Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

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Letter from the wife of a pedophile explaining why she stayed and how she finally got out. Encouragement for other wives of child molesters.

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Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

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Some of you may have read the following comment from last night, but it just will not leave my mind.  A courageous woman, Anon 3,  who was married to a pedophile reached out to address the wives of pedophiles involved in the Sovereign Grace Ministries lawsuit.  Her words were beautiful and gave hope.  In a later comment, she said that this was the very first time she had disclosed it publicly and felt that maybe God was prompting her to do so.   I, too, feel compelled to make Anon 3′s comment into a post in order to reach a wider audience via internet searches and so it will not be merely buried in the comments area.

PHOTO

To those who have stopped by via an internet search on this topic, welcome.  You may be in a very difficult place.  No one knows the path each individual takes.  Some agonize for months and even years on whether to stay or whether to go.  On this blog, we talk a lot about spiritual abuse, but haven’t delved into the topic of what it is like to be married to a pedophile.  I happen to know a wife who is married to a pedophile and has remained married to him.  Although she would say things are fine, when I look at their marriage, I do not see that.  I see pain and emotional distance.  There is no intimacy, but two people living two separate lives.  She never got the courage to leave and it has taken its toll on the entire family, including extended family.  But she believes that she has made the right decision.

No one can make that decision for anyone else.  It comes with a cost.  That might be why Anon 3′s comment struck me profoundly.  This brave woman chose a difficult path of leaving the familiar behind and venturing out on her own with her children.  Her words speak for themselves.  If you are the wife of a pedophile, know that as I type these words, my prayers are with you  - – that you will be able to make the best decision for you and your family and that you will also continue to surround yourself with safe and loving support from friends/family who care.  You should not have to be alone in this process whether you decide to stay or leave.  ~Julie Anne

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A Letter from the Wife of a Child Molester

I actually do feel compassion for the perpetrator’s families. And I have a message for the wives:

I want you to know how sorry I am about your situation – both for you and your children.

You are not the only Christian woman who married a pedophile. I did too. I left him more than a decade ago because I knew that someday I would end up on headline news, just as you have. I am so sorry for the embarrassment and humiliation you’ve suffered.

Each of us makes our own decision. I stayed a long time with my husband too. I’m probably about your age. I hoped that my love would fill that empty place in his heart. It didn’t. I had fasted and prayed during my entire marriage. We tried years of counseling and even an in-patient treatment center. My husband got a masters in marriage and family therapy from a Christian university. It didn’t help.

One day, I found out about a new incident, and I realized I had to get out for the sake of my children and everyone around us.

I felt the Lord saying, “You are like a bird in a cage. But see? I have opened the door. You may fly out or stay in. But that door won’t open again.”

I flew out. And I am so happy I did. I asked my husband to leave – exhibiting a strength and toughness I never knew I had. I got him out of my home, out of my church, out of my neighborhood, and out of my town. I did not hate him; but I knew he was a walking disaster area.

Yes, the first couple of years were hard financially, but God was faithful. My children suffered at first, but they have turned out as lovely whole people. They are winners in every sense: personally, academically, and spiritually. They don’t have the level of damage in their lives that their father does. They love him but see his limits. I told them the truth when they turned 21. (They hadn’t been victims themselves and hadn’t known.)

I want to give you hope that if you want to fly out the open door, that life is wonderful out here. Yes, you will hurt a lot for a year, maybe two. But the joy of living without the burden of a pedophile in your life is incredible.

• I thought God could never use me again. But he has.
• I thought I would never be in ministry again. But I am — even more than before.
• I thought people at church would condemn me. But they didn’t. They surrounded me with love.
• I thought I would never be financially solid again. But I am. In fact I have 10 times the assets I did when I was married, and my retirement is nearly fully funded.
• I thought I was disqualified for God’s best. But I know now I am a daughter of the Lord, and am blessed.
• I thought my children would be damaged and hopelessly dysfunctional. They aren’t. They tell me that they feel the same as everyone else. In fact, they look at their friends’ mothers and see a lot more dysfunction there.
• I thought I would never have any honor. I’ve been put on many corporate and non-profit boards and served in far more leadership positions in church than I did when I was married.
• My children are proud of me for what I did.

I hope this has given you hope.

Whatever you decide, the choice is truly yours. I am thrilled I was set free. My life is incredibly happy. There are much worse things in this world than divorce.

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Update 7/27/13:  Even though this blog post is not current, the comments are being followed by others whose lives have been affected by pedophilia.  Feel free to reach out in the comment section (using a pseudonym is perfectly fine).  I keep all e-mail addresses strictly confidential.  

If you are struggling with the fact that your spouse/family member or close acquaintance is a pedophile and need help, please let me know.  I will try to find help/resources for you.  I have been in touch with others  behind the scenes gathering resources on this subject.  

You must know that you are not alone.  There are many wives/families who have walked your journey and would love to reach out to you.  ~Julie Anne

140 comments on “Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

  1. This letter is so profound! I am deeply touched by this woman’s faith and courage in Jesus~He does heal the brokenhearted. I was raised by a pedofile and the shame and pain has followed me my whole life, that is until I met the Healer and Comforter. I was able to forgive my father and yes mother for the distortion they raised me. My mother was just as sick as my father, they died months apart. I thought I would have closure but didn’t. Once again, my Lord and Savior comforted me…and gives me the courage to stand up for children who don’t have a voice or adult to report their abuse. To God be the glory, He does heal the brokenhearted and gives an abundant life to those whom He calls.
    Thanks JA for covering this taboo subject.

  2. Thank you, hope in the healing, for sharing your story. If you would like to share more of it, please contact me (spiritualsb @ gmail dot com). I’m so glad that you have found healing. You’ve been down a very difficult journey! ~ja

  3. Dear “hope in the healing,” I’m glad you are turning your pain into advocacy for others. it sounds as though you’ve made great progress. Keep up the good work. I love the verse you quoted. -Anon 3

  4. Anon 3-

    Thank you for sharing this part of your life story. While some spouses may be enablers or perpetrators themselves, many of them (probably most of them), like yourself, are victims in your own right. You may not have been a victim of the abuse directly, but you still suffered because of it. It had tragic consequences in your marriage, on your emotions, and on your spirit. You did indeed make a courageous decision, and I believe you did the right thing in your situation. I am happy to hear that you have been able to find healing and strength to move forward in spite of all that happened. God truly can heal even the deepest of hurts and comfort the darkest of sorrows.

    Telling your story, whether it is in a paper, on TV, or in a blog like this one, offers hope for others who may be in a similar situation. Even if only one person ever found but a little hope from reading your story, it is WELL WORTH IT. I applaud you!

    To any who may be reading this and are going through similar situations, but haven’t spoken up, you are in a different place in your journey. Different people reach the destination at different times, and the destination isn’t always exactly the same for everybody. Please just know that there is healing, comfort, peace, and hope. If forgiveness is needed, God offers it. Please know that you are loved and cared for too.

  5. Anon 3, something really struck me about your account. I was in an abusive marriage. My husband was a porn addict and had been having an affair with a woman I kept finding out was still in our lives, even though I thought she was gone. I, too, remember the day and the moment that God clearly told me I was free to go. The point is that it was very clear. He told me that I had done everything I could do and the choice was mine. I had cried every day for 10 years. Most women may have left long before, I guess, but that was the moment I got a clear word from God, not before. I wonder if that is what happens with believers in these situations. I began taking steps in that direction right away. It took some courage, but significantly less knowing that the Lord had spoken clearly.

  6. JoeJoe – Such a great and encouraging comment!

    Lisa – Thank you for sharing. How are you doing now? Any regrets with your decision? Having a clear word must have been very helpful. I wonder about those wives who don’t get that clear word and remain – - that must be a very difficult place to be – all of the questioning that must be going on in their minds. These are such difficult issues.

  7. Lisa,

    I had grounds for divorce by the first year of our marriage, but didn’t leave until many years later, mainly because I believed my ex-husband’s remorse and because I’m naturally an optimist. In reality, I was naive and ill-informed about the nature of pedophilia — and so was our pastor in those days.

    My husband found a therapist and together they spent the next 7 years covering up his illegal activity. The therapist thought he could handle it. What arrogance! (Yes, the therapist eventually lost his license and fled the state.)

    For me the final incident was the last straw. The peace I sensed from the birdcage illustration was just a confirmation of what I had already decided: it was all over and I could leave. In fact, to protect my children, my church, and my community, I was obligated to remove him from our lives.

    Like all wives of abusers, I had many second thoughts, especially the first 4 months, but my parents were firmly behind me, along with a pastor, and a therapist who all helped me hold my boundaries when I was weak.

    Pedophiles are great con-men and I was thankful that the judge saw right through the impressive show and slick vocabulary (remember? he was a trained therapist himself), and ruled in my favor over and over.

    Many women worry about their husband’s ability to fool the judge. But family law judges see hundreds of people like this every year, and if you bring all of the evidence to the table, you will likely win. They aren’t as naive and gullible as we are. I was able to keep sole custody of my children.

    As I said in an earlier comment, my ex-husband was turned into the authorities and was under court-appointed treatment for many years. Much later he was deemed a treatment failure.

    There’s really no point in staying with abusers. They will take you down with them. To save your children and yourself, you must get out.

    But the good news is this: God has blessed me and my children in every possible way. The Lord restored the years the locust ate — and then some. It took a long time to heal, but it does and will happen. I cannot emphasize how full of love and laughter and optimism we are.

  8. Anon 3,
    Thank you for sharing your story, and for your sound advice. I think your message is so timely given the environment in Christendom today, and because of the twisted perspective that continues to be fed to women by “Christian” leaders.

    Pat Robertson is, yet again, spewing his drivel:
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2325542/Pat-Robertson-cheating-Evangelist-tells-woman-grateful-husband.html

    It’s time for perspectives such as Robertson’s to stop being accepted as Christian. We need stories like yours, Anon 3, to show women that they need not accept this behavior from men as God’s will. Thank you. Thank you.

  9. Pat Robertson is, yet again, spewing his drivel:

    So what else is new? Pat Robertson — get on-camera, open mouth, insert both feet. (And this guy was classed as a “moderate” back in the Eighties!)

    I’ve heard speculation that Pat might be losing it with age and/or Alzheimers’ and/or Hardening of the Attitudes and really should step down and quietly retire, but NOBODY dares tell that to a Celebrity and Celebrity dynamics are what’s in play here.

