Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

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Letter from the wife of a pedophile explaining why she stayed and how she finally got out. Encouragement for other wives of child molesters.

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Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

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Some of you may have read the following comment from last night, but it just will not leave my mind.  A courageous woman, Anon 3,  who was married to a pedophile reached out to address the wives of pedophiles involved in the Sovereign Grace Ministries lawsuit.  Her words were beautiful and gave hope.  In a later comment, she said that this was the very first time she had disclosed it publicly and felt that maybe God was prompting her to do so.   I, too, feel compelled to make Anon 3’s comment into a post in order to reach a wider audience via internet searches and so it will not be merely buried in the comments area.

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To those who have stopped by via an internet search on this topic, welcome.  You may be in a very difficult place.  No one knows the path each individual takes.  Some agonize for months and even years on whether to stay or whether to go.  On this blog, we talk a lot about spiritual abuse, but haven’t delved into the topic of what it is like to be married to a pedophile.  I happen to know a wife who is married to a pedophile and has remained married to him.  Although she would say things are fine, when I look at their marriage, I do not see that.  I see pain and emotional distance.  There is no intimacy, but two people living two separate lives.  She never got the courage to leave and it has taken its toll on the entire family, including extended family.  But she believes that she has made the right decision.

No one can make that decision for anyone else.  It comes with a cost.  That might be why Anon 3’s comment struck me profoundly.  This brave woman chose a difficult path of leaving the familiar behind and venturing out on her own with her children.  Her words speak for themselves.  If you are the wife of a pedophile, know that as I type these words, my prayers are with you  – – that you will be able to make the best decision for you and your family and that you will also continue to surround yourself with safe and loving support from friends/family who care.  You should not have to be alone in this process whether you decide to stay or leave.  ~Julie Anne

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A Letter from the Wife of a Child Molester

I actually do feel compassion for the perpetrator’s families. And I have a message for the wives:

I want you to know how sorry I am about your situation – both for you and your children.

You are not the only Christian woman who married a pedophile. I did too. I left him more than a decade ago because I knew that someday I would end up on headline news, just as you have. I am so sorry for the embarrassment and humiliation you’ve suffered.

Each of us makes our own decision. I stayed a long time with my husband too. I’m probably about your age. I hoped that my love would fill that empty place in his heart. It didn’t. I had fasted and prayed during my entire marriage. We tried years of counseling and even an in-patient treatment center. My husband got a masters in marriage and family therapy from a Christian university. It didn’t help.

One day, I found out about a new incident, and I realized I had to get out for the sake of my children and everyone around us.

I felt the Lord saying, “You are like a bird in a cage. But see? I have opened the door. You may fly out or stay in. But that door won’t open again.”

I flew out. And I am so happy I did. I asked my husband to leave – exhibiting a strength and toughness I never knew I had. I got him out of my home, out of my church, out of my neighborhood, and out of my town. I did not hate him; but I knew he was a walking disaster area.

Yes, the first couple of years were hard financially, but God was faithful. My children suffered at first, but they have turned out as lovely whole people. They are winners in every sense: personally, academically, and spiritually. They don’t have the level of damage in their lives that their father does. They love him but see his limits. I told them the truth when they turned 21. (They hadn’t been victims themselves and hadn’t known.)

I want to give you hope that if you want to fly out the open door, that life is wonderful out here. Yes, you will hurt a lot for a year, maybe two. But the joy of living without the burden of a pedophile in your life is incredible.

• I thought God could never use me again. But he has.
• I thought I would never be in ministry again. But I am — even more than before.
• I thought people at church would condemn me. But they didn’t. They surrounded me with love.
• I thought I would never be financially solid again. But I am. In fact I have 10 times the assets I did when I was married, and my retirement is nearly fully funded.
• I thought I was disqualified for God’s best. But I know now I am a daughter of the Lord, and am blessed.
• I thought my children would be damaged and hopelessly dysfunctional. They aren’t. They tell me that they feel the same as everyone else. In fact, they look at their friends’ mothers and see a lot more dysfunction there.
• I thought I would never have any honor. I’ve been put on many corporate and non-profit boards and served in far more leadership positions in church than I did when I was married.
• My children are proud of me for what I did.

I hope this has given you hope.

Whatever you decide, the choice is truly yours. I am thrilled I was set free. My life is incredibly happy. There are much worse things in this world than divorce.

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Update 7/27/13:  Even though this blog post is not current, the comments are being followed by others whose lives have been affected by pedophilia.  Feel free to reach out in the comment section (using a pseudonym is perfectly fine).  I keep all e-mail addresses strictly confidential.  

If you are struggling with the fact that your spouse/family member or close acquaintance is a pedophile and need help, please let me know.  I will try to find help/resources for you.  I have been in touch with others  behind the scenes gathering resources on this subject.  

You must know that you are not alone.  There are many wives/families who have walked your journey and would love to reach out to you.  ~Julie Anne

219 comments on “Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

  1. feeling so very desperate today. i cant stop the tears. I just want to spend my days in bed. I know no other life than that with my husband. 30 years and not a day lived without him since i was 16. I am so lonely and feel so guilty for not knowing and listening to my gut instinct about what he was doing to our baby girl. he is so good at telling me what i need to hear. I actually miss the stories he told me that always “fixed” everything i was feeling in my gut. it has been 8 months since he left me and I still feel just as sad. my therapist says my healing cant really begin until the trauma ends. the trauma continues as the court dates and trial proceedings progress. the image he portrayed for 30 years is NOT what i am seeing now. it is as if he wants me and the children dead. such hatred. Who is this man I have loved for 30 years? how will I ever be okay?!

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  2. Dear Mary Johnson, You all ready sound like a much better mother then mine. Miss Brenda is right, considering you married him when you were only sixteen makes it much more understandable. Please let your daughter know there are people she does not even know who care very much about her and understand. Much LOVE to you and your family.

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  3. we met at 16, dated 5 years and married at 21. never a day apart until he joined the navy. we had 12 babies together. we lost 3 late into my pregnancies and lost an infant daughter to leukemia. i thought watching my baby girl leave my arms for Jesus would be the worst time in my life but that grief and pain doesnt touch this shock, devastation, pain, loneliness and heart ache. not only have i had to wrestle with the fact that my husband is a child molester and i have also had to realize that he has been sleeping with other women since we were engaged. it is so much to take in at once. my head allowed me to believe he was my knight in shining armor for 30 years. i pretended very well. it is hard to face the truth. i wish you well guest. so very sorry for the abuse.

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  4. i am very worried about the lasting impact on my daughter. may i ask your age now, when the abuse took place and if you are able to have stable relationships now? how are you?

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  5. I am 35. I was not abused by my father, I would assume that makes a huge difference. Before my tenth birthday. I do not trust or respect men, I have never had counseling though. We are all very different, your daughter could have different feelings then me. Knowing people hate sexual abuse always makes me feel better. Try to put good feelings and memories in her life, bring home a fun, happy, peaceful movie, smile at her, hug her, tell her you love her. Maybe surprise her with a bake night, put on some good music. When I hear that someone hates sexual abuse it makes me feel better, I love Julie Anne, Dee, and Deb. They are my heroes.

    The examples you set for your daughter will affect her, be assertive, confident, NOT arrogant, have self respect, read informative info online or/and books. You embodying peace and joy will help. Empower yourself. How you live your live is going to help or hurt your daughter. I love you both and cheering for you;)

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  6. Dear Mary,

    My heart hurts for you and I do understand. Please know that it will get better. It is a healing process so trust that in time you will come to a place of indifference towards your husband. This is relatively recent and there is much going on right now. I do encourage you to find a S-Anon group and begin attending weekly. It was incredibly important to my healing and helped with taking off the rose-colored glasses with which I viewed my 34 year marriage and begin to see my spouse as he truly is rather than how I thought he was. It will get better.

    And your daughter will heal. With counseling and support she will come to see that you did not know what was happening–you are a victim just as she is.

    Brenda

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  7. thank you so much. my counselor does indeed believe i am a victim as well. i dont see myself as such. he never hit me but did threaten to hit me. it is so confusing. i am so grateful i finally found a place that understands my feelings and doesnt think i am crazy. my family is so angry at me for having feelings for my husband and still loving him. they are so frustrated with me and dont know why i dont see the monster they see. what is s-anon? i am so desperate. i will do anything to be the best mom i can be and to find some relief from the pain.

    so grateful i found a place that “gets it”.

    in deep gratitude,
    mary

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  8. S-Anon is a 12-step support group for individuals involved with a sex addict. A pedophile is more than an addict so you qualify for attendance. It is free and it works.

