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What was it like in my Patriarchal home, you ask? Let’s discuss hymens.

Julie Anne
Photo by Cliff Booth on Pexels.com

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. While I do not have time to blog full-time, I do want to keep a record of personal accounts as they come to mind. I know that my personal experiences are not outliers, and that every time I share something from my life in “Christian” Patriarchy, someone will reach out and tell me they had the same experience or something similar. It is with that in mind that I share this post taken from my recent Twitter thread.

What was it like in my Patriarchal home, you ask? Brace yourself. When our eldest daughter was 13 and before she started her period, my then husband told me he did not want her to use tampons because it would break her hymen and it was important for her future husband to do so.

I also thought it was disgusting the way he talked about her future husband treating her like some sexual object to conquer as if it was his right and privilege to “pop” that piece of skin that may or may not even be there. He of course said this was God’s design.

I worried about her because I had a very heavy flow and needed multiple feminine products. What if she was like me? How did I handle it? I never mentioned tampons to my 2 daughters…ever. I provided pads, but never tampons and never brought up the subject. This was unlike me.

Inwardly, I was heartbroken. I was their mom and this should have been a conversation only I had with my precious daughters. But he was the “head” of the home, and my job was to be submissive. So I honored his request.

So, while I never mentioned tampons to my daughters (in obedience to my husband) they apparently found out about them, and I later learned that they secretly took mine. Later, as life went on and difficult stories were told, they learned about this and were rightly livid.

Patriarchy destroys women. It denies women their personhood. It objectifies women as merely something to penetrate and own (see Doug Wilson for evidence): https://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2021/06/06/we-now-see-the-fruit-of-doug-wilsons-teachings-on-marital-sex-personal-accounts-of-marital-rape/



Your Christian sisters need you to know these stories. Every single time I share a personal story, I get messages telling me their abusive personal accounts in Patriarchal homes. There are so many living in this kind of environment.

As always, if you are a wife in a Patriarchal home and need a safe place to talk, please message me. I have a private safe group.

36 thoughts on “What was it like in my Patriarchal home, you ask? Let’s discuss hymens.”

  3. My understanding was that virginity simply meant you hadn’t had sex; breaking the hymen was expected to happen your first time, but if horseriding or tampons did it, it wouldn’t change your status as a virgin. And I thought I grew up in a strict church. I’m just amazed at the ignorance in some of the churches.

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  4. I don’t know where he was taught this. What struck me the most was that this was some sort of conquest – for a husband’s penis to rupture the hymen like a sporting event to get his prize in his new wife. In all of this focus, where is his new bride to be loved and cherished? She is an object to be conquered, exactly how Doug Wilson describes it.

    It’s a gross, demeaning, depersonaling way to treat a life partner. There is no partnership here. It’s all about the penis.

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  7. I didn’t grow up in a Christian home, although I am one now. I’ve read quite a bit about these horrible non biblical beliefs that some people believe in. I do believe that sex should be saved for marriage but the most important thing is to TEACH your daughters about sex through out the growing up years. It needs to be age appropriate as they grow up. No shame, tell them that they can come to you with any questions and that you will always answer them honestly. Parents need to be there for their children no matter what they are going through and develop an open, close, caring, loving bond. Why in the world would you throw your daughter into a marriage after making her feel shame about sex and expect it to feel like a blessing to her? I have never heard anything so cruel.
    Another thing that needs to be taught to young people is what to do if they are sexually assaulted. This is where having a close loving relationship is so important. They need to know that you will protect and believe them if they come to you, no matter if it is a pastor, teacher, relative, or anybody. Leaving your kids without a parental safety net is setting your kids up for becoming a victim.
    These people that don’t prepare there children for living in the world will be held accountable. Read the bible for yourself, don’t let other people tell you what’s in it. Wake up.
    It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.
    Luke 17:2
    .

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  9. Susan: Read the bible for yourself, don’t let other people tell you what’s in it. Wake up.

