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Christian leaders put their spiritual spin on sexual abuse and premarital sex and devalue young women in the process.
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The church has sometimes done a poor job on handling sex abuse and premarital sex and I was reminded once again this week.
But let me back up and give other examples of how Christian leaders put their spiritual spin on this issue how they devalue young women in the process.
You may recall the sex abuse allegations against Doug Phillips by Lourdes Torres-Manteufel. When news of this case came out, we heard from Doug Wilson. He did not want to call her a victim, but in his article, he expects a victim to behave a certain way in order for her to be validated as a victim, ie, she (Lourdes Torres) should have left Phillips’ house immediately. Further in the comments, we read from some who said that because Lourdes didn’t “cry out,” her story is suspect. This is one spiritual spin of sex abuse. There was no regard for the role Phillips played as her spiritual authority, her employer, long-time mentor, etc.
The Christian community and Mormon community have similar teachings on purity. Mormon kidnap and rape victim, Elizabeth Smart, described the purity culture she was taught:
Smart said she “felt so dirty and so filthy” after she was raped by her captor, and she understands why someone wouldn’t run “because of that alone.”
Smart spoke at a Johns Hopkins human trafficking forum, saying she was raised in a religious household and recalled a school teacher who spoke once about abstinence and compared sex to chewing gum.
“I thought, ‘Oh, my gosh, I’m that chewed up piece of gum, nobody re-chews a piece of gum, you throw it away.’ And that’s how easy it is to feel like you no longer have worth, you no longer have value,” Smart said. “Why would it even be worth screaming out? Why would it even make a difference if you are rescued? Your life still has no value.” (Source)
Samantha Field, blogger at Defeating the Dragons, was taught an object lesson by a Christian speaker to promote purity. She describe it as follows:
My sophomore year in college, another speaker shared a similar object lesson– ironically, in the exact same room, also filled exclusively with women. She got up to the podium carrying a single rose bud. At this point I was more familiar with sexual imagery, and I knew that the rose had frequently been treated as a symbol for the vagina in literature and poetry– so, again, I knew what was coming.
This speaker asked us to pass the rose around the room, and encouraged us to enjoy touching it. “Caress the petals,” she told us. “Feel the velvet.” By the time the rose came to me, it was destroyed. Most of the petals were gone, the ones that were still feebly clinging to the stem were bruised and torn. The leaves were missing, and someone had ripped away the thorns, leaving gash marks down the side.
Samantha echoes similar sentiments Elizabeth Smart that used regarding the internalized message young ladies might feel when hearing these teachings:
However, all of these object lessons contribute to one message: your identity and value as a woman is tied to your sexual purity. If you surrender your virginity, you are worthless. Disgusting. Repulsive. Broken. Unwanted.
I encourage you to read Samantha’s excellent article, roses– how the purity culture taught me to be abused.
That brings me to a picture I found on my friend, Ryan Stollar’s, Facebook page from a book he was reading by Lisa Cherry and her daughter Kalyn Cherry-Waller, entitled, Unmask the Predators: The Battle to Protect Your Child. Here is a summary of the book:
WARNING: THREATS TO YOUR CHILD AHEAD! Losing your child’s heart to the perverse world of a sexual predator is truly every parent’s nightmare. When an $800 cell phone bill revealed a secret relationship between our highachieving, Sunday School teaching 15 year old daughter, Kalyn, and a 46 year old man from our congregation, we were horrified. The aftermath of destruction, as it usually is with sexual abuse, was disastrous. Rebellion, depression, wrong relationships, eating disorders, and selfmutilation suddenly turned home into a war zone. In Kalyn’s mind we, her parents, were her enemies while the sexual perpetrator remained her hero. How could something so bizarre happen in a loving Christian home? (Source)
I was struck by Amazon’s “About the Author:”
Lisa Cherry and her daughter Kalyn Cherry-Waller have navigated the storm of extreme family crisis and spiritual warfare emerging as a victorious voice for others. Their ministry has placed them on the front lines speaking to tens of thousands of parents and teens each year. Their message acts as a beacon of light and hope to aid parents and teens with practical communication tools to avoid crisis such as child predators. Championing the cause of better family communication and spiritual growth, Lisa and her husband Doug are founders of Frontline Families Ministries which is dedicated to providing communication tools and practical resources for growing spiritual and healthy families. The Cherry’s are pastors and make their home in Carbondale, Illinois.
