Sometimes this stuff gets heady and it’s good to laugh. This space is reserved for that.
In response to J.D. Hall’s book for children called, “Help!! Arminians are Giving Me Nightmares Again!”, SSB blog readers gave alternate titles below. Special thanks to my sleuth behind the scenes who used some creative genius in putting this together. 🙂 I love it!!
Neo-Calvinists Favorite Buzz Words
- biblical
- gospel
- winsome
- uncharitable
- robust
- men’s roles and women’s roles
Spiritual Sounding Board 
I came up with a list of books I’d like to see but never will:
Where’s Waldo? by J Edgar Hoover
The Road Less Travelled by Christopher Columbus
The Hiding Place by Padmé Amidala
Best Fast Food Joints by Julia Child
Lord of the Rings by Mr. Clean
Evidence That Demands to be ignored by Richard Dawkins
Harry Potter and the incrementalist Stone by JK Rowling
Gone With the Wind by Dr. Spock
The Purpose Driven Life by Jack London
Left Behind by Pecos Bill
This Present Darkness by Darth Maul
The Late Great Planet Earth by Khan Noonian Singh
Dare to Write Your Congressman by James Dobson
Higher Criticism by Joel Osteen
Through Gates of Tallgrass by Elizabeth Elliot
Mere Christophony by C S Lewis
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous by Joyce Meyer
The Complete Book of Accountability by Chuck Smith
Sexual Integrity by Brigham Young
The Five Love Languages by John Wycliffe
So much fun!
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Still laughing at Oompa Loompas in the hands of an angry God. Too funny.
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I thought so, too, and tweeted it a while ago 🙂
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How about: “Love You (The Elect) Forever” or “The Pokey Little Puritan” or “Where the Wild Discernment Bloggers Are”?
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HAHA – Those are great, JoeJoe.
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Here’s a couple Arminian ones for you: “Cloudy With a Chance You’re Not Actually Saved.” And, “To Kill A Mockingbird’s Faith (subtitled- How to Lose Your Salvation)”
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Gary posted this on another site (http://t.co/EOklqliaQC):
The Happy Calvinist
I love to go a-Calvining
Along the mountain track
And as I go, I love to sing
My TULIPS on my back
Chorus
Val-deri, val-dera
Val-deri, val-dera,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha
Val-dera
My TULIPS on my back
I love to Calvin by the stream
That dances in the sun
So joyously it calls to me
Come join my happy song
Val-eri, val-dera
Val-deri, val-dera
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha
Val-era
Come join my happy song
I wave my hat to all I meet
And They wave back to me
And blackbirds call so loud and sweet
From ev’ry green wood tree
Val-eri, val-dera
Val-deri, val-dera
Val-deri, val-dera
Oh, may I go a-Calvining
Until the day I die
Oh, may I always laugh and sing
Beneath God’s clear blue sky
Val-eri, val-dera
Val-eri, val-dera
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
Ha
val-dera
Beneath the clear blue sky
Beneath the clear blue sky
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Watch for the imminent (not soon) release of The Arminian Dog and the Calvinist Cat coming to a boxing ring near you!
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Oh good. Because otherwise people might say I’m a Calvinist basher. It seems most of the abuse stories I’ve covered come from that camp, but I do have Calvary Chapel stories, too. I try to be fair and call out all bullies.
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The Arminian dog and the Calvinist cat
Side by side at the altar sat;
T’was half past mil, and (what do you think!)
Nor one nor t’other had slept a wink!
The old guard church and the offering plate
Appeared to know as sure as fate
There was going to be a terrible spat
(I wasn’t there; I simply state
What was told to me by the empty plate!)
The Arminian dog barked “I avow!”
And the Calvinist cat replied “Allow!”
The air was littered, an hour or so,
With bits of election and God loves you so,
While the old guard church in it’s downtown place
Up with its hands before its face,
For it always dreaded a family row!
(Now mind: I’m only telling you
What the old guard church declares is true!)
The Dresden plate looked very blue,
And wailed, “Oh, dear! what shall we do!”
But the Arminian dog and the Calvinist cat
Wallowed this way and tumbled that,
Employing every tooth and claw
In the awfulest way you ever saw–
And oh! How the fur and insults flew!
(Don’t fancy I exaggerate–I got my news from the empty plate!)
Next morning, where the two had sat
They found no trace of dog or cat;
And some folks think unto this day
That the devil stole that pair away!
But the truth about that cat and pup
Is this: they ate each other up!
Now what do you really think of that!
(The old guard church it told me so,
And that is how I came to know.)
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Not a book title, but hopefully witty enough for this thread:
I’d rather be a SpiritualSoundingBoard than sit on a Spiritual-Sounding Board.
Nor do I want to be Spiritual, but Sound Bored.
I like to play. On words.