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  9. Dear Mary,

    Thank you for opening your heart on this blog post. Those of us who are former wives of pedophiles know exactly how you feel. Even though our husbands are monsters, for a long time we still felt a lot of love for them, felt dependent on them, attached in some way, not quite able to stand on our own. I think it’s part habit and part our own insecurity in facing the world alone.

    It might help for you to see it as a cycle that goes around and around—
    – anger
    – numbness
    – fear
    – love
    – vengeance
    – betrayal
    – dependence
    – disgust
    Then throw in some loneliness, and it really hurts!

    Please continue sharing your story with safe people. The more you cry and share, the more healing you will find. You will eventually feel indifferent about him. It takes a long time because you have been dependent on him, just as Brenda and I felt dependent on our pedophile husbands. But — do you know what? — we ended up being able to stand on our own two feet. We are free from fear, free from his bad influence, free from having our reputations destroyed by his self-centered behavior. He is no longer our responsibility. He is 100% culpable for his actions. We do not share any of his guilt.

    You’ll have to train your mind to stop thinking about his preferences, his feelings, his opinions. From now on, your own preferences and feelings and opinions are more important. Ask yourself: What do I want? What would make me happy? For years we wrapped ourselves around them. Now it’s time to stop and rediscover ourselves.

    Today, more than 10 years later, I feel a level of affection for my ex-husband that doesn’t make sense to anyone who has never been married to a pedophile. I no longer love him, but I don’t hate him either. He’s a broken man and he is no longer my responsibility. I don’t wish evil on him, but at the same time I don’t want him near me or near any children.

    Eventually your children will get happier and healthier. The healing starts now! Even though the court case is terrible and brutal, at least you are fighting, and that counts for something. A lot of ex-wives just simply give up. Don’t feel guilty. You were specially selected by your husband because he thought he could deceive you forever. He was wrong.

    Continue to ask God for courage. He will give it.

    -Anon3

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  10. I meet my husband five years ago and all I knew was he had been in some trouble for under age pornogrphy. I’m a very trusting person and believe everyone deserve second chances. We have been married two years now and it was a wonderful marriage so I thought. Until I get a disturbing phone call to come to the police department because my husband has been arrested for molesting my 9 year old girl. I can not see her or my 2 year old they will not release any info to me because they say I am a perpetrator. Yes I allowed him in my home but I never in a million years thought he would harm my kids and my daughter’s always seemed to adore him and always wanted him around

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  11. Jennifer, praying for you, and please make sure you contact our hostess–she will get you set up with people who will help. Also, since you’re listed as a perpetrator, you will do well to talk to a lawyer–traditionally, the first consultation is free. He (or she) will guide you into how to find and present the evidence to put the right person in jail. If you’re poor, the police and social services may have lawyers you can work with for free.

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  12. Jennifer, yes, please do contact me and I can get you connected with other wives who have gone through similar circumstances in a private forum. It’s so important to get support and good information, especially from women who understand. My email is spiritualsb@gmail.com

    I’m so sorry you are going through this!

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  13. I am as damaged today as I have not been given any support from family, Church, friends.

    I have moved away to a new state, last year has been hell, as my husband was on trial for the rape of his daughter and my Son.

    He was found guilty and is in Prison as an old man. He will like that, he may die there, but he will have peace in himself. He believes that forgiveness comes by asking Jesus to forgive him. He gets help.

    I get nothing. I feel that people think I should have known.

    Do they really believe that? I would let my Son be raped and do nil?
    If I knew this I would be in Jail.
    To live each day, away from my family is HELL.
    What have I got to live for?
    My Heart is broken.
    My life now is in constant pain.

    WHAT IS LOVE? I thought I was good at sharing love, I now. look back and believe that I didn’t get any LOVE for myself.

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  14. lynn (I removed your last name for privacy),

    I’m very sorry to hear about the pain and trouble you have gone through. I don’t understand family, friends, and church who abandon someone in need or in a crisis. It just doesn’t compute for me. It is wrong and you should not have been treated like this. You have a more clear understanding of love than many in church. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. Would you be interested in connecting with other wives of pedophiles? If so, please let me know and I’ll send you an invite. I think you might find it helpful to have support from women who understand and care.

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  15. Lynn,

    First, let me assure you that you are not at fault for your husband’s behavior. Child molesters are charming, manipulative, and incredibly secretive. They are excellent at deflecting suspicion, blaming others, and laughing at your concerns. They choose wives who are trusting. They excel in minimizing, denying, and explaining away whatever evidence you see. Your husband has been molesting children long before you came into his life. He’s a experience con-artist and fooled many people. It is not your fault. It is his: 100%.

    Help me understand your story. Are you saying your children have been taken away from you as a result of your husband’s sexual abuse, or that you moved away from them?

    I will pray for you tonight, that God will bring you and your children back together, that you will find professional help from someone who is an expert in this area, and that you have the courage to end your marriage so that your husband no longer has the right to step foot in your home again.

    If you look to the Lord, he will help you. He will give you courage to do what’s best for you and your children. He will give you more strength than you EVER thought you would have. He will guide your steps and lead your decisions. He will also give you peace in the storm. Lay your worries, cares, and fears at his feet. He loves you and will be your protector. You did the right thing: The healing starts now.

    “The LORD is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him.” —Nahum 1:7

    “We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” — 2 Cor. 4:8-9

    -Anon3

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  16. I’m exhausted from crying. Husbands been in jail for 10 days for something my older son claims happen 8 years ago. I am so sad and so sick. I cannot bail him out because he can’t be around my kids. He is a great father and my family is ruined from this.

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  17. Dear AC,
    I have been where you are now and I so well remember the pain and anguish you are experiencing. I am so very sorry that you are in the middle of this perfect storm. There is so much that I want to say to you but let me just tell you what I wish I could tell that scared, wounded and broken woman that was me a mere three years ago:

    You will survive this, in fact, you will thrive again. You are far stronger than you ever believed and your kids are more resilient than you can imagine. You will learn things about the man you love in days to come–things that take your breath away and make you want to vomit. You will face ridicule, suspicion and fear will be your constant companion–oh and tears, oceans of tears.

    But this place right here is not the end of your story. This is not your defining moment. This is a moment of brutal truth but in the end it will set you free. You will find freedom you never knew existed. You will laugh again–I know that seems impossible at this moment, but trust me, you will. And you will love again. You will lose a lot in the coming weeks but you will gain so much more.

    You are afraid and anxious right now, and rightly so. But somehow your needs will be provided and God will be with you through every tomorrow, just as He is with you now. You are not alone and your tears count for something, in fact, the God of the Universe is collecting them–they are so very precious to Him. Hang on, the ride will get bumpy but you are being held and in the end, all will be well. It really will be.

    Much love and prayers,
    Brenda

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  18. Dear julie anne,

    I have spent all my morning today looking for forums that will guide me and l discovered yours. i am in desperate need for guidance. Am an african wife and i have been married for about 9 years and we have 4 kids. My domestic help just informed me yesterday that my hubby has been touching her inappropriately for almost 2 years now and she is just 15 years old. i believe her because l had similar issues with previous helps but my hubby denied the accusation. Now what do i do? i love my husband and he takes good care of me and our kids and l really do not want divorce him but l need to do something or how do l put a stop to this disgraceful and shameful act. This is the 3rd help under my care that is experiencing such torture. Please i urgently need your expertise or advice on how best to handle this matter and still have my home in tact. Do i confront him ? The previous cases he had denied. God bless you.

    Angela

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  19. Hi Angela,

    I’m so glad you found the blog. I’m so sorry to hear about this obviously devastating news about your husband.

    I would encourage you to report him to authorities. You do not need to confront him that you are doing so. If you know about criminal activity he has done with minors, it’s imperative that you report it. This could be a very difficult step for you to take, but it is the right one. It also may be important for you in the event that someone else reports him and authorities find out that you knew about his crimes, but did not report. You want to make sure that you take the proper steps to ensure that you retain custody of your children. Yes, it is that serious.