Ok, the key phrases in the above paragraph that struck me were “spiritual warfare” and “front lines speaking to tens of thousands of parents and teens each year.” If they (Lisa and her daughter) are speaking to tens of thousands of parents and teens, that means they are fairly well-known and respected in their circles. I found out on Ms. Cherry’s website, that she has a whole ministry:
In the wake of the sexual abuse allegations among homeschoolers, Ms. Cherry has posted an article which she boasts has been read by nearly 30,000 people:
Something amazing happened here last week.
I published my article An Open Letter to My Fellow Homeschool Parents: Sexual Predator Accusations Among Homeschoolers?
NOW 29,708 have read it already. And the number is growing every day! (Source)
Ms. Cherry has a website, ministry, sells books, and speaks on the topic of sex abuse in the hopes of helping parents with this sensitive topic, but what is her message? I’m sure there are a lot of practical helps that are very good. I also appreciate that she is addressing this important topic that is sometimes taboo in church, especially after having experienced it in a personal way, but I am concerned about the message that is sent to parents and their children about survivors:
Transcribed:
“I was never more keenly aware of this fact than during our struggle for Kalyn. We were fighting against powers much stronger than the emotions of a confused fifteen-year-old girl. The truth of Ephesians 6:12 became quite apparent: “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
Kalyn had been “soul tied” to a man steeped in the dark world of pornography and perversion. The battle for her life was a battle in the heavenlies. My busy bluster of motherly activity highlighted by my angry yells of correction did no good.”
Do you see it? Do you see the problem I’m having with this? Do you see any spiritual conclusions that make things confusing for a sex abuse survivor? Let’s talk.
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Spiritual Sounding Board 
MissDaisyFlower, your last sentence about not opening up to anyone broke my heart. I hope you won’t laugh at this, but have you ever talked to an atheist about your concerns? Not being beholden to any specific dogma or doctrine and generally just living by the Golden Rule, most atheists would probably be fairly objective and non-judgemental. Not all, of course; I personally know some who would “blame Christianity,” just as Christians might “blame Satan.” But for the most part, you might find a kind and sympathetic ear. Just a thought.
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Dustin,
My focus on the blog is on pointing out dangerous trends and opening it for discussion. Sometimes you will read good solutions or balanced responses from my readers in the comments. I don’t have all the answers, but I know when something is broken and causing harm.
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“Zap zap Zap Zap…… Hey bro why are you continuing in this role ? Zap Zap Zap
So you just bought a new car, congratulations! I just bought a new sledge hammer, WHAT ROLE DID YOU PLAY IN THAT. Wham , bang boom…..
I’m really sorry, I just burnt your house down. What role do you think YOU PLAYED IN THAT ? Maybe I can be your sponsor and help you figure it out”.
Like, Like, Like, Like! This is priceless, Scott. Am stealing it!!!
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“Julie, I’ve long heard you go after abuses in the “purity culture”, and a lot of the cultural things associated with it, but I don’t think I’ve seen you write a positive presentation of the importance of staying sexually pure and how that presentation would play out practically with a child, or how parents and the church should present the importance of staying sexually pure. Just looking to find out what you think the “solution” should be and how you’d like to see all this stuff play out? If you’ve written something about it in the past, I’d love to read it, as I can’t find it anywhere”
Dustin, That would be impossible for a Calvinist or someone with the deterministic “totally unable” paradigm to do. If you are a worm and totally unable to be righteous then what would be the point of teaching purity? It seems like an oxymoron. God would simply not allow all pre marital sex for His future elect. (wink)
See, the purity culture only presents “value” to girls as in being a virgin. They do not present value as in being a human…period. When girls value themselves highly they tend to not ever want to be “used” by someone who has not made a serious commitment first. It is not about them being “pure”. It is about their value. If he wants her, he will have to wait. If he won’t then he is not worthy.
The purity culture are patriarchs so they have the problem of girls being second class citizens with specific roles and expectations of their submission to male rule. You can’t teach their “value” or equality in that environment. So the message is: You had better never be raped or molested. no one will want you.
It is very Islamic in nature.
