get the person separated it is easier to intimidate and manipulate.
One thing I love about your blog Julie Anne is that you are focusing on spiritual abuse as a whole. We need to start realize that all these groups have the same characteristics. Just read Robert Liftons 8 themes: Milieu control, loading the language, demand for purity, confession, mystical manipulation, doctrine over person, sacred science, and dispensing of existence. Once you got the tools to understand that these cults run under these same themes, you will have the upper hand. You have got the truth.
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Ed, thanks for sharing the article: Phelps-Roper has not publicly announced what she plans to do next, besides saying she’d like to help people. That has charmed many of her critics, who called her “brave” and “wonderful” in Twitter messages responding to her statement. One man, an LGBT activist who previously sparred with Phelps-Roper on Twitter, said “I’d love to open up a dialogue w/u … U have our support in this tough time!”
That’s great! I hope they do help others. It will help them in their healing process. You better believe telling my story here has been therapeutic for me. I don’t know how y’all put up with my ranting 🙂
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trust4himonly: Well, you see, if you are trusting in the Holy Spirit, your allegiance is divided. No wonder they felt threatened. Shame on you for using your own head and allowing God to speak to you through His Holy Spirit. That’s the issue with spiritual abusers: they want to BE your Holy Spirit. And they will have to answer for that!
Lifton is good and heady and I need to read it his works about 1,000 more times 🙂 I’m still ranting about Swanson in my head. His ridiculous assertion about dead fetuses embedded in wombs has gotten me riled up and that rile isn’t going anywhere productive, so I need to do another post so I don’t take it out on the cat. I’m so mad that he uses his position like this. I want to show how those who follow him and his ilk are part of a malignant system.
PS I have a very sweet cat and I’ve never taken anything out on her. That’s just me venting.
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@Julie Anne, The more you rant, and the more you vent, the more you heal, so that you can help others heal. You go girl! Oh, by the way, cats have 9 lives, lol.
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