    I am going to send you an invitation to join the private forum where other women who have been in your situation have gathered for support. I think you will get very helpful support and advice there.

    My heart and prayers are with you, Angela!

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  20. Angela,

    If you have not already done so, please, please report your situation to the police. This is not my area of expertise, but as a lawyer I am very concerned that you may be placing yourself at great legal risk if you do not contact law enforcement now.

    You may be afraid that your husband will retaliate if you report him. Even if you are not afraid, I would encourage you to contact your local domestic violence center. Sometimes they are called things like domestic safety resource centers. You could get started by calling the national domestic violence hotline. The number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

    Brenda, who comments above, has been through a situation much like yours. You may wish to take a look at her blog, http://brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com/. You might also want to email her directly at the address she posts on her blog. It is brendafindingelysium@gmail.com. Brenda has professional training and experience, so she is a really good person to contact.

    Finally, I would encourage you to recognize that your children may very well be at risk. Nobody wants to think such things, but with stuff like this it is better to be safe than sorry.

    Like everybody here, I do wish you the best. I wish I could provide comfort without burdening you with advice, but there is just too much risk if you do not take proper steps now. If you take action, I am confident that there will be people to help. It won’t be easy, but it will be much easier than what you will have to deal with later if you do nothing now.

    Be very careful about going to a pastor. They generally mean well, but just aren’t equipped to deal with this sort of situation. They can get so caught up in saving sinners that they forget to care for people like you who are their victims.

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

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  21. Dear Angela,

    A statement in your last paragraph really struck me, “how best to handle this matter and still have my home intact.” I know where you are coming from and understand your desire to protect your children by keeping their family together. I too felt that. But this is not a minor thing that you can control or deal with, in spite of what your husband may be telling you. You didn’t cause it, you cannot control it and you certainly cannot cure it.

    You are married to a sexual predator who is incredibly skilled at manipulation, deception, justification, rationalization, minimization, gaslighting and projection. He is probably a very likable man who has a lot of social capital and the last person anyone would suspect of harming a child. It is horrifying to digest that sentence because this is the man you love and have made vows to. You want to keep your marriage and you want to keep your home together. But–you are married to a serial molester. He is not the man you think him to be. He is not the man he purports to be. He is not a safe man, particularly to children.

    Will it hurt to report him to the authorities and expose him? You bet! But the cost to you and to the innocent children he has yet to harm is too great for you not to do something. Will you be believed? Maybe, maybe not. All you can do is try.

    And this is a safe place to land–the private forum is a safe venue to gain support, encouragement and strength. I know from experience that the road ahead of you is rocky and difficult. But I also know that there is hope, joy, laughter and freedom on the other side of this. It is rare to maintain an intact marriage once the secret crimes are exposed and that is painful. But living in truth an transparency is much better than living within a secret web of deception and criminal behavior. This I know for a fact.

    Contact me either through the email address that Gary W provided or through the private forum. There are a group of us who will walk this with you if you will let us.

    Your sister,
    Brenda

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  22. One little thing here, and first a couple of qualifiers. If the allegations Angela makes are true, her husband deserves to go to jail for it, and Angela has the right to divorce him. Depending on the severity of the offenses–obviously I am not a witness–those who minister to her might come to the conclusion that it would be wrong not to divorce him. In the U.S., this is pretty straightforward.

    That said, I notice one little thing in her note; she is African. Now which nation, or even whether she’s currently in Africa or has emigrated somewhere else, I do not know, but the legal systems and attitudes toward the divorced can be very different there–and regrettably there is also a tradition of using the Interwebs for fraud. Would recommend that those who interact with her make sure they make contact with someone who knows the situations there,or else you may risk hurting her (or you) pretty badly.

    (maybe missionaries would be good contacts?)

    All the best to you who do minister to her, just figured I’d put a little “word to the wise” here. And God bless you too, Angela.

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  23. Dear Julie Anne, Thank you so much for your response, it uplifted my spirit. I also wish to express my gratitude to Bike Bubba and Brenda(who made me laugh for the first time when she mentioned the different skills these sex predators possess.)Now i would like to raise some issues:

    1) Am a housewife with a master’s degree, with no money, no financially stable relative/sibilings, my folks are actually dependent on my hubby for everything. How do i fend for my kids? which court will grant me custody knowing that l can’t provide for them? Am very sure that my folks will advice that l stay and continue to pray because my hubby built a house for them and also sends monthly stipend.

    2) Without any concrete evidence,would the case not turn against me and l lose my kids in the process? Incidentally, l reside in my country, in africa were the judiciary is very corrupt and most of the time the jugdement tends to favour the high and might. Lets face facts, i don’ think i can survive without my kids, they are all l live for.

    3) When a woman divorces her husband in my home town, her inlaws invites everybody(the bigger the crowd the better) in the womans village to witness the return of bride price. This is just to publicly disgrace the woman and her family whether they are guilty or not. To some cheering news, i designed my CV yesterday , and as l write , the job hunt has started, as soon as i get something(anything at all) i will begin the legal process. I can only ask that you continue to pray with me and encourage me to see this process to the very end because immediately l report him to the authorities, i can safely say that he will throw me out of the house. Thank you all very much . Angela

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  24. I really could use some helpful feed back with my situation and how I feel and don’t know what to do? My husband is now on sex offender list and I am struggling even though we aren’t together thanks

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  25. Hi Mary,
    I’m sorry to hear of your struggle. Would you be interested in joining the private forum? There are others there who have walked in your shoes and may be able to offer you some support and suggestions.

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  26. I found this site and have read a few things already. I was with my boyfriend almost 20 years. I found out he was having an affair and left him. A few months later we were talking about getting back together when I got a phone call about how he has done this (and worse). I confronted him and he admitted it like it was nothing. I wanted him in jail where he belonged. He didn’t see anything wrong with what he was doing and I think that is what bothered me the most. I told him he was dead to me. I went through hell. How could I have not seen this? It eats me alive at times.

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  27. I definitely relate to Mary. I also met my husband at 16 and was married for 24 years. This year would have been our 25th anniversary. The Horror and the pain from this has been unbearable for so long that I wasn’t sure that it would ease up. It has gotten some better. I don’t feel comfortable sharing yet all that has transpired, but this is a terribly lonely road. I wish I had a friend to go through this with. I have been to spouses of sex addicts groups for years, but It doesn’t feel they understand the devastation and confusion of living with a groomer. ( I guess that is what he does) I have been so brainwashed, I don’t know what is true…I think… see?? I feel like I am only a former shadow of myself that I only glimpse from time to time. I was so spiritually strong before praying and fasting that things would change. (well I guess they did ) I see that I am learning Gods character more clearly now and sometimes I see that I will eventually see things so much more clearly…He does answer all my questions in His time…. I can sometimes catch a glimpse of a bright future….mostly I don’t see it right now, but I am working hard at recovery.

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  28. Mya, Thank you for sharing your story. I’m really sorry to hear that you, too, have been harmed by being married to a pedophile. I’d love to connect you with others wives if you’d be interested. Please contact me at spiritualsb@gmail.com grace and peace, Julie Anne

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  29. Dear Julie,

    I meet my husband in Highschool. And we married when I was 19.

    About a year ago he told me he found young girls attractive. He assured me he never plans on ever doing anything.
    This year, we got pregnant. (Due: nov 19th)
    It’s a girl.

    I couldn’t help but start thinking about what he told me. And we had been babysitting my niece a lot.
    I broke.
    He openly told me he has fantasized about my niece. (She’s 10)
    He’s told me the youngest he’s found attractive is 8. And he keeps saying he’ll never do anything.

    But I don’t know what to do.
    I do love him, and I want to trust him.
    But, I’m scared…

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  30. Dear AnonMoon,

    I’m so sorry about your situation. This is a real shock for you. You are smart to reach out for help and information. We will pray for you as you walk this path.

    Adults who are attracted to children and fantasize about sex with them are pedophiles. No one really knows how it starts, although the urges start young: grade school and middle school. And the sad fact is there’s nothing in the academic literature that indicates that pedophilia ever goes away. It’s with them all their lives.

    It is very common for husbands to admit their fantasies to their wives during pregnancy. That’s when my husband told me he had a long history of acting out with children. They tell us when we are at our weakest and most needy.

