Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

593 thoughts on “Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles”

1. joanne6,

   Thank you for stopping by and sharing your very painful story. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.

   If you are interested in connecting with other women who have walked in a similar path, please contact me: spiritualsb@gmail dot com (please be sure to tell me you commented here). ~Julie Anne

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2. Hi Joanne6,
   I’m sorry you are a part of this club that no one willingly signs up to join! I am truly sorry. Being in an intimate relationship with an individual who turns to children for sexual gratification is extremely damaging to our sense of self and of our marriage. Understanding that the man we married was not or is not who he portends to be is quite difficult to comprehend.

   For me, it has required stripping away everything that I believed about my marriage and the man I loved for over 3 decades. He was and is an imposter–nothing about his “persona” is true other than that he is incredibly narcissistic. But even in that, I was fooled.

   We are not alone–these individuals can fool incredibly intelligent and well-trained professionals. They are just that good. WE are glad you are here and please contact Julie about joining the forum.

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3. My husband just got arrested on child pornography charges. I never knew. I am angry sad and beside myself. How could he do this? i am sickened by it. my mind screams RUN one minute and then i feel guilt for not honoring our vows. i have never been through this and dont know what to do

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4. G: He broke those vows by his behavior, so you are effectively free if you choose to act. And he likely will bankrupt the family with his defense costs. If I were you, I would find a divorce attorney and file, protect whatever assets the family has, get child support set (if you have children) as that will be determined by his income now and provide you what is effectively a lien on his tax return from this year (as in the money coming in early 2015), and get possession of as much of the goods as possible. Then, if he gets out of prison in some reasonable time, and you want to get back with him, you can set the terms for that, and if not, you will have a claim on all of his income for child support.

   He has done something that violates every concept of what a married person should do. Get what you can and get out. (P.S., and I hate divorce, but sometimes it is a necessity!)

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5. Hi G: Your response sounds completely appropriate to the reality you are facing. I am so sorry! I’m glad you found this place. Please let us know how we can help you and feel free to contact me about joining the private forum at spiritualsb@gmail dot com (please be sure to tell me you commented here) to meet others.

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6. Dear G,
   I am so sorry that you are experiencing this horror. I understand your shock, anger, fear and loss. I can tell you from experience that An Attorney is giving you very sound, practical and important advice. I am in my mid 50’s, was married to my husband for over three decades and am facing a very uncertain financial future. Now is the time to think “selfishly” for you and for your children–get what you can and get out as quickly as you can.

   I filed for divorce immediately after my ex’s arrest and yet it took 6 months to complete the divorce (waiting period was waived) because of his craziness. Individuals who look at child pornography are mentally ill and from my experience, the arrest and incarceration made a crazy man even crazier.

   I realize that the advice we are giving is probably frightening and you are already overwhelmed. I am perfectly willing to interact with you via email. And if we both are comfortable, we can communicate via telephone. Contact Julie Anne at spiritualsb@gmail dot com. She will provide you with my email address.

   There are many of us who have been right where you are and we are ready to stand with you through the days and months ahead. We will cry with you and we will help you walk through this. I know it is frightening to trust because you have been so bitterly betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust the most. I get that. But we are trustworthy.

   Holding you tenderly,
   Brenda

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7. As I read these responses there of course is info that I did not post, like the fact that I stayed an additional 8 years to no avail of freedom to love my husband as I once did, so we all lived together grew together and yet I myself was done in more moments than the good……………… The girls are moved out, no other offence was committed of course because it was in the light, but that one part of me was dead and buried never to love freely again……… I have a 16 yo son left at home, who really isn’t taking it too well, but I know in time once this gets done, we will be fine. One of the girls as well is coming to the point of taking his side, can you believe it? Yet I talked of forgiveness and people having second chances………. I’m done here as a wife, I actually gave it my best, but do not want to be with this person who killed the most intimate part of the marriage for me……….. Selfish……… Yes I feel a bit, but in the end, it is sad but true consequences of this behaviour, I will join the forum!

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8. We’d love to have you, Joanne6. I’ll wait for your e-mail 🙂 ~ja

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9. Joanne6,
   Please join the forum so we can discuss these issues in a more private venue.

   Brenda

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10. RE: The Dottie Sandusky NBC Today Show TV Interview today (3-12-2014)

    Don’t forget what Dr. Judith Herman (Harvard) says about perpetrators…

    “In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator’s first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens. To this end, he marshals an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denials to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization. After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it upon herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on.”

    In my opinion, these women are selected and groomed by their child molester husbands to be blind and mute. Their husbands lie, redefine, and minimize their actions…then blame the victim.

    http://www.pennlive.com/midstate/index.ssf/2014/03/dottie_sandusky_speaks_out_in.html

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11. I tweeted this article earlier today and thought of the ladies here who have dealt with the truth of the horrific crimes their husbands have committed and decided to deal with it head on, making many sacrifices for themselves, their families, some losing all their financial security, wading into the great unknown. You ladies here are the brave ones. I greatly admire your strength and resolve for truth.

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12. For my thoughts on Mrs. Sandusky’s interview see:

    http://brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com/2014/03/dottie-sandusky-stereotypical-partner.html

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13. Thank you for posting your article, Brenda. Your voice is important.

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14. I need advice on if there is a law against marrying a man who has changed and wants to be a family. What should I do

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15. Jamie,

    Pedophilia never goes away. There is no law against marrying a sex offender, but it simply isn’t wise. You don’t deserve the kind of hell he will put you through.

    I fasted and prayed for many years for my pedophile husband (now ex-husband). We went to a lot of therapy. We sought a lot of Christian counsel. But nothing worked. My husband was even put into a 30-day treatment program.

    I hoped so much that he would change, but he didn’t. Instead he lied and concealed his behavior even more. Experts call pedophiles “bright and manipulative,” and they are. They are good at appearing to be open and repentant, but sadly there isn’t any change. Just ask the experts.

    Or ask me.

    My ex-husband wanted to molest children more than he wanted a loving and close relationship with me. He used the fact that he was married to lure unsuspecting people into trusting him. People don’t expect child molesters to look like normal happily married men. They are supposed to look like creeps.

    So if you marry him, you will give your man a good cover story to do wrong. And he won’t appreciate you or your love. Your love cannot fix him. Remember Jesus and Judas? Jesus was the most loving Person in history. Judas was one of his special friends who lived, ate, and walked with him for 3 years. But even the great love of Jesus did not “fix” Judas. Judas went the wrong way. In similar fashion, you will not succeed. None of us did.

    I remember the therapist who talked to me after I filed for divorce.
    He said, “The more you love and sacrifice for him, the more he will resent you and push you away.”

    You cannot have a loving and intimate relationship with a pedophile. They aren’t capable of emotional closeness.

    Pray for strength…pray to be released from your interest in him.

    -Anon3

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16. Anon3: I was hoping you would respond. Thank you.

    Jamie, I know, too, from the pedophile in my family that it just does not go away. There may be times where there is less involvement and that might be motivated by true attempts at changing, but the desire is still there and will rear its ugly head in a weak moment. It’s simply not worth the risk. Most pedophiles cannot be honest with themselves, so imagine how this would impact an intimate relationship that is supposed to be built on trust. I hope you take to heart Anon3 words – as difficult as they may be.

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17. Hi Jamie,
    Thank you for stopping by and asking such a critical question. The fact that you are asking tells me you have doubts about marrying this man. Listen to your gut, it has been scientifically proven to pick up on things that the cognitive brain cannot discern. Those of us who spent years married to a pedophile are learning to reconnect with our gut. Our advice, since you asked, is intended to protect you from the grief that we have known and will know until the day we die.

    I understand that you love this guy–they are actually quite loveable in the beginning. They target their victims, including their adult love interest. They study us and learn enough about us to exploit our weaknesses and to shower us with praise and love. Again, they are very convincing and it is easy to fall head over heels in love with them. But there is no cure for pedophilia. It does not go away and even with a strong commitment to recovery, evidenced by working a program daily and being in strong and honest accountability to a therapist, will be a life-long struggle.

    The desire to change does not equal change. When pedophiles are trying to escape the consequences of criminal behavior, or trying to lure another victim into their trap, they are quite convincing in their insistence that they are a changed man, have found God, or no longer struggle. This is what I know from being married to a pedophile for over 3 decades:
    1. Pedophilia was present in every single interaction I had with my spouse–every good and bad moment was overshadowed by its presence. And I didn’t know that anything was overshadowing my life or that it had a name–until I got out of the relationship.
    2. My partner lost interest in me sexually when I “grew up.” So after about ten years of marriage, he was no longer attracted to me. Of course, he didn’t tell me this until after he was arrested. But, I knew in my gut. And, when we did discuss our relationship, his lack of interest or issues in performing were all blamed on me. And guess what? I accepted the blame and carried his shame. This disease does an incredible number on a woman’s sense of sexuality and attractiveness. He’s not attracted to another woman, but to a child? The question that burns in our guts, is “what’s wrong with me as a woman that I’m not enough?”
    3. Though I didn’t know he was a pedophile, I sensed that he was a danger to children so made a private vow to stand watch. Do you know how crazy it is to not trust the man you love with all your heart? Do you have any idea how much that drains you?
    4. My children, who are now adults, did have a good childhood and my ex was a decent dad to them. He did not molest them–pedophiles rarely molest their own children. But now they struggle with believing that their dad is who he has been proven to be–in a court of law, by a forensic evaluation, and through his own admission. He is still a liar and a manipulator and my greatest fear is that they will once again fall prey to his web of deceit.
    5. My grandchildren should never know their grandfather. Under his reduced sentence, he is prohibited from being with children for four years. Who knows after that. Because I had children with this man, I am forever tied to him and his disease because now I have a grandchild. Do you see, this never goes away and it never becomes easier.

