The Power of a Transformed Wife, Lori Alexander, Marriage, Submission
-by Kathi
This is a book review series of The Power of a Transformed Wife by Lori Alexander. If you are just joining us, you may click on previous chapter reviews to catch up.
Introduction & Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5
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Chapter 6 – Easy Conflict Resolution
I can’t believe Lori actually got an entire chapter out of this topic. Her advice for conflict resolution is this: don’t argue.
That’s it. You’d think with such an “easy” response to conflict resolution she could have ended the chapter with the first paragraph. Alas, we are not so fortunate and must read on.
Lori dreams of pastors preaching about her sage advice of “simply don’t argue” so that people can focus on their roles that God has called them to instead of learning communication skills. She states that there are plenty of verses in the Bible which tell us not to argue yet does not provide one example. Then she goes on to say,
I used to relish a good fight…
Come on, now! Deep down inside Lori still relishes a good fight. The target audience has simply changed from Ken to any reader who would dare challenge her views, or any boogey monsters that would dare challenge God-ordained gender roles (i.e. feminism, women working outside the home, and women pastors).
Lori moves on to tell wives that when the two of you simply cannot agree on anything the husband gets to make the final decision. Because:
This is God’s prescription for arguing, not mine.
Where, Lori, does it say in the Bible that the husband gets the final word on any decisions? I don’t like how Lori easily throws the God card for her answers. This is a crutch answer that is used to shut down conversation.
The chapter finishes out with a long-winded portion from Ken. Let me save you the grief and simply state that Ken wants you to ask yourself if your conflict resolution skills are fleshly or spiritual. Let’s look at a couple of Ken’s profound thoughts:
Imagine what type of relationship your marriage could explode into if you fully threw yourself into the loving arms of your husband and allowed him to lead you and love you.
And:
Until such time, I encourage you to use your biblical and psychological marriage tools to create a semblance of what God wants in a Christian marriage, but don’t for an instant think that there isn’t a much higher plane for those who are willing to seek out a true biblical marriage of a loving husband leading a wife who joyfully submits.
Marriages will explode when a wife joyfully submits. Amazing!
It’s too bad that the only things learned from this chapter are don’t argue, and wives give up everything to your husbands. Communication skills and conflict resolution skills are valuable tools to have in all types of relationships.
Come back for the next chapter on S.E.X.! Oh, I can’t wait.
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.
Spiritual Sounding Board 
I think Ken oopsied. He said Biblical AND psychological marriage tools. Aren’t they against psychology? To some, that would be an oxymoron.
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Here’s a verse for Lori,
“Come let us REASON together.”
Isaiah 1:18
Now the Lori translation would be come, let someone else do the reasoning for you!
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Julie Anne – You would think so, right? I think the point he’s making is whether or not you’re relying on spiritual or “fleshly” guidance on resolving conflict. He think that focusing on “fleshly” measures will only get you so far. I’m assuming he’s meaning psychology at this point. But, he is so long winded by this point that he doesn’t make it easy to stay focused.
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Ken’s assurance of an exploding relationship and marriage (if women follow Lori’s teaching) is probably the only true and accurate statement in this whole book.
There is an epidemic of abused Christian women who are told by the “church”, and so-called experts like the Alexanders, to solve their marital crises by being ever more submissive to their abusive husbands.
These experts mislead desperate wives into hoping that their submissiveness will mollify their controlling, harsh, entitled husbands; that the wives’ misery will be alleviated by groveling. But it just results in further pressure, violence, emotional & verbal outbursts, disapproval and rejection from the abusive husband. THAT is the reality.
explode [ik-splohd]
… to burst violently as a result of pressure from within…fly into pieces, or break up violently… to burst forth violently or emotionally especially with noise, violent speech … to cause to be rejected; destroy the repute of; discredit or disprove…
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Ha! Your little comments are why I’m enjoying this series so much.
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I forgot yoga pants!! Lori relishes a good fight against yoga pants.
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Song of Joy, absolutely. Did you read Leslie Vernick’s article to that ‘pastor’ the other day? She tore him up, in a nicer way than I would have.
Ah, see this tells us a lot about Lori, although not surprising. I have NEVER relished a fight. I hate fights. I love an argument, where everybody is happy though.
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Commanders of Holy Gilead (and their Serena Joys) would agree.
Come back for the next chapter on S.E.X.! Oh, I can’t wait.