    I’m glad you care about your daughter yet to be born. Living around a pedophile is a nightmare of anxiety for the wife and everyone else who knows. I asked my husband to leave when my children were very young and cooperated with the authorities.

    And I’m so glad I did.

    Your husband’s attraction to children is NOT YOUR FAULT. It existed before you met him, and it will dog him to the grave. I can guarantee that he’s already molested some poor child. He’s telling you a small confession to see how you will react. If you don’t leave him, he’ll feel safe to molest others.

    You cannot stop him; you cannot control him. You cannot possibly be vigilant enough to protect your children, your friends and neighbor children, babysitters, etc. His desire to fondle children trumps every other good and moral urge in his life, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

    My advice? Divorce is far better than living with a pedophile. By getting out when my children were young, I saved them from a lot of trauma. My kids turned out great. They are college educated, emotionally healthy, and love the Lord. But I credit that in part to getting him away from them early. Every day free from him is a day that the healing happens.

    I’m sure he is charming and that you don’t want to divorce. Nearly ALL pedophiles are charming and are big liars. They look for loving, sweet, caring, generous wives who will turn a blind eye to their obsessions, or are too needy to leave.

    I know you may not have the strength to end this now. But please pray for strength. Don’t be one of the women on this comment thread who waits until her children are 20 or 30 or 40 to end the marriage. If you wait, your daughter will blame you for not protecting her and her friends.

    I got out and my life is so much better. It took a few years but I was able to support myself and my children, and we are so happy.

    I don’t hate my ex-husband, but he’s not healthy and he’s not safe.

    Anon3

    Like

  31. Let me add one more thing:

    Pedophiles will be found out. It’s just a matter of time.

    The pedophile and spouse will have their names on the front page of the paper and all over the Internet (forever). It is just a matter of time. The police are good at finding child porn; they monitor people’s internet use for months before kicking down the front door and arresting the pedophile.

    Save yourself the humiliation and get out now. The humiliation and pain of a divorce are nothing compared to be raked over the coals after he’s been arrested.

    If you get out now, your friends will help you.

    But If you wait, your friends will wonder what your husband did to their kids … with your tacit permission. There will be few places to turn. Friends and family will turn against you the longer you wait.

    Like

  32. I forgot to add some other things, when originally posting.
    He’s 25 (26 in Nov).
    And I don’t believe he’s done anything. (yet)
    I only believe this because of the other things he’s told.

    And, he did look a that kind of porn when he was a teen, but hasn’t since.
    (I do monitor his computer and such)
    Clearing history doesn’t actually ‘hide’ your activity if you know where to look and such.

    And he isn’t around kids often.
    He’s job has nothing to do with kids.
    The only time he’s near kids is at my families get togethers which happen maybe, once a month.
    And he’s never alone with them. Ever.

    And I actually don’t have friends to turn to. That’s why I’m here.

    Like

  33. AnonMoon,
    I’m glad Anon3 was able to share with you. My heart really goes out to you. You are in a difficult place, that’s for sure.

    would you like to be part of the private forum? There are others there who post from time to time who have walked in your shoes. If so, please send me an e-mail at spiritualsb@gmail.com

    Like

  34. AnonMoon,

    I know how much you want to believe your husband. You love him. You’re pregnant with his child. When I was in that situation, I said all of the same things you are.

    For seven years prior to the divorce, I thought my husband was okay. He was attending Sex Addicts Anonymous twice a week and having therapy with a specialist. The two of them lied to me about my husband’s behavior. Eventually that psychologist lost his license and fled the state (not due to my husband’s case, but due to his own sexual behavior with another client).

    1. Before we married a different therapist told me my husband wouldn’t touch a child sexually again. (He was wrong; 20 years later my ex- admitted to authorities to having dozens and dozens of victims.)

    2. My husband’s job had nothing to do with kids. (But he was a salesman and cruised parks during the day, and after I went to bed at night or on weekends, saying he was going out to run errands. In high school he was a youth leader and fondled a lot of kids.)

    3. I used to claim he was never alone with kids, but in truth one day I looked outside in the backyard and saw him down on the ground tickling a neighbor girl, a perfect set up for his usual behavior. All he needed was a minute or two. On another occasion, I know he found a victim when I went out to run a quick errand.

    4. He was able to hide his porn use from me, but not from the authorities. (And I’m quite good with computers).

    5. Most molesters are family or close friends of the victim.

    I don’t believe your husband because pedophiles are fantastic liars. The deny; they minimize; they laugh at your suspicions; they act sorry; they tell you you’re not a good Christian because you’re not loving and forgiving; they get angry because you won’t trust them.

    My husband was a great liar. The head of the county treatment program for sex offenders told me my ex-husband was “bright and manipulative” and very difficult to treat. He ended up washing out of the program and labeled a “treatment failure.”

    I will say something: God knows when it is time for us to leave and he gives the strength to go. He offers power and courage we never thought we had. I never thought I could leave my husband. But when the time was right, God gave me the opportunity and the strength to go. I had to surround myself with people who would help me stay strong because living with a child molester warps your judgment and kills your self-esteem. You feel you cannot live without them, but you can. And you can thrive!

    Liked by 1 person

  35. I actually want to help him.
    I just don’t know how.

    And he’s never been to a psychologist/therapist.

    My husband works nights. He comes home by 8:30am stays home doing w/e til he has to go to be at 2pm, then gets up at 9pm, leaves at 10pm.
    I’m a stay at home wife, so I’m awake all day.
    Only one neighbor of our has kids and they’re little boys, which we never see nor talk to. (couldn’t even tell you their names)
    We don’t live in a neighborhood where we hang out or even say ‘hi’ to our neighbors.

    My father use to look up porn and cheat on my mother so my brother and I found the backways to track activity and such on computers.
    The only ‘close’ children near us is my siblings kids. And when we’re at my family events, he stays beside me. Or he actually hangs with my brother.
    When we baby-sat my niece I or my mother-in-law where always there.
    (and his mother doesn’t know about this problem, her blood father was a pedophile and did do things to her and her older sister, so she has this constant fear of such. Which her father was never ‘caught’ or anything and has always stayed a freeman.)

    The reason I believe my husband,(at least for now), is because he actually doesn’t ‘fit’ the stereotype.
    He’s a horrible lair. He doesn’t laugh at my suspicions, he actually asks if he is acting strange of needs to ‘back away’ at times. He ofc does say sorry but he also says he understands if I leave.
    He calls himself a monster and says I’m a ‘saint’ for staying with him as long as I have. He says I’m a good Christian because I am loving and forgiving.
    He doesn’t get angry that I’m having a hard time trusting him, he gets hurt, but doesn’t blame me.

    I pray every night to God, because I know I need his strength.

    Like

  36. Pedophiles have to act cooperative in order to keep you. You serve two purposes.

    1. Wives make pedophiles look normal to the outside world. (Although we know that about half of child molesters are married or have been married at least once.)

    2. These wives stay with the pedophile regardless of how he behaves due to a belief her love will change him. (Pedophile’s wives are loving, giving, idealistic, forgiving people.) Pedophiles choose women like this who will put up with anything not to be alone.

    Your family tree is littered with women who are willing to accept these kinds of men. Your daughter will too unless you break the chain.

    I broke the chain. When my son grew up and asked me what his father did, he used the same word your husband did: “Monster.”

    Using children for sexual gratification is sick…
    …and pedophilia never goes away.

    Like

  37. I believed my husband’s lies too. He seemed so totally sincere and repentant and convincing.

    You said, “I don’t know how to help him.”

    Please understand that the best way to help him is to leave. By staying you are merely providing a dangerous man with cover and aid. You are betraying your own daughter, yourself, your neighbors, your family, etc.

    He works at night so you have no idea where he really is or what computers he has access to.

    Like

  38. AnonMoon,

    Actually, your husband is a typical pedophile. He’s admitted his attraction — not just in general — but to an actual 10 year old you know. That is sick. Normal men aren’t fantasizing about 10-year-olds. He told you when you were pregnant. That’s typical. He claims he’s never done anything even though he’s got very strong urges. That’s typical.

    He feigned openness is disarming, just as the trained therapist said about my ex-husband. By admitting to a little tiny bit of his behavior, he has gained your trust. He “confounds” you by using this technique. It’s very clever, very manipulative.

