Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

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Letter from the wife of a pedophile explaining why she stayed and how she finally got out. Encouragement for other wives of child molesters.

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Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

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Some of you may have read the following comment from last night, but it just will not leave my mind.  A courageous woman, Anon 3,  who was married to a pedophile reached out to address the wives of pedophiles involved in the Sovereign Grace Ministries lawsuit.  Her words were beautiful and gave hope.  In a later comment, she said that this was the very first time she had disclosed it publicly and felt that maybe God was prompting her to do so.   I, too, feel compelled to make Anon 3’s comment into a post in order to reach a wider audience via internet searches and so it will not be merely buried in the comments area.


To those who have stopped by via an internet search on this topic, welcome.  You may be in a very difficult place.  No one knows the path each individual takes.  Some agonize for months and even years on whether to stay or whether to go.  On this blog, we talk a lot about spiritual abuse, but haven’t delved into the topic of what it is like to be married to a pedophile.  I happen to know a wife who is married to a pedophile and has remained married to him.  Although she would say things are fine, when I look at their marriage, I do not see that.  I see pain and emotional distance.  There is no intimacy, but two people living two separate lives.  She never got the courage to leave and it has taken its toll on the entire family, including extended family.  But she believes that she has made the right decision.

No one can make that decision for anyone else.  It comes with a cost.  That might be why Anon 3’s comment struck me profoundly.  This brave woman chose a difficult path of leaving the familiar behind and venturing out on her own with her children.  Her words speak for themselves.  If you are the wife of a pedophile, know that as I type these words, my prayers are with you  – – that you will be able to make the best decision for you and your family and that you will also continue to surround yourself with safe and loving support from friends/family who care.  You should not have to be alone in this process whether you decide to stay or leave.  ~Julie Anne

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A Letter from the Wife of a Child Molester

I actually do feel compassion for the perpetrator’s families. And I have a message for the wives:

I want you to know how sorry I am about your situation – both for you and your children.

You are not the only Christian woman who married a pedophile. I did too. I left him more than a decade ago because I knew that someday I would end up on headline news, just as you have. I am so sorry for the embarrassment and humiliation you’ve suffered.

Each of us makes our own decision. I stayed a long time with my husband too. I’m probably about your age. I hoped that my love would fill that empty place in his heart. It didn’t. I had fasted and prayed during my entire marriage. We tried years of counseling and even an in-patient treatment center. My husband got a masters in marriage and family therapy from a Christian university. It didn’t help.

One day, I found out about a new incident, and I realized I had to get out for the sake of my children and everyone around us.

I felt the Lord saying, “You are like a bird in a cage. But see? I have opened the door. You may fly out or stay in. But that door won’t open again.”

I flew out. And I am so happy I did. I asked my husband to leave – exhibiting a strength and toughness I never knew I had. I got him out of my home, out of my church, out of my neighborhood, and out of my town. I did not hate him; but I knew he was a walking disaster area.

Yes, the first couple of years were hard financially, but God was faithful. My children suffered at first, but they have turned out as lovely whole people. They are winners in every sense: personally, academically, and spiritually. They don’t have the level of damage in their lives that their father does. They love him but see his limits. I told them the truth when they turned 21. (They hadn’t been victims themselves and hadn’t known.)

I want to give you hope that if you want to fly out the open door, that life is wonderful out here. Yes, you will hurt a lot for a year, maybe two. But the joy of living without the burden of a pedophile in your life is incredible.

• I thought God could never use me again. But he has.
• I thought I would never be in ministry again. But I am — even more than before.
• I thought people at church would condemn me. But they didn’t. They surrounded me with love.
• I thought I would never be financially solid again. But I am. In fact I have 10 times the assets I did when I was married, and my retirement is nearly fully funded.
• I thought I was disqualified for God’s best. But I know now I am a daughter of the Lord, and am blessed.
• I thought my children would be damaged and hopelessly dysfunctional. They aren’t. They tell me that they feel the same as everyone else. In fact, they look at their friends’ mothers and see a lot more dysfunction there.
• I thought I would never have any honor. I’ve been put on many corporate and non-profit boards and served in far more leadership positions in church than I did when I was married.
• My children are proud of me for what I did.

I hope this has given you hope.