    Isn’t that absolutely spot on. We don’t need a priestly (Catholic) or pastoral (Protestant) caste or elite to tell us what we should and need to read for ourselves.

    I’m not in any way disparaging those who have had time for deeper study and learning of the original languages for example, but the idea of each believer studying and learning doctrine for themselves seems to have got lost. Might threaten the power structures

    Regarding the thread subject, if there were ever a subject where men should keep quiet this is it!

    Talking of Doug Wilson, he recently did a piece on women wearing spandex at the gym. Why is that his concern? I know some women dress to incite lust, but I couldn’t help thinking that a middle-aged man discussing this was strange – shouldn’t his wife have done this, and that he was blaming women for a male problem if men don’t know how to handle this. There seems to be tendency for his constituency to be getting ever more bizarre.

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  10. Just wow… As a third generation ex SDA, I’m glad I stumbled over this site.

    I may not post much or stay long but am feeling particularly spiritually homeless, again… I suppose it’s because the “Feasts of St. Hallmark” are just around the corner.

    Thanks for sharing your story Julie Ann.

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  11. As a third generation, ex SDA, the subject matter of this blog grabbed my attention.

    Although, I’ve not endured the patriarchal physical, sexual or mental abuse that’s existed since the fall of Adam and Eve, I’ve witnessed it devastate, just about every woman I’ve ever known.

    I’m not sure how much I’ll post or how long I’ll stay but with the, “Feasts of St. Hallmark”, just around the corner, I’m definitely feeling spiritually homeless again…

    I take comfort in the fact many here are resilient beloved Children of God and who’s tears, He will soon wipe away from our eyes.

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  12. KAS, that’s the patriarchal system. We saw the fruit in the Josh Duggar trial. Men claim that it is their God-given role to protect women in a cosmic exchange for women’s submission. That’s what patriarchy teaches. However, we saw that Jim Bob Duggar, the spokesman for patriarchy, threw his daughters under the bus by lying under oath to protect his predatory son Josh from justice.

    It’s sold as men protecting women, but in actuality, it’s men subjugating women. Even if you look at the theology, there is nothing women have that men lack, and things that men have that women lack, so patriarchal men can only say that women are Spiritually equal with an asterisk.

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  16. Use of tampons would also act as a test for Vaginissimus – a painful vaginal spasm which seems to be common in Christianese Purity Culture. I remember some horror stories about Wedding Night Vaginissimus in YouTube comment threads about Christianese Purity Culture.

    The YouTube video was from a woman raised in Purity Culture who discovered the hard way (on wedding night after Christianese Courtship) that she had Vaginissimus. Upon the touch, her vagina locked up TIGHT. Very, VERY Painful. Fortunately, she had a decent husband who recognized this as a serious medical condition and helped her through the treatment and therapy.

    One of the comments in the thread wasn’t so lucky. I do not remember whether this comment was first-person or third-person (describing a friend’s experience), but it was another case of Christianese Purity Culture and Courtship with Wedding Night Vaginissimus. Except Purity Culture had so stoked this husband on either The Beauty of Complementarity or being bribed to save himself for marriage with promises of Dynamite SEX on the first night and resulting pent-up fantasies that when she spasmed, He Forced Himself On Her and started Penetrating/Colonizing/Conquering/Planting with “I HAD TO WAIT ALL THOSE YEARS! I’M GETTING SOME!”

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  17. My understanding was that virginity simply meant you hadn’t had sex; breaking the hymen was expected to happen your first time, but if horseriding or tampons did it, it wouldn’t change your status as a virgin.

    But then how can the father or husband Virtue-Signal with the bloody bedsheets? Or Virtue SIgnal by honor-killing if she doesn’t bleed?

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  18. It’s sold as men protecting women

    Which is important to a lot of guys.
    Makes us feel like the Big Hero, if only in our own minds.

    I’m very familiar with “The Fluttershy Effect” among male Bronies, and in pencil/paper/funny-dice gaming I’ve always had a soft spot for “rescue the Damsel in Distress” scenarios. Only there & then I KNEW it was a theatrical convention/dramatic shtick.