  10. Thanks for asking Julie Anne. Well, if you can have a fairytale divorce, I had one. I won’t go in to details, but we agreed on kids and money– so all of the hard stuff, and we remained good friends. He even gave his blessing on my choice of a new husband as a stepdad–said he is a “good man.” God has been with us the whole way. We were in a financial position that I could buy my own townhouse and not work for a few years. I went back to work when my youngest was in kindergarten. They did not have to leave their schools. Sadly, my ex passed away suddenly at a young age. If I had left earlier, the money and support would not have been there for me–many things would have been different–I might not have all three of my great kids. So, yes, those years without a clear word were hard–but I am NOT suggesting anyone wait for a “clear word” to leave–if they are in danger–emotional danger to you and your children are very real too–or if they just have the courage and support to leave and not subject themselves to the emotional and physical wear and tear. The stress can be very damaging to your long-term health. Don’t be a martyr. Take care of yourself.

  11. Re: Pat Robertson–

    “Of course he cheated. He’s a man. Men have a tendancy to wander.”

    *shakes head*

    OK, two people are involved in every relationship (sometimes more than two, but that goes against God’s word, so I’m not even going to go there). It does take both parties working to keep the relastionship healthy. HOWEVER, you are only ever responsible for your OWN actions. Nobody else’s. If a man cheats on his wife, it’s not because she was slouching in her “wifely duties,” it is because he has determined in his own mind and heart that he doesn’t care enough about the relationship to try to fix whatever may be wrong, including with HIMSELF.

    Saying, “Of course I cheated. I’m a man,” is like saying, “Of course I cheated. I didn’t study but wanted the good grade.” In both cases, the person wasn’t willing to work for the “A”, but wanted it anyway.

  12. Anon 3
    I have been down in the dumps the past few days. I wanted to comment to say bravo when I first read your post, but I couldn’t find my words… I thought what you shared was powerful, and I was delighted that you shared your story. I was sexually abused some 50 years ago. The fall out from my childhood has been enormous, much struggle & anxiety. So, as someone else here said, if only one perpetrator’s spouse reads your words and gathers courage from your story a child might be saved from abuse, and that would be a miracle for that one child. Thank-You.

  13. Gail, Thank you for your comments. I want to say to wives of child molestors that it doesn’t matter how old you are, you can get out at 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 and completely begin to reverse the damage for your children. Your children want you to get out. They are longing for you to have the courage to walk away. The instant you leave, about half the healing is already done! My children are so very happy I removed their dad from our home and divorced him. They tell me how bad it would have been if he had stayed. And they are positive about marriage and family life overall; they see Daddy as an anomaly. -Anon 3

  14. Anon 3 – I just checked the blog searches and I’ve already gotten searches re: wife being married to a pedophile. I had a hunch that would happen.

  15. Julie Anne, I’m so glad to hear the letter is getting some attention. My heart breaks for the adult children who’ve shared their stories about mothers who refused to leave their pedophile husbands, and the damage this has done. In this morning’s sermon we were reminded that Jesus will give us the Holy Spirit and he has power to do miracles. When you are married to a child molester, it damages your sense of right and wrong and saps your power to act. That’s why it is so difficult for the wives to get out. If you are married to a predator, pray that the Lord will give you supernatural power to get out and stay out. He will do it. Enlist others to pray with you. It is so worth it! Your children will heal faster if you end it now. And they will love and respect you more.

  16. Thank you for this post and highlighting the comment from the wife- former wife- of the pedophile. The coments here are interesting. We have a post “Co-Pedophile” in the Word of the Day section of our blog that seeks to understand why a woman might stay. It’s a complicated and difficult issue and deserves to be thoroughly examined.

  17. Thanks for the blog post. While I think the feds are doing a great job in catching these bastards, but they leave very little resources for the wives married to them. My husband was arrested a couple months ago and pleaded guilty to various child porn charges. He had been arrested a year prior to that but was released on the ankle bracelet pending the investigation. Of course while in the back of my head I knew he was guilty, he and his family somehow manipulated me into thinking he was innocent. I was raised in a religious home and never really believed in divorce. While he was emotionally abusive prior to his initial arrest (guess I was to blind to see it) it progressively got worse over the year of his house arrest it become violent at some times. Luckily after he got arrested a couple months ago for the final time, I was able to completely escape and leave the state. He is looking at doing some pretty hard time for it because of how young the children were. It’s really hard as a wife to not want to vomit every time I think about it. How could I have possibly let it get to this level? While I desperately made every attempt to get him the help he needed, he flat out refuse and somehow always turned the whole thing into my fault. I am fairly young (late 20′s) and unfortunately have turn to alcohol to deal with it, While I am getting help and counseling…I had the misfortune about month before his arrest and came across a horrid video of a child (under 5yrs old) being raped. Now every time I try to sleep….that horrid image is the only thing I see. Which I think is the main reason why I drink so much. Does it ever get better? How do I stop having nightmares? Why do I fell like this whole thing is my fault?

  18. Sarah

    Thank you for sharing your story. That takes a lot of courage.

    So sorry to hear about what you’ve been through.
    What a horrible experience.

    It’s amazing that you’re still standing and going on.

    I’m glad you’re seeking help and counseling.

    Praying for you to get through this mess.
    And that Jesus would heal your broken heart.

    Psalm 147:3
    He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds.

    Luke 4:18
    The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
    because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor;
    he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,
    to preach deliverance to the captives,
    and recovering of sight to the blind,
    to set at liberty them that are bruised,

  19. Hi Sarah: Your comment really tugged at my heart. I’m unable to give you a decent response right now, but will when I get back to my laptop. I didn’t want you to think that I missed your comment. I’ll be back home tonight. Thanks so much for sharing here.

  20. Ok, Sarah, I’m back home. I re-read your comment and it’s as painful to read the second time around and if it’s painful for me, then I can’t imagine what it is like to live it. First off, I have never experienced what you are experiencing. I can only imagine. I’m glad that you were able to get free. It does make sense to me that you would be suffering some repercussions from his pedophilia. He needed to squelch you somehow and it looks like he succeeded for quite some time.

    At least he is now serving time and you are free. It sounds like you are trying to take on his responsibility and sin by blaming yourself. Sarah, you’ve already mentioned that you were a victim of emotional abuse. I’ve read that sometimes emotional abuse is even more challenging to deal with than physical abuse. He was able to manipulate you to remain silent by emotionally abusing you. That is not your fault.

    Of course it must be heart-wrenching to have the visual in your mind of that horrific crime. That is very sad. But once again, Sarah, that was not your responsibility. You asked at the end of the comment if it get better and why do you feel like it’s your own fault. The fact that you acknowledge you are drinking to numb the pain was such an honest response. I think anyone would want to do whatever they could do to rid themselves of that kind of image. The problem is that drinking to rid yourself from pain is not healthy.

    I would encourage you to continue your counseling and also surround yourself by loving/caring people who will hold you accountable with drinking. Another thing that you mentioned is the self-talk that tells you this is your fault. This is a process. But you do need to meditate on the truth of God’s word. Who does God say you are? Does He hold you responsible for the abuse? No. You have every right to be angry, sad, confused, etc. But I don’t think God would want you to be hindered with an alcohol problem and to take on the responsibility of your husband and his horrific crimes. Sometimes having someone to share this with is so important.

    I’ve learned along the way that God uses His people to show the love of Christ to me when I am down. I pray that God will put just the right people in your path so that you can get the help you need.

    Please don’t hesitate to write again. I know Amos is praying, as am I. big hugs to you, Sarah!
    ~Julie Anne

  21. Thank you so much for sharing. I went through a nightmare in 2011 with my husband being arrested for child pornography. Much of what you shared was true. It gives me hope that one day too I will be able to fly from where I am now with my children. I did not have family support but I felt God presence this entire couple of years and there were good friends who stood by me. Mary

  22. Mary,

    Thank you, too, for commenting. I’m sorry to hear that you did not have your family’s support, but thankful that God made His presence known to you. You ladies are not alone!

  23. Does it ever get better? How do I stop having nightmares? Why do I fell like this whole thing is my fault?

    Dear Sarah,

    I cannot imagine the heartbreak of learning your husband is watching kiddie porn, I ache for you… I discovered that my husband was watching adult porn on line two years ago and it almost did me in… So, I can only imagine that your suffering has to magnified 1000′s times of what I felt when I caught my husband on line… I am so so sorry.

    You have been through the mill so to speak, I have no clue why you feel like it is your fault.

    However, I can say now from the lens of my own perspective & story, there was so much guilt, shame & blame laid on my heart when I was a little girl. (No, I wasn’t in a religious family, but my parents were screwed up, so I too often feel uber responsible, and I often have feelings that I am doing life wrong, or it is my fault when life throws a curve)

    If I may suggest ever so gently… Perhaps, you have been manipulated, and controlled through a abusive religious system, shaming you into submission to avoid divorce at any cost…

    And about the drinking to cope, I will pray for you. Jesus Christ loves you regardless if you are sober or drunk. There is nothing that can separate you from His love, and there is “No searching of His understanding” (Do you not know? Have you not heard? Yahweh is the everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth. He never grows faint or weary; there is no limit to His understanding. Isaiah 40:28)

    He knows why you are medicating in this way, & yet I believe He longs to set you free from the bondage of alcohol. Not because He is disgusted by your coping mechanism.

    I truly believe He weeps with you, (even though that might sound far fetched at this leg of your journey) He is for you and not against you.

    He doesn’t want you to be in bondage to that which can hurt your health & well being…

    And last, I do believe there is hope, but it might take some time, all you can do as you ache, is to surrender yourself to His mercy, and do the best you can. Trust in Him, He will direct your paths. Stay in counseling too… In His Mercy & Love, Gail

  24. Sarah, you wrote: “Does it ever get better? How do I stop having nightmares? Why do I feel like this whole thing is my fault?”

    Sarah, I’m the woman who wrote the story. And I will say this: Sarah, It is not your fault. The images in your mind WILL go away slowly, but if you aren’t sleeping, you need professional help, and not just from anyone. You need someone who specializes in working with sex offenders and their family members.

    I would contact the National Association of Forensic Counselors. They may be able to direct you to an expert in your area. A regular therapist isn’t likely to be adequate.
    http://www.nationalafc.com/?Home

    Here’s what you need to repeat to yourself:
    “My husband had problems long before I met him. I did nothing to make him a sex offender and there is nothing I could do to stop him from being a sex offender. His actions and choices are his alone. It is not my fault.”

    You are blaming yourself — just as I did — believing that your love wasn’t good enough to change him. You are probably telling yourself that if you’d been a better wife, he would have been a good man. But this is a lie of the enemy. Even Jesus chose 12 disciples and one of them was Judas, the liar and betrayer. Jesus was perfect. He was loving. He healed people. Being with him for 3 years changed his disciples’ lives. But Judas didn’t change. He made his own decision to do the wrong thing. Was that Jesus’ fault? No.

