Pedophile, Wife of Pedophile, Sex Abuse
Today I am posting a personal story from a woman named Cindy who left a comment yesterday on the 3-1/2-year-old article, Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles, which has continued to reach women who are searching for support.
Her comment was posted at 4AM on the West Coast the day after Christmas. It got me wondering . . . maybe Cindy lives on the East Coast and was posting this in the quiet hours of 1AM after a pleasant Christmas day (the story ends on a positive note). What struck me was that she posted this around the time where families are gathered for the holidays. Perhaps she, too, was reminiscing of Christmases past, of what it was like when their family appeared to be whole and happy. But obviously she also thought about the pain and felt at liberty to share that with us the process of getting to acceptance and peace with herself and her family. The memories of living through the destruction that pedophilia brings to a family doesn’t ever entirely leave. And maybe that’s why Cindy shared her story – to personally acknowledge what she went through, to share it in a safe place where others who have walked in her shoes can also identify.
Although this story is not about abuse in church, this is about abuse that many families go through. How can the church connect with these hurting families and support them? I share these stories because pedophilia is yucky and disgusting. It’s easier to walk away and let someone else deal with it. The reality is that being the wife of a pedophile is a lonely place. Once the pedophile is discovered, their family will never be the same. They don’t need to walk this path alone.
Being the wife of a pedophile is a difficult place to be. The sexual abuse brought on by the perpetrator is only the beginning of the harm. The abuse extends to the spouse, immediately family, extended family, and friends because of the lies, coverup, grooming, manipulation.
In a family, the abuse may remain quiet for years, while the victims live in a silent prison of painful memories. After the exposure of sexual abuse, there are differing responses: disbelief, shame, denial, sadness, anger, etc. And just like other forms of abuse, not everybody sees it as abuse at the same time. There is a process. This process can tear families apart. You can see that in Cindy’s story.
In Cindy’s story, we read about what it was like for her as she came to grips with her husband’s secret life of committing sexual crimes against children and how it affected the relationships in her family and extended family.
My hope is that in sharing this, you will have greater insight of the challenges of pedophilia in a family. Perhaps one day you will meet the wife or relative of a pedophile, and because of this story, you will have greater understanding and be able to offer a listening ear and encouragement.
Please be forewarned. The content of Cindy’s story is of sexual nature and may be triggering to those who have experienced sexual abuse.
Cindy’s Story
I was married to a man for 20 years and had dated him for 2 before we married. When we meet I was 27 and he was 44. I had the daughters, one 8, one 5, and one 9 months old. I was so in love with him, he took such good care of me and my daughters.
We moved in right before we married and all was so good. When my youngest was 3 right after we married, he started bathing her in the afternoons before I got home from work. I asked him to not do that anymore because it just didn’t feel right, and he stopped and I never really thought of it again.
After several years together, he started wanting to role play during sex. In the beginning it was ok to do every now and then It was when he wanted me to be a teenager, and we would laugh about our age difference and what would have happened if we met when I was that young. It became the only way he wanted to have sex and the age kept getting younger. I told him that I just couldn’t do that anymore, my girls were getting older and it bothered me. So our sex life became nonexistent.
The two older girls grew up and moved out. The youngest got pretty rebellious and got pregnant at 15. She had a beautiful little girl; they lived with us until my daughter graduated from high school.
When my granddaughter was around 2, my husband’s niece accused him of molesting her sister when they were little girls. The sister told her mom that he didn’t do anything to her and she didn’t know why her sister was saying that, so we all just moved along and forgot that too.
When my granddaughter was 3, almost 4, my daughter had trouble finding day care so the granddaughter stayed with us a lot. He was retired and I worked nearby, so he would keep her during the day. After a couple of months, my daughter quit bringing her and would not talk to me.
Finally, after a few weeks, she contacted me one morning and said that he had molested my granddaughter. Well I just could not imagine that. In another week the police asked us to come in and talk with them. At this point I almost had a nervous breakdown. There were these old things that had happened that kept playing in my mind, but him being the manipulator, he always explained things away. And mostly I believed him because he and my older daughters never had gotten along well.