Whatever you decide, the choice is truly yours. I am thrilled I was set free. My life is incredibly happy. There are much worse things in this world than divorce.

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Update 7/27/13:  Even though this blog post is not current, the comments are being followed by others whose lives have been affected by pedophilia.  Feel free to reach out in the comment section (using a pseudonym is perfectly fine).  I keep all e-mail addresses strictly confidential.  

If you are struggling with the fact that your spouse/family member or close acquaintance is a pedophile and need help, please let me know.  I will try to find help/resources for you.  I have been in touch with others  behind the scenes gathering resources on this subject.  

You must know that you are not alone.  There are many wives/families who have walked your journey and would love to reach out to you.  ~Julie Anne

201 comments on “Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

  1. “By staying you are merely providing a dangerous man with cover and aid. You are betraying your own daughter, yourself, your neighbors, your family, etc.”

    Exactly that. Leave.

    Some aspects of leaving won’t be easy of course. Your financial position may be worse. You’ll also have to move homes. You’ll lose some friends (mutual friends that knew him before you, will side with him and not believe you). Depending on your specific life situation there may be even more difficulties.

    But none of that matters, because your FIRST responsibility is to do everything in your power to prevent him from ever molesting a child again. You’re an adult, you come second.


  2. I found out 3 months ago 3 days before our anniversary my 16yr old and my husband 45 had sex 3 times, found out how promiscuous my daughter was and she was involved with a 19 yr who was ” directing” my daughter to do sexual thing such as tempt my husband.please do not judge me as I am not finished with this story. My husband was sick and wrong in every way to do this. He’s the adult and should not have given in to this temptation. My daughter admitted to me that she “asked” him to. I struggled with my gut feelings over all this for weeks because my husband was a good husband however he struggled with sex addiction that’s apparently was a lot worse than I ever fathomed.. he hit his rock bottom. Even after the statements were taken and he made his confession he still couldn’t tell me to my face that he did it. Also my daughter admitted to me that this 19 yr old boy was her “master” and did what he said. He asked her if she would do certain things and she did.I found out she sent him explicit pics of her self and I read twisted FB IMs between them. I contacted the military as he is stationed over seas. And he is being investigated. My daughter is in therapy now for this part. My husband is sitting in jail out of town because he decided to get on a plane to go see family before he turned himself in.. but the indictment was passed Down a month early and I told him he can’t leave but he lied to me and left so I turned him. Have struggled and struggled over this. I loved him so much. He was a better dad to my kids than their own who disappeared almost 2 yrs ago. My daughter is my first mission and getting her help before she’s released into this uncertain world is something I have to do. I feel like I’m being judged because I still love him and Satan had a hold of him bad. This tragedy brought me back to God and he said he gave his life to Jesus. Only God knows if he truly did. He has thrown away everything God put before him because he couldn’t control his desires. I even found out he was sexting a co-worker and sent explicit pics of himself to her. He just won’t confess to any other infidelity.He doesn’t know I found out about the cheating. I haven’t spoken to him but one time since he’s been sitting in another state waiting to be extradited. My mother thinks I should be over this by now. She thinks it’s a betrayal to my daughter. It’s hard to get past when almost everyday I find out something new about his secrets of something she did. I hear comments all the time about how if this happened to them they would go insane, they just aren’t here with me when I’m alone.. I cry, I yell, I feel hopeless, I feel on the edge, anxiety, I feel like a emotional roller coaster.(what good would shutting down do my girls) however I do isolate myself when I’m not shuttling them around. It takes time to heal. I’ve told people not to rush me. I thank God for my church family. They support my family but they also pray for him. When He comes back to the county jail they are planning on visiting him through the outreach program they have for prisoners. I forgave him and my daughter for what happened with them. But now New info.. I’m trying. I can’t move forward without forgiving. As for financially I’m ok without him.paycheck to paycheck but I make my bills. I spend more time with my girls without him.. one thing a sex addict does is always want to be clingy because they are afraid he will be cheated on so he tried to monopolize all my time. So that’s a positive that’s come out of this..spending more time with my girls..and I feel released because I’m not worried who just texted him or was he really working late. I do pray he will have a testimony to share one day with other addicts and offenders.