“The man Penetrates! Colonizes! Conquers! Plants! The woman lies back and accepts…”
— PASTOR Jerk with the Kirk in Moscow, Idaho
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I feel like I’m gonna have a lot of thoughts on that one.
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@Kathi
Re: yoga pants
I can’t cut and paste the link right now because I’m using my phone to post, but try googling the YouTube video by comedian Tim Hawkins and his song about yoga pants. You can probably use a good laugh after tormenting yourself with Lori’s material 🙂
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Well then if I ever get the chance to publicly debate Lori Alexander or John Piper, I’ll be sure to wear my best pair of yoga pants!!! 😁
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Some of you who are familiar with Lori A’s work say that she often tells anyone who disagrees with her something like, “you’re not disagreeing with me, you’re disagreeing with God.”
I think this page may address that a little bit:
Dismantling The Falsity That Complementarianism Is “Clearly Biblical”
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Re: “Book Review Series – “The Power of a Transformed Wife” – Don’t Argue. It’s That Easy.”
And, “I used to relish a good fight…”
I was brought up in complementarianism. I was taught by my parents that it’s wrong or un-Christlike for girls and women to be assertive and to show anger.
And by nature, I tend to be more of a “get along” type person to start with anyway – I have never been comfortable with fighting and prefer to get along with others. So I’ve never really been the “fighting kind,” and my parents discouraged me from being the “fighting kind.”
To a point this is bad.
It was a bad thing, because I kept attracting abusive or mean people – once selfish people or bullies see that you will not erect boundaries and fight back when they are mean to you or push you around or use you, they will walk all over you.
I pretty much practiced this passive nature with my ex fiance’ as well. I usually bottled up my anger and complaints with him.
The result was a mountain of resentment, and my ex was a selfish boob who didn’t care my needs were not being met in our relationship. My ex only cared that he got his way all the time.
I finally had enough of that and broke up with him (not just for that reason, there were many I dumped him, but that was one).
Lori’s marital advice just comes down to telling women to keep their complaints, concerns, and hopes and wants and needs bottled up, which is exactly how I was taught as a kid, and it only led to heartache and problems for me as a teen and adult. I had to read a bunch of books by therapists to un-do it to arrive at a healthy place in life.
Conflict will always be a part of life, whether it’s in a marriage, on a job, or where ever else… telling women to deal with any and all conflict by just biting their tongue and allowing someone else to get his way all the time is not healthy or good for women. It’s also a view point that infantilizes women.
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This part, by Lori:
I apologize for being a broken record…
But had I married my ex fiance and I followed this advice by Lori, I would presently be naked, broke, homeless and living in a cardboard box under an overpass somewhere. My ex was an idiot.
My ex was dumb as a box of rocks, he was irresponsible – he couldn’t or wouldn’t pay bills on time, was always facing late fees, at least twice I knew him and he moved around, he neglected to pay fees on storage units he was renting, where-by the owners auctioned off his personal possessions that were inside them to pay the fees, etc.
In order to avoid being evicted, homeless, hungry, or receive late fees by the electric companies, land lords and whomever else, I would’ve had to be the “Head” or “Leader” in a marriage to my ex – I was more responsible than he was. My ex was too lazy, dumb, and irresponsible to be dependable.
Complementarianism fails to take several realities into account, one of them being that some men (I said SOME not “all”) are really, really dumb, to the point the woman (who is more intelligent than the particular man she is with) really has no choice but to be the “head” and to be the “vote tie breaker” and whatever else comps bray about.
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Yes Lea, I did read that Leslie Vernick post I Disagree With The Advice To Simply Try Harder. I love what she said:
“Domestic abuse is not a suffer for Jesus moment.”
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Once again. Only focusing on the bad in “men/patriarchy” and not in the overall picture that people should follow Christ, is the fools game that creates evil and unforgiveness in the heart.
Christ came out of a patriarchy “system.” He NEVER once condemned it. He never even condemned polygyny. (That is another topic).
He said clearly HOW to restore it BECAUSE it had issues.
“If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.
(Luk 14:26)”
Women are not “idols” in God’s word. There are wicked women in the bible too.
So it is foolish to be anti-patriarchy and anti-matriarchy because Christ himself died to restore both. HE also died and rose again to restore brotherly and sisterly love.
If that is too complex to understand, then I guess, life is better on another planet.
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“faith of our fathers” hymn song has a lot to do with FATHERS being persecuted for their faith in Christ.
Fathers who were even Jewish…..and others even Gentile.