It was almost Easter and I called my mom to see what to bring, and she wouldn’t talk to me either. All I knew was that they said he did something to my granddaughter, I had no idea what it was because no one would talk to me so I assumed that nothing had really happened.
One full year went by with no word from my family or from the police department, so I assumed there was nothing to it. My husband needed a knee replacement so he went in for surgery and ended up going into afib and was in ICU for a week. The day after I brought him home from the hospital, the sheriff’s department showed up at our door really late that night and said he had been indicted on 5 counts of aggravated sexual assault of a child. I was just blown away, he was in jail for a week but was released with a reduced bond due to his health.
They kept moving the trial date as they do in criminal court a lot. We went to trial in July of 2015. Seeing my family there was one of the hardest things. I was still in denial, I testified on his behalf. He was found guilty of 3 of the aggravated sexual assault charges, as well as indecency with a child by exposure and another indecency charge. He was given the highest sentence because even with the lowest one it would mean life in prison for him. He was 66 at the time of the trial. He went immediately to jail and His attorney immediately filed an appeal.
We kept in touch regularly, but deep inside me this whole time i was just so unsure of everything. I loved my granddaughter so much. My heart was broken. Through out all this time, I had relied on my Faith and asked God daily to give me the wisdom to know the truth, I stayed so agitated and depressed.
In December of last year, my sister-in-law called and told me that her oldest daughter was in counseling because she was remembering my husband molesting her when she was little, and the other daughter said she was having dreams and remembering him molesting her. I felt like that was God giving me the answer I needed. I waited until he called from prison and told him that I was divorcing him and cut off his phone calls and wrote him to tell him he could not contact me.
In the last year, I divorced him. I got my family back and I am so thankful. I dealt with the ones who blamed me, wondering how could I let that happen. I’ve dealt with those who couldn’t look me in the eye, and I certainly have had supporters that I am so thankful for.
I have learned that he groomed me and tried to groom my daughters. He called them into the bathroom when he was showering to ask them to get him a towel. He walked around the house naked at night and sometimes with an erection. He had my oldest daughter model her swimsuit for him, using the excuse that he needed to see if it looked decent.
He is now in prison for life. And my family, it’s healing.
Spiritual Sounding Board 
Thank you for posting this. I am amazed at how often the victims are made to feel like liars while abusers are given excuses for their sinful acts.
Cindy, You are brave to share your story and I pray the Lord will set all captives free because The Truth does set us free. ((hugs to the many victims))
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Reblogged this on Speakingtruthinlove's Blog.
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I’ve been shocked twice in my life when I found out that someone I thought I knew well was a pedophile. One was the husband of a friend, and the other was a co-worker. No one knew until the victims spoke up.
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Love and best wishes for your future Cindy-you are so brave and an inspiration. My ex is waiting to be sentenced and I have no contact with him. I am still going through conflicted feelings about him but know that not having contact is the right thing to do-it’s been 18 months since his arrest. I haven’t told my elderly father and one of my brothers about his crimes and have had no contact with them since his arrest. I feel like I won’t be supported by them. My other two brothers have been wonderful.
The old saying about child molesters being the last person you’d suspect is so true. I am still coming to grips with my ex’s crimes. He is facing many charges including rape and there are many victims who feel they can speak out after many, many years.
Thank you so very much Julie Anne. I don’t feel so alone any more, Your insight and care are truly remarkable and you’ve made such a positive impact on my life-I can’t really put it in words. It’s because of you and the brave women that share their story that I hold on to in my darkest times.
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As hard as it may be, the victims and others who know (and those who intentionally hide knowledge of these crimes because the abuser could be a relative or friend, and in many states/countries these people can be treated as “accessories”) must speak out. The victim is the main casualty, and should always be, but by being brave and revealing the incidents, there is every reason, backed up by statistics and personal experience(s), that more victims will come forward, ensuring that the abuser receives the earthly justice that he/she deserves. And it could be about saving lives, for sure!