    So, dear Jamie, please think long and hard before continuing in relationship with this man. Please don’t make the same mistake that I did.

    Brenda

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18. Thank you for the concern yes I do love him and I know that time heals all.

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19. Time does not heal, pedophilia, Jamie. It simply never goes away. Please get professional advice before! Please.

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20. This is one of the biggest misconceptions of pedophilia. Please heed Anon3 and Brenda’s words. Do some research on this. It is that important.

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21. Sorry, Jamie, you are wrong. Time doesn’t heal pedophilia. There are just as many dirty old men.

    Pray that the Lord releases you from your obsession with this man.

    During this grooming stage, he is attentive to you. But after you give this man your life, he won’t appreciate it. You will always lose to the pedophilia.

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22. What if this happened by accident. At a party and the person was drunk and high and didnt know the other person was underage? Would u still advise me to rethink this whole thing. U think u know how all pedophiles feel and it might not be true for the ones that made a mistake and have learned the lesson. Beside I still say time heals alll.

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23. Ok ladies u think i have obsession on a man that made a mistake and u want me to do research I did everything on research and I know how he feels for me and I know how I feel for him. U dont judge a book by its cover u try to read the book. So who do u think u r to judge someone that made one mistake. Im sure that u made lots of mistakes. So u think that if one man becomes pedophile that he will go back to his ways after being in jail and taking concouling. Well this man that I love only went back to jail because I have kids and he was on probation. He neve touched or harmed my kids any way. I dont think u want to hear me on this subject cause im about to say words that I dont mean. U Ladies love to judge before u know what the stoy is about. Try to look at it from a different point of view

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24. Jamie,

    I have spent over 36 years reading the book on pedophilia–the book I was living. You are angry because you do not like what we have said and I gently remind you that you came here and asked the question. Don’t be angry if the answers we are giving are not what you want to hear.

    But let me address your original question–is it illegal to marry a man who apparently was convicted of some form of child exploitation, particularly if he went to jail for being around your kids. It is not illegal but are you prepared to lose your kids to Child Protective Services if you marry this man? Are you willing to take that risk? Why is he labeled a sex offender?

    I so wish there were a different way to look at this. I get the desire to love your man and live happily ever after. There is no “happily ever after” in this scenario, however. Men who sexually desire children often target single moms–they look for vulnerable children. Children living in a single parent household are vulnerable. Have you considered that his attraction to you is because you have children?

    You say this was an accident–that he was drunk and didn’t know he was, let’s say “hitting on” a minor. Why not insist on counseling with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist for six months to a year–couples’ counseling where his behavior is thoroughly and honestly evaluated and validated via polygraph? Why not ask for a forensic evaluation by a competent therapist, to include all the diagnostic measures used for the diagnosis of pedophilia? Find out if he is sexually attracted to minors–there are tests to determine that. Why in the world would you want to risk your children’s future and safety without getting all the facts–from someone other than the man who may be grooming you so he can gain access to your children?

    Am I judgmental? Yes. But my judgment is based on decades of untold heartache–heartache that will really never end, even though I am out of the marriage now. I so wanted to believe in the fairy-tale romance that I thought we had. I tried to continue to believe even when all the evidence pointed to a different conclusion. I don’t know you–don’t know where you live or what you stand for. But I do care. You may not believe that but I do. I so wish I had known my ex’s secret before I married him. You have information that I did not have. Don’t jump into marriage with this man–get some professional help. Please, Jamie. You are worth it and your kids are definitely worth it.

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25. U say im angry over a question and thats not true. Im angry cause u judge someone that u dont even kno. I will be asking cps about that and woman

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26. jamie:

    I know of a situation in which a man sexually violated a young girl. I’m not going to get into the specifics, but he was not in his right mind, not in the way you described.

    When he realized what he had done, he was shocked – couldn’t believe he had done such a thing, was completely remorseful and in tears. He turned himself in, had testing done, served time.

    One thing about this guy is that he said because this happened when he was not in his right mind, he realized that he is not in control of himself like he thought he was. He has now placed safeguards in place and says he will never allow himself to be alone with a child again. (Right now he is on probation and so he can’t, but soon, but when he is off probation, he would be able to be around children.)

    The reason I am telling you is this. I think in the man’s case I am talking about, he has taken an honest look at himself and realizes that even though in his heart, he doesn’t think he’s a threat, he realizes that there is a different part of him that was even hidden from himself and realizes that he must place safeguards in place. His life will be different now. He knows the price he paid and that he easily could have served a life sentence.

    Do I know that this man will never reoffend? No. Does he know that he will never reoffend? No. But he knows his weakness.

    Has your boyfriend been honest about his situation and admitted that he is/can be a threat in the future? I’d look for signs like that as well. I think an honest person who has offended will tell you that they don’t know if they will reoffend or not.

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27. Jamie, you are here because you are worried and you were hoping against hope that we would somehow tell you that this relationship could work out. You are upset because we cannot do that.

    Pedophilia is a sexual orientation. Your sexual orientation is for adult males. Do you think any amount of therapy could make you become attracted to women or boys? It certainly couldn’t make me change from being attracted to adult men. Men who are attracted to children do not change either.

    You say that we don’t know the whole story. Do you? Get your boyfriend to sign a release so that his probation officer can discuss his criminal history with you so you are not relying on what he tells you. How old was his victim? Were there previous victims he didn’t tell you about?

    Already we have a glaring warning sign. He violated his probation and went back to prison because he had contact with your children. That wasn’t necessary. He should have told you about the terms of his probation upfront, told his probation officer he was dating a woman with children, and spent his time with you without your children being present. He didn’t even though a return to prison was at stake. He lacks self control. That is not a good sign.

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28. Jamie,

    How old was the victim? What was he actually convicted of? Statutory rape or child sexual assault?

    -Anon3

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29. Jamie,

    You need to find out the facts about the age and condition of the girl that was abused, and find out if he had a prior history before that event. You should get a release from him allowing you to get information from his probation officer, the police department, and the district attorney regarding the case. If he refuses to give you a release, that is a sign that he is hiding critical information that would turn you away from him!

    Then you need to go and get that information with an open mind, before you make a firm commitment to him. If the girl was only slightly, less than a year, younger than the age of consent in your jurisdiction, then perhaps he is not attracted to children or younger girls. However, if it is more than a year younger, you should recognize that he has a serious problem that could put your children at risk if you continue the relationship, at risk either from him or from CPS removal from your custody to whomever may intervene or into foster care, which is a terrible thing to do to your kids.

    Then you need to consider this. If a man is so drunk he cannot think clearly about the age of the person he is seeking to have sex with, he is also so drunk he likely will not be able to have sex. Turn that around. If he could have sex, he likely was not so drunk that he could not have avoided having sex with an underage girl.

    The police reports and an interview with the investigator, the probation officer, and the DA or Assistant DA who handled the case, fairly evaluated, can help you to decide whether or not he actually made a mistake of not knowing the age of the girl, and she looked older than the age of consent. Any prior sex related offenses by the guy should put him off limits for a mom with kids.

    Grooming of single mothers is a frequent pedophile behavior. They think those kids are the safest targets because the mother won’t report if she finds out, to avoid losing the kids to CPS. I know of a four year old that was raped in exactly your scenario. Her six year old brother was sodomized. And there was evidence that a younger child was penetrated digitally and her hymen ruptured. That is three children in one family because Mom believed the man and not the facts.

    Please be careful. There are circumstances of what happend before, if you get ALL the information, that may actually mean that he would not harm your children. But do not make the mistake of not getting all of the information. And if he resists you getting it, run away from him.

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30. Thank you all for sharing. I am one week into finding out my husband of 20 years is a pedophile. I always knew the way he treated me and my children was not normal but continued to give it all to Jesus and struggled through. I know my cage has been opened and I am leaving. There is comfort in knowing I am not alone.

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31. Marie, I’m so sorry to hear this. So much pain and so many years! I am very glad you found this place. Would you like to be connected with other wives/ex-sives on the private forum? Please send me an e-mail: spiritualsb@gmail.com

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32. Marie,

    Welcome. You are not alone. There are a lot of us who “gave it to Jesus” and hoped and prayed. Now the Lord has set us free. You can cling to the promises of God. Be courageous. You are not alone. And in time, you’ll see that God does restore the years the locust ate.