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🙂 I love it, i heart sheck. There are so many meanings behind SSB – it’s quite amazing when you think about it.
I hope this is never a spiritual-sounding board. That sounds like a lot of churches I know.
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FYI: I deleted a comment which was too sexually over-the-top. No need for that here.
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“Spiritual-Sounding Board.”
Haha! This is really, really crackin’ me up. Every time I see the name of this blog I read it that way automatically now, and laugh and laugh.
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Julie Anne,Do you remember the children’s song in church…”.Oh be careful little mouth what you say?Oh be careful little mouth what you say?For the Father up above is looking down with love,oh be careful little mouth what you say?” You are a very destructive woman and the words and attitudes toward your brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus,you will be accountable to.I understand your hurt and anger at what’s been done to you.I too,witnessed Spiritual abuse from the Charismatic movement,as did my whole family.But I plead with you,not to go down the road you are travelling and might I add,taking others with you.It is one thing to be hurt and express that pain,but it is entirely a very wicked and deceptive thing,to joke and throw sarcasm around.Anyone who has a podium to speak from,whether it be Spiritual Sounding Board or Vision Forum,you will answer to God for your leading astray His sheep.You have become the very type of person who hurt you….
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“It is one thing to be hurt and express that pain,but it is entirely a very wicked and deceptive thing,to joke and throw sarcasm around.”
Is it?
Chapter and verse please.
I recall Jesus had far worse things to say about the religious despots of His own day.
Snakes. Vipers…..
“Anyone who has a podium to speak from,whether it be Spiritual Sounding Board or Vision Forum,you will answer to God for your leading astray His sheep.”
Indeed. Just as Julie Anne will, presumably, answer to God and receive a reward for the healing she has brought to many who have suffered abuse committed in His name.
My Bible is full of stories of prophets whom God specifically instructed to call out the abusers of their day. By remaining silent and insisting that silence is the righteous path, you yourself partake of the abuser’s crimes.
“You have become the very type of person who hurt you….”
In what way? The type of person who spiritually abuses, builds a kingdom of dependents who are generally chewed up and spat out when they exhibit a lack of loyalty, or raise concerns. He usually does not tolerate independent thought. He is a paranoid enforcer of his own thinking in the minds of others. As a contributer to this blog from time to time, I cannot recall an instance when my faithfulness or loyalty or devotion has been called into question simply for not posting for a season …..
As you said, “Be careful little mouth what you speak”, for you may not be aware of the false allegations that you make.
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Couldn’t have said it better myself, Chris R. Thank you! Spot on! This website has brought help and healing to many battered sheep.
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I do remember Elijah asking the servants of Baal if there god was sitting on the toilet. The Bible shows God laughing in victory…it’s a very healthy response esp to such a painful topic. Be careful about who you rebuke here because your comment is off in spirit, understanding and tone. No she is certainly not becoming an abuser…but is ministering to victims. Your comment, on the other hand, is shaming, and highly inappropriate. I’m amazed she has posted it actually…but to SA survivors that attitude, while triggering, is not really a shock. It’s what our abusive churches did. In the New Covenant, we have the Holy Spirit to convict us of sin…and He does his job very well.
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Back on topic….this post has me literally laughing out loud. It’s quite “winsome.”
think a post on evangelical buzzwords should follow. I’ll start:
“That really blessed me”
“Awesome”
“Lord I just wanted to …” (heard in prayer)
“I just wanted to share..”
” You’re such a servant!”
“I didn’t have a peace about ….”
“I have a heart for,,,,,” This expression is very rarely heard outside of church circles and is pure Old Testament. ” So my God put it into my heart to assemble the nobles, the officials and the common people for registration by families.”.(Neh 7:5) 🙂
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April, you are on a roll! We need to resurrect this thread 🙂
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This site is fun and great, God does have a sense of humor and I agree with ChrisR and AprilHealing, Tammy comments are still religious in nature and protect the dynasty at any cost. A lot of so-called Christians think it’s wrong for anyone to correct their church or pastor and pastor brainwashes people “you are not to judge, or called to judge or pastor’s are not to be corrected; only accountable to God”. Lot’s of scripture on correcting, rebuking and judging righteous judgment. Obviously Tammy forgot the Prophets were sent to correct as well as Apostolic Types (which is for today; per Leonard Ravenhill & Arthur Katz’s wonderful written works). I remember this:
“First phone Number in the Bible: Adam Ate One Two, First Motorcycle: David Lit Out on A Triumph, First Tennis Game: Moses Served on Pharoah’s Courts, Longest Skin Stretch in Bible:David tied his Ass (Donkey) and walked ? Miles, First Love Scene: David served Bathsheba Wine and Nectar”. that’s few can remember. It’s great to laugh and have JOY.
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Ha! Hermeneutics with Dick and Jane! “Robust!” This is funny cause it’s so spot on! Thanks!
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