These evil deeds must not go unpunished since the abuser will simply continue on his/her evil path.
The many tears that will flow by revealing these evil acts, will not ease the personal pain and heartache and betrayal, but it will and may protect another victim, one that has been molested, or one that’s going to be molested. Strangely, this step by the abused will eventually help with healing. As Christians, we know that the ultimate revenge is God’s, but criminal laws are criminal laws for a reason.
Cindy and the many women like her are amazingly brave, and their actions make it easier for the victims–the abused–to pick up the many pieces and carry on with their lives.
Love and blessings to you, Cindy. May God wrap you in His love and care. Thank you for sharing here on SSB (there is no better place!)
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Oh, Jen, the feeling of being alone has got to be one of the most painful feelings. I’m so glad you have felt supported here. (JA can hardly text this message because of the tears.). Thank you, Jen, for letting me know.
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Thank you so much, Julie Anne and Cindy. It is so important to shine the light on these people who thrive in darkness and secrecy. It’s so important to speak when you’re ready, as hard as that can seem at first. And it’s so important to have a supportive community when you do speak. Social media is a gift from God in that way.
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People always think: “I can spot a child molester.” But they can’t.
My ex-husband was smart, funny, energetic, and loved going to church. We were Sunday school leaders who were in charge of planning the fun get-togethers. Everyone knew he was the life of the party. At church he spoke on marriage enrichment topics. When he talked with you, you felt you were really important. He asked tons of questions and seemed very interested. It was all part of his grooming.
Forget what you think a child molester is (a dark, brooding loner with a beard). Those guys got put in prison years ago. The bright manipulative ones who are hard to catch are still on the loose.
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Dear Cindy,
Thank you for courageously sharing your story. After my own experience and speaking to countless former partners of pedophiles, I have discovered that while the details of our stories may differ somewhat, the dynamics of our relationship with the perpetrator are very similar. Indeed, Solomon was right, there is nothing new under the sun and perpetrators are not very creative.
I am happy that you are finding freedom and healing and that you are a part of our community. Thank you Julie Anne for continuing to foster a healing community that gives voice to the pain of victims. We are overcoming!
Hugs,
Brenda
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I found this blog because my therapist wanted me to research pedophilia since I have been in denial my ex is one. It seems in many instances the wife is the last one to know or admit this about their spouse. I will admit that he is heading in that direction, but not that he is one.
He was the ecclesiastical leader of our congregation when the police showed up at our door nearly 3 years ago. I was home alone and was in utter shock at the things they were telling me. Disgusting things I didn’t want to believe were true, but yet I had known something was wrong. The media blitz that followed was unbearable. Of course there were lies told to cover up the truth, but I kept that truth a secret for a very long time. It never went to trial because the teenage boy was in another country. We were treated as outcasts in our congregation. I felt like I was being shamed and punished for his transgressions.
A lot has happened since that time — I divorced because he never would own he had a problem and was verbally and emotionally abusive. Three years later he still flirts with chatting with young boys online — and I am still in denial. But thanks to reading the other stories shared here, I can start to face the truth. I feel such guilt for leaving a God-based marriage and this keeps me stuck. I try to have compassion for the childhood he went through, having been the victim of sexual abuse by an older boy. Why couldn’t I stand by him and see him through it? The truth is, he can’t face it and won’t get help and now I fear he will return to abusing. It really makes me sick. It’s hard to face the truth, but I can see that I need to accept it for me to move on.
Fake
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Louise,
With deep love and respect, do you really believe (are told to believe) that your marriage was a God-based one? Maybe, you should have another look at that statement…with a clear mind. That might be just the thing that is keeping you in these shackles. Remember, it’s God ABOVE marriage, dear Louise.
You should feel no guilt for leaving that marriage, none at all. You honored God more by leaving than you ever would have had had you decided to stay to please an institution and the opinions and judgments of mere people.
