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There is a lot of talk about complementarians and egalitarians these days. I had no idea what these words meant until last year. But the roles of husband and wife seem to be very important to some folks. There are Christian leaders who have devoted a whole website to this topic, including Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood , because they feel the need to tell us our roles and to make sure we are following the “biblical” way. I’m not sure why they don’t think we can’t figure out this thing for ourselves with insight from our own bibles, pastors, and churches.
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A while back I read an article by blogger/reader kbonikowsky on the marriage of her parents. I loved her article and asked permission to share it and she graciously agreed. The original article can be found on her blog here. Thanks to Kay for allowing me to post it in its entirety here. Be sure to check out Kay’s blog: The Happy Surprise
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Not My Mother’s Submission
My mother was a submissive wife. (I say was, because my father passed away 8 years ago.) When my parents were reviewed by their mission board before entering the mission field, the board told her she was “too” submissive.* And this was in the 50′s! She believed Ephesians 5:22 was her role, and she obeyed. My parent’s marriage was successful, not because she learned to be submissive and my dad was a good leader, but because they both loved and served Jesus.
Today, her attitude toward wifely submission would not be enough for some pastors. They declare submission defines what it means to be a woman. Leading is what defines a man. They believe that not only does God ask us to behave like His Son, He requires us to behave according to our gender. The modern Complementarianism of the Danver’s Statement places a woman’s place of submitting and the man’s place as leading as the functional hinge of the gospel. If the two places cross or get confused in any way; the Bible, families, churches and even the Good News of Jesus Christ will be warped, lost and ineffective. (Together for the Gospel panel on Complementarianism.)
That is not my mother’s submission.
How do I know, this new submission is not like my mother’s? We had a conversation about the recent trend in churches to focus on men. New ministries are started each day whose goal is to bring men back to church. I think this is fantastic! The gospel is reaching and changing lives through these ministries. Although, I get ruffled when the ministries lay the blame on women, or a feminization at work in the church.
So, I asked her why did she think men didn’t come to church?
She answered without thinking, “Because the Holy Spirit hasn’t led them there!”
You see, there is a subtle shift occurring in the modern wife-submit/men-lead movement. It is not enough to teach what it means for a Christian to love and serve each other, they must tack on gender expectations. What does it means to be a Christian woman? What does it mean to be a Christian man? These questions are tremendously important to a modern Complementarian because they believe the answer affects the gospel.
My mother does not. Neither do I. I continue to submit. I continue to love. I continue to serve based on the Holy Spirit’s gifts. I leave the power and effectiveness of His Gospel to the blood of Jesus.
*An explanation from mom: “The board didn’t say I was “too submissive” but that dad should make room for me, alongside of him. He was such an extrovert and strong leader that I tended to step back and not participate in ministry.”
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