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Julie, I suppose it determines what constitutes a purity culture. I have not grown up in a culture that has a heavy emphasis on that, or rather I’ve little experience or interaction in denominations.groups that have very specific ideas of what purity culture entails. In my Church experience, “purity culture” was a yearly talk during youth group where the kids were split up and then given the talk. The idea of “purity balls” or “dating your daughter” and other such ideas are completely foreign. I’ve nothing against them PERSE, I just wouldn’t choose them for myself.
When I consider how I will raise Z, I intend to teach her from a young age that her virginity is important- not in and of itself, but because waiting to have sex with your spouse demonstrates a heart that is seeking to be holy and sanctified through obedience and for a love for Christ, which is what I REALLY want to cultivate. I would also try to teach her that she can trust God when He tells us that following him and his ways will actually, truly, really bring you more pleasure and joy than following your own desires. I think this would lead me to be more graceful and understanding if she does have premarital sex and sexual activity. “Losing her virginity” prematurely is awful and important, but nowhere near important as understanding and working through the motivations of her heart that led to her to this in the first place.
Thought of this way, I think this is a way that I can bring her up in a familial “culture” that promotes purity and virginity, without the rest of the nonsense and shenanigans. Based on your experience dealing with the nonsense, do you forseesee any pitfalls?
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“So the message is: You had better never be raped or molested. no one will want you.
It is very Islamic in nature.”
According to the Qu’ran, there have to be 4 male eyewitnesses to a rape in order to prove it in an Islamic court. The burden of proof is made impossibly high at the outset, conveying the subtle message that even if it were met in some exceptional situation, the hurdle would suddenly be raised. The patriarchal ideals must not be threatened, even if a woman’s life is ruined.
The other thought I had was, I wonder if it was ever found in one of these patriarchal churches that another Nate Morales or Jerry Sandusky had been preying on their boys, if the boys’ worth as future husbands would take a similar nosedive because of what happened to them. Maybe that’s just a problem for girls, or possibly, male victims would be seen as ‘tainted’ by the apparent homosexuality of the perpetrator and therefore a bigger risk to marry one’s patriarchal daughters off to. Then again, I could be completely off base.
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Paperthinhymn said
“her virginity is important- not in and of itself, but because waiting to have sex with your spouse demonstrates a heart that is seeking to be holy and sanctified through obedience and for a love for Christ, which is what I REALLY want to cultivate. I would also try to teach her that she can trust God when He tells us that following him and his ways will actually, truly, really bring you more pleasure and joy than following your own desires. ”
Not sure why people want to spiritualize the sexual relationship so much – it can set a women up for spiritual abuse as well as other abuse. If we focus on Gods love, respect and value for self and others – that is what will breed Gods blessing in all areas of life. Here is a link that may give some pause before overdoing the whole program.
http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2014/06/17/purity-culture-male-entitlement-womens-bodies/
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Dustin:
Here’s my beef with the purity culture. Why are they making such a big deal about virginity – especially female virginity? I know you talked about your daughter, but what about sons? Are they exempt from this? What about other sins? Why do they not have big teachings on anger? Or any other sin? I think we need to be focusing on the commandments of Jesus. If we are teaching our children to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and mind, and loving their neighbor, then virginity, sexual immorality, and anger, and every other sin will be a non-issue.
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I think that a good deal of the purity culture in homeschooling has some similarities to the Victorian ideal that sex was meant for a man’s pleasure, but women were expected to be seen as either maternal or chaste with no stops in between. It made quite a demand for prostitutes for the men and for the treatment of “hysteria” for women who had to go to physicians for sexual stimulation as a medical procedure. Women are made for a man’s use, and only the man’s needs are important. (That’s not the case in orthodox Judaism however. Sex was at the discretion and need of the woman, and if a man went out of town, he had a duty to perform, pre and post his absence.)
I keep thinking of what I’ve heard from nurse practitioner midwives who have dealt with some cases involving quiverfull followers. This is not true of everyone, and it’s anecdotal. Suffice it to say that husbands in this subculture have an obsession with when their wives can safely have sex again, a reputation for violating the standard six weeks of abstinence post delivery (for the health of the mother, esp when there have been delivery complications), and concerns about how quickly their wife’s anatomy will recover its elasticity so as to provide them [the man] with adequate pleasure.
Bottom line: The ideology gives men a sense of entitlement because women are items that are created primarily for their use and pleasure, and anything else is inconsequential.