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Daisy,
Yep. The ultimate cop-out. Not very impressive for someone who claims she “used to relish a good fight”.
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some may focus so heavily on the “Bad” in patriarchy….they miss the bad in the overall picture.
What about the bad in matriarchy homes. You know the ones where the matriarch is so insured by her self-driven life that she gambles off of her husband’s money, she insults her disabled in-laws, she tells the men in the house what to do all the time with consistent anger, she drowns her-self in alcohol each night after picking her children up after day-care, she never visits her neighbor who needed a helping hand after the neighbor’s boyfriend left…….
If one focus so heavily on the bad in “one group” and never see that the insult of that particular “bad” group will never fix the overall redemption for all of man-kind.
BOTH patriarchy AND Matriarchy……and overall brotherly and sisterly love NEEEEEED redemption. They in and of-them-selves are not evil (some Christian women do get abandoned to raise 5+ children on her own)…… The evil is in condemning the right ability for men and women to avoid their own internal angers which would have never been set-free had it not been for the work on the cross.
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The whole notion of the husband having the “tie breaker vote” is just ridiculous.
For one thing, the language is deceiving; in a group of two, it basically means that he always gets to be the boss and the wife has no say (unless it is a decision that he doesn’t care about and he simply delegates the decision to her).
For another thing, it is also a cop-out for women who don’t want to be adults and have to make adult decisions and take responsibility for the outcomes of their decisions.
Finally, two mature adults who both have the best interest of their family in mind should be able to come to a consensus. Coming to a consensus does not always mean that you will always agree on everything, but it means that as a couple, you come to a decision that you are both OK with. In seven years of marriage with my awesome husband, there has never been a time when we were not able to come to a consensus on a major decision. Not that we are perfect or that we always agree, but we both respect each other enough to not make a decision that the other one finds unacceptable.
Mutual respect and kindness, anyone? Perhaps that is what the book of Ephesians means when it says to “submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”
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Re: “you’re not disagreeing with me, you’re disagreeing with God.”
Agreed, this is the biggest cop-out ever, and it’s also a common tactic that bully preachers and teachers use to intimidate and silence anyone who would disagree with them.
I remember hearing phrases like that shouted from the pulpit as a child. The pastor at my former church that we left a year ago used to say stuff like that too. At first I accepted it, but then I realized it was just a cheap excuse to shut down discussion. My former pastor also used to say, “don’t follow your heart, follow God’s word.” That sounds really good and “Biblical” but in reality it means, “don’t think for yourself, stifle your conscience and the Holy Spirit, and do whatever I tell you the Bible means.”
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Indeed. I’m pretty sure either person being dictatorial and unkind is antithetical to everything else that is recommended for Christians.
I grew up thinking that ‘tie breaker’ thing was basically the whole of this submission business and now as an adult it seems clear that it is ridiculous. Someone twisting their partners arm to get their way is not good for a relationship. Period. I agree with you, consensus, and decisions that are guided by mutual love and affection for the other person are the only thing that will not cause resentment. Lori’s solution is just ‘wave away’ any resentment when you aren’t treated well. I don’t think that works.
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Quality wrote,
““faith of our fathers” hymn song has a lot to do with FATHERS being persecuted for their faith in Christ.”
For hundreds of years, both men and women have been persecuted for their faith. While we honor their legacy of courage—-that has nothing to do with patriarchy which is a violation of the first commandment. There’s a huge logical fallacy the idea that the history of persecuted Christians means women can’t exercise the Fruit of the Spirit (self control) which means having control over yourself—-the exact opposite of patriarchy.
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Wary Witness,
Great points. Totally agree with you that the Bible never said anything about the tie breaking vote. It said,
“How can two walk together unless they be agreed?”
Amos 3:3
NOT how can two walk together unless one constantly makes all the choices for the other!
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The way that patriarchy is taught in the church always takes away the ability of women to make their own personal decisions as adults. Why? Because the devil has been trying to stop the gifts and talents that God gave women ever since Eve became the first believer in Christ in the Garden of Eden when God gave her the promise that her seed would crush the head of the serpent. The devil heard that prophecy and ever since then has tried to silence and shut down women because he knows that we are God’s secret weapon to shut down the devil’s plans. That’s why the devil works so hard trying to get us to doubt our discernment and follow everyone else’s lead when the only thing that the Bible told us to follow is Christ and the leading of the Holy Spirit.
