So, yesterday I read a tweet that left me reeling. It made it difficult to concentrate on my school work, and got me thinking and emoting quite a bit. I’ve tried numerous times to put up a blog post today and yesterday and realize that I just need to let my emotions simmer a bit.
I guess this is a reality check for me (and my readers) about the effects of spiritual abuse. Most of the time it comes and goes and I can function normally. Sometimes, however, it hits hard, and I know I need to face it head on. I had several good cries yesterday and thought I’d be fine today, but apparently, I need to chill a bit more (except for one college test due by midnight).
I’ve learned the hard way that if I bury my emotions, they will resurface with a vengeance, so now, even though it’s inconvenient, I try to deal with myself honestly and ask the tough questions: why does this have so much significance for me? Why does it make me cry? What do the tears represent? This is the grieving part – coming to the truth of what happened and its effects on me.
Once I’m done with that part of the process, I can finally move on to acceptance. I accept that I am where God wants me to be, even if it was not what I expected, and that it’s okay to move forward now.
I’ll be fine. I hope to be able to type out what happened and why it affected me so much. I think there are many who will relate.
Thanks for your patience with me as I go through this bump in the road for these couple of days. I’ll be blogging this coming week.
I’ve also wanted to say thanks for your patience as blog posts aren’t as timely as they used to be now that I’m a full-time student. About 3 years ago, a friend and I were talking about college. He said, “Four years is going to come whether you like it or not, and you’ll have a degree or you won’t. Which do you want?” It took one year to get the courage to register for school. Those words have come back to me many times in this process. After Spring term, and after 2 years of school, I will have my Associates degree (half-way there). I’m truly thankful for all the support you’ve given me.
Spiritual Sounding Board 
It is a long haul but it is worth all the effort. I went back to college and ended up becoming a teacher at the age of 55. I think you are just a kid compared to what I was. Hang in there.
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It catches you off guard sometimes, doesn’t it?
I’ve had a terrible time these past two weeks. So much of what I read makes me wonder if the whole world hasn’t gone absolutely nuts. I wonder if I can even bear to associate with people who call themselves “Christian.”
By some divine Providence I saw a tweet from Nate Sparks (I follow Twitter sporadically) and read this article. This is the kind of God I want to know. I hope He’s still out there somewhere:
http://natesparks130.com/2015/11/06/i-used-to-think/
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That’s awesome, BTDT. BTW, it was one of Nate’s tweets that got me (certainly not his fault – he’s just exposing like I do). He and I had a chat about it last night. What a great guy.
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Thank you for sharing what’s going on – I definitely relate. You have my best wishes as you navigate these old emotions and experiences with new understanding!
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Julie Anne, I am so sorry to hear you’ve been hit hard by whatever was said. So many of us have been blessed by the way you minister to others by this blog. The honesty and wisdom you have just displayed here is worth gold!
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Praying for you Julie Anne. I can relate to your emotions. In January, the day before a major test I received a disturbing email. My temptation to reply was great.
I cried, “I don’t need this. Not now.” So, I shut my email down and studied. Next day I continued to rest and focus on completing my college course. I’m an older gal and the abuse in my life has me exhausted.
JA – no apologies needed about how many posts you contribute. You are where God has you. Thank you for your transparency – you are loved. ((hugs)) ❤
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Julie Ann – you are not alone about struggling this weak. I read all this terrible stuff that was done to a child over on Wartburg Watch, and I just wanted to cry. I have wanted to scream about the injustice the church heaped upon this child and his mother.
I’ve had a very hard week dealing with the ongoing pain in my foot. My last foot surgery was December 30, 2015. Now I am facing another around the first part of April. This will be the 18th surgery on my left foot. .
Maybe it’s “cabin fever” getting to us all. January and February have drug on. Spring is on it’s way. Where I live at it’s already in the 60’s most days and 70’s some days.
Like you and the rest of us, we will get past this us. Tomorrow is Sunday. A day of refreshing.
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I think I like Nate. I’d like to hear more of his words. As for Julie Anne, yes, she truly ministers to me by her words of encouragement and validation.
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Julie Anne, Take care of you. You do so much good and everyone has there seasons.
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Julie Ann, with some of these things that go on, a broken heart is the appropriate response. There comes a time we all need to step away and give our minds a rest because the injustice is relentless. There is so much loss involved, not just friends and community but loss of what we thought we had, the way we thought things were, the things & institutions we trusted in. These stories bring it all back. Take good care of yourself. You are loved, valued and appreciated.
What wonderful advice about the passing of time. Yes, 4 years can go by awful quick.
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Hang in there, Julie Anne. I applaud your decision to chill–makes perfect sense. Call anytime.
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Kudos to you, Julie Anne, for allowing yourself to go through this time and for being transparent. I am certain it will also help others. It’s not the first time you have done so. We need more of this in our road to recovery and healing of spiritual abuse. May you rise from this with renewed strength and add another layer of healing to your spirit.