    I’m sorry for the terrible shock of realizing that you’ve had a pedophile in your life for 20 years. Their concealment, their lies, and the minimizing are so effective, we don’t put the puzzle pieces together for a long time. It takes strength to break free, and yet we are weakened by living for years with a person who is self-absorbed. We rely on Jesus who promises strength in our weakness.

    And don’t be surprised if you feel like going back to your husband over and over in the next few weeks and months. This is really normal due to the loneliness. I had a list of friends — and even a therapist — to call whenever I felt myself getting weak.

    You might want to send an email to Julie Anne. There’s a number of us who discuss life after being married to a pedophile on a password protected site.

    Blessings to you and your family. God is with you. Hang in there. He is carrying you through this troubled time.

    -Anon3

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33. My children and I recently left our home as my husband is not safe. I’d love to get some advice or a link to more resources. Thank you for sharing this info here. It has been a huge encouragement to me.

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34. You may want to try the national domestic violence hotline 800-799-7233. Many of the shelters and related programs also offer help from a “legal advocate” (some are attorneys, some legal assistants) and may be able to refer you to an attorney as well as other resources. If there is a threat to you or your children, you may also find other organizations that can provide assistance in getting a protective order, and other assistance. If possible, contact the local police or district attorney office. Keep in mind that marital rape, child sex abuse, etc., are, in fact, domestic violence.

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35. Hi Miranda,
    I’m sorry that you and your children have been displaced but I admire your taking positive action on your behalf as well as that of your children. I agree with An Attorney–a domestic violence agency would be an excellent place to start in terms of finding resources and information. If you want to join the private forum, we can provide more personal information for you. You can contact Julie Anne on the SSB email account to obtain log-in credentials.

    In the meantime, please remember that you are not alone–there are many of us out there who are or have experienced what you and your children are currently going through.

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36. I am in Australia as well, there is no support here in Victoria. My husband suicided 4 days before the court case was to start. He was charged with making and producing child pornography of my at the time 13 yr old daughter, who was taking a shower at the time, while I was at work at the time. I had no idea he was like that. My daughter is now 17 and hasn’t spoken to me since he suicided, she decided to move in with my mother. I’m strangely relieved that he punished himself. as he can never do that again. I hate that he and his whole family blamed me for his actions. I live like a hermit now and I hate it, he has done so much damage to my daughter and myself. My daughter told me within minutes of me getting home from work what happened 45 minutes before,and he was arrested that night. I want to move past what he did but I feel so stuck, and I haven’t gone back to work yet and I did had a career that I loved and I would like it back. Please help me

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37. Donna: I’m so sorry I’m late in responding. I saw your comment and meant to come back to it, but got distracted. Your story is so, so sad. How can I (we) help you? Do you have any support at all? Have you considered counseling for yourself? You have dealt with a lot of very difficult circumstances in a brief period of time and it would be important to have good support to walk you through this. Would you be interested in joining the private forum? Please let me know: spiritualsb @ gmail dot com

    Thanks!
    ~Julie Anne

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38. Hi Donna,

    I am so sorry for the grief and trauma that you have suffered. Am I right to assume that this happened about 4 years ago? You daughter is traumatized as well. Has she had any therapy? I encourage you to join the private forum so we can be a bit more helpful to you.

    Brenda

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39. Donna,

    I am so grieved to read your comment. I am so glad I saw a comment in this thread so I can pray for you some help. My dear girl, please start looking for a therapist. You must take some steps to begin a journey of healing and hopefully also your daughter will be open to some therapy. I cannot begin to imagine the trauma you both have been through. I have no idea what the resources would be in Australia but I am praying that God will clear your mind to think and act. I encourage you to seek out the forum where you can seek out advice and encouragement from those who have traveled a similar road.

    I am going out on a limb to say it seems you have not given up hope because you commented here. That is a step!

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40. My husband has abused our children, but the court is just upset with me for leaving the state. I have an attorney who doesn’t get it and need a new one. He hasn’t even made the judge aware of the abuse, so I have been ordered to move back there with the children. Fathers must have their rights protected, you know. I desperately need a new attorney in WI. I hope someone on here will have a suggestion. Thank you for posting this letter!

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41. Miranda, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I can’t believe the incompetency of your attorney!

    Can you contact me privately at spiritualsb@gmail.com and I will start asking around for you.

    In the meantime, if you’d like to join the private forum where there are other wives and ex-wives who have walked in your shoes, let me know via email, too.

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42. Hi Miranda,

    I am so sorry for all that you are experiencing and do encourage you to join the private forum so we can find out how best to support you.

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43. Pingback: Open Letter to Editors of Christianity Today from Ex-Wife of Pedophile: “Predators in Our Midst” | Spiritual Sounding Board

44. Miranda,
    Now that no-fault divorce is available in all 50 states, both parents are seen as having the right to be with their children unless the court determines that one is a danger. So you cannot take your children and run — or rather, you can, but you had better be able to prove the danger.

    I was able to get sole custody and the court gave my ex-husband monitored visitation. That allowed the children to see their dad without running an risks. But I had a mountain of proof with which to sway the court, and that helped a lot.

    Partners of abusers need to build their case: calls to police, calls to Child Protective Services, photos of injuries with proof of date. But if the abuse is life-threatening it’s best to go to a shelter and disappear.

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45. I met my husband at 16. we have been married for 24 years. he left me and our 8 children 5 days before christmas. he has had numerous affairs but i always believed the stories he told me. i needed to believe because i love him. he finally left me for his current affair. i was devastated. it was only once he left that my daughter felt safe to tell me that he had been abusing her sexually for a year from 10-11.

    there was a prelim hearing last week. i had not seen my husband since dec. he lives with his affair partner in another city. it was horrific to watch him allow our daughter to be badgered and victimized all over again on the stand as she was cross examined. the defense attorney terrorized her for over 2 hours while my husband passed him notes to give him more ammunition against our baby girl. it was the most painful thing i have ever seen. how can he not own up to what he did? the glares he gave me were scary.

    how can he spend 30 years with me and turn into such a monster? do they ever admit to the abuse? how can you call your daughter a liar? the other major problem is that i still love him. i care about him and have deep feelings for him. i cant admit this to the children because they hate him. he has cheated on me for years, gave me an std, lied continually and abused our daughter and yet i still love him. my life is a train wreck. did any of the rest of you have these feelings of love when you know you should hate your pedophile husband?

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46. Hi Mary,

    First, I am so very sorry that you and your children are experiencing this horrendous betrayal. I know this is a devastating time in your life and I so wish I could wave a magic wand and make it disappear but I can’t. Just know that you are not alone–many of us have been right where you are and understand, as perhaps few can, the devastation you are experiencing.

    And it is perfectly normal for you to still feel love towards your pedophile husband. You married him when you were still a child yourself–let me guess, he was older than you? But you loved him and forged a life with him so of course you still have feelings for him. Dr. Patrick Carnes wrote a book called “Betrayal Bonds” that also helps explain this phenomena. You will eventually be able to detach from those feelings and see your relationship in a new light.

    In the meantime, hang on and know that you will survive. We are here to help support you. You may want to request to join our private forum and you can certainly email me through my blog.

    Sending support and care,
    Brenda

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47. Mary, I am so sorry for you and your children. I was sexually abused as a child, my mother did not hate the people who abused me, they were her family. It hurts very much that my mother does not hate them and it makes me lose respect for her.

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48. Dear guest that is exactly what i am afraid of. that one day my daughter will hate me for not hating her sexually abusive father. i have told her i am 100% behind her. she and my other 7 kids are my mine priority. i am in counseling and working very hard to change my feelings. the counselor believes i have the thinking of an abused woman. how do i join the private group?

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49. mary, please send me an e-mail at spiritualsb@gmail.com and I’d be happy to get you connected. ~Julie Anne

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50. feeling so very desperate today. i cant stop the tears. I just want to spend my days in bed. I know no other life than that with my husband. 30 years and not a day lived without him since i was 16. I am so lonely and feel so guilty for not knowing and listening to my gut instinct about what he was doing to our baby girl. he is so good at telling me what i need to hear. I actually miss the stories he told me that always “fixed” everything i was feeling in my gut. it has been 8 months since he left me and I still feel just as sad. my therapist says my healing cant really begin until the trauma ends. the trauma continues as the court dates and trial proceedings progress. the image he portrayed for 30 years is NOT what i am seeing now. it is as if he wants me and the children dead. such hatred. Who is this man I have loved for 30 years? how will I ever be okay?!

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51. Dear Mary Johnson, You all ready sound like a much better mother then mine. Miss Brenda is right, considering you married him when you were only sixteen makes it much more understandable. Please let your daughter know there are people she does not even know who care very much about her and understand. Much LOVE to you and your family.

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52. Dear Mary, I feel horrible for you. I have never been married so I can’t even understand, but I care very much. So sorry.