    Your husband’s actions are not your fault either.

    I will pray for you to be released from the nightmares. This man is not your problem anymore. Hand him over to the Lord. God loves him and knows exactly what he needs.

  25. i appreciated reading all the loving care, wise counsel, and gracious understanding in all the comments here

    thank you, LORD, for Spiritual Sounding Board!

  26. Mary T, one of the ways we ex-wives of child sex offenders can help others is by writing to other wives as news stories break. The letter I originally posted was based on the one I wrote to Mrs. Ratcliff, the wife of the Wheaton College prof who was arrested a year or two ago for possession of child porn. The denial we live with; the lies we tell ourselves, the inappropriate blame we carry, all needs to be stripped away. Tell women that we got our children out and now live happy lives is part of our ministry.

  27. echoing “that we got our children out. . .”

    as some know, as a child, my adoptive father who was also a pastor of a church abused me as a child. i dissociated the sexual abuse. and for the most part my memories don’t begin until God gave my mother the strength and understanding to leave him. this was the summer before my fifth grade of school.

    and then and only then did my world get back on track toward living a relatively happy life.

    mothers, above yourself in all this, please think of the children first.

  28. Dear Anon 3,
    You originally wrote this amazing letter to me in March of 2012. I would love to connect with you and have arranged for Julie Anne to give you my contact information if you so choose. Thank you for holding the beacon for the rest of us!

    Brenda R.

  29. Brenda – I’m happy to do any arranging behind the scenes – with or without real names, etc. We can figure this out if both parties are in agreement. I keep everything strictly confidential. Anon 3, feel free to contact me at spiritualsb@ gmail.com if this is something you’d like to do. ~ja

  30. This blog is written by a recovering partner and may be helpful for those in similar circumstances.

    brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com

  31. Dear Brenda R. and Julie Anne,

    What a thrill. I’m so glad to hear from you, Brenda. I’ve prayed for you and your kids.

    I would love to connect. I’ll send you an email, J.A. Brenda will know me because of a couple of personal details I left out of the public version, that I put in hers.

    Blessings —Anon 3

  32. Nicholas: I followed that story even before Wartburgs covered it and was disgusted. I don’t know if the word “disgust” even covers it well. What a sad sad story.

    Anonymous: A Solitary Journey has been added to my blogroll and I will add the link to my resource page. Thank you!

  33. Sarah,

    As a child I was used in pornography. Even after all these years, I am still afraid and ill at the thought that those pictures and movies could still exist. While I am intolerant of men who view child pornography, it has never crossed my mind that anyone but the offenders, profiteers and viewers were at fault. You are a co-victim.

    Sarah, in a very real way I am the child in the video you inadvertently saw and I forgive you. I love and I honor you because your heart was kind enough to be broken when you saw my pain; broken to the point of agony, sleeplessness and numbing with alcohol. You were a witness to my abuse and you were the only one who was broken over me. You were Christ to me. This is what speaks to me the most about who you really are. Thank you! I thank God someone cared.

    Please be kind to yourself. Don’t let his choices hurt you anymore. Together we can take that power away from him.

  34. Falene,

    Your words to Sarah are so powerful. I am so, so sorry to hear that you – your beautiful precious body – was trampled upon as a child and used for someone else’s sick pleasure.

    Through your painful experience, you have freely reached out to give words of truth and grace to a stranger who is struggling. I have no doubt that more than just Sarah will read your words and be comforted by your honesty, vulnerability, and love.

    Thank you, Falene

  35. Dear Falene and Sarah,

    Falene, your words brought tears to my eyes; I am so very sorry for the pain you experienced as a child victim. As the former spouse of a pedophile, I love the grace that is dripping from your comments–they are amazing and reflect the personal healing you must have experienced. Thank you for reaching out and for offering forgiveness to those of us who are still repulsed by the behavior of the men we married.

    Sarah, it does get better but reach out for help. Don’t walk this alone. Find a therapist who is skilled at working with the partners of pedophiles. A Certified Sex Addiction Therapist may be a good place to start (http://www.iitap.com/promote-your-services/sex-therapist-directory). The most difficult person you will ever be called upon to forgive is yourself. You are not responsible for your spouse’s behavior–you did not cause it, did not want it and can not cure it. But I know the pain you feel; I truly do.

    I would be happy to email you directly, if you want. You can find my email address on my blog (http://brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com/)

    Blessings,
    Brenda

  36. Brenda, Thank you so much for response. I’ve noticed that some of the most compassionate people doing ministry work are also the same ones who have suffered greatly. I love how God is using you to restore what the locust has eaten. I’ve added your blog to my blog-roll on the sidebar. I hope many are benefitted by your support and care.

  37. I am so glad I found this site, it may be the end of this long hard road and I feel so alone in this.
    A year ago, my husband took a shotgun and tried to kill himself, but I was in a quandary as to why. I prayed to Jesus that if he lived, I would follow Jesus all the remaining days of my life. He lived and over the course of the following year, Jesus showed who the man I have been married to is. In jail he was “diagnosed” as a depressed alcoholic. They gave him antidepressants, which made him bolder.

    He was again arrested over winter and I started to look through his hard drives. Thank God I have propranolol cause I was sick for days. I also noticed he had erased many files. I told him while he was in jail, that I had handed his hard drives to police and oddly, after he got out and came over to get his clothes on the way to a halfway house, that was the only thing he asked me about (claiming he didn’t want to be arrested for software he had on it). I know different as I pieced it all together as Jesus revealed it to me. First, it made me so sick and angry, then I started hoping there was help for him. Why would I feel sorry for a pedophile? Because they are that way because of things that happened to them under sad circumstances in their childhood….

    Yes, I went through with a divorce over the last year, but it is still so hard. I hate his mother for making him who and what he is (she fits the profile of a pedophile mother 99%).
    And he called me last week after he illegally left the halfway house threatening suicide again.

    He pulls the rug out from under me emotionally every time I think there is hope for his healing.. And today, I am praying for just another day for him on this earth to find Jesus, wherever he is.

  38. Dear I Need Out of this Nightmare!

    I am so sorry for the pain and devastation that you have experienced. I know from personal experience how much this hurts and how confusing it is. But you are not alone! You did not cause your ex-husband’s pedophilia, you cannot control it nor cure it. I have learned to detach with love and compassion but to detach nonetheless. And I have also learned after my own nightmare to lay down the burdens that are not intended for me to carry. Your ex-husband is responsible before God for his actions and for the condition of his soul. This is not yours to fix.

    Please, be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself and let him go. Pedophiles are some of the most manipulative people on the planet–threatening suicide is not uncommon. Don’t let him have any more of your life and don’t let him have any more power to pull the rug out from under you. You got him out of your life–that was good! Now, invite him to stay out.

    Blessings

  39. INeedOutofThisNighmare!

    I’m so glad you found this article and that Brenda has been able to reach out to you. I don’t think I could add more than Brenda has sad and she’s one who truly understands your pain. I think she is absolutely right about laying down burdens that you are not intended to carry. Let God carry that for you.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please feel free to come back if you need a safe place to share.

    ~Julie Anne

  40. INeedOutOfTheNightmare,

    I wish a professional had told me 25 years ago that “there is nothing in the academic literature that indicates that pedophilia can be cured.” I didn’t learn that until 9 years after I asked my husband to leave and filed for divorce. I could have saved a lot of pain and grief if I had known the truth and gotten out earlier.

    Like your husband, my ex-husband also threatened suicide. He was examined by a forensic psychologist and was called “bright and manipulative.” I am glad I didn’t allow myself to get sucked in again. It was hard to walk away from the marriage. I had many second thoughts because pedophiles undermine your confidence and convince you that you cannot make it on your own. It’s all part of the lies they tell. Yet we have accepted the lies as truth for so long, it’s hard to break free.

    When I ended my marriage, a terrible burden lifted off my shoulders. I felt free from his power to damage our lives and our reputations.

    I’m glad you found us. Keep talking! Keep sharing your thoughts!

    -Anon 3

  41. Pingback: Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles | Speakingtruthinlove's Blog

  42. Dear Julie, I have not read what happened to you, just got in to see if there are others like me out there feeling sick and alone. I can’t give any words but shock at what I faced when detectives arrived at the door, he told me this stuff and as it was unbelievable I believed him. then 7 weeks ago he was delivered a parcel of papers, that were avadavat of peoples testom’ys
    I grabbed them and drove to the news agent and photo copied them to read, was not horrified, so much so, that I could have killed him myself,???? and he ran to the aboriginals presuming they would help. Then last month he went on the run and was caught and taken to another state to be charged with raping his daughter and my son, plus he had a list a mile long. so here I am now alone, having lost all material belongings and living in a shelter. sadly the church we once went to said it was my place to accept all the abuse dished out to me, So I have already been judged by said Christians, and feel so bad,
    I do not know what life there is for me. I did not know I got married, having been in a critical accident, I have never known life with out pain till, now, having a fantastic doctor, who has taken time to look at me fully, I have pain medication and injections and they have helped so much. reading my Sons and friends statements they say he DRUGGED ME, so this is also why my memory is affected. I just blamed my head injuries. Every one I know has been avoiding me, or they too are still in shock, and I feel so alone. I do have a new lap top but I don’t know really how to use it, and went on an inspirational sight and have 1,000 beautiful quotes but now I can’t get mail.
    I am in Australia, and will read your story later.
    My day has gone, I have to go to the Doctor, and don’t have any strength, is this SHOCK? Thank you to all the letters I have read, Love Queeney
    For 30years he never had a car licence or put in tax statements

  43. Dear Queeney,

    You are not alone. There are many of us who have experienced the horror of discovering that our spouse was a child molester; and that all of his claims about getting help, and/or his efforts to minimize the situation were simply lies.

    I hope you have already shared the story you wrote here with your doctor. He/she sounds like a caring person.

    Your friends are avoiding you because they don’t know what to say. That is very normal. They are afraid that talking about it will cause you more pain. But in reality, talking about it will actually take away the pain over time.

    It’s important that you tell them what happened as soon as your doctor gives you the okay. When your friends come to see you, tell them 2-3 sentences just so they know it’s okay to discuss it. Then wait. If they want to know more, they will ask. (But not everyone can handle this topic, so ask your doctor for a referral to a support group or to an S-Anon group.)

    Breaking the silence is very important. The more you tell your story, the better off you will be. The other thing you need to do is to make sure your son and your husband’s daughter are getting help from someone who specializes in caring for sexual abuse victims. Ask your doctor for an expert.

    How old is your son? And the daughter?