    These MenaGAWD don’t. They’re Live Action Role-Playing it like a serial killer making his victim read from their script.

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  19. I still can’t understand why evangelical religious cultures are so obsessed with virginity.
    Why is sex such a big deal and a deal breaker for them?

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  20. It is bizarre, Muff, they can have a host of other ongoing sins and yet the focus is on sex. But in reality, I say that if someone is that focused on sex, mark and avoid, that’s probably only a small indication of other legalistic tendencies.

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  21. they can have a host of other ongoing sins and yet the focus is on sex.

    Because Christians are just as screwed-up sexually as the rest of us, they just show it differently. And obsessively.

    (Like the guy who wrote the Malleus Maleficarium; a lot of that book is about witches magickally stealing men’s shlongs and JUICY descriptions of demon/witch sex.)

    I say that if someone is that focused on sex, mark and avoid,

    I’d figure they’re a male nymphomaniac but won’t admit to it.

    Because only a total nymphomaniac is that focused on and obsessed with Pelvic Issues.

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  23. It is bizarre, Muff, they can have a host of other ongoing sins and yet the focus is on sex.

    Because those Pelvic Issues are the OTHER Guy’s sins, NOT Mine.

    Like a sexual predator Virtue-Signalling about how he’s anti-smoking (actual example in my experience).

    “BLAME CANADA!
    BLAME CANADA!
    BEFORE ANYONE CAN THINK OF BLAMING US!”
    — South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut

    In practice, The Unpardonable Sin is “Whatever YOU Do that I Don’t”.
    Coup Counted.

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  25. The whole thing was just bizarre, Nyssa. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it. And knowing that my eldest never wore a tampon until she was 21 and out of the home. I can’t even . . . ugh!

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  26. If I were a woman with a husband who tried to insist that my daughter not use tampons (from the main article up-top) over some silly ‘virginity’ thing, I would have told him it’s none of his goddamn business.

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  28. @NyssaOfTheFuzzyFeet:

    In my circles, the big Debate was what counted as sex besides PIV, so you’d know how far was “too far.”

    With all the seriousness and intent of lawyers searching for LOOPHOLE! LOOPHOLE! LOOPHOLE!

    One obvious workaround is to use an “alternative orifice” like the Garfunkel & Oates song of the same name — “Loophole!”.

    Another is Douggie ESQUIRE of Vision Forum and “I did not know that woman in the Biblical sense”. The workaround act he used to do on is Commander’s Handmaid – “Cum Showers” – I have ONLY heard of in the context of Pornography, where as a “money shot” it shows off the Manly Man’s amount of Precious Bodily Fluids. Nowhere else. Nowhere outside of Porn — until that ManaGAWD.

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  29. The quote you posted Julie Anne, of Doug Wilson’s words pertaining to male/female relationships, sounds nothing short of war/pure hell on earth so to speak. His words speak nothing of Jesus Christ and the literal fruits of His Spirit.

    It is like living under the Biden regime, slowly losing our God given freedoms that we cherish in providing for our families. As a farmer, mother, and faithful follower of Jesus who is the only Pastor that I seek as my Teacher, Rabbi, and personal LORD and Savior, I believe that we have been manipulated, marginalized, and brainwashed into believing that other entities, whether environmental, societal, and governmental (ESG), have replaced the freedom that we have in Christ. C’hurch pew sitters and defenders often bear witness to defending their gods, whether political (government), societal (black lives matter more than all others, oy vey……..down the road on another farm, there was an equally important sign displayed and it stated “White Wives Matter”), business (Blackrock and Vanguard own most of america…..and how does that matter…….IT DOES MATTER), and religion……the c’hurches of this world have led us to believe that we are not even fit for the heavenly realms if we do not give our hard earned money to them, the c’hurch establishment, the whore p’astors who believe that preaching is earning an honest living……check out the words of the Apostle Paul, the funding of enormous c’hurch buildings, c’hurch recreation centers, c’hurch homes for the priviledged whore p’astors and their families, funding for tarred parking lots/emasculate landscaping, and let us not forget the c’hurch phallus symbol…..the steeple which mimics the washington monument (after all, does not all of the world worship the penis??? Ah, yes!), and all of the salaries of c’hurch folk that lead us to believe they are serving a god of their own understanding. Brainwashing 101.