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53. we met at 16, dated 5 years and married at 21. never a day apart until he joined the navy. we had 12 babies together. we lost 3 late into my pregnancies and lost an infant daughter to leukemia. i thought watching my baby girl leave my arms for Jesus would be the worst time in my life but that grief and pain doesnt touch this shock, devastation, pain, loneliness and heart ache. not only have i had to wrestle with the fact that my husband is a child molester and i have also had to realize that he has been sleeping with other women since we were engaged. it is so much to take in at once. my head allowed me to believe he was my knight in shining armor for 30 years. i pretended very well. it is hard to face the truth. i wish you well guest. so very sorry for the abuse.

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54. Thank you Mary. I am safe and free now.

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55. i am very worried about the lasting impact on my daughter. may i ask your age now, when the abuse took place and if you are able to have stable relationships now? how are you?

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56. I am 35. I was not abused by my father, I would assume that makes a huge difference. Before my tenth birthday. I do not trust or respect men, I have never had counseling though. We are all very different, your daughter could have different feelings then me. Knowing people hate sexual abuse always makes me feel better. Try to put good feelings and memories in her life, bring home a fun, happy, peaceful movie, smile at her, hug her, tell her you love her. Maybe surprise her with a bake night, put on some good music. When I hear that someone hates sexual abuse it makes me feel better, I love Julie Anne, Dee, and Deb. They are my heroes.

    The examples you set for your daughter will affect her, be assertive, confident, NOT arrogant, have self respect, read informative info online or/and books. You embodying peace and joy will help. Empower yourself. How you live your live is going to help or hurt your daughter. I love you both and cheering for you;)

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57. Dear Mary,

    My heart hurts for you and I do understand. Please know that it will get better. It is a healing process so trust that in time you will come to a place of indifference towards your husband. This is relatively recent and there is much going on right now. I do encourage you to find a S-Anon group and begin attending weekly. It was incredibly important to my healing and helped with taking off the rose-colored glasses with which I viewed my 34 year marriage and begin to see my spouse as he truly is rather than how I thought he was. It will get better.

    And your daughter will heal. With counseling and support she will come to see that you did not know what was happening–you are a victim just as she is.

    Brenda

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58. thank you so much. my counselor does indeed believe i am a victim as well. i dont see myself as such. he never hit me but did threaten to hit me. it is so confusing. i am so grateful i finally found a place that understands my feelings and doesnt think i am crazy. my family is so angry at me for having feelings for my husband and still loving him. they are so frustrated with me and dont know why i dont see the monster they see. what is s-anon? i am so desperate. i will do anything to be the best mom i can be and to find some relief from the pain.

    so grateful i found a place that “gets it”.

    in deep gratitude,
    mary

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59. S-Anon is a 12-step support group for individuals involved with a sex addict. A pedophile is more than an addict so you qualify for attendance. It is free and it works.

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60. Dear Mary,

    Thank you for opening your heart on this blog post. Those of us who are former wives of pedophiles know exactly how you feel. Even though our husbands are monsters, for a long time we still felt a lot of love for them, felt dependent on them, attached in some way, not quite able to stand on our own. I think it’s part habit and part our own insecurity in facing the world alone.

    It might help for you to see it as a cycle that goes around and around—
    – anger
    – numbness
    – fear
    – love
    – vengeance
    – betrayal
    – dependence
    – disgust
    Then throw in some loneliness, and it really hurts!

    Please continue sharing your story with safe people. The more you cry and share, the more healing you will find. You will eventually feel indifferent about him. It takes a long time because you have been dependent on him, just as Brenda and I felt dependent on our pedophile husbands. But — do you know what? — we ended up being able to stand on our own two feet. We are free from fear, free from his bad influence, free from having our reputations destroyed by his self-centered behavior. He is no longer our responsibility. He is 100% culpable for his actions. We do not share any of his guilt.

    You’ll have to train your mind to stop thinking about his preferences, his feelings, his opinions. From now on, your own preferences and feelings and opinions are more important. Ask yourself: What do I want? What would make me happy? For years we wrapped ourselves around them. Now it’s time to stop and rediscover ourselves.

    Today, more than 10 years later, I feel a level of affection for my ex-husband that doesn’t make sense to anyone who has never been married to a pedophile. I no longer love him, but I don’t hate him either. He’s a broken man and he is no longer my responsibility. I don’t wish evil on him, but at the same time I don’t want him near me or near any children.

    Eventually your children will get happier and healthier. The healing starts now! Even though the court case is terrible and brutal, at least you are fighting, and that counts for something. A lot of ex-wives just simply give up. Don’t feel guilty. You were specially selected by your husband because he thought he could deceive you forever. He was wrong.

    Continue to ask God for courage. He will give it.

    -Anon3

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61. I meet my husband five years ago and all I knew was he had been in some trouble for under age pornogrphy. I’m a very trusting person and believe everyone deserve second chances. We have been married two years now and it was a wonderful marriage so I thought. Until I get a disturbing phone call to come to the police department because my husband has been arrested for molesting my 9 year old girl. I can not see her or my 2 year old they will not release any info to me because they say I am a perpetrator. Yes I allowed him in my home but I never in a million years thought he would harm my kids and my daughter’s always seemed to adore him and always wanted him around

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62. I forgot to mention I’m getting a divorce and getting this monster out of our lives forever

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63. I am so very sorry for your experience, Jennifer. So very sorry.

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64. Jennifer, praying for you, and please make sure you contact our hostess–she will get you set up with people who will help. Also, since you’re listed as a perpetrator, you will do well to talk to a lawyer–traditionally, the first consultation is free. He (or she) will guide you into how to find and present the evidence to put the right person in jail. If you’re poor, the police and social services may have lawyers you can work with for free.

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65. Jennifer, yes, please do contact me and I can get you connected with other wives who have gone through similar circumstances in a private forum. It’s so important to get support and good information, especially from women who understand. My email is spiritualsb@gmail.com

    I’m so sorry you are going through this!

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66. I am as damaged today as I have not been given any support from family, Church, friends.

    I have moved away to a new state, last year has been hell, as my husband was on trial for the rape of his daughter and my Son.

    He was found guilty and is in Prison as an old man. He will like that, he may die there, but he will have peace in himself. He believes that forgiveness comes by asking Jesus to forgive him. He gets help.

    I get nothing. I feel that people think I should have known.

    Do they really believe that? I would let my Son be raped and do nil?
    If I knew this I would be in Jail.
    To live each day, away from my family is HELL.
    What have I got to live for?
    My Heart is broken.
    My life now is in constant pain.

    WHAT IS LOVE? I thought I was good at sharing love, I now. look back and believe that I didn’t get any LOVE for myself.

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67. lynn (I removed your last name for privacy),

    I’m very sorry to hear about the pain and trouble you have gone through. I don’t understand family, friends, and church who abandon someone in need or in a crisis. It just doesn’t compute for me. It is wrong and you should not have been treated like this. You have a more clear understanding of love than many in church. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. Would you be interested in connecting with other wives of pedophiles? If so, please let me know and I’ll send you an invite. I think you might find it helpful to have support from women who understand and care.

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68. Lynn,

    First, let me assure you that you are not at fault for your husband’s behavior. Child molesters are charming, manipulative, and incredibly secretive. They are excellent at deflecting suspicion, blaming others, and laughing at your concerns. They choose wives who are trusting. They excel in minimizing, denying, and explaining away whatever evidence you see. Your husband has been molesting children long before you came into his life. He’s a experience con-artist and fooled many people. It is not your fault. It is his: 100%.

    Help me understand your story. Are you saying your children have been taken away from you as a result of your husband’s sexual abuse, or that you moved away from them?

    I will pray for you tonight, that God will bring you and your children back together, that you will find professional help from someone who is an expert in this area, and that you have the courage to end your marriage so that your husband no longer has the right to step foot in your home again.

    If you look to the Lord, he will help you. He will give you courage to do what’s best for you and your children. He will give you more strength than you EVER thought you would have. He will guide your steps and lead your decisions. He will also give you peace in the storm. Lay your worries, cares, and fears at his feet. He loves you and will be your protector. You did the right thing: The healing starts now.

    “The LORD is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him.” —Nahum 1:7

    “We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” — 2 Cor. 4:8-9

    -Anon3

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69. I’m exhausted from crying. Husbands been in jail for 10 days for something my older son claims happen 8 years ago. I am so sad and so sick. I cannot bail him out because he can’t be around my kids. He is a great father and my family is ruined from this.

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70. AC, my heart aches for what you are going through. If you’d like to get in touch with others who have walked in a similar path, please contact me at spiritualsb@gmail.com. It’s a private forum. You are not alone on this difficult journey.

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71. Dear AC,
    I have been where you are now and I so well remember the pain and anguish you are experiencing. I am so very sorry that you are in the middle of this perfect storm. There is so much that I want to say to you but let me just tell you what I wish I could tell that scared, wounded and broken woman that was me a mere three years ago:

    You will survive this, in fact, you will thrive again. You are far stronger than you ever believed and your kids are more resilient than you can imagine. You will learn things about the man you love in days to come–things that take your breath away and make you want to vomit. You will face ridicule, suspicion and fear will be your constant companion–oh and tears, oceans of tears.