You were abused too (treated like a criminal for what he did, etc. and for not being treated as a wife in any shape or form (he preferred boys over YOU?).
Be assured that you’ll be loved and accepted on this blog, at any time, in any circumstances. What you’ve gone through is horrible, but what lies ahead is a beautiful freedom, in Jesus, and in real friends. Hang in there, won’t you?
Hugs and blessings, Louise.
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Louise, my heart goes out to you, especially that you were shamed and shunned for someone else’s sin. I hope it’s ok with Julie Anne for me to recommend the community at A Cry for Justice, where you can read and talk with others who are working through issues with abusive spouses–primarily domestic, but also pedophilia and other issues of sexual abuse. You’ll find them at http://www.cryingoutforjustice.com.
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Rebecca, yes that site with Barbara and Jeff is also good. Thanks for the input, and thanks for welcoming Louise with compassion and true care (but that’s the way SSB readers are, not so?).
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Cindy, thank you so much for bravely sharing your story. I hope you find healing and peace here.
Your comment about “grooming” really struck me. My ex’s addiction was porn. It just hit me that he groomed me, too, along with all the other mind games. You’ve given me much to ponder.
Louise, I just can’t comprehend how any marriage with a pedophile who is actively abusing children could be considered “God-based.” Remember that Jesus himself said adultery is a reason for divorce. Even if your husband is having sex with minors, he’s still committing adultery. I hope you can find the strength to face the information you have and deal with it. It’s not easy to wade through that muck, but it’s worth the trip.
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Reblogged this on GBFSV SPIRITUAL ABUSE VICTIMS' RECOVERY.
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Dearest Louise,
My heart breaks at reading your story and the pain that you still are feeling. I understand completely and agree with Boston Lady that your marriage was in no way “God-based.” One of the most gruesome aspects of recovery is evaluating all of one’s marriage through the lens of pedophilia or perpetrating behavior. You indicated that you “knew something was wrong.” But often that is all we partners know–that something is off. Certainly we do not know that our partner is abusing children.
Your therapist is right on in suggesting that you research the topic. Indeed, that is how I came to SSB a number of years ago. It helps to read the stories of other women who have experienced what we have–there is power in personal narrative. You can find my story at A Solitary Journey (or just click on my hyper-linked name above).
I’m glad you are out of your marriage and poised to begin healing from this devastating betrayal. This is a safe community that I can personally vouch for. If you want to talk, Julie Anne will provide you my contact information.
Hugs,
Brenda
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Thank you, Cindy, and all who have left comments here, for sharing your experience. I wish you all peace and know that we all will support you on your road to healing.
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I think, Louise, you’re referring to it as a God-based marriage because that’s how it started? You met him as a Christian, you saw in him nothing that wouldn’t make you think he was one too. You had a Christian wedding, you probably had something of “honoring God together” in your vows. And you may have been pronounced husband and wife in the name of God, name of Jesus, name of Father, Son, Holy Spirit. You went to church together and were involved as a family. So, therefore the guilt of having not seen it coming then, it’s hard. You’re in a grieving process and denial is one step of it.
Thank you for sharing your story, and Cindy, and anyone else. Let’s keep learning about it together and support each other.
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I would like to give another perspective on what sexual abuse does to a family. We always lived away from our immediate families and wanted our daughter to have a close relationship with her grandparents. When she turned two, she started spending a week or two with one set of her grandparents every summer. When she was in the fifth grade, my husband got a call from his sister telling him, in very vague terms, that she had been abused by their father. We were shocked by that information, not knowing what kind of abuse it was. We decided that she would no longer go for summer visits without us, and talked about inappropriate behavior, in general, with her. There was no apparent indication that anything had happened. In her senior year in high school, she began showing signs of depression. She finally asked to see a therapist. She also wrote her aunt, my husband’s sister, to ask her about her abuse. The aunt responding with a very detailed letter that indicated that there had been long and extensive sexual abuse from her father. Our daughter could not remember many details, but it was clear that she had been sexually abused. After talking with the counselor, my husband wrote a letter to his father confronting him with the information. He wrote back denying that anything had happened — which is almost always the response of an abuser. Subsequently, we had to end any relationship we had with my husband’s parents and his aunt. That has been almost 30 years ago. Our daughter still deals with depression — abuse has a lasting effect.