  3. I just found this page and it’s the first time I have ever come across anything like this where I understand and I think someone may understand my story. I’ve been looking for a place like this for a while I think. My husband and I met in 2008, it wasn’t even 3 months into our relationship that I caught him sending photos through texts to another woman. We have been together since 2008 and married in 2011. Through out our entire relationship every 3-6 months I would find something new. Texts, photos, emails, computer messages, websites….the story was always the same, he was sorry and he would never do it again and he begged and cried and threaten suicide if I left. So I never left. In May of 2013 my brother in law got married and his wife had a 14 year old daughter. My husband and this daughter became close. I was not comfortable with the relationship and voiced that many time and was told “she’s like my little sister” or by her mom “she thinks of him like a brother since her own brother is in prison”. In December 2013 my uneasy feelings about that relationship where validated when it came out that my husband (who was a truck driver) had taken this girl on the road with him at least 3 times for 2-3 days at a time. That means sleeping in the cab of the truck together. The girl says they had sex. My husband said they didn’t. I have seen facebook messages between the two of them saying they loved each other, my husband calling me names and telling her how much he hated me, telling her that when she was 18 they would be together. My husband to this day says there was no sex. He says to this day he has never had sex with anyone while we have been married. I don’t believe and I feel guilty for that. July 2014 my husband was picked by US Marshalls for the charge of taking a minor across state lines with sexual intent. Even though he said he didn’t have sex with her he plead guilty. He entered a federal prison in May 2015 and will be there until January 2024. I am still married to him. I was going to be the wife that stayed. The one that relied on God to get us through and save our marriage. Until the last 2 months. I’m miserable. I am removed enough from the situation to see things I didn’t see before. I am a christian woman and I am struggling with wanting to divorce my husband. God never wants divorce. My husband became a christian in January 2014. He says he has changed. He says he is a different person. I would like to believe him but 7 years of lies doesn’t leave much room for any trust at all. He says that I have to just trust God and we will make it through this and have a great marriage when he gets out. We never had a great marriage before, so I am having a hard time thinking it will be great after we spend 8 years apart. I feel like if I leave this marriage, I am basically saying I don’t trust that God can reconcile this marriage. I feel like I am in a battle of what I want and what the bible says. I don’t know what to do from here. I know that I want to divorce and try to find some healing and some happiness, but I don’t want to disobey God by leaving and not trusting him to fix it. I am miserable every day. I cry all the time. It seems like it would be better to not live at all than to live like this.


  4. @Looking For Hope,

    I am sorry to hear about this heartbreaking betrayal in your marriage and family.
    Here are some steps that I recommend that you take:

    *Please see your doctor about your crying all of the time and the trauma you have experienced. You should have a check-up and a referral to a professional therapist to help you. If you can’t afford one, please contact your county mental health agency and ask for help.

    *The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day/7 days a week.
    You said that it would seem it would be better not to live at all than to live like this.
    They are very nice people and I would encourage you to call them for help and guidance in your situation.

    *Here are two very good blogs of wives who found themselves betrayed like you have been:

    Clara Hinton’s blog called Finding a Healing Place

    Please also check out the Resources tab. There is a very good video taught by her son Jimmy Hinton.

    Brenda Elysium’s blog called A Solitary Journey:

    *About bad marriages

    A Cry For Justice

    This is run by a pastor Jeff in Oregon and Barbara, an expert about bad marriages, who lives in Australia. They also have good books and resources.

    While this website is a wonderful source of help, you need additional support at this time and I would encourage you to seek it and take care of yourself.


  5. Dear Looking For Hope,

    You mentioned this:

    I feel like if I leave this marriage, I am basically saying I don’t trust that God can reconcile this marriage. I feel like I am in a battle of what I want and what the bible says.

    I understand your comment. There are pastors who teach this, but the truth is that IS NOT IN THE BIBLE.

    Jesus exerted 100% control over nature, but never controlled the hearts of people he met. Look at the Gospels. Jesus never did the Jedi mind-trick and made sinful people repent and be good. He accepted people’s own decisions. If they didn’t want to follow him, so be it.

    The fact that they were too proud, or too greedy, or too selfish to follow him didn’t seem to alarm Jesus. Jesus was sad when they walked away, but HE LET THEM GO.

    You need to do what Jesus did. Accept the truth about your husband, and let him fade away.



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