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Julie Anne: Be patient with yourself. Often times when we pull ourselves away from something that we have jumped into full throttle, the ability to gain an objective viewpoint emerges. This is why we humans need to walk away from conflicts and put things on the back burner from time to time. When we return after a reprieve, we have more clarity on the matter. But don’t stay away too long. I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog! 😉
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Julie Ann, you are wise to draw away when life present/past rocks your boat to an extreme. It takes time to return to calm waters. Tears are often a very necessary part of healing. Thank you for setting a healthy example for all of us. I have great respect for you, Julie Ann, and await your healing before we receive another blog.
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We love you, J.A.
Take care of yourself. You deserve a rest.
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Julie Anne, I hope you are feeling better soon. 🙂
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I have marveled at your ability to me a full time mom, blogger, student, wife and survivor. Oh the list never ends, especially when laundry is involved & grocery shopping. You have been a voice for the voiceless, an advocate, a warrior against the phony gospel machine. Rest well, you are loved & appreciated.
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We love you girl! We’re here for you! 🙂 You make it out to DC I will give you a hug in person!
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Dear friend, I think it says a lot that you are willing to sit with the emotions and process them. Working with people who have gone through or are going through abuse is tough work. Not to mention everything that is out there to read. Take your time and focus on school. It’s hard to believe the half way mark is almost here! Easy for me to say, huh?
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I’m glad you are taking care of yourself. Everyone needs time to heal, recharge, take a break. You have been carrying a huge load and been a hero to many. It’s healthy to allow yourself time for you too.
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” ‘Warrior Queen’ is the sweeping epic of a flame-haired woman who would dare to challenge the vicious might of the Roman Empire-and whose name would echo throughout history.
In 43 A.D., Boudica became the queen of a Celtic tribe-and a Roman sympathizer. But after years of loyal service to the Empire, she would find herself brutally betrayed. With the conviction of a hero and the courage of a warrior, she united the Celts against their enemy. The fury of her unleashed vengeance threw the Roman forces into chaos, made her a goddess to her own people-and carried her into the history books as a true heroine of the British people.”
Even a warrior-queen needs a break once in a while…..
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Take care of yourself.
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Julie Anne,
You take all the time you need to rest and heal. The blog isn’t going anywhere without you. 😉
May God surround you with love and care, and restore your soul.
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Greetings, again, waitingforthetrumpet2.
Julie Anne, thank you for what you do here, and take care. And yes, you are a warrior–one who, as I pointed out some time ago, shares more than just her initials with another great warrior, Jeanne d’Arc.
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Hi there, Gary. I’ve missed you too. I’ve missed our many discussions here, and our support for one another.
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Julie,
Sorry for the part I accidently played in this. It was great talking to you the other night and please reach out again if there’s anything I can do. I pray you find some peace in the down time 🙂
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Thank you for all the help you have been to me personally!
I feel it with you. My life motto the last few years has been “Do it Afraid”.
Moving through it is how we get breakthroughs.
My very best thoughts and admiration to you.
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No prob, Nate. It’s anger and grieving that needed to happen. I’m kind of thankful for it because I’m able to identify it and handle it appropriately now. Before, it just messed me up for days/weeks and I didn’t know what to do with the pain. I’m a work in progress – – even now!
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Jesus cried also. And got angry. And grieved. And exposed abusers publicly with some of the most pointed and impolitic language ever. And said it’d be better for them to have millstones slung round their necks and dumped in the sea rather than have them mislead and hurt little ones.
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It took me at leas a minimum 4 years to process through the initial shock, grief, outrage and anger. It’s been 6 years since I started dealing with my previous lifetime of religious shock, abuse and confusion. I am feeling better now; much healing has taken place. It takes a lot of time! Take care of yourself, take all the time you need. Those who care for and support others need care and support! Times of peace and restfulness to you.
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JA, Thank you for sharing your journey with your blogging community. I know it gets frustrating to feel like you are over stuff, then BLAM you are hit over the head with memories of past pain! The road before you may seem impossible to continue!
However your resiliancy in the past will serve you well now as it did before. First, prioritize your immediate needs!! (Venting to those you trust, get sleep, eat well and if need be, get a tune up with a trusted counsilor.)-
Then realize your education comes first! Those monkeys don’t need to derail you!
You have an army of supporters who’s aren’t going anywhere. I read this as a shame-free place where we all can communicate authentically!! You are a wonderful model of that! Fortunately, I don’t believe we all fall apart at the same time, so we can minister to the needs of each other as a community of believers, loved by God!
Take all the tme you need, before you post another blog. We love you JA . Plus I have secrete confession, I covet your beautiful red hair!’ It probably drives some of the neo- Cals wild!!! 🙂 xoxo Ann
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It’s good that you recognize the need to step back and take care of yourself. Thank you for being so willing to share your journey of healing. May Jesus fill you with rest, peace, and truth in who you are in Him.
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