    But this place right here is not the end of your story. This is not your defining moment. This is a moment of brutal truth but in the end it will set you free. You will find freedom you never knew existed. You will laugh again–I know that seems impossible at this moment, but trust me, you will. And you will love again. You will lose a lot in the coming weeks but you will gain so much more.

    You are afraid and anxious right now, and rightly so. But somehow your needs will be provided and God will be with you through every tomorrow, just as He is with you now. You are not alone and your tears count for something, in fact, the God of the Universe is collecting them–they are so very precious to Him. Hang on, the ride will get bumpy but you are being held and in the end, all will be well. It really will be.

    Much love and prayers,
    Brenda

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72. Dear julie anne,

    I have spent all my morning today looking for forums that will guide me and l discovered yours. i am in desperate need for guidance. Am an african wife and i have been married for about 9 years and we have 4 kids. My domestic help just informed me yesterday that my hubby has been touching her inappropriately for almost 2 years now and she is just 15 years old. i believe her because l had similar issues with previous helps but my hubby denied the accusation. Now what do i do? i love my husband and he takes good care of me and our kids and l really do not want divorce him but l need to do something or how do l put a stop to this disgraceful and shameful act. This is the 3rd help under my care that is experiencing such torture. Please i urgently need your expertise or advice on how best to handle this matter and still have my home in tact. Do i confront him ? The previous cases he had denied. God bless you.

    Angela

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73. Hi Angela,

    I’m so glad you found the blog. I’m so sorry to hear about this obviously devastating news about your husband.

    I would encourage you to report him to authorities. You do not need to confront him that you are doing so. If you know about criminal activity he has done with minors, it’s imperative that you report it. This could be a very difficult step for you to take, but it is the right one. It also may be important for you in the event that someone else reports him and authorities find out that you knew about his crimes, but did not report. You want to make sure that you take the proper steps to ensure that you retain custody of your children. Yes, it is that serious.

    I am going to send you an invitation to join the private forum where other women who have been in your situation have gathered for support. I think you will get very helpful support and advice there.

    My heart and prayers are with you, Angela!

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74. Angela,

    If you have not already done so, please, please report your situation to the police. This is not my area of expertise, but as a lawyer I am very concerned that you may be placing yourself at great legal risk if you do not contact law enforcement now.

    You may be afraid that your husband will retaliate if you report him. Even if you are not afraid, I would encourage you to contact your local domestic violence center. Sometimes they are called things like domestic safety resource centers. You could get started by calling the national domestic violence hotline. The number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

    Brenda, who comments above, has been through a situation much like yours. You may wish to take a look at her blog, http://brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com/. You might also want to email her directly at the address she posts on her blog. It is brendafindingelysium@gmail.com. Brenda has professional training and experience, so she is a really good person to contact.

    Finally, I would encourage you to recognize that your children may very well be at risk. Nobody wants to think such things, but with stuff like this it is better to be safe than sorry.

    Like everybody here, I do wish you the best. I wish I could provide comfort without burdening you with advice, but there is just too much risk if you do not take proper steps now. If you take action, I am confident that there will be people to help. It won’t be easy, but it will be much easier than what you will have to deal with later if you do nothing now.

    Be very careful about going to a pastor. They generally mean well, but just aren’t equipped to deal with this sort of situation. They can get so caught up in saving sinners that they forget to care for people like you who are their victims.

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

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75. Dear Angela,

    A statement in your last paragraph really struck me, “how best to handle this matter and still have my home intact.” I know where you are coming from and understand your desire to protect your children by keeping their family together. I too felt that. But this is not a minor thing that you can control or deal with, in spite of what your husband may be telling you. You didn’t cause it, you cannot control it and you certainly cannot cure it.

    You are married to a sexual predator who is incredibly skilled at manipulation, deception, justification, rationalization, minimization, gaslighting and projection. He is probably a very likable man who has a lot of social capital and the last person anyone would suspect of harming a child. It is horrifying to digest that sentence because this is the man you love and have made vows to. You want to keep your marriage and you want to keep your home together. But–you are married to a serial molester. He is not the man you think him to be. He is not the man he purports to be. He is not a safe man, particularly to children.

    Will it hurt to report him to the authorities and expose him? You bet! But the cost to you and to the innocent children he has yet to harm is too great for you not to do something. Will you be believed? Maybe, maybe not. All you can do is try.

    And this is a safe place to land–the private forum is a safe venue to gain support, encouragement and strength. I know from experience that the road ahead of you is rocky and difficult. But I also know that there is hope, joy, laughter and freedom on the other side of this. It is rare to maintain an intact marriage once the secret crimes are exposed and that is painful. But living in truth an transparency is much better than living within a secret web of deception and criminal behavior. This I know for a fact.

    Contact me either through the email address that Gary W provided or through the private forum. There are a group of us who will walk this with you if you will let us.

    Your sister,
    Brenda

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76. One little thing here, and first a couple of qualifiers. If the allegations Angela makes are true, her husband deserves to go to jail for it, and Angela has the right to divorce him. Depending on the severity of the offenses–obviously I am not a witness–those who minister to her might come to the conclusion that it would be wrong not to divorce him. In the U.S., this is pretty straightforward.

    That said, I notice one little thing in her note; she is African. Now which nation, or even whether she’s currently in Africa or has emigrated somewhere else, I do not know, but the legal systems and attitudes toward the divorced can be very different there–and regrettably there is also a tradition of using the Interwebs for fraud. Would recommend that those who interact with her make sure they make contact with someone who knows the situations there,or else you may risk hurting her (or you) pretty badly.

    (maybe missionaries would be good contacts?)

    All the best to you who do minister to her, just figured I’d put a little “word to the wise” here. And God bless you too, Angela.

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77. Dear Julie Anne, Thank you so much for your response, it uplifted my spirit. I also wish to express my gratitude to Bike Bubba and Brenda(who made me laugh for the first time when she mentioned the different skills these sex predators possess.)Now i would like to raise some issues:

    1) Am a housewife with a master’s degree, with no money, no financially stable relative/sibilings, my folks are actually dependent on my hubby for everything. How do i fend for my kids? which court will grant me custody knowing that l can’t provide for them? Am very sure that my folks will advice that l stay and continue to pray because my hubby built a house for them and also sends monthly stipend.

    2) Without any concrete evidence,would the case not turn against me and l lose my kids in the process? Incidentally, l reside in my country, in africa were the judiciary is very corrupt and most of the time the jugdement tends to favour the high and might. Lets face facts, i don’ think i can survive without my kids, they are all l live for.

    3) When a woman divorces her husband in my home town, her inlaws invites everybody(the bigger the crowd the better) in the womans village to witness the return of bride price. This is just to publicly disgrace the woman and her family whether they are guilty or not. To some cheering news, i designed my CV yesterday , and as l write , the job hunt has started, as soon as i get something(anything at all) i will begin the legal process. I can only ask that you continue to pray with me and encourage me to see this process to the very end because immediately l report him to the authorities, i can safely say that he will throw me out of the house. Thank you all very much . Angela

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78. I really could use some helpful feed back with my situation and how I feel and don’t know what to do? My husband is now on sex offender list and I am struggling even though we aren’t together thanks

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79. Hi Mary,
    I’m sorry to hear of your struggle. Would you be interested in joining the private forum? There are others there who have walked in your shoes and may be able to offer you some support and suggestions.

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80. I found this site and have read a few things already. I was with my boyfriend almost 20 years. I found out he was having an affair and left him. A few months later we were talking about getting back together when I got a phone call about how he has done this (and worse). I confronted him and he admitted it like it was nothing. I wanted him in jail where he belonged. He didn’t see anything wrong with what he was doing and I think that is what bothered me the most. I told him he was dead to me. I went through hell. How could I have not seen this? It eats me alive at times.

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81. I definitely relate to Mary. I also met my husband at 16 and was married for 24 years. This year would have been our 25th anniversary. The Horror and the pain from this has been unbearable for so long that I wasn’t sure that it would ease up. It has gotten some better. I don’t feel comfortable sharing yet all that has transpired, but this is a terribly lonely road. I wish I had a friend to go through this with. I have been to spouses of sex addicts groups for years, but It doesn’t feel they understand the devastation and confusion of living with a groomer. ( I guess that is what he does) I have been so brainwashed, I don’t know what is true…I think… see?? I feel like I am only a former shadow of myself that I only glimpse from time to time. I was so spiritually strong before praying and fasting that things would change. (well I guess they did ) I see that I am learning Gods character more clearly now and sometimes I see that I will eventually see things so much more clearly…He does answer all my questions in His time…. I can sometimes catch a glimpse of a bright future….mostly I don’t see it right now, but I am working hard at recovery.

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82. Mya, Thank you for sharing your story. I’m really sorry to hear that you, too, have been harmed by being married to a pedophile. I’d love to connect you with others wives if you’d be interested. Please contact me at spiritualsb@gmail.com grace and peace, Julie Anne

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83. Dear Julie,

    I meet my husband in Highschool. And we married when I was 19.