    I got totally bamboozled too, and I think of myself as a good judge of character.

    One thing I haven’t mentioned: Child Protective Services can take your children away if they suspect that you knew and did nothing. They almost took away my children, but I cooperated fully so they knew I was on their side, not trying to cover for my husband.

    It takes years to break through the denial. I understand that you have a family pattern of women in denial who stay with men who behave badly. I hope you’re able to break the cycle for your daughter.

    My life is so happy now. I was so afraid for the first year after I told my ex-husband to leave. But I am so glad he’s gone gone gone.

    Like

  39. Dear AnonMoon,
    I have been following your interactions with Anon3 but have been unable to chime in until now. Let me just say that I know Anon3 personally and can vouch for her wisdom, trustworthiness and for her story. She is a living testament that there is life after having married a pedophile.

    Anon3 referenced my story briefly in one of her comments in that I was one of the women who stayed for over 3 decades after knowing that my husband had molested two children. He told me when I was pregnant with my first child. I stayed because I believed him, because he agreed to be in accountability–to me. I stayed because I wanted to give my child a chance to know his father. I stayed because I was isolated–just as you are. I stayed because my “religion” taught me that this is what I should do–after all, he was “repentant” and made promises to never, ever do such a thing again. I stayed.

    We raised our children (three in all) and his career thrived. We looked like the ideal married couple, dedicated to God, family and each other. But underneath the surface of our life together, pedophilia was eating away at the bedrock of our marriage. I now know that my husband was not present for any of our romantic interludes–he couldn’t be. He was not attracted to me–an adult woman. He struggled mightily to be my husband but he could not. I was not what he wanted.

    My front door was broken down by the police executing a raid (they called it a search warrant) after they had watched my husband download child porn for months. He worked for a well-known Christian organization so his mug shot was on the evening news the night of his arrest and our home address was released to all of the world. My now-grown children were devastated beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Anon3 had the wisdom to leave her pedophile husband while her children were young. I did not. And I truly believe that the devastation they have experienced was far greater than that of Anon3’s children. My children’s whole world view and childhood have been destroyed.

    I tried to help my husband–therapists tried to help. But this goes beyond a mere “curiosity” (his favorite word). It is more akin to a sexual orientation–it is not something he can change. I have benefited greatly by attending S-Anon, a 12 step group for family and friends of a sexually addicted individual. One of the most important things I learned from S-Anon and from my own personal therapy since my door broke down is that I didn’t cause my husband’s pedophilia, I couldn’t control it and I certainly could not cure it.

    I know you are confused, fearful and devastated by your husband’s confession. I was too. It doesn’t take much for me to know exactly how you feel–I felt the same way. I am so proud of you for searching for answers and so grateful that you found SSB. I wish this had been available for me over 35 years ago when I was in your shoes. I did not tell another human being for 20 years and can still recall the sense of relief I felt when my best friend finally knew my closely-held secret. You are much further ahead of where I was when I first knew.

    I am so sorry that what should be the happiest time of your life has turned into such a nightmare; I am so sorry. I am sorry that you are having to grapple with such life-altering truths that threaten the very foundation of the family you are building when you are gestating another human being. This just sucks–there is nothing good about it.

    I don’t make this offer frequently but I will for you. If you want to talk, email Julie privately and she can provide you with my telephone number (Julie, you have my permission). You can reach out if and when you choose and I will walk this with you. No judgment, no pressure, just a listening ear from someone who has been where you are.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  40. “By staying you are merely providing a dangerous man with cover and aid. You are betraying your own daughter, yourself, your neighbors, your family, etc.”

    Exactly that. Leave.

    Some aspects of leaving won’t be easy of course. Your financial position may be worse. You’ll also have to move homes. You’ll lose some friends (mutual friends that knew him before you, will side with him and not believe you). Depending on your specific life situation there may be even more difficulties.

    But none of that matters, because your FIRST responsibility is to do everything in your power to prevent him from ever molesting a child again. You’re an adult, you come second.

    Like

  41. I found out 3 months ago 3 days before our anniversary my 16yr old and my husband 45 had sex 3 times, found out how promiscuous my daughter was and she was involved with a 19 yr who was ” directing” my daughter to do sexual thing such as tempt my husband.please do not judge me as I am not finished with this story. My husband was sick and wrong in every way to do this. He’s the adult and should not have given in to this temptation. My daughter admitted to me that she “asked” him to. I struggled with my gut feelings over all this for weeks because my husband was a good husband however he struggled with sex addiction that’s apparently was a lot worse than I ever fathomed.. he hit his rock bottom. Even after the statements were taken and he made his confession he still couldn’t tell me to my face that he did it. Also my daughter admitted to me that this 19 yr old boy was her “master” and did what he said. He asked her if she would do certain things and she did.I found out she sent him explicit pics of her self and I read twisted FB IMs between them. I contacted the military as he is stationed over seas. And he is being investigated. My daughter is in therapy now for this part. My husband is sitting in jail out of town because he decided to get on a plane to go see family before he turned himself in.. but the indictment was passed Down a month early and I told him he can’t leave but he lied to me and left so I turned him. Have struggled and struggled over this. I loved him so much. He was a better dad to my kids than their own who disappeared almost 2 yrs ago. My daughter is my first mission and getting her help before she’s released into this uncertain world is something I have to do. I feel like I’m being judged because I still love him and Satan had a hold of him bad. This tragedy brought me back to God and he said he gave his life to Jesus. Only God knows if he truly did. He has thrown away everything God put before him because he couldn’t control his desires. I even found out he was sexting a co-worker and sent explicit pics of himself to her. He just won’t confess to any other infidelity.He doesn’t know I found out about the cheating. I haven’t spoken to him but one time since he’s been sitting in another state waiting to be extradited. My mother thinks I should be over this by now. She thinks it’s a betrayal to my daughter. It’s hard to get past when almost everyday I find out something new about his secrets of something she did. I hear comments all the time about how if this happened to them they would go insane, they just aren’t here with me when I’m alone.. I cry, I yell, I feel hopeless, I feel on the edge, anxiety, I feel like a emotional roller coaster.(what good would shutting down do my girls) however I do isolate myself when I’m not shuttling them around. It takes time to heal. I’ve told people not to rush me. I thank God for my church family. They support my family but they also pray for him. When He comes back to the county jail they are planning on visiting him through the outreach program they have for prisoners. I forgave him and my daughter for what happened with them. But now New info.. I’m trying. I can’t move forward without forgiving. As for financially I’m ok without him.paycheck to paycheck but I make my bills. I spend more time with my girls without him.. one thing a sex addict does is always want to be clingy because they are afraid he will be cheated on so he tried to monopolize all my time. So that’s a positive that’s come out of this..spending more time with my girls..and I feel released because I’m not worried who just texted him or was he really working late. I do pray he will have a testimony to share one day with other addicts and offenders.

    Like

  42. I just found this page and it’s the first time I have ever come across anything like this where I understand and I think someone may understand my story. I’ve been looking for a place like this for a while I think. My husband and I met in 2008, it wasn’t even 3 months into our relationship that I caught him sending photos through texts to another woman. We have been together since 2008 and married in 2011. Through out our entire relationship every 3-6 months I would find something new. Texts, photos, emails, computer messages, websites….the story was always the same, he was sorry and he would never do it again and he begged and cried and threaten suicide if I left. So I never left. In May of 2013 my brother in law got married and his wife had a 14 year old daughter. My husband and this daughter became close. I was not comfortable with the relationship and voiced that many time and was told “she’s like my little sister” or by her mom “she thinks of him like a brother since her own brother is in prison”. In December 2013 my uneasy feelings about that relationship where validated when it came out that my husband (who was a truck driver) had taken this girl on the road with him at least 3 times for 2-3 days at a time. That means sleeping in the cab of the truck together. The girl says they had sex. My husband said they didn’t. I have seen facebook messages between the two of them saying they loved each other, my husband calling me names and telling her how much he hated me, telling her that when she was 18 they would be together. My husband to this day says there was no sex. He says to this day he has never had sex with anyone while we have been married. I don’t believe and I feel guilty for that. July 2014 my husband was picked by US Marshalls for the charge of taking a minor across state lines with sexual intent. Even though he said he didn’t have sex with her he plead guilty. He entered a federal prison in May 2015 and will be there until January 2024. I am still married to him. I was going to be the wife that stayed. The one that relied on God to get us through and save our marriage. Until the last 2 months. I’m miserable. I am removed enough from the situation to see things I didn’t see before. I am a christian woman and I am struggling with wanting to divorce my husband. God never wants divorce. My husband became a christian in January 2014. He says he has changed. He says he is a different person. I would like to believe him but 7 years of lies doesn’t leave much room for any trust at all. He says that I have to just trust God and we will make it through this and have a great marriage when he gets out. We never had a great marriage before, so I am having a hard time thinking it will be great after we spend 8 years apart. I feel like if I leave this marriage, I am basically saying I don’t trust that God can reconcile this marriage. I feel like I am in a battle of what I want and what the bible says. I don’t know what to do from here. I know that I want to divorce and try to find some healing and some happiness, but I don’t want to disobey God by leaving and not trusting him to fix it. I am miserable every day. I cry all the time. It seems like it would be better to not live at all than to live like this.