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Goodness! I just noticed Eliza’s posted reference.
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“Here’s my beef with the purity culture. Why are they making such a big deal about virginity – especially female virginity? I know you talked about your daughter, but what about sons? Are they exempt from this? What about other sins? Why do they not have big teachings on anger? Or any other sin? I think we need to be focusing on the commandments of Jesus. If we are teaching our children to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and mind, and loving their neighbor, then virginity, sexual immorality, and anger, and every other sin will be a non-issue.”
See, i knew I could count on you to make me think! I would put the same emphasis on my sons as I would on my daughters. That being said, I guess i think I care would be more upset for my daughters sake if she lost her virginity, verses my son. Not at all for my sake- but for hers. I’m not sure why that is though. I’m not saying that it’s right that I feel that, I have honestly never really thought through my motivations for that. I don’t know yet if that’s something innate in me or some culturally learned mindset. I think I should treat and view both my sons and daughters exactly the same in this, but for some reason I don’t/
Definitely something to consider.
Though I think there is something different about sexual sins than other sins. 1 Corinthians 6:18 bears this out. They are in a different class that we ought to take into account. For that reason I think sexual issues do require a bit of special emphasis and teaching, especially because other sins aren’t being attacked by our culture and and minimized like these ones are.
Don’t get me wrong though. I think when parents give an inordinate focus on their kids sinful expressions of sexuality, that this is problematic. And if any parent cares more about how their children’s sexual sins reflect on them, verses being empathetic on how these sins affect their children emotionally- that’s wrong, and needs to be changed.
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So, these Christian parents believed a cell phone (and I would imagine, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.) was important for a 15 year old child? Why? Have they not read about the depravity and dangers of the anonymous on-line world? Do the benefits really outweigh the risks? Let’s see: On the one hand you have OMG, LOL, what you ate for dinner, hours of the bread of idleness and on the other hand, rape. That’s a tough decision for a loving parent to make for their child?
A 15 year old doesn’t drive yet and doesn’t work yet. A 15 year old child, male or female, is not yet able to defend themselves from evil by themselves. Why “hope for the best” and cast them on their own into a world that is dangerous, depraved and filled with sin? How did that work out in this case?
I would hope that the majority of what these parents speak about is how they failed to protect their child and put their child, alone, into the world to fend for herself.
The 15 year old child did nothing wrong. Jesus said her attacker would be better off drowning in the sea with a millstone hung about his neck than what awaits him in the afterlife. Jesus is clearly not calling someone who attacks/hurts a child a Christian. Who cares what the pedophile calls himself? Jesus says he’s going to hell.
The child’s pain would be mitigated by swift and vigorous criminal prosecution of the pedophile, civil prosecution of the pedophile to destroy him financially and socially to lessen his ability to reoffend, constant reassurance that she did nothing wrong and expressed hatred of the actions of the pedophile by the parents.
To go on a book tour and attempt to tell others how to protect their children, when they clearly didn’t, is like an active alcoholic lecturing on sobriety.
I suspect this girl’s anger at her parents is only partially because they eventually intervened – a lot of it was her probably realizing her parents did not have safe boundaries in place to begin with to protect her (and it could have just as easily been a 15 year old boy victim).
And this “soul tying” nonsense. So, should people have prayed over David because he got some of Goliath’s blood on him while killing him? Should a rape victim be warned about demons they may have now because of the crime committed against them? These parents are inferring this child’s molestation was partially her fault and that she acted with consent which the law says she is UNABLE to do.
What loser parents — for lack of better words.
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“Though I think there is something different about sexual sins than other sins. 1 Corinthians 6:18 bears this out. They are in a different class that we ought to take into account. For that reason I think sexual issues do require a bit of special emphasis and teaching, especially because other sins aren’t being attacked by our culture and and minimized like these ones are.”
Sexual sin goes to the heart of individual value. The problem with this issue is that way too many children have had sexual sin thrust upon them and it is impossible to discuss “purity” culture without addressing that issue first. Historically most sexual predators were men (although that is changing) and because women had few individual rights, this issue was swept under the rug for centuries. Children had no rights at all and in older cultures were often treated with great disrespect and as having little value until they could work.
I am constantly blown away at how many children have been sexually molested in some form or another whether it was touching or worse. And now too many stories are coming out about the molestations (I include spanking naked and other obscene tactics that obviously arouse the abuser) IN the purity culture. The internet is making known what has been hidden. One such predator of his own sister now runs a popular “Christian Forum”.