I want to encourage people to do two things. If you have a gut feeling that something isn’t right, do everything you can to make sure your child is safe. And, once we know better, let’s all do better.
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@Linn:
This also holds true for successful serial killers, serial rapists, and sociopaths in general. If they weren’t such masters of camouflage and experts as appearing as an Angel of Light, they would have been exposed and caught long ago. We only hear about the ones dumb enough to slip up and get caught.
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@Anon3:
And probably grooming others in their circle with whisper and innuendo about the (non-pedo) “dark brooding loner” as cover and misdirection. Beware Thou of The Mutant.
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@TrustInHim:
Especially in Churches.
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@HUG,
“This also holds true for successful serial killers, serial rapists, and sociopaths in general. If they weren’t such masters of camouflage and experts as appearing as an Angel of Light, they would have been exposed and caught long ago. We only hear about the ones dumb enough to slip up and get caught.”
I remember the first time I read the long story of the capture of a nice, normal, inoffensive serial killer with a regular job whose co-workers had no idea. It was back in the 1990s in Reader’s Digest, and it shook me up something fierce because that was the first time I realized people can be so two-faced. Before that, I was sure that if someone was evil it would be obvious in some way or other, through the eyes or an “aura” or something. That was a huge revelation to me. And of course the reason the man was caught was because there were detectives tenacious enough to keep tracking clues as long as it took, not giving up.
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Rebecca — Your last statement holds true for all of us. We must also not give up that the truth of our lives will finally be revealed. It takes a few special friends (detectives) to help us with God’s guidance.
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Healing, Yes, I was thinking that very thing, but you said it better than I could have! 🙂
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Rebecca, Your previous comment reminded me of how I would often describe the man I married. The closest description was a Ted Bundy appearance. Clean, faithfully went to his job and provided for the family but he also had secrets that he did not want others to know of.
He eventually told me that one of the things he didn’t like about me was that I knew too much about him.
I still live in a situation where many do not want to ‘believe me’ … I cling to the truth that whether while I am still here or after I am with the Lord; the truth will be revealed.
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What do you think that Rabbi from Tarsus was talking about when he wrote “For Satan himself can transform himself to appear as an Angel of Light”?
Convenient how over-literalism and over-Spiritualization changes the meaning, eh, My Dear Wormwood?
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I don’t think I ought to suggest putting Cindy on the spot right now, but it strikes me that at some point, it would be good to know why we so often miss, or ignore, the warning signs. Now granted, I’m working with “20/20 hindsight” here, but some of the stories I’m reading are activating my “what the….” response. Any thoughts?
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I think it’s our heartfelt Christian desire to want to trust people. I still want to trust people, but I like having boundaries, too. It’s the same as at the school where I teach We trust each other, but there are boundaries that we all try to respect. Even with boundaries, things still happen.
Karen
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Great idea, BB, let me think about that and see if I can come up with a post after discussing it with my friends who help me in this ministry.
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Trust (well said, Karen) and the willingness to rock the boat certainly play a role. I remember that as my parents’ marriage went bad through physical abuse, some of my brother’s teachers noticed him “acting out”, at least one of them guessing correctly why. It was eerie. A fair number of people apologized in person to my mom for not picking up on things, or not taking action on things, including at least one police officer. Just wasn’t what you did in the mid 1980s, I guess.
One other thing I remember from a time when I broke an abuse case open–I reported some weird behavior by my babysitter (who was being abused by a teacher)–is that unless someone “stumbles” and blurts things out when the evidence is still fresh, it’s hard to follow up even if you want to. And then you’ve got the question of whether you’re willing to document things so that even if you can’t move forward with one allegation because the evidence is too thin, you can take a look at it later and see if it fits a pattern.