    Like

  43. @Looking For Hope,

    I am sorry to hear about this heartbreaking betrayal in your marriage and family.
    Here are some steps that I recommend that you take:

    *Please see your doctor about your crying all of the time and the trauma you have experienced. You should have a check-up and a referral to a professional therapist to help you. If you can’t afford one, please contact your county mental health agency and ask for help.

    *The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day/7 days a week.
    You said that it would seem it would be better not to live at all than to live like this.
    They are very nice people and I would encourage you to call them for help and guidance in your situation.
    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/yourself.aspx
    -800-273-8255

    *Here are two very good blogs of wives who found themselves betrayed like you have been:

    Clara Hinton’s blog called Finding a Healing Place
    http://www.findingahealingplace.com/

    Please also check out the Resources tab. There is a very good video taught by her son Jimmy Hinton.

    Brenda Elysium’s blog called A Solitary Journey:
    http://brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com/

    *About bad marriages

    A Cry For Justice
    http://cryingoutforjustice.com/tag/jeff-crippen/

    This is run by a pastor Jeff in Oregon and Barbara, an expert about bad marriages, who lives in Australia. They also have good books and resources.

    While this website is a wonderful source of help, you need additional support at this time and I would encourage you to seek it and take care of yourself.

    Like

  44. Dear Looking For Hope,

    You mentioned this:

    I feel like if I leave this marriage, I am basically saying I don’t trust that God can reconcile this marriage. I feel like I am in a battle of what I want and what the bible says.

    I understand your comment. There are pastors who teach this, but the truth is that IS NOT IN THE BIBLE.

    Jesus exerted 100% control over nature, but never controlled the hearts of people he met. Look at the Gospels. Jesus never did the Jedi mind-trick and made sinful people repent and be good. He accepted people’s own decisions. If they didn’t want to follow him, so be it.

    The fact that they were too proud, or too greedy, or too selfish to follow him didn’t seem to alarm Jesus. Jesus was sad when they walked away, but HE LET THEM GO.

    You need to do what Jesus did. Accept the truth about your husband, and let him fade away.

    Anon3

    Like

  45. I’m 29 was married 11years together total of 14yrs I had a baby from a previous boyfriend although the man I ended up marrying took on the role of a father for my daughter. We married I had a son with him. I thought I had a great husband never had friends he went out with or drink with, allowed me to stay home with the kids, provided well, and overall good STRICK dad. I loved him and still do.
    Only to find he had been molesting my daughter since she was 8yrs old and never suspected nor did she show the typical signs of abuse. It took her 4yrs to speak.
    That day I left him knowing I hadn’t worked since I was 19 I had no job I didn’t know how I would make it but I knew I couldn’t stay even thou I loved him and desperately wanted to maintain my marriage.
    It’s been 2yrs since it all came out he sits in prison now. And it’s late nights like this that my mind runs wild desperately looking for answers of why? The man didn’t even have a traffic ticket to his name I was just a shock to everyone but thank you Jesus he did admit he had done it and I saw it again in the interrogation video. So I got closer on that.
    But I quickly jumped into school this came out December 7 2013.
    I finally got a low paying job at a hotel. I jumped into school may 2014 and am currently still a student with graduation approaching aug 2016.
    I have swept it under the rug and been too busy to deal with my loss and emotions that come with this tragedy.

    And every year during my Xmas vacation from school is when it hits.
    It’s been hard I’ve gone threw depression, sadness, humility, the whys and what ifs, the anger, resentment, fear, crying every emotion thinkable. I don’t think I’m done grieving I can’t find a way to completely forget him or let him go in a weird way. I still love him. he’s all I’ve known since I was 15yrs old n when I see my son I see him I go through pictures and I can’t seem to put them away. I miss the happy life I thought we had.

    But since this I have embraced God and put faith in him 100%.
    I can say today that God has put me through the ultimate test of faith and patience.

    I believe the best blessing has come from my biggest disappointment.
    I believe this is what had to happen in order for me to change my life. i hate that my baby had to suffer and I still fight with guilt of it being my fault no matter people, therapist, friends, priest tell me, it’s not I didn’t protect her bc I didn’t know but bc I was a teen mom and wanted a father for my daughter. I chose him I brought him into my life and hers.

    Either way, I have found forgiveness in my heart for him I pitty him and I pray for him. God placed him into my life to serve his purpose for me had it been another woman someone else child I would of been blinded and stayed.

    Without the fire destroying my world I wouldn’t be where I’m at and I’m still not fully where I want to be but I can feel it getting closer.

    I have learned to see the beauty of a fire how life is marvelous and magical as to how it repairs and rebuilds it’s self.

    I know God placed this on me to one day speak of my testimony of how God saved me December 7, 2013
    When I could find a job not even Walmart or McDonald’s called me back for a job interview and bills piling up I finally got a job on the spot at that hotel
    2.i had already used government help to get my 2yr degree back in 07
    Coming back and applying and telling financial aid my story the helped me get $ to start the respiratory program and I didn’t pay when there shouldn’t have been any money for me. God is good
    3.when I went through this ordeal of filing criminal charges ppl said be prepared, with no penetration, no record on him he may get 10yrs probation. God condemned the wicked and he got 25yrs with no parole.

    When I went through my divorce I had a stranger that didn’t know me but heard my story pay all my fees!!
    When I thought I’d lose my house and we would have to split assets and thought he didn’t deserve anything. JUDGE ruled in my favor I kept everything but his clothes n car. I even got my wish of supervised visitations for our son. I got sole custody.

    5.when my daughter wanted to find her biological dad I knew things wouldn’t end well but she had to visit that and when he couldn’t agree with request we ended up in court and once again JUDGE ruled in my favor about everything! And sadly to say the relationship didn’t last but 6months.
    God has provided for me time after time he has stretched my money to allow me to meet and pay for our basic needs might I say getting paid at $8 hour NO FOOD STAMPS my kids were pulled from Medicaid I own a home which I make payment and bills no we don’t have Internet or TV and I’m blessed to say my father pays my phone but we manage and I wonder evey month how we go by and still managed to make my weekly church donations of $5 no a lot but ALOT for me.
    I got a better job as a student respiratory tech out of 10 students applying I was one of the chosen. God is good!!
    8.when I thought and feared my kids were damaged and have issues do drugs rebel. I’m blessed to say they are the happiest I have seen them in years.
    9.this year I had already told my kids no presents this year they understood n were ok with it. at church we do the angel tree every year I pick a boy n girl this year wasn’t any diff even though I wasn’t sure how I would but the gift with cash being low I picked two children that all they wanted was a blanket I spend the rest of my cash on getting materials to make these kids blankets. Well good deeds never go unseen my children received presents from many of my fellow classmates, people from work I just meet it touched my heart to know how blessed I was bc God provided in the end with the kindness of people heart that they thought of my children
    I have a new car, I am saving for a new home, I have started my new career.
    I can honestly say I have shown my children how to handle a tragedy with grace and how anything is possible with GOd, faith and hard work.
    I’m by any means the smart girl I work countless hours studying I have sacrificed time with my children and family to make the grades I do but it’s only temporary And for the betterment of our lives.