It is like the old cliché that what someone is obsessed with they usually have a problem with. The purity culture tends toward obsession on a girls virginity. How can a woman who was molested as a child be “pure” according to their definition? They do not seem to have qualms with male purity.
Does no one read history? This thinking is ingrained without even realizing it. The woman is responsible even if she was raped or molested as a child. And what is even more confusing is the response to such things is usually the girl feeling worthless and becoming even more promiscuous because why bother? She can never be “pure”. It can send the wrong message without even realizing it. Why does the girl have to say no? Because the males (who are to rule) cannot control themselves and it is expected from them to try?
A lot of this thinking comes from Augustine. He was cruel to his concubine that he claimed to love! He would not marry her because she was from the wrong class yet he bore a child with her and then sent her away never to see her own child again. Of course, being a lowly woman, she had no rights.
He writes about the evils of sex and it is only for pro creation. He saw women as vile, lower class and to be ruled by men. His writings spread in Western Christianity and became somewhat ingrained in how women were viewed. Thank God, Jesus Christ is different and promotes the value of the individual. Because in Him there is no male/female, slave/free, Jew or Gentile.
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Eliza, Great ARticle! I often heard the refrain, “boys will be boys” from Christians. I heard it at a private Christian school, at church and in para church organizations. There is a chuckle when said as if, ‘they just cannot help themselves”. Whether it is bad behavior, mistreating girls, etc.
I am done with it. If that culture thinks maleswere born to lead because they have a penis then common sense says their behavior should be exemplary because they have a penis. I am not sure why they cannot see that logic. If we want to use the purity culture illogic then we have to go back to the Garden where Eve admitted she was deceived and was sorry for it. Adam BLAMED God and Eve. That is historical leadership material for the purity culture?
That is why the whole idea of male rule, headship, etc is ridiculous and totally misunderstood from a biblical pov.
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This whole comment was excellent. Thanks, A Christian Father/Husband.
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The cell phone was not the problem. My daughter is in her thirties and we didn’t have cell phones back when she was 15 but if we had, I most certainly would have wanted her to carry one with her when she was not at home so she could call for help in an emergency and I could keep in touch with her.
The problem was a middle aged predator in the church congregation! Perhaps it was the church that failed to protect the girl. I am sure I told this story before but when my own daughter was 15, she attended a youth event at the church. I planned to pick her up afterwards but one of the chaperones, a woman I had known for two decades, offered to bring her home since she lived nearby. Imagine my shock when she was taken home by a man I hadn’t met who had just started attending the church a week or two before! The woman chaperone had a family emergency come up and the man said not to worry, he would take my daughter home. Fortunately, he was not a predator; he had volunteered to help chaperone to get to know the woman organizing the event (they were both single). My point is that because he was a professing Christian, no one used common sense. (A cell phone for my daughter
would have come in handy).
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Marsha, good point. I’m not sure if it was made clear, but Kayla’s father was the pastor at the church where the sexual predator attended.
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i attended an abusive church for a few years. the pastor asked me and my current girlfriend at the time to meet with him. when we did, he wanted to know about our previous sexual experiences to see if there were any “soul ties” that needed to be broken, so that her and I could have a successful relationship. not knowing better we laid our our previous issues [no sex. but sexual stuff with previous exes]. He arranged for us the next week to go through a “fire tunnel” and the elders prayed over us, as well as a few deacons, and they proclaimed in front of the congregation, along with a few other couples “we break these soul ties in jesus name! they will not cling to and disrupt this couple” anymore. It was traumatic.
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Dustin,
That’s just plain creepy. I’ve gone thru the questioning part, but it was not that bad. But I’ve often wondered how many clergy are using these sexual inquisitions of their congregants as a sneaky way to avoid paying real $ for phone sex. I mean they can sure make it sound all spiritual, huh?
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It’s just more veiled perversion. I don’t think I’ve seen more sex scandals than within organized religion – the more devout and fundamental, seemingly the more perverted and bizarre the sexual behavior. Why is that?!