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When Jesus walked the Earth, the system of patriarchy would NOT allow women to speak in the synagogue because people actually believed that “the voice of a woman is filthy nakedness.” Yet Jesus defied that system when He let women speak in front of the very religious leaders who taught that it was a shame for women to speak in church. (Luke 13). When the leaders complained, Jesus rebuked them!
Then Jesus went further and made the synagogue leader wait. Stand, wait and listen to a woman talk for a pretty long time when he was in a big hurry instead of silencing the woman so he could fulfill the leaders request first. (Luke 8). That spoke volumes to everyone about how Jesus felt about cultural norms that silenced women.
Then Jesus allowed Mary to defy patriarchal culture by leaving the women only area of the house to sit at His feet and learn with the male disciples. And Jesus rebuked Martha for trying to make her return to the kitchen!
Plus Jesus fought the double standards of patriarchy when He shocked the disciples by telling them that men could commit adultery by divorcing their wives for frivolous reasons. This was a culture that believed that women could be accused of committing adultery if they were seen talking to another man in public but men could sleep with as many women as they wanted and be innocent as long as they weren’t sleeping with a married woman. Then they would only be sinning against the woman’s husband. Jesus shattered those double standards by telling the disciples that it was possible for men to commit adultery. No wonder, the disciples were totally shocked at this! How many more examples would you like of how Jesus shattered the double standards of patriarchy?
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Quality wrote that Jesus “He never even condemned polygyny.” (Polygamy)
YES HE DID!!!
When Jesus was asked about marriage (Matthew 19:4-6 BSB)
Jesus answered, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother (singular NOT plural) and be united to his wife (singular NOT plural) and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two (not three or four) but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Jesus is directly attacking polygamy by referring to one man and one woman NOT saying that God joins one man to three women!
In fact the very first time polygamy is mentioned in the Bible, it is a violent sinful act. Lamech TAKES away two wives. The Hebrew implies a violent taking instead of giving her a choice to marry him. (Genesis 4).
Then Lamech brags about killing a man. Some Bible scholars believe that Lamech killed the lady’s husband so he could kidnap her. Polygamy was NEVER Gods will but only another SINFUL part of patriarchy. By the way, right before the flood comes, God is pretty upset about how the men are marrying lots of wives and the Earth is filled with violence.
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Quality wrote,
“If that is too complex to understand, then I guess, life is better on another planet.”
Quality, please don’t insult our intelligence by saying that. The truth is that we totally understand your message. We understand and disagree. We understand exactly what you were doing—-trying to get us to doubt our own discernment by saying that we aren’t as smart as you.
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To Quality who said,
What Christian gender complementarian churches or denominations are preaching “pro matriarchy”?
All the churches and denominations I am familiar with teach male supremacy (but claim all the while they “value women as having equal worth to men”).
But please, Quality, cite the names of any churches or denominations you know of who promote a “biblical / Christian matriarchy gender role” view.
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Quality said
Are you sure you want to go there? Because Jesus also did not specifically condemn abortion, check forgery, child molesting, bank robbery, or cheating on college algebra tests.
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Wary Witness said,
I don’t think I was quite as arrogant as Lori A. when in my younger days, but when I was younger, and I read the Bible in a certain way (somewhat flatly literal); I used to pretty much hold to that same view – that is, if you’re disagreeing with my view about topic X, you are disagreeing with God or the Bible, because the Bible plainly says Z, Y, and Q about X.
Now that I’m older, I realize that my interpretation on some points in the Bible may be in error, so I try to be a little more humble about it.
One danger or problem with this, though, is that IMO, folks on the liberal side often go to far in the other direction as well, to twist and distort the Bible to say whatever they want it to say (or they will ignore passages that contradict their favorite views), if they feel it supports whatever the latest Social Justice Warrior cause is.
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Quality said,
I’ve never seen anyone at this blog declare, imply, or think that women are “idols.”
The problem is, complementarians and Christian patriarchalists, due to their teachings and attitudes about men and women, deify men.
Complementarians make men into little gods, with some going so far as to stating that the man is the intermediary between a wife and God, when the Bible says there is only ONE High Priest between a human and God, that one person being Jesus Christ.
BTW, I really don’t find your arguments very good, Quality. Are you just trolling us and playing around?
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Quality said,
I ask in all seriousness – when you write posts to this blog, are you under the influence? Are you inebriated?
Are you 102 years old and new to the internet? I have an elderly uncle who only got online about four years ago, and the guy was rather confused about it when he first began using it.
I don’t even know what that post of yours was getting at.