    There are many many days I cry because I’m tired I’m frustrated and overwhelmed but God gives me thevstreght to keep doing it bc I honestly don’t know how I have juggled it all work school clinicals STUDING homework children cleaning cooking bills…before all I did was stay home made dinner I had the easiest carefree life I was a lazy person and to be able to do what I’ve done and still do amazes me everyday
    I am strong I am confident I help people I feel good about myself I am dreaming big bc the possibilitys are endless and I would of never had these things these experiences if this tragedy didn’t happen. I’m broken with love And trust but I’m a new woman and I have been provided with a second chance and am taking it with full force
    I understand me n my kids were in a controlled relationship a verbal n mental abuse situation but I didn’t know until I’m on the outside looking in.
    I’m here living proof there is hope you can make it on your own. it’s never easy but nothing worth doing is without sacrifices and shedding blood sweat and tears.
    Statistics show mothers tend to be in denial and stay in the relationship
    I understand it’s easier financially n easier to co patent than to be completely alone and not even get child support because they are incarcerated not to mention the fear of doing it alone and the doubt if you could possibly do it
    It all crossed my mind…
    I hope one day when my walk on this path is over I can share my testimony and help other mothers that are dealing with this ordeal
    Thank you for sharing this story!! I needed to run across this for my healing!

    Like

  46. @looking for hope

    I understand I didn’t want the divorce and I contemplated the vowes good bad together forever

    But because it was my daughter and later to find he did it to his step sister I knew God gave us free will and he is merciful I knew if this was wrong he would understand and forgive me

    Mine left on June 2015 for 25yrs no parole and six weeks after I relieved a letter from him

    Stating he was baptized the week before thanksgiving and found the lord n saw his selfish jealous ways how I deserved a better husband n the kids deserved a good father and he knew he could be that now that he knew what he lost so if there was any way for me to find his lawyer and see what can be done to get him out…???

    Unfortunately it’s not my place to judge him but I’m not certain he’s truly found Christ. I believe incarcerated men find the lord because that’s all they have left to do and for the ones attempting parole well it looks better.

    My X had been going to church threw this whole process why didn’t he get baptized then ask for my forgiveness why didn’t he find it in county jail? Why did he find Christ when he his prison?

    I do pray that I’m completely wrong and he repents for his sins and finds his truth finds help and can better understand him self. 25years is a long time and God is who these men need to get threw prison finding peace and hope.

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  47. Dear LMR,

    I am so happy that you found SSB but so very sad for the tragedy you experienced such a short time ago. As someone who has walked a similar path to yours, I understand the conflicting emotions but also the unyielding determination to make it for your children’s sake. My world exploded on February 29, 2012–I too was unemployed at the time and would have been homeless had it not been for family members. My husband was employed at a well-known evangelical college and of course was terminated immediately. The road to recovery is long, as you have discovered but it is good.

    The grief lessens but I don’t think it will ever go completely away. This time of year is always a bit difficult for me because so much happened–so many sad days to mark. This year February 29 is actually on the calendar–we haven’t had to mark that day since 2012, so I am preparing myself for some additional grief. It hurts the most when I see the hurt in my grown children’s eyes, and I am sure you can identify. I am so proud of you–for getting out, for protecting your children and for going back to school. You have demonstrated a strength that is admirable and your faith and trust in God has come at a great price but isn’t it amazing?

    Hang in there–better days are just ahead.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  48. LMR, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have gone through the most difficult part and are still standing. What an encouragement you are to others who may read this right in the midst of their own crisis. Thank you!

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  49. Dear LMR,

    Thank you for sharing your story of tragedy and triumph. We’re so thrilled to hear the Lord has taken care of you, and your kids have turned out happier.

    For many of us, going through this type of disaster brings us closer to God, and it sounds like you know him and his power — and are able to give others hope.

    Blessings to you and your children,
    Anon3

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  50. I married a man who I thought was God sent. I thought he was everything I prayed for and more. I had 5 kids when we married. He was so good to them. He was a minister and minister of music at a wonderful church. My children did not attend church so it was a different experience. He got us involved in church and we loved it. I later gave birth to a daughter and he was a wonderful father. Later he begun to change. He became moody and down right mean. I later found he had a bad cocaine problem, which shocked me, he was a beloved minister. Our marriage started suffering and we argued all the time. He stopped having sex with me saying it wasn’t necessary but he loved me. Then he started being hateful and then took a particular liking to my youngest son. Saying the other kids were my favorites and started being mean to all of them, including his own biological child. Fast forward to 2012. I volunteered to work vacation bible school. He became jealous of the attention I was getting from the church. One night about 11:45 I woke up and he wasn’t in bed. I got up and checked on kids and my younger son wasn’t in his bed. I went to the patio room built on to our house, something said peep through the small hole I had made in the corner of the door earlier that day. I looked in a saw him molesting my son. I saw red. I punched the glass panel, unlocked the door and went in and confronted him. He begged, cried and pleaded while my son screamed cried. My first instinct was to kill him but I stopped in my tracks and called 911 instead. He ran behind me dressed in only pants begging, when he realized I wasn’t having no compromise he ran and got the shot gun saying he would kill himself. My first instinct was to let him but reality kicked in and I thought he may kill me and get away with it. Everyone loved and cherished him. I wrestled him for the gun for what seemed like forever and finally the police arrived. He got away from them and was on the run for 2 days before turning himself in. Since I have been homeless and struggling. I have a house now but it needs a lot of work. The only income I have is SSI. He worked. I am struggling but I am free. It has been hard. My son is now about to graduate from high school and has been accepted to college. Everyday is hard, but God has kept me sane and I am keeping my faith and smile. But I can’t find it in my heart to forgive him. I am preparing to file for divorce so I can officially move on. I haven’t seen him since 2012 and,I don’t care to. I am hoping he signs over his parental rights to my daughter. At times I thought I would loose my mind. Sometimes I still do. But prayer changes things.

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  51. Dear Antinea,
    I am so sorry for the horrendous betrayal you and your children have experienced and am so grateful that you called the police when you knew what you knew. You did the right thing. Forget about the need/desire to forgive him. If and when you do it will not be for him but rather the gift that you give yourself–cutting yourself free from the hurt than binds you to him.

    Recovery takes time. My own world exploded in 2012 as well. One of the best things I did was become involved in S-Anon, a 12-step group for family members who have experienced sexual betrayal or the sexual addiction of a loved one. I encourage you to find a group in your area. If you want to email me at my blog email, I can help you with that.

    The man you married is a predator and he targeted you–he groomed you, wooed you and then horrendously betrayed you. You are probably not his first victim, because you are a victim, and you will not be his last unless he is incarcerated for a very long time. Please know that this wasn’t your fault, you are not a bad mother and you certainly did nothing to deserve this. You are not alone.

    How can we help?
    Hugs,
    Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  52. Thank u Brenda. Unfortunately he is out but registered as a sex offender. He still has a lot of support in his hometown. Crazy part he use to be a teacher. I found out after my incident. 2 students came forward but the parents refused to cooperate and press charges so he was given the chance to resign and it never got out. Small towns and there dark secrets. I appreciate the feedback and encouragement. I don’t understand how monsters operate, and how they live with themselves but I am not a monster so I guess I wouldn’t. Thank u again.

    Liked by 1 person

  53. Thank u. I emailed u. Posting here has been helpful if that makes sense. Hadn’t talked about it in So long, just been harboring the pain. Feel myself getting depressed at times, but thank God for prayer. Thank you all for listening and commenting back.

    Liked by 1 person

  54. My husband is in jail denying the charges of molesting my daughter (his step-daughter) and we have a 1 year old son together. I have already gone through one divorce due to domestic violence. I strongly feel that I shouldn’t have even divorced my first husband even though biblically it was acceptable. My question is this… what does Jesus want me to do? I am not supposed to be representing him to the world by being as much like him as I humanly possibly can? Is it acceptable to Jesus that I make myself a liar after I have made my Vows and promised my husband I would never leave him through this tough situation? Jesus sees all sin the same. To him all sin is scarlet. So if I am to be truly following Jesus and not just saying I follow him…. should it not show in my actions? No matter how hard it may be at times are we not called by Jesus to overcome with the help of the Holy Spirit? Doesn’t Jesus say that if we believe in him and love him then we will do what God has commanded us? I am sorry but I think that too many Christian women see “a way out” and take it because it is easy. I wonder what Jesus thinks about that? We need to make sure that we are following after God with all we are and all we have no matter what other people think. No matter how difficult. Now please tell me where the Bible sais that it’s okay NOT to follow the Comands of God if it is to hard, disgusting, or hurtful? If you can tell me that then I may change my mind. This is so hard to go through. I want to protect my children and at the same time I want to keep my vows and promises. I want to follow Jesus with all I have and am so that when that day comes… I will be able to stand before my Lord Jesus.