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Carol,
Sex abuse has to do with control and I think that sadly churches/church groups provide a safe haven for sexual predators because the naive assumption that sexual predators certainly wouldn’t be at our safe churches. There is a huge false security. I’ve seen parents who would never allow their children to go to a public restroom by themselves allow their children to go unaccompanied at church with no problem. Knowing what I know now, I say it’s probably more dangerous for children to go unaccompanied at church! Sick, huh?
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Marsha brought up in the new Bill Gothard article that he also mentioned soul ties. Here is the article: http://www.recoveringgrace.org/2014/01/sacred-grooming-part-two/
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“Soul ties” etc. are certainly familiar to me. I heard about them on the 700 Club–where I was also indoctrinated into the whole Charismatic “demons are everywhere” teaching. As an impressionable young teenager, I believed almost everything Pat Robertson said, and how it screwed up my college years! The wacky beliefs I had that all tied into this…..And, of course, the “soul ties,” so I felt I had to pray that those ties would be released, after my first fiance broke things off.
Fortunately, in college Pat Robertson was exposed as a false prophet when he was wrong about Bush winning in 1992. And I also discovered that the 700 Club was NOT giving the full story on political issues, as they claimed. That led, little by little over the years, to moving away from this and all the magical thinking.
The things which made perfect sense back then, and seemed right because they came from adults–such as, telling us in various ways how awful it would be to tarnish our gift of virginity–now seem so damaging. In fact, I believe this teaching led to some severe emotional battering from a Christian guy who used me, then tossed me aside, out of guilt for how far we went.
As I recently evaluated the situation while working on my college memoirs, I saw how so much of what he said and did, related directly to how we’d been taught. Even though the sexual activity was always his idea to start, he kept treating me like a filthy temptress. He kept telling me everything he found wrong with me, from my personality to how I kissed. One moment he’d treat me like a prude for not doing everything he wanted, the next he’d scold me up and down for not stopping him. Then he broke off ties with me because he could not bear the memories.
It all seems to relate to shaming women for giving away their virginity….
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I wish I’d read this when the discussion was still in full swing, but I feel compelled to add my 2 cents wort anyway.
Soul ties — I recently did some reading about the topic. The stuff I read did not mention a demonic element but rather a kind of almost mystical sounding bond caused by emotional or physical intimacy. Personally, I believe one of the purposes of sexual intercourse is to express and strengthen the marital bond. However, I don’t believe that — to be blunt — the act of sex causes one to excrete some sort of emotional/spiritual superglue that will keep your partner mysteriously bound to you until the bond is ceremoniously severed.
I have no idea if the rest of this website is worthwhile, but I found this article on soul ties helpful: http://www.compellingtruth.org/soul-ties.html
I believe that there rages around us a cosmic battle between good and evil. I believe in Satan and demons. I even believe that Satan attempts to use us as pawns in his ongoing hatred of God. I believe that there is a turf war being waged over my very heart and soul — not because I am so special or significant but because, like all humans, I bear the image of God Himself. I have seen this struggle in my own life, and in my own healing journey from rape and sexual abuse.
At the same time, I find it misguided to see a demon behind every bush. There are real, valid psychological explanations for why a young girl, groomed and seduced by her sexual abuser, would not see the “relationship” for what it was, and would act like a love-smitten teenager forced by her cruel parents to break up with her Prince Charming. This doesn’t mean her abuser had some power over her — even if it looked and felt like he did. Part of recovery from sexual abuse is facing the truth about our abusers and realizing they no longer have any power over us — NOT giving them the supposed supernatural ability to tie our soul to theirs.
Lisa Cherry — I recently heard a brief interview with her, during which she admitted to having made a lot of mistakes in how she handled her daughter’s trauma. However, I think it is outrageous to accuse her, as some have done in the comments, of making money off of her daughter’s trauma or writing a book without her consent. My understanding is that Kalyn was personally involved in the writing of their book. She is now and adult, and a wife and mother. If she and her mother choose to allow others to benefit from what they have learned from their experiences, let’s not criticize them for not giving away their books for free.
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I am very late coming to this, but in discussing a relationship issue with a friend, she mentioned worries about getting ‘soul tied’ to someone through sex. I was shocked at this and blew it off but was also puzzled where she got it, since it is a pretty vivid term and I doubted she made it up. So I was interested to run across this post and will be reading the comments as well!
[I told her that I believed people are linked together through relationships, even if they turn out to be deeply unhealthy, not the physical act of sex.]
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