Are you suggesting that no Christian girls or women have ever been martyred for the faith, even though there have been in fact girls and women killed for being Christ followers?
Link: 20 Christian Women Who Died as Martyrs
From Hebrews Ch 11 (The Hall of Faith Fame), there are women listed among the men:
The phrase “Faith of the Fathers” is not citing or implying that God feels only men should lead the church, or that men should have authority over women. But then, I’m not sure why you even mentioned that.
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It’s easier to rant against things nobody said (like saying we are somehow pro matriarchy) then to actually engage with the topic.
Saying women should be allowed to have a voice and conversation with their husband rather than just shutting up and doing what he says is a far cry from pretty much everything quality says . Although I’m sure he agrees with Lori, because he thinks patriarchy is awesome, although he’s laid out no real arguments on that point.
Assertion is not an argument.
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One of the aspects I find fascinating within the complementarian culture of religion, is the fact that every complementarian man or woman I have had the displeasure of knowing within the visible church, is indeed, an individual who loves to fight, argue, revile, while enjoying to revel in the dissension they have caused. These individuals LOVE to argue and when they are approached by those of us who preach the “ground at the foot of the Cross is an even playing field, not one of hierarchy,” the claws, the fangs, and the jezebel quotes from the Scriptures are twisted like licorice to destroy your soul, your family, your work, and worst of all, your faith in Jesus, the Christ, Who alone is your personal Savior above the lofty teachings of man/woman complementarians.
And when I share that I have seen women leading others (of both genders I might add) to Christ by sharing the non-gendered Gospel, I find it rather amazing how unglued the complementarian mindset becomes; and the end result…..they want to pick an argument with me. One of hierarchy.
I’m wondering what Lori believes concerning the woman who has lost her husband and is now widowed or divorced, at whatever age. If the woman cannot function in working, operating a household, and managing a family without the assistance of a man in making every day decisions, how then can she function in society? Is she then required to run and find another man, so she can function under his authority? In many households across this nation, our daughters and sons are being taught the same things, how to function living on your own before you marry, because you can’t count on someone else to tell you how to live….they aren’t going to volunteer to pay your bills. I haven’t witnessed one complementarian man within the church complex, willing to pay the medical bills of the single woman who lost her job. Oh no,
they send her over to the government office for assistance and boast and brag during “praise and blessing time” what an asset they are to ‘the c’hurch.’ So much for the New Testament Ekklesia at work.
I pray people do not listen to Lori A.
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@Lea:
Other than the one which trumps all others:
“I HAVE A PENIS!”
“A lie, repeated often enough, becomes the Truth.”
— Reichsminister Josef Goebbels
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@Katy:
You mean Serena Joy lecturing to the Handmaids?
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Quality – For now, I’m leaving a couple of your comments in moderation because your continued discussion of polygamy is way off topic on this thread. The topic at hand is how Lori Alexander views conflict and how Ken Alexander continues to exhort women to joyfully submit in all things to their husbands. I welcome your comments as they relate to the dangerous teachings of Lori Alexander.
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HUG – On another blog I’ve seen Lori referred to as Aunt Lori.
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Upon hearing or reading these kinds of teachings, I have learned to check in with my heart. Does the instruction overflow with the fullness of the truth, or does it reek of half-truth or untruth? Do the words bring peace and contentment, or do they churn up doubt or confusion or feel demeaning?
It’s when doubt, fear or diminishment rear their ugly heads that I know that something has been twisted… Then it’s time to identify the falsehood as well as the ones promoting it, say ‘no’ and back away.
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Admin note: Quality is permanently banned. His/her comments are dangerous, pro-patriarchy, pro-polygamy, against counseling. The comments have my head spinning and are not helpful or healthy for survivors. I’d have to issue trigger warnings for each comment. Quality makes this place unsafe, so Quality is done here. I also noticed that Quality only posts on articles referring to Lori, so that makes us suspicious that he/she is a Lori fan and is trolling the blog.
Carry on! ~ja
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Thank you, Julie Anne and Kathi!
Kathi,
Really appreciate all the work you’re doing on this series. This is fun. Totally looking forward to your review of the next chapter!!!
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@Daisy:
“If you question what I say to you
YOU REBEL AGAINST THE FATHER TOO!”
— Steve Taylor, “I Manipulate”
“Build your Kingdom with a cattle prod;
Tell the masses it’s a Message from GOD;
Where the innocent congregate,
I MANIPULATE.”
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