    And those of us who do not bow down and worship this beast system designed by man, for man, and to worship man (and yes, there are women who lust after this same power and glory for themselves), are persecuted in such a fashion that is more slimy than the spit from my son’s dog.

    How many of us have heard the verse from c’hurch leaders, individuals who claim to be “more spirital” (spiritual mothers and fathers have been lorded over many of us in the synagogue of satan), or perhaps at a women’s bible study where we gossip about our neighbors and slander each other when we leave the premises……and Jesus said, “Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under your feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” Matthew 7:6

    I have heard this from baptist and ass-embly of god (aog) women and men. Much to their credit, they do quote the verse eloquently, however, do they truly understand the precepts in which Jesus quoted this to the religious folk of His day?

    I have witnessed the destruction of state (government, and many a religious whore has condemned trump, yet remains silent on the same slough creature biden), in controlling the masses to their own destruction (decided it was time to get off of my farmer ass and learn how to preserve food for the state, business, and religious hatred to be poured out on followers of Jesus……and yes, that would be me……my tractors, trucks, combines and such, are soon to be an enemy of the state and its indoctrinated woke-sters due to the false narrative of climate change propaganda and indoctrination…..don’t get me started!).

    We live in a day and an age when the Gospel of Christ Jesus is so valued amongst us, and His Freedoms, and His Ways…..they are none like no other! My sermons in my home regarding the fact that women and men, men and women, are EQUAL; for there is no lording it over the other according to the teaching of the King of this world, Christ Jesus. And yet, my teaching falls on deaf ears.

    When standing in the long lines at Walmart, and hearing c’hurch folks bitch and complain about how they are inconvenienced, yes, both men and women bitch that they are to wait in line, there are those who say, “perhaps this is Jesus’s Way of teaching us His Patience (one of the many fruits of His Spirit :)”, for this will come in handy in the days to come as a Witness to Him!” And those few who say “AMEN!” are but a solemn minority.

    Call me swine…..for I consider it an honor in this day and age of c’hurch prostitutes who have pledged their allegiance to other entities rather than Christ Jesus. BTW…..have been bullyed for eating pork at the local baptist c’hurch down the road in rural america………guess they are wearing clothing constructed of two fibers as well, according to their law of moses which consists of 613. Oy vey, oy vey, oh my goodness!!!

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  30. It is like living under the Biden regime, slowly losing our God given freedoms that we cherish in providing for our families.

    Katy.
    Last time I heard a line like that, it was Persecution Porn linked with Trump Worship.

    Which I have heard WAY too much of in the past several years.

    This keeps reminding me of the two archetypes of the Antichrist: The Fanatic Persecutor (Anti as in Against/Opposing) and The Slick Deceiver (Anti as in Imitation Of), and how the two work very well together as a tag team — in fleeing the Fanatic Persecutor, you take refuge with (and the Mark of) the Slick Deceiver. And how the Slick Deceiver archetype is all but forgotten these days.

    There’s actually a book out titled “Donald J Trump — The Son of Man — the Christ” whose subject is just what the title says. Search for the title on Amazon if you don’t believe me.

    P.S. Some time I’ve got to tell you about what your c’ reminds me of. It’s a somewhat-long tale involving glottal stops and a now-forgotten offbeat Sci-Fi writer of the Fifties and Sixties who is acknowledged as a Christian by everyone EXCEPT the Christians.

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  31. There’s only one practical and real-world reason I can think of as to why virginity was (and still is) so crucial in patriarchal cultures. If the female can be shown to be a chaste virgin (and stays that way) when being considered for marriage, the male of the union can be pretty much assured that any progeny from the union will be his and not some other dude’s.
    Very important when name and inheritance issues are factored in.