    You asked if you are in shock. If the detectives came to your door 7 weeks ago, then, yes, you might still be in shock. For me the numbness lasted for 6 months. I could barely function. I had nothing to give. For the most part I stayed in bed when I wasn’t working to keep a roof over our heads.

    God cares about you, Queeney. He loves you and your son and your husband’s daughter (yes, and even your husband) and he will see you through this tragedy if you reach out to him. Even if you have little or no faith right now, God will understand.

    Allow yourself at least a year to get through the worst of this. Please get out of this marriage. Pedophiles have an extremely high recidivism rate. And there is nothing in the literature that suggests that pedophiles can ever be cured.

    In several months, I believe you will see some hope and the prospect of a new future. Until then just hang onto Jesus. He’s hanging onto you!

    –Anon 3

  44. Dear Queeney,

    I am so very sorry for all that you have been through–I do understand the shock and trauma that having detectives show up at your door brings. And I understand the incredible difficulty well-meaning friends and Christians have in understanding the trauma. As mentioned by Anon 3, most people are very uncomfortable talking about child molestation or pedophilia–especially Christians. I think it has something to do with their own feeling of vulnerability. If you or I could marry a pedophile without knowing–if tragedy and trauma can visit us, then who is safe? Right?

    You are not alone. Unfortunately there are far too many of us. If you want to read more of my story, click on my name–it will take you to my blog. My email address is listed on the blog and I welcome you to contact me directly. I want you to know that there is hope and healing for you and your children. I want you to know that one day you will be so happy that you got out–that this evil was exposed in your home. It hurts like hell right now but it does get better.

    I found great healing and help by going to S-Anon–it is a program for family members affected by the sex addiction or compulsion of another. Pedophilia may be a trigger for some in S-Anon but I have found such gracious, compassionate and accepting people. They have been my sanity in the 17 months since my door was broken down by the police executing a raid due to my ex-husband’s criminal behavior. By all means, reach out for help. This is too great to navigate on your own and recognize that not all help offered is good help.

    Please reach out–we are here to help.
    Brenda

  45. It has been just over a year since I turned my husband in. I was deceived and manipulated and lied to for so many years. I had no idea that my husband was actually molesting little girls. As soon as I found out, I had to turn him in. I had to stop the abuse. He knew the struggle I went through as a child. I was abused by the neighbour. My husband rescued me from a painful situation. I trusted him and we were married a long time. He is in jail now. I have forgiven him.(forgiveness does not mean I condone his actions) I know he too was a victim of abuse but I also know the chances of healing are remote. It is so tough. Somewhere inside there is a hurting little boy and it breaks my heart. I still have compassion. I am getting a divorce. I could never stay married to him. My problem is that I wonder what God wants me to do. The man is 67 and not well, he has a bad heart and is helpless on his own. His family has all abandoned him. How do I turn off this compassionate heart? I really want nothing to do with him. Should I quit taking his calls? He hurt me, should I hurt him back by returning his letters? Is that what God would have me do?

  46. Dear Lily,
    I hear you and I affirm that they pain you are experiencing is real and is so tough. It is hard, as women who were unfortunate enough to marry a pedophile, to turn off the compassion and love we feel for these wounded men. But we have value as well. I’m glad you are getting out–that you care enough about yourself to get out of a difficult relationship. You are not called to be the sacrificial lamb for your husband–it is not your job to “fix” him or even to take his calls, if you do not want to.

    My ex is facing the possibility of a prison term, although not nearly as long as what he could have faced. Sometimes I still find myself worrying about him–how he will fare in prison, what will become of him. But I have to remind myself that he cared very little for me or my children when he became embroiled in his criminal activity; he certainly cared very little for the children he has harmed. I am having to face the difficult truth that he really cares very little for anyone other than himself. That is a harsh thing to say but I am learning each day just how true it is.

    I am learning that it is my responsibility to care for the little girl in me as well as for the grown woman that I am becoming who has been betrayed every day of a 33 year marriage. It is time to put the oxygen mask on myself and take the steps to take back the narrative of my life, to rediscover who I am and what I value. I can no longer help him–he is at the mercy of the criminal justice system and I am finding real freedom in no longer being responsible.

    It is said that Harriet Tubman encouraged the slaves she was leading to freedom to keep running no matter what happened. “If you hear the dogs, keep going. If you see the torches in the woods, keep going. If they’re shouting after you, keep going. Don’t ever stop. Keep going. If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.” Extricating one’s self from a relationship with a pedophile is difficult but freedom is so worth the effort. You, my dear Lily, are worth the effort. Keep running towards freedom. It is pretty amazing out here!

    Holding you gently in prayer,
    Brenda

  47. Lily: Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your story. It is heartbreaking. I agree with Brenda. You have spent many years being married to a fraud. You had to discover the unthinkable and do the unthinkable, making yourself so vulnerable and alone. He was thinking of himself the whole time and you were trying to be a good wife. I don’t have all the answers, but it seems that continuing with a relationship with him is opening you up to more manipulation, perhaps more emotional confusion. I do not believe that is where God would want nor expect you to be. You have such a caring heart and that is commendable. But I think God is big enough and the Body of Christ is big enough to care for him and relieve you of this burden.

    You may have read in the comments that there is a private forum and bulletin board dedicated to this topic. You are welcome to join and discuss this further (or you are always welcome to continue the discussion here). If interested, please send e-mail to spiritualsbforum@ gmail dot com

    ~Julie Anne

  48. After reading this thread I am praying that each one here will know her true value. I don’t know what it is but once you realize your value and put up serious boundaries one can begin to move forward in small steps. This is easy to say on a blog post. hard to do in real life, I know. I hate empty platitudes so I will focus on your value because that is a truth I cannot say enough! YOU did not do the evil. They did..

    Brenda said this:
    “But I have to remind myself that he cared very little for me or my children when he became embroiled in his criminal activity; he certainly cared very little for the children he has harmed. I am having to face the difficult truth that he really cares very little for anyone other than himself. That is a harsh thing to say but I am learning each day just how true it is.”

    Brenda, That is not harsh at all, sweetie! that is truth!. It is realization of you and your children’s value. Anyone who thinks you “owe” him anything is thinking backwards. Facing up to the truth about his choices is important. He does not define your value. Only God does that. I tell my children all the time they get their worth and value from God. I pray it is drilled into their heads!

    Praying for each one here.

  49. Thank you, Lydiasellerofpurple. I was finishing up a post on my blog when your comment came through: http://brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-second-year-sinkhole.html

    Recovery really is about seeing ourselves through our own eyes as well as learning how God really sees us. So much of life with a pedophile is based on deception and blame and often God is used to bolster the blame. So learning to see self as He sees me is tricky but so important to healing. Learning to truly understand that I am loved and valued and that God does not hold me responsible is huge. It is easy to get it cognitively but much harder to live loved. But I am growing and healing and I am so grateful for this journey. I am grateful for truth, as brutal as it has been. It is ultimately freeing to live in truth instead of the deception, manipulation and blame.

    Thank you for your prayers and affirmation–I know I speak for all partners of pedophiles when I say that it is like a healing balm to a bruised and bloodied soul.

    Brenda

  50. Dear Lily,

    Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you too. We ex-wives of pedophiles know exactly what you are describing. Our sympathy for the damage done to our ex-husbands in their childhood is good, but our stubborn desire to fix them is naive and misguided. Even Jesus let people go their own way.

    We have to realize that they incapable of true self-giving love and emotional closeness, even when they’ve felt the full weight of the legal system. They are narcissists at least and probably sociopaths, and they don’t feel empathy or gratitude the way normal people do. It has to be faked.

    I’m shocked that more than a decade later, to discover that my ex-husband blames ME for the divorce. More than once I’ve had to tell him, “I have never forgotten the reason for this divorce.” Pedophiles live in so much denial and so much self-focus they cannot see the truth and probably never can. The years we invested in their lives, loving them and being good to them, proved that some things cannot be healed in this lifetime. These men are not longer our responsibility. We release them into God’s capable hands.

    I agree with Brenda, that you should focus on getting well yourself and moving on in life. Let your ex feel the aloneness and desperation. That’s the only thing that will drive him to Christ at the deepest possible level.

    Find the joy of being free from a person who doesn’t care if he destroys your reputation. Accept the fact that you aren’t important to him other than as a comfort item. He really doesn’t care about you or what makes you happy and safe. That’s a hard thing to say, and a hard thing to accept.

    —-

    As I stopped and reread the paragraphs above, I found myself thinking they come across harsh, but the truth is only a very sweet loving codependent woman marries a pedophile. And we have to learn to have better boundaries both with them and with other people. Staying away from our exes helps us do that.

    -Anon 3

  51. Deep down I know what you are saying is true. I tend to see the world through rose-coloured glasses. I always look for the best in people, I tend to try and help the underdog. I have been hurt many times by the people I have tried to help. I have a lot of healing to do.
    I know I have been lied to, manipulated and used. Yet my heart is still filled with compassion. I pray that I will be able to release this tie that has me bound to him.

  52. Lily, there’s nothing wrong with compassion. I do feel sorry for my ex at a deep level, but it’s more of a “sorrow” than a “let’s fix this.”

    Jesus cried over Jerusalem, “…How often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.”

    My ex hasn’t been willing to be completely fixed, not even by court-appointed sex offender programs. According to the county program director, my ex is considered a treatment failure.

    But he has been a slightly better person (or so it appears) since I asked him to leave. Not by much, but perhaps a 10% improvement over the past few years. For example, while I was willing to be his wife, he was irresponsible, especially in job performance. But once he was forced to face financial destitution he became a better employee.

    But the problem is that pedophiles (and other narcissists) will only do what they are forced to do. Your ex will not benefit by your compassion. He will use it, but he will not grow from it. That’s why we have to let them go, and stay out of their lives. This is the tough challenge of the 2nd year of breaking free: to learn to stop getting engaged with them and their concerns. We can give 5 seconds of sympathy but leave the responsibility to fix things in their hands.

    Instead, I’d recommend that you read good books on codependency and the abuse cycle (honeymoon phase–agitation–violence), do a lot of journaling, and find friends who have better boundaries than you do and meet with them regularly.

    People say I’m pretty tough now, but I put up with bad behavior for years. And truth be told, I still am extremely generous and compassionate. I just have better boundaries.

    -Anon 3

  53. Dear Lily,

    Taking off the rose-colored glasses is perhaps one of the most difficult things we are tasked with doing. And when we feel compassion or empathy for another, we are expressing God’s heart. The problem is that we often feel so much compassion for the pedophile in our lives that we fail to offer compassion to ourselves. We have value–we are worthy of love, respect, belonging, compassion and honesty. We do not get that from our narcissistic pedophile spouse but we can offer it to ourselves. But we have to take off the rose-colored glasses to do it.