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I needed to read this. My husband (legally separated) may be a pedophile. I believe he is and I have many many reasons to believe he is. The Justice system has failed me because I’m the one that accused him. I did this after so many things came to light after I had recorded him for suspected infidelity. I heard horrible things on those recordings between him and our 6 yr old son.
The police seemed interested at first but when Dhr couldn’t substantiate it they dropped it (I think so anyway). The Dhr worker told me she believed he was guilty but they just couldn’t prove it (with audio tapes nonetheless). At one point she threatened me with failure to protect after she let him back in the home. I filed for divorce after trying to believe it wasn’t true even after my son told me fragmented things.
It’s bizarre how he can manipulate people even with overwhelming evidence. I had to settle with him on custody…. This means he gets to be with our son alone. Our son is 7 now and he seems to love his dad so much. I even have a video of inappropriate actions at the least, yet here we are. I was praying for eyes to see and ears to hear when all this came to the forefront of my mind.
Like Cindy I started going over all the things in the past 8 years in my mind. I got so mad at God for months. Now I know he’s the one that revealed this to me.. I just wish he would reveal it to the police. I feel like I was losing my mind for months and months and I know I handled things wrong. I’m still trying to keep from breaking.
We need prayers.. The family court system and the legal system has let us down. I think they’d rather believe I’m nuts (I am at this point) than to believe such a nice guy is guilty of such evil. Please pray for my children.. My 18 yr old was 9 when we met. He has now disclosed something odd about my husband being naked, but nothing more yet. This is so hard in every way. My family seems to side with my husband.. His family sides with him.. My friends that I’ve told believe me, but we don’t have much support. At this point I try to act normal and have even considered reuniting with him just to be there when he’s with our son. Sometimes I think I’m crazy, but then I get that feeling in my stomach and I know the truth.
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So, I have been watching my three girls (now adults) very close. Trying to stay connected in their lives. Making sure to be their champion when they needed me to. Giving them a strong foundation of family and love. Not knowing that all this time my wife and I were trying to do good, the grandfather on my wife sides had been molesting all my children.
I always blamed myself for all my kids troubles, clueless. 30 year in ,my family was being groomed by a predator master deceiver and manipulator. Now I blame myself for ignoring the signs and there were many. I considered my father in law as my own family. 35 year forest service worker, active involvement with youth in many churches and YMCA, white middle class American, non drug user, no alcohol, married for 50 years.
At first I flipped out and was going to kill both the grandparents and yes I blamed the grandmother too. Even though I knew she was also abused and manipulated. I took the high road. I first confronted the grandmother because all the kids wanted her protected and were sacrificing their own welfare for hers, I did not agree but did not go against their wishes. The idea was to give the grandma time to divorce the pedophile and move on with her life and we could unite as a family again. Well a year went by and nothing, grandma started isolating herself from all of us. Two years went by and I felt the grandma was being part of the problem and I told the kids they would have to step up to the plate and turn in the grandfather. The kids in the mean are suffering in the worst way possible. The were going to counseling, taking meds for chronic post traumatic stress, relationship problem and the list goes on. I stand back and watch the bomb go off in my family destroying everybody.
I give the kids an ultimatum, if they do not turn the grandfather into the law, I will. Well I did he was convicted by jury of all charges. I had to stop this person from doing this to other children. Could not carry that burden.
I thought the grandma was a great person but I do not feel that way anymore. Maybe she too was a victim but it does not change the way I feel. My perception was that she chose the pedophile over her family. Of course the kids defend her, my wife defends her but they do know how I feel. I will try to take the high road again.
Who are the pedophiles, everybody is one. The person holding your hand, the one at the dinner table, the minister, the judge, brother or sister. My eyes have been opened and I am thankful, now if I can just keep my adult children my putting a rope around their neck. fucking sucks.
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Admin note: I’m leaving in Damian’s strong language because it is appropriate anger.