    About a year ago he told me he found young girls attractive. He assured me he never plans on ever doing anything.
    This year, we got pregnant. (Due: nov 19th)
    It’s a girl.

    I couldn’t help but start thinking about what he told me. And we had been babysitting my niece a lot.
    I broke.
    He openly told me he has fantasized about my niece. (She’s 10)
    He’s told me the youngest he’s found attractive is 8. And he keeps saying he’ll never do anything.

    But I don’t know what to do.
    I do love him, and I want to trust him.
    But, I’m scared…

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84. Dear AnonMoon,

    I’m so sorry about your situation. This is a real shock for you. You are smart to reach out for help and information. We will pray for you as you walk this path.

    Adults who are attracted to children and fantasize about sex with them are pedophiles. No one really knows how it starts, although the urges start young: grade school and middle school. And the sad fact is there’s nothing in the academic literature that indicates that pedophilia ever goes away. It’s with them all their lives.

    It is very common for husbands to admit their fantasies to their wives during pregnancy. That’s when my husband told me he had a long history of acting out with children. They tell us when we are at our weakest and most needy.

    I’m glad you care about your daughter yet to be born. Living around a pedophile is a nightmare of anxiety for the wife and everyone else who knows. I asked my husband to leave when my children were very young and cooperated with the authorities.

    And I’m so glad I did.

    Your husband’s attraction to children is NOT YOUR FAULT. It existed before you met him, and it will dog him to the grave. I can guarantee that he’s already molested some poor child. He’s telling you a small confession to see how you will react. If you don’t leave him, he’ll feel safe to molest others.

    You cannot stop him; you cannot control him. You cannot possibly be vigilant enough to protect your children, your friends and neighbor children, babysitters, etc. His desire to fondle children trumps every other good and moral urge in his life, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

    My advice? Divorce is far better than living with a pedophile. By getting out when my children were young, I saved them from a lot of trauma. My kids turned out great. They are college educated, emotionally healthy, and love the Lord. But I credit that in part to getting him away from them early. Every day free from him is a day that the healing happens.

    I’m sure he is charming and that you don’t want to divorce. Nearly ALL pedophiles are charming and are big liars. They look for loving, sweet, caring, generous wives who will turn a blind eye to their obsessions, or are too needy to leave.

    I know you may not have the strength to end this now. But please pray for strength. Don’t be one of the women on this comment thread who waits until her children are 20 or 30 or 40 to end the marriage. If you wait, your daughter will blame you for not protecting her and her friends.

    I got out and my life is so much better. It took a few years but I was able to support myself and my children, and we are so happy.

    I don’t hate my ex-husband, but he’s not healthy and he’s not safe.

    Anon3

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85. Let me add one more thing:

    Pedophiles will be found out. It’s just a matter of time.

    The pedophile and spouse will have their names on the front page of the paper and all over the Internet (forever). It is just a matter of time. The police are good at finding child porn; they monitor people’s internet use for months before kicking down the front door and arresting the pedophile.

    Save yourself the humiliation and get out now. The humiliation and pain of a divorce are nothing compared to be raked over the coals after he’s been arrested.

    If you get out now, your friends will help you.

    But If you wait, your friends will wonder what your husband did to their kids … with your tacit permission. There will be few places to turn. Friends and family will turn against you the longer you wait.

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86. I forgot to add some other things, when originally posting.
    He’s 25 (26 in Nov).
    And I don’t believe he’s done anything. (yet)
    I only believe this because of the other things he’s told.

    And, he did look a that kind of porn when he was a teen, but hasn’t since.
    (I do monitor his computer and such)
    Clearing history doesn’t actually ‘hide’ your activity if you know where to look and such.

    And he isn’t around kids often.
    He’s job has nothing to do with kids.
    The only time he’s near kids is at my families get togethers which happen maybe, once a month.
    And he’s never alone with them. Ever.

    And I actually don’t have friends to turn to. That’s why I’m here.

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87. AnonMoon,
    I’m glad Anon3 was able to share with you. My heart really goes out to you. You are in a difficult place, that’s for sure.

    would you like to be part of the private forum? There are others there who post from time to time who have walked in your shoes. If so, please send me an e-mail at spiritualsb@gmail.com

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88. AnonMoon,

    I know how much you want to believe your husband. You love him. You’re pregnant with his child. When I was in that situation, I said all of the same things you are.

    For seven years prior to the divorce, I thought my husband was okay. He was attending Sex Addicts Anonymous twice a week and having therapy with a specialist. The two of them lied to me about my husband’s behavior. Eventually that psychologist lost his license and fled the state (not due to my husband’s case, but due to his own sexual behavior with another client).

    1. Before we married a different therapist told me my husband wouldn’t touch a child sexually again. (He was wrong; 20 years later my ex- admitted to authorities to having dozens and dozens of victims.)

    2. My husband’s job had nothing to do with kids. (But he was a salesman and cruised parks during the day, and after I went to bed at night or on weekends, saying he was going out to run errands. In high school he was a youth leader and fondled a lot of kids.)

    3. I used to claim he was never alone with kids, but in truth one day I looked outside in the backyard and saw him down on the ground tickling a neighbor girl, a perfect set up for his usual behavior. All he needed was a minute or two. On another occasion, I know he found a victim when I went out to run a quick errand.

    4. He was able to hide his porn use from me, but not from the authorities. (And I’m quite good with computers).

    5. Most molesters are family or close friends of the victim.

    I don’t believe your husband because pedophiles are fantastic liars. The deny; they minimize; they laugh at your suspicions; they act sorry; they tell you you’re not a good Christian because you’re not loving and forgiving; they get angry because you won’t trust them.

    My husband was a great liar. The head of the county treatment program for sex offenders told me my ex-husband was “bright and manipulative” and very difficult to treat. He ended up washing out of the program and labeled a “treatment failure.”

    I will say something: God knows when it is time for us to leave and he gives the strength to go. He offers power and courage we never thought we had. I never thought I could leave my husband. But when the time was right, God gave me the opportunity and the strength to go. I had to surround myself with people who would help me stay strong because living with a child molester warps your judgment and kills your self-esteem. You feel you cannot live without them, but you can. And you can thrive!

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89. I actually want to help him.
    I just don’t know how.

    And he’s never been to a psychologist/therapist.

    My husband works nights. He comes home by 8:30am stays home doing w/e til he has to go to be at 2pm, then gets up at 9pm, leaves at 10pm.
    I’m a stay at home wife, so I’m awake all day.
    Only one neighbor of our has kids and they’re little boys, which we never see nor talk to. (couldn’t even tell you their names)
    We don’t live in a neighborhood where we hang out or even say ‘hi’ to our neighbors.

    My father use to look up porn and cheat on my mother so my brother and I found the backways to track activity and such on computers.
    The only ‘close’ children near us is my siblings kids. And when we’re at my family events, he stays beside me. Or he actually hangs with my brother.
    When we baby-sat my niece I or my mother-in-law where always there.
    (and his mother doesn’t know about this problem, her blood father was a pedophile and did do things to her and her older sister, so she has this constant fear of such. Which her father was never ‘caught’ or anything and has always stayed a freeman.)

    The reason I believe my husband,(at least for now), is because he actually doesn’t ‘fit’ the stereotype.
    He’s a horrible lair. He doesn’t laugh at my suspicions, he actually asks if he is acting strange of needs to ‘back away’ at times. He ofc does say sorry but he also says he understands if I leave.
    He calls himself a monster and says I’m a ‘saint’ for staying with him as long as I have. He says I’m a good Christian because I am loving and forgiving.
    He doesn’t get angry that I’m having a hard time trusting him, he gets hurt, but doesn’t blame me.

    I pray every night to God, because I know I need his strength.

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90. Pedophiles have to act cooperative in order to keep you. You serve two purposes.

    1. Wives make pedophiles look normal to the outside world. (Although we know that about half of child molesters are married or have been married at least once.)

    2. These wives stay with the pedophile regardless of how he behaves due to a belief her love will change him. (Pedophile’s wives are loving, giving, idealistic, forgiving people.) Pedophiles choose women like this who will put up with anything not to be alone.

    Your family tree is littered with women who are willing to accept these kinds of men. Your daughter will too unless you break the chain.

    I broke the chain. When my son grew up and asked me what his father did, he used the same word your husband did: “Monster.”

    Using children for sexual gratification is sick…
    …and pedophilia never goes away.

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91. I believed my husband’s lies too. He seemed so totally sincere and repentant and convincing.

    You said, “I don’t know how to help him.”

    Please understand that the best way to help him is to leave. By staying you are merely providing a dangerous man with cover and aid. You are betraying your own daughter, yourself, your neighbors, your family, etc.

    He works at night so you have no idea where he really is or what computers he has access to.

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92. AnonMoon,

    Actually, your husband is a typical pedophile. He’s admitted his attraction — not just in general — but to an actual 10 year old you know. That is sick. Normal men aren’t fantasizing about 10-year-olds. He told you when you were pregnant. That’s typical. He claims he’s never done anything even though he’s got very strong urges. That’s typical.