    I found that reading of others’ experience was so helpful to me during the weeks after my world exploded. One of the best resources (and you can find a list of them on my blog) is the Steffens and Means book, “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse.” It doesn’t deal with pedophilia, per se, but the emphasis on the trauma we have experienced is significant, especially for partners of pedophiles. Another very helpful and enlightening book for me is “Betrayal Bonds” by Patrick Carnes. It helped me understand why I was so bonded to my ex and why it was so hard to take the rose-colored glasses off. Think “Stockholm Syndrome” and you have the gist of Dr. Carnes’ book. The third one I highly recommend is Pat Wiklund’s book “Married to a Pedophile.” It is an old book but her experience more closely mirrors ours.

    Another helpful thing for me has been participation in an S-Anon group. S-Anon is a family support group in the 12-step tradition of recovery for family members of those impacted by a sexual addiction or compulsion. Again as partners of pedophiles, our experience is a bit different but overall the support and validation I have received is priceless, particularly with the difficulty with rose-colored glasses.

    Recovery from this is hard and will take the rest of our lives–we didn’t get here overnight. But I can tell you that it is so worth it and that you are not alone. What you are experiencing is common and normal. You are worth the hard work of recovery. I had a neat experience yesterday in reflecting on my own journey–it was realizing that what I sense in my core now is pure gold–I feel like pure gold–I really do. I know that the crucible of suffering is bringing out my true and deep self and transforming me more and more into the person I truly am–God’s beloved and cherished child.

    Keep Walking my Friend,
    Brenda

  54. Pingback: Financial Ramifications of Abuse: What’s a Church to Do?C | Spiritual Sounding Board

  55. I really need help. I stay with my husband to prevent him from going after very young girls. I don’t want my kids to find out. He is the only income but now that our youngest started school I am getting a job. I want out. I need to do this right for my children. Please help me with advice!

  56. You should consider going to the authorities if you have information that he has had sex with a person under the age limit in the state where it occurred. Typically that age is 16 or 17, most often 17. As in someone before their 17th birthday. You should also get in touch with the Family Abuse or Domestic Abuse hotline and get some instruction on how to leave and begin making arrangements to leave. They may also refer you to a local attorney to help you prepare. There are two routes — if he has had sex with someone underage and they or their parent is willing to file charges, then he can be locked up and bail will be set. If you have access to the bank information and are on the accounts, you can ensure that he does not get bailed out, file for a protective order, and remain where you are. But other friends/family/employer may be willing to go the bail. Otherwise, you can leave and take information, especially financial information with you, as well as whatever financial resources you can muster, as well as the children.

    Do not do nothing. If he is violating underage girls, and you are aware of it, and do nothing, you may have a criminal liability.

  57. Kristy: You are in such a challenging situation. I’m so sorry to hear this. I’d like to invite you to join the Spiritual Sounding Board private forum. There is a special board just for wives of pedophiles at the forum and you can interact with wives who have walked in your shoes and they will offer support to you. Please contact spiritualsbforum@gmail.com and ask to join.

  58. Kristy, I feel for you. It’s got to be tough. Listen to “An Attorney.” I had young children too, in fact, one not yet in school. I got out. I made it — and now my children and I are very happy. We are free from the tension of living with a child molester. You really need to get out before you end up on the front page of the newspaper or facing legal action.

    Here’s the secret to dealing with your kids:
    Your children will find out the truth some day. When mine were little, I told them I would tell the entire truth when they turned 21. I am so glad I handled it this way. I never had to lie to them. I simply said, “I cannot tell you the entire story now, but I will tell you everything and answer every question when you turn 21.”

    When they grew up they asked me to tell them the story, and they were able to handle it just fine. Both are well-adjusted, emotionally stable, devoutly Christian, and both went to college. They are happy adults despite everything that happened to us when they were little.

    Your husband has made you believe you cannot live without him… that you cannot make it on your own. That’s what these men do. They are very good at it. Don’t believe him.

    I remember when I too felt I was capable of protecting others by my constant vigilance. And, boy, was I vigilant, but I couldn’t be awake 24 hours a day. I did have to sleep, and occasionally I had to run out for groceries or to do errands.

    My husband was on the prowl far more than I ever knew. (I didn’t find out about the number of victims until many years after the divorce.)

    The legal system and your friends and your neighbors expect you to stand on the right side: Protecting them and protecting society. I had to get my ex-husband out of my home, and away from my neighbors, our friends and our church.

    Please start making a 90-day escape plan. Make a list of everything you will need: a separate cell phone, a separate bank account, petty cash, private mail box, safe friends who understand, credit cards in your name, photocopies of bills, insurance policies, wills, trusts, SSNs, bank account numbers, passwords, etc. If you call the banks and cell phone company and say you are in an abusive environment (which you are), they will give you special help.

    God will take care of you. My first year was scary. I had no idea how I would support myself and my little children, but God was faithful. We paid every bill. We spent a lot of time on our knees in prayer, and all of our needs were met. We were able to stay in our house. The court system forced my ex-husband to pay child support. That gave me enough time to start making more money and get free from his influence and control.

    Bless you, Kristy. I’m praying for you … that God will give you the strength and courage to leave at the proper time. He knows exactly what you need. There will be a day when you know it is time for you to end the marriage. Start asking around for the name of a good family law attorney. Don’t let the fees scare you. They will let you pay over time. It’s worth it to protect your children.

  59. Dear Kristy,

    I have been waiting all day until I could get home to write a response to your posting. I hope you have come back to read the responses. An attorney is right (and thank you Mr. Attorney for stepping up to the plate and offering sound, legal and free advice). You are in jeopardy legally and need to get out as soon as you can. A domestic violence shelter will help you create a safety plan as well as alert the authorities to your husband’s activities. Their services are almost always free.

    Please come on over to the private forum so we can help–you do not have to walk this alone. There are those of us who have experienced the same thing and we are eager to help you through this most devastating experience. You and your children are so worth whatever fight you face–as well as other innocent children who might become your husband’s victims.

    We are rooting for you!

    Brenda

  60. Pray for this pastor’s wife. We don’t know if she left or not, but with 4 children, she needs compassion and care and assurance that God will give her strength to do the right thing.

    I completely understand why wives stay. They really believed that God would heal their husband and honor their faith. They believed their love would fill in the gaps from his childhood. They believed that God hates divorce and that they would be “giving up” if they didn’t keep trying. In many cases, they fear they could never support their children alone without his income.

    But the truth is that nothing in the academic literature indicates that pedophilia ever goes away. And many of us left and are making it on our own.

    Also, as several people shared on this thread and the earlier thread, being raised in a home with a pedophile is worse than being raised by a single mother.

    See also Patrice’s comment in the earlier thread: http://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2013/05/14/second-amended-complaint-against-sovereign-grace-ministries-filed-today/#comment-18823

    Here’s the story of Brent Girouex of Victory Fellowship in Council Bluffs, IA –
    http://www.addictinginfo.org/2013/09/11/iowa-youth-pastor-rapes-boys-to-cure-them-of-homosexuality-wont-spend-one-day-in-prison/

    If you cannot be compassionate to her, please don’t write to her. If you’re just angry, write to the judge’s office at:

    Judge Greg Steensland
    318 Leroy Street #6
    Audubon, IA 50025

    AND

    District Court Administrator, Kent Wirth
    227 S. 6th St. 4th Floor, Room 413
    Pottawattamie County Courthouse
    Council Bluffs, IA 51501
    (712) 328-5733

  61. The article linked to in Anon 3′s previous post further links to:

    http://tinyurl.com/nxnk4e4

    from which (on the second page) it appears that, in addition to justice being denied to victims of a pedophile youth pastor, the courts are also, so far, giving the offender access to his children.

  62. Thank you, Gary W, for filling in the missing information. Apparently Erin is filing for divorce:

    “Erin Girouex is filing for divorce, but the hang-up is that her husband wants to see their children.”

    Read more: http://www.kcci.com/Wife-Condemns-Youth-Pastor-In-Sex-Crimes-Case/-/9357770/10378560/-/ssumk7z/-/index.html#ixzz2etkthn2M

    MY NOTE TO ERIN —
    Dear Erin Girouex,
    In case you are reading this, I am really proud of you for standing for the victims and doing the right thing. I know how hard it is, especially when your husband showed no signs of having problems earlier.

    I would recommend you insist on monitored visitation, if any visitation at all, and that the monitors be court-appointed (none of his relatives or friends).

    This is what I did. It allowed my children to get whatever love their dad did have for them, and my children can never accuse me of preventing them from seeing their dad. Today, more than a decade later, my kids are grateful that I did this….and even my attorney said, “You did an amazing job walking the line between protecting your children and allowing them to see their dad.”

    Best wishes. I’m praying for you and your dear ones and the victims (and even your husband) today. I promise that you will find happiness again. God is holding you all in his arms.

    -Anon 3

  63. Argh! Brent’s mother is the monitor? Are you kidding? That’s not good.

    Why?

    Because even if she’s sympathetic to the victims today, within a year or two that might change. Blood is thicker than water, and often the family members of pedophiles change their tune. They see that their son has no chance of ever being employed again and that this will haunt him forever, so they look for ways of blaming the wife and turning the tables. They turn the child molester into the victim. It’s horrifying to see this happen. It happened to me. Lie, lies, lies. Just watch and wait. That’s my prediction.

  64. Oh, this just breaks my heart. Thank you for bringing it to our attention, Anon 3. Did you mail your letter? If so, can you share the address via my private email?

    Patriarchy and abuse exist in so many “hallowed halls” of our society–even and maybe especially in courthouses. If this had been a female perpetrator, she would have had the book thrown at her. Just makes me so angry. I have worked with incarcerated women looking at long sentences simply because they stayed in abusive marriages–not that they abused or hurt anyone but they simply stayed. And this guy gets off? Give me a break.

  65. Brenda, I sent a letter to her via the judge. You might try the court administrator. Maybe he’ll forward it.

    Apparently he’ll go through a sex offender program, but we know there’s nothing in the literature that indicates that pedophilia goes away.

  66. I like the idea of beginning a petition online but I guess as a former partner, I would want to get Erin’s feelings on it. She is feeling pretty powerless right now with all that she is going through and I wouldn’t want to add to the trauma for her and her children. It is right to address this but I question the timing. Maybe we several of us should reach out to her as Anon 3 has and get an idea for where she is at.

    Just my 2 cents worth.

  67. I’m slow on the uptake here, but I wonder how the perp’s former church is treating Erin and her children. My guess is the church doesn’t even see the issue. One would like to think that the church would respond with compassion if somebody were to nudge them. But maybe such a nudging should be attempted only with Erin’s consent? Those of you who have been in the situation would know better than I.