Damian, you are a great dad. Thank you for turning him in and supporting your daughters. This must be so difficult for you and your family. You did the write thing and now this pedophile won’t be able to harm anymore. Keep loving on your daughters and encouraging them to seek help when they need it. I pray that they will recover and you and your family will have peace now.
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I’m a wife of a pedophile. They all sound the same. Liars manipulators and make you feel petty and unfair. I thought i was a bad wife. He allowed my daughters watch inappropriate movies beyond their years etc while i tried to be a good mother. Had excuses for the subtle but wrong things he would say to my girls from age 12. Wasted 30 years of my life with a creepy pedo. All 3 daughters have mental issues. I blame myself for providing them with this monster step father. Having 2 more children with him made my decisions so much harder.
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Cazz, my heart goes out to you. I can certainly understand why you blame yourself. But please know that getting out from under the “spell” of a master manipulator is no easy task. You have more years ahead of you. I think you can make them count, and they can be beautiful. Peace to you!
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I just recently found out my husband of 13 years is a pedo. I had no idea. I had a nervous break down and am now in counseling. I left him. My daughter (his step daughter) told me he called her (she’s still a minor)and told her he was in love with her etc. then everything came out. He has been inappropriate with her for years and also my nieces. I am heartbroken and in shock
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Anonst, I hope you are able to find healing from the lies, and are able to protect your daughter through this. If you haven’t found Jimmy Hinton yet, he is a great resource as he and his mother have gone through a similar journey.
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Excellent suggestion, Mark. Here is where you can find his blog and podcast: https://jimmyhinton.org/
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Dear ANONST,
I am so sorry for the shock and betrayal you’re going through. It’s so horrifying to realize that man you’ve married is not who you thought he was. Counseling is so helpful and I’m glad you’ve got support.. You must still be reeling, wondering if this is just a nightmare, hoping you’ll wake up and find it was all a bad dream.
The sad reality is that pedophilia never goes away. As an ex-wife of a child molester myself, I know there’s nothing I did to start his interest in children (it existed long before I met him) and nothing I could do to stop him. I wasn’t capable of watching him 24/7 and he was incredibly good at evading observation.
The next 6 months will be tough, but the healing starts when you can get safe.
Keep very accurate notes with the date. List any witnesses and counselors. Make sure your counselor knows exactly what he said, so those are in the counselor’s notes too. Keep all voice mails, text messages, notes, and emails. Write down any changes in your children’s behavior. Collect all the proof you can. Courts are skeptical these days, so document everything. They won’t believe you, but they will believe a counselor, law enforcement, and the children.
If there’s child porn on the computers in your home, please contact the cybertip line at the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. This tell law enforcement that you are a “good guy.”
http://www.missingkids.com/gethelpnow/cybertipline#overview
Remember, nearly all 50 states have no-fault “irreconcilable differences” divorce. Weigh your options. Get away from him quickly vs. long legal battle.
As my oldest adult child says:
“I tell friends I feel fortunate my mother filed for divorce when I was in grade school.
I would rather be brought up in a loving home with one healthy parent than in a 2-parent home under these circumstances.”
–Anon3
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My husband is a pedophile. We have been separated over a year now. I still try to convince myself it’s all in my head. The legal system and the family court system have failed my 4 year old daughter repeatedly. He comes across so smooth and together, while I am an emotional basket case. He has court ordered unsupervised visits. I sent her for a couple of months but then she told me of more abuse. So I have not been sending her. I am so fearful of what the judge will do next.
And then there is the guilt. The forsaken marriage vows. The constant worrying of where I stand with the Lord. I left the church he still attends. I have been too afraid to find a new one. I fear being judged for leaving my husband. I’m afraid to publicize what he has done for fear of stigmatizing my daughter.
I also have guilt concerning my sons. I have a two year old and 6 month old who I have still been sending to the court ordered visitation on the advice of my lawyer. I pray that he is not abusing them. My son always says he does not want to go.