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  55. Dear Bez,

    I understand your thinking process, I truly do. I justified staying for nearly a decade. We wives of pedophiles try to put all of the spiritual responsibility on ourselves and none on our spouses. We think that if we do everything right (prayer, fasting, tithing, acts of service, Bible reading, etc.), God will fix our husband.

    But he doesn’t. God doesn’t always heal cancer or heart disease, either.

    We wives want to feel we were doing the right thing. We want to believe that our love will fix this broken damaged man. We feel our sacrifice will show him a better example. But has it? No. He continues to do wrong.

    The problem is: Our love cannot fix our husband. We cannot heal his heart. The man has his own will and he can choose to do wrong over and over.

    Jesus was not successful in changing the hearts of everyone he met. And he didn’t agonize over those who walked away. Remember the Rich Young Ruler? Jesus loved him, but let him go. Jesus didn’t chase him. Jesus didn’t stay up all that night agonizing because he had failed to change the young man. He let him walk away.

    If you are like me, you’re very afraid to face the world alone with your children. You’re probably afraid of how to pay the bills and keep food on the table. But God’s grace and power are out there for you. God will take care of you.

    Here’s what my pastor told me, when I was feeling the way you are:

    My pastor: I believe you are scripturally free to make any decision you wish. If for any reason, you wanted to reconcile and make another go at it, that’s a choice that is available to you. Even when there has been a scriptural breaking of the marriage there can be forgiveness and reconciliation. The key question, however, is “What has happened other than the passage of time?” Anybody can be forgiven for a failure or indiscretion. What you need to conclude, however, is whether the “condition” in his life is different in any way.

    [My comment: “No, my husband’s apologies sound like they were written by someone else. He is still irresponsible and selfish. He cannot even please his boss and keep a job.”]



    My pastor: “It is understandable that he would want to reconcile. He doesn’t have to apologize for that. He’s done wrong. He knows it. He wants his wife and family back. I don’t fault him for that. His words have to be heard through the filter of what you know him to be, however, and whether in your judgment there is any hope for change in the condition that has contributed to his way of viewing life, himself, you and his conduct.”

    [My comment: No – he hasn’t even changed during this 6 month separation.]



    My pastor: “Do you want a happy marriage? Yes.
    “Are you a tolerant and forgiving person. Yes.
    “Are you willing to go the extra mile? Yes.
    
”How many extra miles do you have to go, however, before concluding that, sadly, this person whom you have loved and with whom you have tried to forge life simply doesn’t have what it takes to make a faithful commitment to you and earn your trust?”

    [My comment: No more miles.]



    My pastor: “As I said, the key question is ‘What has changed other than the passage of time?’
    My pastor: “Also, remember that it is not you who have chosen to end the marriage. He has. His conduct has broken the marriage bond. All you are doing is acknowledging it and bringing the civil records up to date about the true condition of the marriage.”

    My pastor: “I vote for remaining free.”

    +

    Dear Bez, when your children become older, they will thank you for leaving your husband. When mine grew up and became adults, told me they were proud of me and I had done the right thing. They were so grateful not to be raised in a home with a predator.

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  56. Dear Bez,

    I completely concur with Anon3’s response! Your husband probably targeted you because you have child from your previous marriage. I have linked a post that I did on my blog about another partner of a pedophile who had her marriage annulled. The judge granted the annulment because he agreed that her husband had perpetrated fraud in marrying her–he had no interest in her as a sexual companion but was marrying her to provide a cover for himself and easier access to children.

    http://brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com/2015/05/heartbroken-and-angry.html?m=0

    My ex-husband (convicted pedophile) married me under similar false pretenses–he believed sex with me would solve his “problem.” It didn’t. So he also perpetrated a fraud–he married me with promises he could never keep and with intentions that had nothing to do with sharing a life with me but rather with his own selfish needs. You are right, marriage is a covenant made between two people before God. But if one party enters that contract/covenant with no intention of keeping the vows he is making, is it a legal contract? Is it really a covenant?

    In my mind, the bigger issue is protecting your children. Is it God’s will for their safety to be compromised because a marriage needs to be preserved? Does he value the institution of marriage over the innocence of a child? Pedophilia does not go away, is not easily treated and will be a part of your life if you stay married to this man. He may be able to fool a lot of people–he has changed, he is reformed, he is healed, etc. But under the best of circumstances, with the most motivated of clients and with expertly trained professionals, the most that can be expected is a controlled condition, not a healed one.

    I understand your desire to please God–I really do. You are in a very tough situation and I know that place because I have been there. I don’t mean to sound harsh or unsympathetic. I just know that there is a place of freedom, of joy in the Lord and of great promise post-divorce from a pedophile predator. My prayer is that you will find this place.

    Best,
    Brenda

    Liked by 1 person

  57. Brenda your blog was informative, thank you. It also has me curious, I am wondering if I can file for an annulment as well. After my situation happened where I caught my husband molesting my son it came out when he was a teacher at his hometown high school, 2 boys accused him of molesting them. The parents if the children never pressed charges and the school allowed him to resign. It never went on his record. Fast forward 4 years later he Mets, marries me, I had 4 sons when he married me.

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  58. I met a beautiful man four years ago. We dated for a year and then were married. I have Five children from a previous marriage my youngest two girls are the victims. About august of this year my daughters were on vacation with there father..who might i say is also a monster in his own way. My daughters father calls me and proceeded to tell me that my daughters said that my current husband was molesting at first i felt rage and asked my husband to leave. At this point authorities were aware and were performing an investigation. I had to give a statement and so did my 14 yr son. I never spoke with my daughters and there father refused to send them home from California were his current gf resides and decided to stay there. I have full legal custody of the girls so i called the local sheriffs office but they told me that they could do nothing. As things started to come out there were things that didnt make sense. I started to believe that my girls father had made these accusations up to try and gain custody of the children.

    I talked to family and friends who also said they found it very difficult to believe that my husband had done such things. Fast forward to just 5 days ago my husband was arrested in october and released on bail. A preliminary hearing was scheduled and after almost 3 times of not appearing my daughters and there father flew in for court. Both girls testified and gave two separate stories however they were always together when the alleged happened. They upped my husbands bail and he is back in prison however 45 precent of his charges have already been dismissed. I am an utter and total mess. Dh will not give me my children back, however i still have two at home my 14 yr old and my 1 year old with my husband. They said i cant have my children because i may taint them into changing there testimony. I am petrified. I love my children and would protect them with my last breath i never new anything was happening apperantly he threatened that he would kill me if they did. I need help i am constantly crying and in fear finacially screwed my husband was the bread winner. Every time i look at my baby i cry what will i tell him when hes older how will i handle that. This has already been a battle for the last year with no end in sight.

    I’ve been told i may never get my girls back and if i do it will be determined by the outcome of trial. Now im only allowed supervised visits and my girls beg and cry to come home with me. This is killing me. I cant function any more nothing seems right i have questions that are unanswered. My husband doesnt even fit the profile im lost and need help and the worst part is i still love him..why…i need resources i cant afford an attorney the one they appt me sucks. I dont even no were ro begin to look for a support group. Please any info would be greatly appreciated. This is truly devistating to my whole family. Thank you

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  59. Dear Mom of 6,
    I am so sorry for the betrayal and losses your husband’s behavior has brought to you and your children. The fact that you were a single mother with two beautiful little girls probably made you a perfect target for him. He is a predator, pure and simple.

    But that doesn’t minimize the pain over his betrayal that you are feeling. You are not alone, you did not do this, he did. I am so sorry.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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  60. Hi I married an divorced a pedo years ago ss didn’t help me at all felt so alone an still do I’m still classed as a pedos wife even tho I not been with him for years I kp getting this thrown bk in my face all the time not everyone nos full facts ppl still think I’m still with him WHN I’m not someone brought all this up last nite on my nite out

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