  68. Gary W, I love your heart, I really do. I suspect that the church is simply wiping their hands of the entire family but then that opinion stems from my own experience. We can hope that this church is helping her. I do believe the church is probably gun-shy about any further media exposure. If they are treating Erin and her children compassionately, they may stop if they feel threatened. I am wondering if a letter to the church expressing sorrow for what they have experienced and positively encourage them to make all victims of their former pastor perpetrator their top priority, including his secondary victims.

    What would you think of sending one letter on behalf of all of us here at SSB? JA, can you weigh in on this. I would love to sign off on a letter like that and I think it would communicate that we are here and that we are watching. And, it may carry more punch than a bunch of single letters.

  69. Brenda, my brain was stewing with ideas. I’d be happy to use the blog to facilitate something along those lines. Let’s brainstorm. I’m at praise and worship practice and so will be in and out until church is over.

  70. So true, Brenda. I would also like to extend an invitation to her to the forum where there is a board set up specifically for wives of pedophiles for support.

  71. Yeah, I thought about that, JA and almost included it in my letter. But I gave her my personal phone number instead. I am afraid that we might compromise the security of the private forum if we issue a public invitation? Is that an issue?

  72. I emailed to join the private forum. He threatens to kill me if I talk and my children have no one except me. I alienated everyone so he couldn’t prey upon their daughters. I don’t want to end up in the paper or jail! I haven’t done anything wrong! I’m scared, broke and alone. I need help, any help, prayers, please!

  73. Oh Kristy,

    I am so glad you came back. I have been praying for you and your children and so hoped that you would come back and see the comments. I know you are scared, broke and alone but we are here to help. Julie Anne will be getting you the private forum information as soon as possible and we will give you points on how to clear your browsing history, etc. to keep yourself safe.

    Sweet friend, you are not alone and this is not your fault. Repeat that after me and say it as many times a day as you need to. You are not alone; this is not your fault. I look forward to “talking” to you on the private forum.

  74. Thank you soooo much. I can’t believe that this is my life. I feel God is punishing me and I don’t why. I don’t know what sin deserved this kind of hell and why children had to be involved. I’m so angry and devastated and feeling hopeless.

  75. Honey, God is not punishing you—He is weeping with and for you. Think about your sweet children and all that you have done to protect them and to demonstrate love to them, and the frustration you sometimes feel because you are limited in your expressions of love. That is how He feels about you and more. The problem of evil in the world and what God’s position towards it the great debate theologians engage in. But in the here-and-now, marriage to a pedophile is not God’s punishment of you. You were deceived by a master manipulator. Could God have intervened? Yes, but He would have to violate the free will that he gave when he created us.

    Take a look at my blog, particularly the posting on Grooming (click on my blue name). It may help you understand how you were targeted, tested and manipulated by your husband. You never saw it coming and neither did a lot of us. These guys are masters at deception. And anger–good for you! It is just and righteous to be angry about the things that God is angry about. And exploitation and abuse anger him like nothing else.

    I know you feel hopeless now–you cannot find a good and safe solution to the huge problem you are living in. You have children that you need to protect, your own and others. It is a huge problem and you are isolated, living in fear and secrecy. I, too lived in those states for decades. It is not a good place to live. There is hope, life and freedom for you and your children but it will involve a struggle. But my experience has been that the struggle to freedom is not nearly as costly and difficult as living in isolation. Is the struggle brutal? YES. Is it worth it? YES because you (and I) are worth it.

  76. -
    Dear Kristy,
    We’re glad you’re back. You’ve got our prayers. Brenda and I were also in dire straights financially when we divorced our pedophile husbands. In my case, I had no idea how I would put food on the table. But God was good and he always has provided. Today we’re happy and financial stable.

    God is not punishing you. There’s nothing you did to start your husband’s criminal behavior and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Many of us lived exemplary perfect-Christian-girl lives and still ended up married to a pedophile. It has nothing to do with your past sins. We all are sinners. God loves sinners; it’s the only kind of person who exists.

    Pray now for the courage and strength and ask God for his timing on leaving. The Lord will let you know when your should go. In the meantime look at the Focus Ministries website and find the checklist of items to gather. Or download their checklist here: http://www.focusministries1.org/articles/DevelopingASafetyPlan.pdf

    Kristy, I don’t know what state you’re in, but domestic violence victims (and you are one) in many states are usually offered food, clothing, and shelter until you can get back of your feet. They will also hide you and keep you protected from your husband.

    Your husband is threatening you because HE KNOWS you are capable of leaving and you are capable of making it on your own. He doesn’t want YOU to know it.

    We’ll keep praying for you. You can get out. We did. And our lives — even though they were tough for the first year or so — got so much better. It’s wonderful to live without the fear and the tension in a pedophile home.

    And your children will be much better off. Don’t believe people who say that divorce will destroy your children’s life. The truth is that the trauma for them doesn’t last as long as it does for the wife.

    You don’t have to take my word on it. Rutgers University did a study on how divorce affects parents vs. the kids. Kids do much better than the media tells us.
    Do a search to find this PowerPoint — the slides about children and divorce are near the end. It’s called Marital Status and Mental Health. Search terms: Rutgers OCT_31_MARITALSTATUS.ppt

    We know how hard this is for you. We are sympathetic. We walked in your shoes for many years. God wants to rescue you and your kids, but you will have to make a blind leap of faith. He’s right there to catch you!

    - Anon 3

  77. Gary W and Brenda,

    I don’t know what Erin’s church is doing, but the pastor did acknowledge the problem publicly and quickly, which is a big improvement over the evil pastors and so-called Christian leaders who are involved in the alleged Sovereign Grace Ministries and Covenant Life School child sexual abuse / pedophile ring that is allegedly still being covered up 25 years later.

    The big question: Does Erin feel loved and cared for by God and supported by the community of believers surrounding her?

    People can make it through anything if they’ve got at least one friend who cares deeply and prays with them.

    - Anon 3

  78. Kristy: I don’t have much more to add beyond what Brenda and Anon3 have so beautifully said. I just want you to know that I support you 100% and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Please tap into the wisdom of these 2 ladies who have walked in your shoes. You don’t need to do this alone. If you want some virtual hand-holding, this community would be happy to do that for you and most importantly, to pray for you. ~Julie Anne

  79. Pingback: Restoring What the Locust Has Eaten: Two Years of Blogging Milestone Today and Gratefulness | Spiritual Sounding Board

  80. Diane M Waltman‎Jesus Changed My Life

    I was sexually, mentally, emotionally and verbally abused by my grandfather as far back as I can remember. He did many terrible things, some of which are too distasteful for me to talk about publicly. I want to share my testimony, because so many people have been hurt, and they need to realize that someone has made it through their struggles so they can have hope. More than anything, I want you to know and really understand that anyone who has been abused can fully recover if they will give their life completely to the Lord…It may seem impossible, but God’s truth has set me free from a life of pretense and lies and has restored my soul. I am living proof that nothing is too hard for God. No matter what you’ve been through or how bad you’ve been hurt, there is hope!

    **Mod removed advertisement.

  81. In August of 2013 I found out that my husband was being investigated for child porn … I am very sad all the time and reading about other women suffering from the same thing is only making me feel more depressed that there are so many men that are doing this to innocent women like me. I want to look into therapy because so many post suggest it and they say it helps. I cry almost everyday and I am trying to get through a divorce. I have a daughter with him who thankfully wasn’t abused but makes the decision to leave him harder in some ways which I am sure you understand. I had to leave the state he was in to live with my family and it has been a very difficult adjustment. I pray everyday for strength to get through this hard time and God has been great to me my whole life and ultimately is the reason I was able to leave my husband after seven years of marriage. I am only in my late 20′s and feel like my life is over sometimes and like I won’t ever be able to love or trust another man again. I have been betrayed before but never at this level. Our relationship was rocky from the beginning and always knew something was wrong but I never would have imagined that I would wake up to Police Investigators at my door for a full search and confiscation of so many things that would be considered evidence. I felt so stupid that I didn’t know this was going on. How could you live with a person and not know that they look at child porn. He cheated on me several times and I was trying to work together to fix our marriage but when I found out about the child pornography I was not able to look at him or think about him in any other way than a monster. I wanted him no where near my daughter and no where near me. Please keep me in your prayers and I am open to any sort of advice that you may have for me. I love that you make your self available to woman that are suffering in the same way that I am. Thank you in advance. Lillian

  82. Oh, Lillian,

    I am so very sorry for your pain–and it is quite familiar to me. The prosecutor in my ex-husband’s case said this week in court that she felt sure very few people knew who the real Joe Smith was. I would have corrected her had I been there to say that no one knew who he was. Pedophiles are very, very skilled at deception and manipulation–they can fool anyone, even trained therapists, which happened in my case. You are not a fool, just the victim of a very skillful con man.

    It was two years ago today that my ex was arrested for possession of child porn and he now sits in a jail cell waiting for transport to the state prison. He was able to evade and delay his “due process” for two years but in the end, he could not prevent the inevitable. I am here to say that there is life after this–you will hurt and struggle for a while. I won’t lie to you. I still struggle emotionally, spiritually and financially. But you are worth the struggle. Your daughter is worth the struggle. Living free from a man who is a deceiver and a manipulator is quite liberating. It may take a while for you to feel that but there is freedom out here and I love it. I was married for 33 years and lived with a knot in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t even know the knot was there until I was free and realized it was gone.

    Two things you need to know and remember and repeat as your mantra: you did not cause this, you cannot or could not control it and you definitely cannot cure it. Nothing you did or did not do in the bedroom, in the kitchen or anywhere else created this mental illness in your husband. His choices to pursue child pornography were his alone–you bear absolutely no responsibility. Second thing–whatever he is telling you about what he has or is doing, multiple that by at least 1,000. He is only revealing to you a smidgen of what he did or is doing with porn or anything else.

    Find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) who has experience working with partners–this is important because you have been traumatized and need a therapist who is skilled at working with victims of trauma. Also, what has been incredibly helpful for me has been to attend S-Anon groups. You can look online and find information on a local group. S-Anon is a 12-step recovery group for partners of individuals struggling with a sexual addiction or compulsion. I have found the most precious people in the rooms of S-Anon and recovery and hope for me.

    If you want to email me directly, click on my name, which will take you to my blog and you can find my email address. I’m willing to walk this journey out of darkness into the light of recovery with you.

  83. Pingback: Ex-Wife of Pedophile Shares Update about Court Sentencing and Her New Reality | Spiritual Sounding Board

  84. Is there a way we could connect in the near future? My family is in the same crisis and need someone who has been through this. Please help!