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Hi Denise, I don’t really know what support networks there are for this. Unfortunately, I’ve read about cases where the mother refused to send the kids to the court-ordered visits, and I think your lawyer is right. It seems like a catch-22 – to protect your children, you will need to tell the police and courts what he has done to them. Your lawyer should be a trusted resource to help you understand the pros and cons.
Most of all, don’t feel guilty! Women get blamed for breaking up the marriage, no matter how bad the husband is. The blame, shame and guilt are not from God. The church avoids ugly topics like porn and pedophilia, but “porneia” – the word Jesus used in his justification for divorce is more broad than physical sexual sin. Even ultra-patriarchal types like Wilson and MacArthur explain that porneia cannot simply be adultery, but is a broader term for sexual immorality. The kind of church, like the Sovereign Grace churches, that tell wives that their husbands’ sexual immorality is a direct result of the wives not being gratifying enough. It’s a demonic lie.
The church should be a place of protection, healing, restoration. Perhaps the church he attends would act righteously if they found out he was a pedophile, but more likely than not, he attends the church because the church shows the telltale signs of churches that will defend him and punish you. And, I would guess that is where your internal guilt and fear comes from – not from God – but from a church that is a sanctuary for abusive and sexually immoral husbands.
Jimmy Hinton’s website (jimmyhinton.org) is a powerful resource for people in the midst of pedophilia. He cuts through all the lies and crazy-making and points to the truth. Pedophiles are evil.
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My husband was my abuser and a pedophile. Fortunately for me, he died on June 7, 2020. We were married nearly 35 years. I was in middle of leaving him forever. Then he decided he better go get help and change. That was for his domestic violence. I half-heartedly believed his stories about how he had handled the abuse of his niece and sister.
Little did I know that he had lied to me about supposedly dealing with the abuse of his niece in therapy years ago. All of the truth and more came out after his death. I called his sister and her husband gave me an earful. A couple of weeks later I spoke with my husband’s sister. Apparently my husband was never the one to deal with anything. He lied to me. He never addressed the abuse in therapy. According to that therapist, he never dealt with much of anything. Of course with 20-20 hindsight I now get it. Everything he told me was a lie. He used to joke about those who lie should have good memories. As he aged his memory started to faulter, and that’s when I started to see the facade begin to fall away.
My husband played me the whole time we were married. I was his “hiding” place from the world of truth.
I’m a survivor of extreme abuse as a child and fortunately I have a great Christian therapist I’ve been seeing since the Spring of 2018. I was abused by my father who was a pedophile and a serial killer. I didn’t know about my father until 2010, 25 years into my marriage. It’s when I realized I married my husband because he was so much like my father, sans the assassin and serial killer.
In the back of my mind I knew something was amiss with my husband. I think that’s why I decided to never have children with him. Instead I raised one of his children.
He sexually abused his sister and her daughter. And I know there had to be more he abused as he was sequestered to an all boys’ school from junior high through senior high school. It was to prevent him from interacting with girls. Then in college he was kept from young women and girls by his grandmother. Of course I was told a different story about all of this by my husband. He painted the picture with a broad stroke of being the victim of his circumstances and not understanding why he was being kept from girls and controlled so much. He wanted my sympathy.
He did tell me that God would never forgive him for what he had done and he’d probably go to hell. He was a back-slidden Christian or so he told me. Part of me wonders if even that is true. He was raised in a Catholic home as a child.
I’ve kept myself hidden in God and walked with him no matter what happened. I’m working through the realization that every part of my husband’s life was about gaining access to young girls in his own warped ways. I woke up this morning with this shocking new reality: The rabbit hole goes deeper than I would’ve ever imagined. This story is a lot more involved than I have the space to write about here.
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Hi Lorraine,
Your story is so painful to read. I cannot imagine how you have survived it. I’m so glad to hear that you have a good therapist. Keep doing the hard work in therapy. It’s so important. While you have suffered a life of abuse, you don’t have to let it control you. If you’d like to connect in a private group of ladies online, please send me a note: spiritualsb@gmail.com We’d be happy to have you join us.
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