    He feigned openness is disarming, just as the trained therapist said about my ex-husband. By admitting to a little tiny bit of his behavior, he has gained your trust. He “confounds” you by using this technique. It’s very clever, very manipulative.

    I got totally bamboozled too, and I think of myself as a good judge of character.

    One thing I haven’t mentioned: Child Protective Services can take your children away if they suspect that you knew and did nothing. They almost took away my children, but I cooperated fully so they knew I was on their side, not trying to cover for my husband.

    It takes years to break through the denial. I understand that you have a family pattern of women in denial who stay with men who behave badly. I hope you’re able to break the cycle for your daughter.

    My life is so happy now. I was so afraid for the first year after I told my ex-husband to leave. But I am so glad he’s gone gone gone.

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93. Dear AnonMoon,
    I have been following your interactions with Anon3 but have been unable to chime in until now. Let me just say that I know Anon3 personally and can vouch for her wisdom, trustworthiness and for her story. She is a living testament that there is life after having married a pedophile.

    Anon3 referenced my story briefly in one of her comments in that I was one of the women who stayed for over 3 decades after knowing that my husband had molested two children. He told me when I was pregnant with my first child. I stayed because I believed him, because he agreed to be in accountability–to me. I stayed because I wanted to give my child a chance to know his father. I stayed because I was isolated–just as you are. I stayed because my “religion” taught me that this is what I should do–after all, he was “repentant” and made promises to never, ever do such a thing again. I stayed.

    We raised our children (three in all) and his career thrived. We looked like the ideal married couple, dedicated to God, family and each other. But underneath the surface of our life together, pedophilia was eating away at the bedrock of our marriage. I now know that my husband was not present for any of our romantic interludes–he couldn’t be. He was not attracted to me–an adult woman. He struggled mightily to be my husband but he could not. I was not what he wanted.

    My front door was broken down by the police executing a raid (they called it a search warrant) after they had watched my husband download child porn for months. He worked for a well-known Christian organization so his mug shot was on the evening news the night of his arrest and our home address was released to all of the world. My now-grown children were devastated beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Anon3 had the wisdom to leave her pedophile husband while her children were young. I did not. And I truly believe that the devastation they have experienced was far greater than that of Anon3’s children. My children’s whole world view and childhood have been destroyed.

    I tried to help my husband–therapists tried to help. But this goes beyond a mere “curiosity” (his favorite word). It is more akin to a sexual orientation–it is not something he can change. I have benefited greatly by attending S-Anon, a 12 step group for family and friends of a sexually addicted individual. One of the most important things I learned from S-Anon and from my own personal therapy since my door broke down is that I didn’t cause my husband’s pedophilia, I couldn’t control it and I certainly could not cure it.

    I know you are confused, fearful and devastated by your husband’s confession. I was too. It doesn’t take much for me to know exactly how you feel–I felt the same way. I am so proud of you for searching for answers and so grateful that you found SSB. I wish this had been available for me over 35 years ago when I was in your shoes. I did not tell another human being for 20 years and can still recall the sense of relief I felt when my best friend finally knew my closely-held secret. You are much further ahead of where I was when I first knew.

    I am so sorry that what should be the happiest time of your life has turned into such a nightmare; I am so sorry. I am sorry that you are having to grapple with such life-altering truths that threaten the very foundation of the family you are building when you are gestating another human being. This just sucks–there is nothing good about it.

    I don’t make this offer frequently but I will for you. If you want to talk, email Julie privately and she can provide you with my telephone number (Julie, you have my permission). You can reach out if and when you choose and I will walk this with you. No judgment, no pressure, just a listening ear from someone who has been where you are.

    Hugs,
    Brenda

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94. “By staying you are merely providing a dangerous man with cover and aid. You are betraying your own daughter, yourself, your neighbors, your family, etc.”

    Exactly that. Leave.

    Some aspects of leaving won’t be easy of course. Your financial position may be worse. You’ll also have to move homes. You’ll lose some friends (mutual friends that knew him before you, will side with him and not believe you). Depending on your specific life situation there may be even more difficulties.

    But none of that matters, because your FIRST responsibility is to do everything in your power to prevent him from ever molesting a child again. You’re an adult, you come second.

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95. I found out 3 months ago 3 days before our anniversary my 16yr old and my husband 45 had sex 3 times, found out how promiscuous my daughter was and she was involved with a 19 yr who was ” directing” my daughter to do sexual thing such as tempt my husband.please do not judge me as I am not finished with this story. My husband was sick and wrong in every way to do this. He’s the adult and should not have given in to this temptation. My daughter admitted to me that she “asked” him to. I struggled with my gut feelings over all this for weeks because my husband was a good husband however he struggled with sex addiction that’s apparently was a lot worse than I ever fathomed.. he hit his rock bottom. Even after the statements were taken and he made his confession he still couldn’t tell me to my face that he did it. Also my daughter admitted to me that this 19 yr old boy was her “master” and did what he said. He asked her if she would do certain things and she did.I found out she sent him explicit pics of her self and I read twisted FB IMs between them. I contacted the military as he is stationed over seas. And he is being investigated. My daughter is in therapy now for this part. My husband is sitting in jail out of town because he decided to get on a plane to go see family before he turned himself in.. but the indictment was passed Down a month early and I told him he can’t leave but he lied to me and left so I turned him. Have struggled and struggled over this. I loved him so much. He was a better dad to my kids than their own who disappeared almost 2 yrs ago. My daughter is my first mission and getting her help before she’s released into this uncertain world is something I have to do. I feel like I’m being judged because I still love him and Satan had a hold of him bad. This tragedy brought me back to God and he said he gave his life to Jesus. Only God knows if he truly did. He has thrown away everything God put before him because he couldn’t control his desires. I even found out he was sexting a co-worker and sent explicit pics of himself to her. He just won’t confess to any other infidelity.He doesn’t know I found out about the cheating. I haven’t spoken to him but one time since he’s been sitting in another state waiting to be extradited. My mother thinks I should be over this by now. She thinks it’s a betrayal to my daughter. It’s hard to get past when almost everyday I find out something new about his secrets of something she did. I hear comments all the time about how if this happened to them they would go insane, they just aren’t here with me when I’m alone.. I cry, I yell, I feel hopeless, I feel on the edge, anxiety, I feel like a emotional roller coaster.(what good would shutting down do my girls) however I do isolate myself when I’m not shuttling them around. It takes time to heal. I’ve told people not to rush me. I thank God for my church family. They support my family but they also pray for him. When He comes back to the county jail they are planning on visiting him through the outreach program they have for prisoners. I forgave him and my daughter for what happened with them. But now New info.. I’m trying. I can’t move forward without forgiving. As for financially I’m ok without him.paycheck to paycheck but I make my bills. I spend more time with my girls without him.. one thing a sex addict does is always want to be clingy because they are afraid he will be cheated on so he tried to monopolize all my time. So that’s a positive that’s come out of this..spending more time with my girls..and I feel released because I’m not worried who just texted him or was he really working late. I do pray he will have a testimony to share one day with other addicts and offenders.

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96. Oh. And he did remove himself from our home. Forgot to add that

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97. I just found this page and it’s the first time I have ever come across anything like this where I understand and I think someone may understand my story. I’ve been looking for a place like this for a while I think. My husband and I met in 2008, it wasn’t even 3 months into our relationship that I caught him sending photos through texts to another woman. We have been together since 2008 and married in 2011. Through out our entire relationship every 3-6 months I would find something new. Texts, photos, emails, computer messages, websites….the story was always the same, he was sorry and he would never do it again and he begged and cried and threaten suicide if I left. So I never left. In May of 2013 my brother in law got married and his wife had a 14 year old daughter. My husband and this daughter became close. I was not comfortable with the relationship and voiced that many time and was told “she’s like my little sister” or by her mom “she thinks of him like a brother since her own brother is in prison”. In December 2013 my uneasy feelings about that relationship where validated when it came out that my husband (who was a truck driver) had taken this girl on the road with him at least 3 times for 2-3 days at a time. That means sleeping in the cab of the truck together. The girl says they had sex. My husband said they didn’t. I have seen facebook messages between the two of them saying they loved each other, my husband calling me names and telling her how much he hated me, telling her that when she was 18 they would be together. My husband to this day says there was no sex. He says to this day he has never had sex with anyone while we have been married. I don’t believe and I feel guilty for that. July 2014 my husband was picked by US Marshalls for the charge of taking a minor across state lines with sexual intent. Even though he said he didn’t have sex with her he plead guilty. He entered a federal prison in May 2015 and will be there until January 2024. I am still married to him. I was going to be the wife that stayed. The one that relied on God to get us through and save our marriage. Until the last 2 months. I’m miserable. I am removed enough from the situation to see things I didn’t see before. I am a christian woman and I am struggling with wanting to divorce my husband. God never wants divorce. My husband became a christian in January 2014. He says he has changed. He says he is a different person. I would like to believe him but 7 years of lies doesn’t leave much room for any trust at all. He says that I have to just trust God and we will make it through this and have a great marriage when he gets out. We never had a great marriage before, so I am having a hard time thinking it will be great after we spend 8 years apart. I feel like if I leave this marriage, I am basically saying I don’t trust that God can reconcile this marriage. I feel like I am in a battle of what I want and what the bible says. I don’t know what to do from here. I know that I want to divorce and try to find some healing and some happiness, but I don’t want to disobey God by leaving and not trusting him to fix it. I am miserable every day. I cry all the time. It seems like it would be better to not live at all than to live like this.