  85. Need help and advice: I know it is frightening to reach out but we are a safe place and you can trust Julie. She has my contact number as well as that of Anon3–we would be honored to either talk with you by phone or private email. I’m so happy you are reaching out.

  86. I stayed after the offence for the last 8-9 years………. I’m ending it…….. As of this past week. No one had answers for me through the years, I struggled with the fact that I could love him but yet no, I cannot, my inmost intimate part of being a wife and lover was buried the day I was told by my daughters……. Everything is a mess right now……… I’m glad I found this, thank you for sharing!

  87. joanne6,

    Thank you for stopping by and sharing your very painful story. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.

    If you are interested in connecting with other women who have walked in a similar path, please contact me: spiritualsb@gmail dot com (please be sure to tell me you commented here). ~Julie Anne

  88. Hi Joanne6,
    I’m sorry you are a part of this club that no one willingly signs up to join! I am truly sorry. Being in an intimate relationship with an individual who turns to children for sexual gratification is extremely damaging to our sense of self and of our marriage. Understanding that the man we married was not or is not who he portends to be is quite difficult to comprehend.

    For me, it has required stripping away everything that I believed about my marriage and the man I loved for over 3 decades. He was and is an imposter–nothing about his “persona” is true other than that he is incredibly narcissistic. But even in that, I was fooled.

    We are not alone–these individuals can fool incredibly intelligent and well-trained professionals. They are just that good. WE are glad you are here and please contact Julie about joining the forum.

  89. My husband just got arrested on child pornography charges. I never knew. I am angry sad and beside myself. How could he do this? i am sickened by it. my mind screams RUN one minute and then i feel guilt for not honoring our vows. i have never been through this and dont know what to do

  90. G: He broke those vows by his behavior, so you are effectively free if you choose to act. And he likely will bankrupt the family with his defense costs. If I were you, I would find a divorce attorney and file, protect whatever assets the family has, get child support set (if you have children) as that will be determined by his income now and provide you what is effectively a lien on his tax return from this year (as in the money coming in early 2015), and get possession of as much of the goods as possible. Then, if he gets out of prison in some reasonable time, and you want to get back with him, you can set the terms for that, and if not, you will have a claim on all of his income for child support.

    He has done something that violates every concept of what a married person should do. Get what you can and get out. (P.S., and I hate divorce, but sometimes it is a necessity!)

  91. Hi G: Your response sounds completely appropriate to the reality you are facing. I am so sorry! I’m glad you found this place. Please let us know how we can help you and feel free to contact me about joining the private forum at spiritualsb@gmail dot com (please be sure to tell me you commented here) to meet others.

  92. Dear G,
    I am so sorry that you are experiencing this horror. I understand your shock, anger, fear and loss. I can tell you from experience that An Attorney is giving you very sound, practical and important advice. I am in my mid 50′s, was married to my husband for over three decades and am facing a very uncertain financial future. Now is the time to think “selfishly” for you and for your children–get what you can and get out as quickly as you can.

    I filed for divorce immediately after my ex’s arrest and yet it took 6 months to complete the divorce (waiting period was waived) because of his craziness. Individuals who look at child pornography are mentally ill and from my experience, the arrest and incarceration made a crazy man even crazier.

    I realize that the advice we are giving is probably frightening and you are already overwhelmed. I am perfectly willing to interact with you via email. And if we both are comfortable, we can communicate via telephone. Contact Julie Anne at spiritualsb@gmail dot com. She will provide you with my email address.

    There are many of us who have been right where you are and we are ready to stand with you through the days and months ahead. We will cry with you and we will help you walk through this. I know it is frightening to trust because you have been so bitterly betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust the most. I get that. But we are trustworthy.

    Holding you tenderly,
    Brenda

  93. As I read these responses there of course is info that I did not post, like the fact that I stayed an additional 8 years to no avail of freedom to love my husband as I once did, so we all lived together grew together and yet I myself was done in more moments than the good……………… The girls are moved out, no other offence was committed of course because it was in the light, but that one part of me was dead and buried never to love freely again……… I have a 16 yo son left at home, who really isn’t taking it too well, but I know in time once this gets done, we will be fine. One of the girls as well is coming to the point of taking his side, can you believe it? Yet I talked of forgiveness and people having second chances………. I’m done here as a wife, I actually gave it my best, but do not want to be with this person who killed the most intimate part of the marriage for me……….. Selfish……… Yes I feel a bit, but in the end, it is sad but true consequences of this behaviour, I will join the forum!

  94. RE: The Dottie Sandusky NBC Today Show TV Interview today (3-12-2014)

    Don’t forget what Dr. Judith Herman (Harvard) says about perpetrators…

    “In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator’s first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens. To this end, he marshals an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denials to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization. After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it upon herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on.”

    In my opinion, these women are selected and groomed by their child molester husbands to be blind and mute. Their husbands lie, redefine, and minimize their actions…then blame the victim.

    http://www.pennlive.com/midstate/index.ssf/2014/03/dottie_sandusky_speaks_out_in.html

  95. I tweeted this article earlier today and thought of the ladies here who have dealt with the truth of the horrific crimes their husbands have committed and decided to deal with it head on, making many sacrifices for themselves, their families, some losing all their financial security, wading into the great unknown. You ladies here are the brave ones. I greatly admire your strength and resolve for truth.

  96. I need advice on if there is a law against marrying a man who has changed and wants to be a family. What should I do

  97. Jamie,

    Pedophilia never goes away. There is no law against marrying a sex offender, but it simply isn’t wise. You don’t deserve the kind of hell he will put you through.

    I fasted and prayed for many years for my pedophile husband (now ex-husband). We went to a lot of therapy. We sought a lot of Christian counsel. But nothing worked. My husband was even put into a 30-day treatment program.

    I hoped so much that he would change, but he didn’t. Instead he lied and concealed his behavior even more. Experts call pedophiles “bright and manipulative,” and they are. They are good at appearing to be open and repentant, but sadly there isn’t any change. Just ask the experts.

    Or ask me.

    My ex-husband wanted to molest children more than he wanted a loving and close relationship with me. He used the fact that he was married to lure unsuspecting people into trusting him. People don’t expect child molesters to look like normal happily married men. They are supposed to look like creeps.

    So if you marry him, you will give your man a good cover story to do wrong. And he won’t appreciate you or your love. Your love cannot fix him. Remember Jesus and Judas? Jesus was the most loving Person in history. Judas was one of his special friends who lived, ate, and walked with him for 3 years. But even the great love of Jesus did not “fix” Judas. Judas went the wrong way. In similar fashion, you will not succeed. None of us did.

    I remember the therapist who talked to me after I filed for divorce.
    He said, “The more you love and sacrifice for him, the more he will resent you and push you away.”

    You cannot have a loving and intimate relationship with a pedophile. They aren’t capable of emotional closeness.

    Pray for strength…pray to be released from your interest in him.

    -Anon3

  98. Anon3: I was hoping you would respond. Thank you.

    Jamie, I know, too, from the pedophile in my family that it just does not go away. There may be times where there is less involvement and that might be motivated by true attempts at changing, but the desire is still there and will rear its ugly head in a weak moment. It’s simply not worth the risk. Most pedophiles cannot be honest with themselves, so imagine how this would impact an intimate relationship that is supposed to be built on trust. I hope you take to heart Anon3 words – as difficult as they may be.

  99. Hi Jamie,
    Thank you for stopping by and asking such a critical question. The fact that you are asking tells me you have doubts about marrying this man. Listen to your gut, it has been scientifically proven to pick up on things that the cognitive brain cannot discern. Those of us who spent years married to a pedophile are learning to reconnect with our gut. Our advice, since you asked, is intended to protect you from the grief that we have known and will know until the day we die.

    I understand that you love this guy–they are actually quite loveable in the beginning. They target their victims, including their adult love interest. They study us and learn enough about us to exploit our weaknesses and to shower us with praise and love. Again, they are very convincing and it is easy to fall head over heels in love with them. But there is no cure for pedophilia. It does not go away and even with a strong commitment to recovery, evidenced by working a program daily and being in strong and honest accountability to a therapist, will be a life-long struggle.

    The desire to change does not equal change. When pedophiles are trying to escape the consequences of criminal behavior, or trying to lure another victim into their trap, they are quite convincing in their insistence that they are a changed man, have found God, or no longer struggle. This is what I know from being married to a pedophile for over 3 decades:
    1. Pedophilia was present in every single interaction I had with my spouse–every good and bad moment was overshadowed by its presence. And I didn’t know that anything was overshadowing my life or that it had a name–until I got out of the relationship.
    2. My partner lost interest in me sexually when I “grew up.” So after about ten years of marriage, he was no longer attracted to me. Of course, he didn’t tell me this until after he was arrested. But, I knew in my gut. And, when we did discuss our relationship, his lack of interest or issues in performing were all blamed on me. And guess what? I accepted the blame and carried his shame. This disease does an incredible number on a woman’s sense of sexuality and attractiveness. He’s not attracted to another woman, but to a child? The question that burns in our guts, is “what’s wrong with me as a woman that I’m not enough?”
    3. Though I didn’t know he was a pedophile, I sensed that he was a danger to children so made a private vow to stand watch. Do you know how crazy it is to not trust the man you love with all your heart? Do you have any idea how much that drains you?
    4. My children, who are now adults, did have a good childhood and my ex was a decent dad to them. He did not molest them–pedophiles rarely molest their own children. But now they struggle with believing that their dad is who he has been proven to be–in a court of law, by a forensic evaluation, and through his own admission. He is still a liar and a manipulator and my greatest fear is that they will once again fall prey to his web of deceit.
    5. My grandchildren should never know their grandfather. Under his reduced sentence, he is prohibited from being with children for four years. Who knows after that. Because I had children with this man, I am forever tied to him and his disease because now I have a grandchild. Do you see, this never goes away and it never becomes easier.

    So, dear Jamie, please think long and hard before continuing in relationship with this man. Please don’t make the same mistake that I did.

    Brenda

  100. Sorry, Jamie, you are wrong. Time doesn’t heal pedophilia. There are just as many dirty old men.

    Pray that the Lord releases you from your obsession with this man.

    During this grooming stage, he is attentive to you. But after you give this man your life, he won’t appreciate it. You will always lose to the pedophilia.

  101. What if this happened by accident. At a party and the person was drunk and high and didnt know the other person was underage? Would u still advise me to rethink this whole thing. U think u know how all pedophiles feel and it might not be true for the ones that made a mistake and have learned the lesson. Beside I still say time heals alll.