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  32. This story is sad Julie, and virginity testing is horrible, but what about Deut 22? Virginity testing is condoned here and the girl is put in a tight spot if she doesn’t bleed.

    What about virginity checking and killing non-virgins in war, like Israel did?

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  33. This is Katy. I have been literally and figuratively attacked by an individual who labels itself as “headless unicorn guy.” An oxymoron in an of itself. Due to the fact that I am a literal born again believer in Christ Jesus, with Jesus, Himself, influencing me as the One and Only true Pastor/Shepherd that has ever walked these dirt paths as I have…..literally, I truly believe that you and I are at odds.
    Because of my faith in the Son of GOD and the Son of man, I will choose the high road in your personal attack of me……the high road……a genuflect upon a personal experience…….remembrance upon walking my bean field which was purchased by my spouse…….alone…….walking each row, pulling out by hand, no farm gloves included as they do not offer much grip, tugged and pulled out the milkweed takeover of that field. It was beyond pathetic……the milkweed plans reproduces prolifically and literally kills the bean plants by sucking out the water and necessary nutrients from producing a healthy bean plant. A weed can kill and destroy the health and well being of a healthy plant that provides goodness and health to an individual and to others (community ……which abusive liberals and conservatives love to use and abuse for their self gratification……called “worship” within the constructs of religion, government, and the social structures that pretend to “care,” “Care,” “CARE,” for people, let alone souls.

    You, headless, can cut me down, mock me, and perhaps in your personal prayers/ whatever worship, wish that I were dead and buried due to my faith in Jesus, Alone, for my salvation, or whatever mockery you send my way……..after all…….do not Biden and Trump worshippers have one thing in common………the Nabals of this earth trust and worship politics, the business structure, and the social institutions. The name “nabal” translates into “fool.”

    I personally have had the privilege of interacting with fools. Some have been women, mostly from the baptist and Lutheran c’hurch systems, but the majority have been birthed of men, whom have been sent by the proclamations of their own birthright, ie., “the enemy,” to “minister” and “set me straight” in the worldview of my soul.

    Oh, how my Savior, is weeping in Heaven, awaiting for the appearance of His Saints……for religion, the FALSE religion, has been politicized for the glory of Biden and Trump. The fools put their faith in religion….c’hurches, politics……the three times a bazillion circular structures…..and the social institutions……foster care…..who sexually abused more children……evil in the lowest pits of Sheol.

    My presence on this forum does NOT depend on likes nor dislikes. I have fought the good fight, and am currently fighting the battle of having our children receiving the fake experimental jab, a killer jab, that hates the soul of human beings whom Jesus has created.

    Yes! I will be hated as my LORD Jesus has already witnessed. I accept that and will still honor and follow Him. I wish you, mr. headless, no I’ll will, for that would indicate that little satan wins…….which all of our institutions actually worship…”power over people.
    The “leadership paradigm” is founded upon the precepts of the devil, satan, not upon the literal teachings of Christ Jesus. The good Samaritan ministers wonderfully and perfectly in this day and age.

    And they did not even vote for biden nor trump. My vote…….VOTE SAMARITAN!

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  34. Katy.

    You are sounding more and more fanatical over time.

    Your long-format comments with few if any paragraph breaks are approaching rants.

    You are reciting boilerplate party line about the Satanic Biden regime and COVID vaccinations/”fake experimental/killer jabs”. A Party Line I am very familiar with from the Herman Cain Awards social media traces and encounters with Trump-is-LORD fanatics on other blogs and in person. You are sounding just like them, including the heavy Christianese. And from experience I am suspicious of anyone who uses that much Christianese.

    Comparing this with your comments from several years ago, this seems to have been increasing.

    That is not a good sign.

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  36. Katy, can you please tell me what post from HUG you are referring to? I looked at recent comments and don’t see any directed toward you. Thanks!

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