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98. @Looking For Hope,

    I am sorry to hear about this heartbreaking betrayal in your marriage and family.
    Here are some steps that I recommend that you take:

    *Please see your doctor about your crying all of the time and the trauma you have experienced. You should have a check-up and a referral to a professional therapist to help you. If you can’t afford one, please contact your county mental health agency and ask for help.

    *The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is staffed 24 hours a day/7 days a week.
    You said that it would seem it would be better not to live at all than to live like this.
    They are very nice people and I would encourage you to call them for help and guidance in your situation.
    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/yourself.aspx
    -800-273-8255

    *Here are two very good blogs of wives who found themselves betrayed like you have been:

    Clara Hinton’s blog called Finding a Healing Place
    http://www.findingahealingplace.com/

    Please also check out the Resources tab. There is a very good video taught by her son Jimmy Hinton.

    Brenda Elysium’s blog called A Solitary Journey:
    http://brendafindingelysium.blogspot.com/

    *About bad marriages

    A Cry For Justice
    http://cryingoutforjustice.com/tag/jeff-crippen/

    This is run by a pastor Jeff in Oregon and Barbara, an expert about bad marriages, who lives in Australia. They also have good books and resources.

    While this website is a wonderful source of help, you need additional support at this time and I would encourage you to seek it and take care of yourself.

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99. It is not true that God never wants divorce. He never wants people to behave in such a way that the innocent spouse has to get a divorce.

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100. Dear Looking For Hope,

     You mentioned this:

     I feel like if I leave this marriage, I am basically saying I don’t trust that God can reconcile this marriage. I feel like I am in a battle of what I want and what the bible says.

     I understand your comment. There are pastors who teach this, but the truth is that IS NOT IN THE BIBLE.

     Jesus exerted 100% control over nature, but never controlled the hearts of people he met. Look at the Gospels. Jesus never did the Jedi mind-trick and made sinful people repent and be good. He accepted people’s own decisions. If they didn’t want to follow him, so be it.

     The fact that they were too proud, or too greedy, or too selfish to follow him didn’t seem to alarm Jesus. Jesus was sad when they walked away, but HE LET THEM GO.

     You need to do what Jesus did. Accept the truth about your husband, and let him fade away.

     Anon3

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101. I’m 29 was married 11years together total of 14yrs I had a baby from a previous boyfriend although the man I ended up marrying took on the role of a father for my daughter. We married I had a son with him. I thought I had a great husband never had friends he went out with or drink with, allowed me to stay home with the kids, provided well, and overall good STRICK dad. I loved him and still do.
     Only to find he had been molesting my daughter since she was 8yrs old and never suspected nor did she show the typical signs of abuse. It took her 4yrs to speak.
     That day I left him knowing I hadn’t worked since I was 19 I had no job I didn’t know how I would make it but I knew I couldn’t stay even thou I loved him and desperately wanted to maintain my marriage.
     It’s been 2yrs since it all came out he sits in prison now. And it’s late nights like this that my mind runs wild desperately looking for answers of why? The man didn’t even have a traffic ticket to his name I was just a shock to everyone but thank you Jesus he did admit he had done it and I saw it again in the interrogation video. So I got closer on that.
     But I quickly jumped into school this came out December 7 2013.
     I finally got a low paying job at a hotel. I jumped into school may 2014 and am currently still a student with graduation approaching aug 2016.
     I have swept it under the rug and been too busy to deal with my loss and emotions that come with this tragedy.

     And every year during my Xmas vacation from school is when it hits.
     It’s been hard I’ve gone threw depression, sadness, humility, the whys and what ifs, the anger, resentment, fear, crying every emotion thinkable. I don’t think I’m done grieving I can’t find a way to completely forget him or let him go in a weird way. I still love him. he’s all I’ve known since I was 15yrs old n when I see my son I see him I go through pictures and I can’t seem to put them away. I miss the happy life I thought we had.

     But since this I have embraced God and put faith in him 100%.
     I can say today that God has put me through the ultimate test of faith and patience.

     I believe the best blessing has come from my biggest disappointment.
     I believe this is what had to happen in order for me to change my life. i hate that my baby had to suffer and I still fight with guilt of it being my fault no matter people, therapist, friends, priest tell me, it’s not I didn’t protect her bc I didn’t know but bc I was a teen mom and wanted a father for my daughter. I chose him I brought him into my life and hers.

     Either way, I have found forgiveness in my heart for him I pitty him and I pray for him. God placed him into my life to serve his purpose for me had it been another woman someone else child I would of been blinded and stayed.

     Without the fire destroying my world I wouldn’t be where I’m at and I’m still not fully where I want to be but I can feel it getting closer.

     I have learned to see the beauty of a fire how life is marvelous and magical as to how it repairs and rebuilds it’s self.

     I know God placed this on me to one day speak of my testimony of how God saved me December 7, 2013
     When I could find a job not even Walmart or McDonald’s called me back for a job interview and bills piling up I finally got a job on the spot at that hotel
     2.i had already used government help to get my 2yr degree back in 07
     Coming back and applying and telling financial aid my story the helped me get $ to start the respiratory program and I didn’t pay when there shouldn’t have been any money for me. God is good
     3.when I went through this ordeal of filing criminal charges ppl said be prepared, with no penetration, no record on him he may get 10yrs probation. God condemned the wicked and he got 25yrs with no parole.

     When I went through my divorce I had a stranger that didn’t know me but heard my story pay all my fees!!
     When I thought I’d lose my house and we would have to split assets and thought he didn’t deserve anything. JUDGE ruled in my favor I kept everything but his clothes n car. I even got my wish of supervised visitations for our son. I got sole custody.

     5.when my daughter wanted to find her biological dad I knew things wouldn’t end well but she had to visit that and when he couldn’t agree with request we ended up in court and once again JUDGE ruled in my favor about everything! And sadly to say the relationship didn’t last but 6months.
     God has provided for me time after time he has stretched my money to allow me to meet and pay for our basic needs might I say getting paid at $8 hour NO FOOD STAMPS my kids were pulled from Medicaid I own a home which I make payment and bills no we don’t have Internet or TV and I’m blessed to say my father pays my phone but we manage and I wonder evey month how we go by and still managed to make my weekly church donations of $5 no a lot but ALOT for me.
     I got a better job as a student respiratory tech out of 10 students applying I was one of the chosen. God is good!!
     8.when I thought and feared my kids were damaged and have issues do drugs rebel. I’m blessed to say they are the happiest I have seen them in years.
     9.this year I had already told my kids no presents this year they understood n were ok with it. at church we do the angel tree every year I pick a boy n girl this year wasn’t any diff even though I wasn’t sure how I would but the gift with cash being low I picked two children that all they wanted was a blanket I spend the rest of my cash on getting materials to make these kids blankets. Well good deeds never go unseen my children received presents from many of my fellow classmates, people from work I just meet it touched my heart to know how blessed I was bc God provided in the end with the kindness of people heart that they thought of my children
     I have a new car, I am saving for a new home, I have started my new career.
     I can honestly say I have shown my children how to handle a tragedy with grace and how anything is possible with GOd, faith and hard work.
     I’m by any means the smart girl I work countless hours studying I have sacrificed time with my children and family to make the grades I do but it’s only temporary And for the betterment of our lives.

     There are many many days I cry because I’m tired I’m frustrated and overwhelmed but God gives me thevstreght to keep doing it bc I honestly don’t know how I have juggled it all work school clinicals STUDING homework children cleaning cooking bills…before all I did was stay home made dinner I had the easiest carefree life I was a lazy person and to be able to do what I’ve done and still do amazes me everyday
     I am strong I am confident I help people I feel good about myself I am dreaming big bc the possibilitys are endless and I would of never had these things these experiences if this tragedy didn’t happen. I’m broken with love And trust but I’m a new woman and I have been provided with a second chance and am taking it with full force
     I understand me n my kids were in a controlled relationship a verbal n mental abuse situation but I didn’t know until I’m on the outside looking in.
     I’m here living proof there is hope you can make it on your own. it’s never easy but nothing worth doing is without sacrifices and shedding blood sweat and tears.
     Statistics show mothers tend to be in denial and stay in the relationship
     I understand it’s easier financially n easier to co patent than to be completely alone and not even get child support because they are incarcerated not to mention the fear of doing it alone and the doubt if you could possibly do it
     It all crossed my mind…
     I hope one day when my walk on this path is over I can share my testimony and help other mothers that are dealing with this ordeal
     Thank you for sharing this story!! I needed to run across this for my healing!

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