  102. Ok ladies u think i have obsession on a man that made a mistake and u want me to do research I did everything on research and I know how he feels for me and I know how I feel for him. U dont judge a book by its cover u try to read the book. So who do u think u r to judge someone that made one mistake. Im sure that u made lots of mistakes. So u think that if one man becomes pedophile that he will go back to his ways after being in jail and taking concouling. Well this man that I love only went back to jail because I have kids and he was on probation. He neve touched or harmed my kids any way. I dont think u want to hear me on this subject cause im about to say words that I dont mean. U Ladies love to judge before u know what the stoy is about. Try to look at it from a different point of view

  103. Jamie,

    I have spent over 36 years reading the book on pedophilia–the book I was living. You are angry because you do not like what we have said and I gently remind you that you came here and asked the question. Don’t be angry if the answers we are giving are not what you want to hear.

    But let me address your original question–is it illegal to marry a man who apparently was convicted of some form of child exploitation, particularly if he went to jail for being around your kids. It is not illegal but are you prepared to lose your kids to Child Protective Services if you marry this man? Are you willing to take that risk? Why is he labeled a sex offender?

    I so wish there were a different way to look at this. I get the desire to love your man and live happily ever after. There is no “happily ever after” in this scenario, however. Men who sexually desire children often target single moms–they look for vulnerable children. Children living in a single parent household are vulnerable. Have you considered that his attraction to you is because you have children?

    You say this was an accident–that he was drunk and didn’t know he was, let’s say “hitting on” a minor. Why not insist on counseling with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist for six months to a year–couples’ counseling where his behavior is thoroughly and honestly evaluated and validated via polygraph? Why not ask for a forensic evaluation by a competent therapist, to include all the diagnostic measures used for the diagnosis of pedophilia? Find out if he is sexually attracted to minors–there are tests to determine that. Why in the world would you want to risk your children’s future and safety without getting all the facts–from someone other than the man who may be grooming you so he can gain access to your children?

    Am I judgmental? Yes. But my judgment is based on decades of untold heartache–heartache that will really never end, even though I am out of the marriage now. I so wanted to believe in the fairy-tale romance that I thought we had. I tried to continue to believe even when all the evidence pointed to a different conclusion. I don’t know you–don’t know where you live or what you stand for. But I do care. You may not believe that but I do. I so wish I had known my ex’s secret before I married him. You have information that I did not have. Don’t jump into marriage with this man–get some professional help. Please, Jamie. You are worth it and your kids are definitely worth it.

  104. U say im angry over a question and thats not true. Im angry cause u judge someone that u dont even kno. I will be asking cps about that and woman

  105. jamie:

    I know of a situation in which a man sexually violated a young girl. I’m not going to get into the specifics, but he was not in his right mind, not in the way you described.

    When he realized what he had done, he was shocked – couldn’t believe he had done such a thing, was completely remorseful and in tears. He turned himself in, had testing done, served time.

    One thing about this guy is that he said because this happened when he was not in his right mind, he realized that he is not in control of himself like he thought he was. He has now placed safeguards in place and says he will never allow himself to be alone with a child again. (Right now he is on probation and so he can’t, but soon, but when he is off probation, he would be able to be around children.)

    The reason I am telling you is this. I think in the man’s case I am talking about, he has taken an honest look at himself and realizes that even though in his heart, he doesn’t think he’s a threat, he realizes that there is a different part of him that was even hidden from himself and realizes that he must place safeguards in place. His life will be different now. He knows the price he paid and that he easily could have served a life sentence.

    Do I know that this man will never reoffend? No. Does he know that he will never reoffend? No. But he knows his weakness.

    Has your boyfriend been honest about his situation and admitted that he is/can be a threat in the future? I’d look for signs like that as well. I think an honest person who has offended will tell you that they don’t know if they will reoffend or not.

  106. Jamie, you are here because you are worried and you were hoping against hope that we would somehow tell you that this relationship could work out. You are upset because we cannot do that.

    Pedophilia is a sexual orientation. Your sexual orientation is for adult males. Do you think any amount of therapy could make you become attracted to women or boys? It certainly couldn’t make me change from being attracted to adult men. Men who are attracted to children do not change either.

    You say that we don’t know the whole story. Do you? Get your boyfriend to sign a release so that his probation officer can discuss his criminal history with you so you are not relying on what he tells you. How old was his victim? Were there previous victims he didn’t tell you about?

    Already we have a glaring warning sign. He violated his probation and went back to prison because he had contact with your children. That wasn’t necessary. He should have told you about the terms of his probation upfront, told his probation officer he was dating a woman with children, and spent his time with you without your children being present. He didn’t even though a return to prison was at stake. He lacks self control. That is not a good sign.

  107. Jamie,

    How old was the victim? What was he actually convicted of? Statutory rape or child sexual assault?

    -Anon3

  108. Jamie,

    You need to find out the facts about the age and condition of the girl that was abused, and find out if he had a prior history before that event. You should get a release from him allowing you to get information from his probation officer, the police department, and the district attorney regarding the case. If he refuses to give you a release, that is a sign that he is hiding critical information that would turn you away from him!

    Then you need to go and get that information with an open mind, before you make a firm commitment to him. If the girl was only slightly, less than a year, younger than the age of consent in your jurisdiction, then perhaps he is not attracted to children or younger girls. However, if it is more than a year younger, you should recognize that he has a serious problem that could put your children at risk if you continue the relationship, at risk either from him or from CPS removal from your custody to whomever may intervene or into foster care, which is a terrible thing to do to your kids.

    Then you need to consider this. If a man is so drunk he cannot think clearly about the age of the person he is seeking to have sex with, he is also so drunk he likely will not be able to have sex. Turn that around. If he could have sex, he likely was not so drunk that he could not have avoided having sex with an underage girl.

    The police reports and an interview with the investigator, the probation officer, and the DA or Assistant DA who handled the case, fairly evaluated, can help you to decide whether or not he actually made a mistake of not knowing the age of the girl, and she looked older than the age of consent. Any prior sex related offenses by the guy should put him off limits for a mom with kids.

    Grooming of single mothers is a frequent pedophile behavior. They think those kids are the safest targets because the mother won’t report if she finds out, to avoid losing the kids to CPS. I know of a four year old that was raped in exactly your scenario. Her six year old brother was sodomized. And there was evidence that a younger child was penetrated digitally and her hymen ruptured. That is three children in one family because Mom believed the man and not the facts.

    Please be careful. There are circumstances of what happend before, if you get ALL the information, that may actually mean that he would not harm your children. But do not make the mistake of not getting all of the information. And if he resists you getting it, run away from him.

  109. Thank you all for sharing. I am one week into finding out my husband of 20 years is a pedophile. I always knew the way he treated me and my children was not normal but continued to give it all to Jesus and struggled through. I know my cage has been opened and I am leaving. There is comfort in knowing I am not alone.

  110. Marie,

    Welcome. You are not alone. There are a lot of us who “gave it to Jesus” and hoped and prayed. Now the Lord has set us free. You can cling to the promises of God. Be courageous. You are not alone. And in time, you’ll see that God does restore the years the locust ate.

    I’m sorry for the terrible shock of realizing that you’ve had a pedophile in your life for 20 years. Their concealment, their lies, and the minimizing are so effective, we don’t put the puzzle pieces together for a long time. It takes strength to break free, and yet we are weakened by living for years with a person who is self-absorbed. We rely on Jesus who promises strength in our weakness.

    And don’t be surprised if you feel like going back to your husband over and over in the next few weeks and months. This is really normal due to the loneliness. I had a list of friends — and even a therapist — to call whenever I felt myself getting weak.

    You might want to send an email to Julie Anne. There’s a number of us who discuss life after being married to a pedophile on a password protected site.

    Blessings to you and your family. God is with you. Hang in there. He is carrying you through this troubled time.

    -Anon3

  111. My children and I recently left our home as my husband is not safe. I’d love to get some advice or a link to more resources. Thank you for sharing this info here. It has been a huge encouragement to me.

  112. You may want to try the national domestic violence hotline 800-799-7233. Many of the shelters and related programs also offer help from a “legal advocate” (some are attorneys, some legal assistants) and may be able to refer you to an attorney as well as other resources. If there is a threat to you or your children, you may also find other organizations that can provide assistance in getting a protective order, and other assistance. If possible, contact the local police or district attorney office. Keep in mind that marital rape, child sex abuse, etc., are, in fact, domestic violence.

  113. Hi Miranda,
    I’m sorry that you and your children have been displaced but I admire your taking positive action on your behalf as well as that of your children. I agree with An Attorney–a domestic violence agency would be an excellent place to start in terms of finding resources and information. If you want to join the private forum, we can provide more personal information for you. You can contact Julie Anne on the SSB email account to obtain log-in credentials.

    In the meantime, please remember that you are not alone–there are many of us out there who are or have experienced what you and your children are currently going through.

  114. I am in Australia as well, there is no support here in Victoria. My husband suicided 4 days before the court case was to start. He was charged with making and producing child pornography of my at the time 13 yr old daughter, who was taking a shower at the time, while I was at work at the time. I had no idea he was like that. My daughter is now 17 and hasn’t spoken to me since he suicided, she decided to move in with my mother. I’m strangely relieved that he punished himself. as he can never do that again. I hate that he and his whole family blamed me for his actions. I live like a hermit now and I hate it, he has done so much damage to my daughter and myself. My daughter told me within minutes of me getting home from work what happened 45 minutes before,and he was arrested that night. I want to move past what he did but I feel so stuck, and I haven’t gone back to work yet and I did had a career that I loved and I would like it back. Please help me

  115. Donna: I’m so sorry I’m late in responding. I saw your comment and meant to come back to it, but got distracted. Your story is so, so sad. How can I (we) help you? Do you have any support at all? Have you considered counseling for yourself? You have dealt with a lot of very difficult circumstances in a brief period of time and it would be important to have good support to walk you through this. Would you be interested in joining the private forum? Please let me know: spiritualsb @ gmail dot com

    Thanks!
    ~Julie Anne

  116. Hi Donna,

    I am so sorry for the grief and trauma that you have suffered. Am I right to assume that this happened about 4 years ago? You daughter is traumatized as well. Has she had any therapy? I encourage you to join the private forum so we can be a bit more helpful to you.

    Brenda

  117. Donna,

    I am so grieved to read your comment. I am so glad I saw a comment in this thread so I can pray for you some help. My dear girl, please start looking for a therapist. You must take some steps to begin a journey of healing and hopefully also your daughter will be open to some therapy. I cannot begin to imagine the trauma you both have been through. I have no idea what the resources would be in Australia but I am praying that God will clear your mind to think and act. I encourage you to seek out the forum where you can seek out advice and encouragement from those who have traveled a similar road.

    I am going out on a limb to say it seems you have not given up hope because you commented here. That is a step!

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